taz872 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) Right i really don't know where to start with this one, me an my now ex have been together 2 years and got engaged a year ago on valentines day, we split up a few days ago totally unplanned, i never wanted it to end an she has already told me that she had never planned or even thought about it. When we got engaged everything was amazing an we spoke about the wedding an seeing venues, went to look for houses for us as we live apart, last september i found a house that needed work doing to it but was perfect for us, so i made an offer on it an told her that i had found us a house, since then she started to get a bit distant, seeing me less. i have brought all this up with her a few times an she said she is scared of us living together an all of a sudden its became so real, we havent spoke about the house or the wedding since october. We went out Saturday to take our 2 girls, (i have one with my ex, and she has one with hers) to the theater to watch a play, all the way there in the car she never came anywhere near me. im so used to her holding my hand it felt weird, we watched the play an everything was fine we kissed half way through the show, we left there to take the girls to a play centre, on the way there she asked about a restaurant that we had passed an said she wondered where is was, i said oh had she planned on going there with her friends an she really snapped at me, saying why would i ask that, we go to the play centre an the girls went off playing an i asked her if i had done something wrong an she said i always question her about what she is up to, i replied with i was only asking as i hardly see her anymore as she is always to tired to come see me or she doesnt want to ask her mom to watch the little girl, ( she lives at home with her mom) I proceed to say that we are engaged she still wears the ring but never talks about a wedding or the future an us living together, so i asked if she still wanted us an she said yes, i then said how if you dont seem to want to plan a future, an she said she loves me an wants to be with me, an i then asked if she was happy with us an she said yes then suddenly said well no not at the minute because we keep going over the same things about not spending time together, i then said did she want some space for a bit an she asked what i ment an i said some time to her self an she then said well we are both not happy are we, an i replied with im happy i just miss you an she said she couldn't continue on an we should split up, it devastated me there an then, on the way home she held my hand all the way back then when i dropped her of she gave me a hug an a kiss, an said bye, i then messaged her a few hours later saying im sorry i dont want this to happen an i love her, she replied an said shes sorry to she loves me but cant seen anything changing. i left her alone then until monday night an text her asking if we could talk an she said yes on Tuesday morning, after about 6 messages all with kisses on the end. Tuesday morning came an i went to see her, there was only her at home, i mentioned about us an us living together an that i would wait until she was ready, she said then what if she is never ready, i responded with im still willing to wait an never give up, she said no matter what she wont change her mind, so i asked her why an all she kept saying is because she wont, i even said if it would help her mom could live with us, at one put she did say what if she changed her mind an in a weeks time realised she still wasnt happy, bearing in mind we have never been unhappy an never once had an argument, she even said that this doesnt feel like we have had an argument, after talking for an hour and a half i left saying ill never stop fighting for us an i will do anything to make it work. She is very close to her mom as she lives with her mom an brother, she pays half the rent, does all the cooking and cleaning, its like her and her mom are husband and wife an she is the wife of it all as her mom works full time an she works part time, Sorry to go on but its all driving me a bit nuts, hope someone could shed some light on the subject, thanks so much Edited February 15, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add paragraphs and some punctuation to wall of text
Author taz872 Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 im guessing everyone is as baffled as me by this x
kztar Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 OP sounds like she has been checking out of the RS a while ago, probably before you even saw signs. Some people find it hard to "break up" with others, therefore they take their sweet time until one day they just can't take it anymore and bammm they're done with you. Go NC heal and move one Sorry you're hurting.
Tusks_n_Raider Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 OP it seems like she has a fear of commitment. She probably did Love you....maybe still a part of her does...but she is scared of making such a big permanent decision and commitment to you. She got cold feet and pushed you away. Then you tried to talk things through like an adult but it just pushed her away further because she felt pressured. The best thing you can do is go full on NC. Just disappear like a ghost. Try to move on however best you can. She might come back and want to reconcile but chances are she won't...ever. You want marriage and she's too scared of it. I'm sorry you got so blindsided by her. It really sucks. I'm going through it too right now. Keep your head up man.
