OLD And taking down the profile

[Jadedbyluv]

Over the last 5 or so years, I've done the online dating scene. I've pretty much have done all the sites out there at one time or another. I've experienced the good, the bad and the ugly. I have honestly met some great guys along the way, of whom I'm actually still friends with. I've had my heartbroken along the way too. But here I am, still single.

 

In my experience, it seems I get to a certain point where it feels like we are on the same page but the other person doesn't want to take down their profile. Things are great up to that point. Then it usually ends shortly thereafter. How can you not take this personally? It makes me feel like I am not good enough or I was just an option until something better comes along. It hurts the ego. I feel like I'm constantly in competition with other women on these sites.

 

At this point, I think dating sites are out of the question for me. I just can't take that rejection anymore and wondering where/how i stack up.

 

What are other people's experiences? Am I taking things too personally?

[GTR King]

I have been on OLD for just over 3 years and a bit...

 

I have had few good dates and few bad ones. Just gotta keep at it till the right one comes along.

 

I even dated 2 people

[CptInsano]

I only lasted for about a week of OLD, but I had no clue what I was doing. At first I didn't realize that my profession might give the impression of wealth, so I had very odd flow of incoming messages from women who were clearly not what I was looking for. I figured that out, and that stream of messages stopped.

 

I reached out to a few women whose profiles I liked, and a decent percentage wrote back, most of them overwhelmed with incoming messages from guys. One even gave me a breakdown in the categories of "begging for sex", "married", "pervert", "no pulse", and such. I was indeed amused, but no date as these women had already a lot of dates lined up. I very much appreciated their honesty, though.

 

Most of the female profiles didn't really describe the women much, and the next step would have been to almost randomly write women, but since I can keep only so many conversations straight, that would have been a slow and tedious process.

 

The women who wrote me wanted to meet immediately, no phone conversation, and the chat was somewhat underwhelming. Again, the problem would have been similar, e.g. meeting women who I couldn't keep a conversation with online.

 

I actually enjoy talking to people offline, and it's actually fun for me to chat somebody up. So I figured that I might do what I like anyhow, and deleted my online profile.

[d0nnivain]

OLD gives many people GIGs.

 

 

I wouldn't ask for the profile to come down in the 1st month but I would expect it would be down & we'd be exclusive before sex.

 

 

My only experience with it involved my husband. By the time I got around to asking about it, it was already down & had been for several weeks. We met IRL. He was on Match. My subscription to e-harmony had run out a few months earlier. Not proud of this but I had made a fake match profile to read his profile {blushes}. When he told me his was down, I check. It was. I deleted my fake profile & never looked back.

[GoldSparkz]

In my experience, it seems I get to a certain point where it feels like we are on the same page but the other person doesn't want to take down their profile.

 

When you say "get to a certain point", exactly what is this time period? A month? 2 weeks? At what point do you feel they should take down their profile? Are you using this as a marker of their level of interest in you?

 

OLD for 5 years is a long time, and I can relate. It just means you haven't met your match yet. Some take longer than others. However, for you it seems as though you're putting too much emphasis on their profile activity and this may be affecting your approach to the date.

 

Perhaps if you tried taking the focus away from their profile activity and focus more on getting to know the person and enjoying the moment, then you may have more success. By worrying about whether their profile is up or down, you become increasingly insecure for no reason.

[thecrucible]

I agree with D0nnivain about the GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome). I gotta admit that I was one of those people for a while. We all like to have 'that spark' and it can be really tempting to want to meet lots of people to see what they're like and OLD can give you a false idea of how much interest they actually have in you.

 

It still frustrates me from time to time but I try to treat it like shooting off job applications in a way. I send messages and then I just forget about them. When I have gone on more than a few dates with someone, I will try and focus on them for a bit and see if it will go anywhere and then I will go back on the site if not (or if the dates are more like hang-outs). Sometimes you lose someone's interest that way. Personally I don't mind if they disappear and then come back as it's not real life and something may have come up for them. As long as conversation flows when we get talking again, that's fine for me. I don't mind if they lose interest and stop talking if we haven't met yet - saves me time to focus on conversations with others which hopefully will lead to a meeting. I find it very difficult to fall for someone when I just look at pictures and a profile so I don't get that rejected feeling unless it's a longer communication or they reject me in a 'not nice' (which hasn't happened often).

 

I've dated 3 guys I met via OLD but not for long periods of time. Although none of them worked out, I actually learned something from it. Sometimes you lose out on the good guys and sometimes you get better vision of the bad ones just through experience.