Marc878 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 If you chase it pushes them farther away. Being needy at this time makes you look extremely unnattractive. No contact is you're only good option. Writing here a long letter pouring your heart out will just reinforce her actions/feelings at this time. Better wake up 1
Author taz872 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 See this where its strange she was making plans for us for weekends away an time together during this year. Yes she is scared an she told me that an i kept pushing. She asked me an my daughter to all go away but it was in school time an my ex wouldnt allow me to take her out of school. She commented about the house that we could just move in and was planning out how to arrange furniture. An why does she still wear her ring even now an wont tell anyone we have split? Why message me an still put kisses on the end? Im trying nc but i said id fight for us an disappearing isnt fighting. I was told a long time ago you fight for what you want an who you love an thats what ill do. I guess im just looking for reasons why the sudden change.yes she is stubbourn an thats one reason why she wont change her mind back
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 This isn't a sudden change, OP. You yourself said she hasn't been talking weddings or moving in since October. That's a long time. She's been distancing herself since then, so it's not true that she hasn't been considering the possibility of ending it. Any chance she has been talking to someone else? Sometimes dumpers will keep their dumpees hooked until they know for sure if their other option is going to work out. Even if there isn't a third party, it's evident she's been pulling out of the relationship over the course of a few months. Sometimes even dumpers find it hard to make a clean break, particularly when they've invested so much. It's possible she's feeling quite guilty about hurting you and so was trying to "soften" the blow by gradually distancing herself and not yet announcing that she ended it. 1
Author taz872 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 I totally understand what your saying. Its just the planning thing i dont get. We have booked things together for the next few months an i mean we booked them on the friday as we split on the saturday. Nobody can change there mind that quick. She has said about leaving home is a big worry for her an she is scared an wanted to wait longer but i kept pushing her. Im thinking i pushed her to much an thats what started it all. The week before the offer was accepted on this house all of us went to view 3 others together. Lot of things left un explained an also the engagement ring thing? Why still wear it even now. Why not tell anyone. Id be interested on hearing a womans point of view on this. Also why would she still want her daughter involved even on the day we split if thats what she wanted. It kills me that my little girl misses them like mad an feels like she has done something wrong
Maldives Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 To me it's definatly a fear of commitment something negative must have happened to her in her past and shes fearful of committing? Maybe u know wat that is did her dad leave her mum did her ex cheat has she been married before this is an easy one just look into her past for the answer;) it doesn't sound like a 3rd party to me like son suggest but u can never rule it out but I think defiantly fear or commitment
Purepony Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Exit now! Say you understand and move on Let her enjoy her decision since she can't even give you a straight answer
Author taz872 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 I know its a commitment issue an yes in her past her dad cheated on her mom. My ex has a half brother from his affair. He is also a drunk and abusive. An why exit an run. The only person im hurting then is myself. I want this girk an with having an understanding of what has caused it i can try to change it
SevenCity Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 I totally understand what your saying. Its just the planning thing i dont get. We have booked things together for the next few months an i mean we booked them on the friday as we split on the saturday. Nobody can change there mind that quick. She has said about leaving home is a big worry for her an she is scared an wanted to wait longer but i kept pushing her. Im thinking i pushed her to much an thats what started it all. The week before the offer was accepted on this house all of us went to view 3 others together. Lot of things left un explained an also the engagement ring thing? Why still wear it even now. Why not tell anyone. Id be interested on hearing a womans point of view on this. Also why would she still want her daughter involved even on the day we split if thats what she wanted. It kills me that my little girl misses them like mad an feels like she has done something wrong A woman's opinion here on why won't do you much good as most of the people came here because they were dumped and wouldn't do to you what your ex is doing. But, many of us have been on the receiving side. It doesn't make sense why someone would make future plans one day then dump you the next but it happens ALL THE TIME. It's messed up to put it mildly and I don't think anyone but the person can answer as to why. My ex talked about having a baby with me and then dumped me. While she moved out she said "maybe we'll get back together" and "we need a clean break to start fresh". Well 6 months later without so much as a peep from her confirms none of those things were real. "Fighting" for her will only serve to push her further away. Best thing you can do is go no contact and disappear like a ninja. She probably won't come back back. If she does it will probably be once you've moved on. But continuing to fight for her will guarantee she will never come back. She wants space and fighting will make her want more.
Author taz872 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 So my next question is has anyone fort to get there ex back or just did nc expecting them to come back?
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 I'm a woman, and my feeling is that it's one of two things: a) She fell out of love a while ago and was trying to convince herself that it was only a phase and she'd fall back in love. She put on a front until she just couldn't any longer. Yes, even the night before she broke up with you. It's not right but you will see on these forums that it happens a lot. b) There's another guy. She didn't know if he liked her too so she hung on to you until she found out he feels the same way. My gut says it's Option A. She's still wearing the ring because she's not ready for questions yet. People are obviously going to ask her what happened and how she could do this and so on. In my opinion, she's still trying to sort out how she's going to respond without making herself look bad. I could be completely wrong. But just my two cents.
Author taz872 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 Thanks for your comment but i have one issue with that. She told me she loved me everyday without fail. An when we made love even that week she looked into my eyes an told me she loved me. An also as she has a little girl i dont think she would hurt her during all this by there being another guy especially as i treated her like my own. Even after we split she still called me babe
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 (edited) Thanks for your comment but i have one issue with that. She told me she loved me everyday without fail. An when we made love even that week she looked into my eyes an told me she loved me. An also as she has a little girl i dont think she would hurt her during all this by there being another guy especially as i treated her like my own. Even after we split she still called me babe That doesn't mean much, unfortunately. Her pulling away and then breaking up with you indicate she didn't feel the love the same way you did. Saying "I love you" is one thing. Showing it is another story. Also, not to totally rain on your parade, but I slipped and called an ex by a pet name after breaking up before. It was out of sheer habit, in my case. Edited February 16, 2017 by ExpatInItaly 2
BC1980 Posted February 17, 2017 Posted February 17, 2017 Thanks for your comment but i have one issue with that. She told me she loved me everyday without fail. An when we made love even that week she looked into my eyes an told me she loved me. An also as she has a little girl i dont think she would hurt her during all this by there being another guy especially as i treated her like my own. Even after we split she still called me babe It seems like she has been thinking about it for awhile. You're right though; people don't just wake up one day and decide to end it. It happens over time. Things add up over time. Notice that once you put the offer on the house, she stopped talking about the wedding. The prospect of actually moving forward with the wedding and living together probably triggered her to realize she wasn't completely on board. It's a crappy thing to do after you have become engaged, but it does happen. My ex did something similar when we had to make the down payment for the wedding venue. We were supposed to make the payment on X day, and he told me that very day that he wasn't sure anymore. I was really shocked like you were, but I'm sure he had been having doubts for awhile. We actually stayed together for a year after that, but I never trusted him again. And yes, like you, he was telling me he loved me up until the day he dumped me and making plans with me. He had actually booked a rental house for a summer trip the week before he dumped me. I think they are just trying to go with the flow until they dump you. I wouldn't look too much into it.
Author taz872 Posted February 17, 2017 Author Posted February 17, 2017 I know this is probably me being stubbourn an i fo understand what your saying but still things dont add up to me. I know its commitment issues with her an scared to leave her own little bubble that she lives in. I do trust her even now an always will she is just that type of girl. Also just because someone isnt ready right now is that a reason to give up due to your own impatience i dont think so. If you love someone you love them. If you wont fight for them then really you never loved them as much as you say. I love her i truely do. I have from day 1. Shes my lover soul mate and my best friend. An yeh i thinking reading all your opinions maybe you are right an leaving is the option but like rocky said the world is a dark a mean place an it will beat you an hold you on your knees if you let it but get up an fight for what you want an where you want to go because thats how winning is done. Yeh a daft movie reference but its so true. I might be an idiot for still having hope an fighting but to get one shot of happiness im willing to put aside all the pain an pride to get there. To see her one last time. If someone said to you to see the one person who died in your life . Mom brother sister dad grand parent. You could bring them back but its going to hurt you a lot to do it. Would you? I know i would
Curious1112 Posted February 17, 2017 Posted February 17, 2017 I was in a simillar situation with my ex. Few months before breakup she wanted to marry me and later...bam, she wants to end it. In my case as someone else said there was another man in picture, as I later found out. So if you can, try to make sure that's not the case. In my opinion leave her with her decision, you can't change her mind and why would you even try.....if she doesn't wanna be with you that's her choice. Another thing would be if you did something wrong, than you would apologize, but as I see you didn't do anything.
SoThatHappened Posted February 17, 2017 Posted February 17, 2017 1. "And" equals also, too, plus, etc. 2. There's someone else. She sounds like she's afraid of commitment and afraid to leave her bubble, but I'd bet anything there's someone else. Leave her with her decision. That's the best advice I can give. Don't waste time trying to fight. Use that time to start getting over her instead.
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