[Jadedbyluv]

When you say "get to a certain point", exactly what is this time period? A month? 2 weeks? At what point do you feel they should take down their profile? Are you using this as a marker of their level of interest in you?

 

OLD for 5 years is a long time, and I can relate. It just means you haven't met your match yet. Some take longer than others. However, for you it seems as though you're putting too much emphasis on their profile activity and this may be affecting your approach to the date.

 

Perhaps if you tried taking the focus away from their profile activity and focus more on getting to know the person and enjoying the moment, then you may have more success. By worrying about whether their profile is up or down, you become increasingly insecure for no reason.

 

I'm talking at least 2 or 3 months in. Even though there were many reasons why my last relationship ended, we had been dating over 5 months and he still had his dating profile up. It made me insecure and caused issues. We had a really good thing and the fact he still had it made me feel he thought otherwise. It caused the insecurity and feelings of inadequacy. The same thing happened with the guy I dated before that. We were dating over 4 months. He didn't want to take his profile down bc it gave him an ego boost.

[bluefeather]

Did you two talk about being exclusive?

[Miss Spider]

Don't stalk the profile. You know, there are other places to scope out women match.com. Date the guy, have fun. Focusing on profile activity will cause insecurities which won't allow you to be your best self. When it's time you guys agree to be an exclusive couple, the profiles should come down automatically. If he hasn't, then he's not ready for that step, even if he reluctantly agrees for now. As for using as an ego boost...do you really think a man who is all about you is going to jeopardize a real r with you for e-validation and e-attention from e-women? Would you even want to deal with that mess? Ehh

Edited February 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CaliforniaGirl]

I really think you just haven't connected with the right person yet. With me, the person took down his profile after a couple months (I think?) pretty much just as a natural thing...and same for me...when you've hit "it" you just sort of know...keep trying!

[Shanex]

I've done the same as op but roughly since 2004. Still single to this day. Not going to lie: I met dozen women, out of which 4/5 relationships and a couple flings and FWBs.

 

I find myself addicted to it, sadly. Even though I occasionally take them down for some months because I've run out of options in my area. Waiting for new, fresh 'fishes'...

 

Now, there are pros to knowing the deal, because I can avoid the usual red flags and scammers etc, and I'm relatively confident on dates, but it has all become tedious, to lay out your life to random women online and be rejected most of the time. I get enough replies, that usually lead nowhere.

[GoldSparkz]

I'm talking at least 2 or 3 months in. Even though there were many reasons why my last relationship ended, we had been dating over 5 months and he still had his dating profile up. It made me insecure and caused issues. We had a really good thing and the fact he still had it made me feel he thought otherwise. It caused the insecurity and feelings of inadequacy. The same thing happened with the guy I dated before that. We were dating over 4 months. He didn't want to take his profile down bc it gave him an ego boost.

 

OK, I would say 3 months is a reasonable time to date before asking the person/expecting the person to disable their profile. It seems as though this is a fundamental issue for you and by taking down their profile, they are giving you clarity that they are interested. For me personally, I get this clarity from the guy just turning up for a date - having been stood up too many times! Or another way I get this clarity is when the guy messages me first most of the time. Perhaps we have our own ways of gauging someone's interest level.

 

If it means this much to you, you could try discussing taking down your profiles together as part of the 'chat' once you reach the 3 month point and have decided that the guy matches up. See where he goes from there. If he follows through, then great. If not, then you know he's not serious so he's done you a favour and can move on.

 

There's nothing wrong with having insecurities in my opinion, we all have them. For me, I just try not to let them get in the way and spoil what could be potentially good relationships.

[Mumbles]

I feel like I'm constantly in competition with other women on these sites.

 

Love is war

 

Its an old saying, but Carhill or OldShirt or one of the other regulars wrote this as part of a really enlightened post recently that made me really seriously think about the old cliche.

 

It -is- war, and there are no prisoners. Fact is, you _are_ in constant competition with other women for suitable mates - and any man will tell you that the competition amongst males is fierce.

 

The thing is, with OLD and the profiles you speak of, not disappearing when you'd think that they should ... these profiles give you a measure and something to focus on. But the harsh and ugly reality is that even without OLD the same forces are at work - you are _still_ in competition with all other eligible females that might cross the path of your intended and your man knows damn straight that if he lets down his guard for even a moment that a hundred potential suitors will be knocking at your door (you might ignore them all - but the door is still going to be knocked).

 

The real clincher though is investment. Investment is why we all, collectively as a society, tend not to just live our lives as a continuous string of ONS. With OLD there is virtually no investment. Once you get to actually meet and date then its not really OLD any more ... the OLD thing is just meant to be a catalyst, much as bars are ... they bring available people together, but those people's base personality isn't likely to be changed much if at all. A philanderer on OLD sites will still be a philanderer IRL even if OLD didn't exist.

 

I reckon OLD has its place. Todays society is more fragmented than it probably has ever been, and people are very mobile too. It means that we very often end up in a situation of feeling like a stranger in a strange land. OLD has the potential to kick start friendships that might end up being a social circle of sorts, but I suspect the trick is to not expect more of the OLD experience than it can realistically provide.

 

For mine, I've never had any luck with it - I'm a man and suffered all the problems with OLD that so many men do. Its a different experience for women, so I'm told, but it doesn't sound any better, just different. Still, even you admit you've made at least a couple of male friends via the medium ... can those men not allow you to orbit their circle and perhaps meet other men?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Over the last 5 or so years, I've done the online dating scene. I've pretty much have done all the sites out there at one time or another. I've experienced the good, the bad and the ugly. I have honestly met some great guys along the way, of whom I'm actually still friends with. I've had my heartbroken along the way too. But here I am, still single.

 

In my experience, it seems I get to a certain point where it feels like we are on the same page but the other person doesn't want to take down their profile. Things are great up to that point. Then it usually ends shortly thereafter. How can you not take this personally? It makes me feel like I am not good enough or I was just an option until something better comes along. It hurts the ego. I feel like I'm constantly in competition with other women on these sites.

 

At this point, I think dating sites are out of the question for me. I just can't take that rejection anymore and wondering where/how i stack up.

 

What are other people's experiences? Am I taking things too personally?

 

Good points. I recall taking a break from online dating for year, came back to check things out and still saw the same faces of the women that I had emailed the year prior that had ignored me then. I had emailed them, again...but still no response or they had blocked me as a part of their system of weeding people out last year.

 

I sometimes thought, "Hm, same people, should I bother trying them again?"

 

They remain permanent fixtures of the site thinking their "Perfect"guy will come strolling into small town America.

[OatsAndHall]

Yeah... I think they need to pull down their profile after three months of dating. I would be pretty suspect of a woman who still had their profile up and said they liked the "ego boost". That would be a deal breaker for me. Relationships are hard enough with wondering if your significant other has a foot out the door.

 

OLD dating has it's ups and downs. I had a lot of success with it when I lived in a populated area but I moved into the sticks and it was frustrating. A female friend of mine has always suggested that I open a fake female account (no pic, no messages, just "stalking", lol) to see what other male profiles looked like in the area so I could try to "stand out".

 

Well, I figured out in a hurry why I wasn't getting responses. The vast majority of the male profiles in the area were filled with guys with gym selfies, pics in wife beaters, pics showing off their tattoos and motorcycles, shooting guns, etc..etc.. Most talked about being "country boys" that enjoyed hunting, fishing, driving pick up trucks/motorcycles, "drinkin' beer under a summer's moon" (HA!).. Basically, take the characters from "Sons Of Anarchy" and give them OLD profiles..

 

I found out that I was the polar opposite of these guys, in most ways. I'm a coach/teacher, I enjoy hunting and fishing but I don't have pics of dead fish/deer on my profile page (a few selfies, one full body pic) and my smart a-- profile that's a string of random references to movies and music.

 

At first, I was kind of frustrated about it in an elitist sort of way. But, I chilled out real quick because I wouldn't click with any women that was attracted to those kinds of guys anyway.

[Gaeta]

I'm talking at least 2 or 3 months in.

 

Way to long to be dating with profiles still up. By not addressing exclusivity early you sent the message you were ok with casual dating and all profiles being public.

 

Within 1 month or 5-6 dates a man knows if you've got his attention and exclusivity should be addressed. If he's not interested in exclusivity yet you set him free.

 

A man that is really interested in you won't want you on a dating site.

 

I can't imagine how many 2-3 months you wasted on men by waiting so long.

[Gaeta]

We were dating over 4 months. He didn't want to take his profile down bc it gave him an ego boost.

 

After 5 years online you should know that's a crap excuse. If a man wants an ego boost then he needs to hit the gym. Being online and advertising himself as single while in a relationship is only indicative he's not into you and he's fishing for the next best thing.

[Miss Spider]

After 5 years online you should know that's a crap excuse. If a man wants an ego boost then he needs to hit the gym. Being online and advertising himself as single while in a relationship is only indicative he's not into you and he's fishing for the next best thing.

 

I believe men do use it for an ego boost or boredom. The closest I've come to understanding it is that men don't get validation as much as women out and about so being messaged or matched by women, even if they aren't interested in taking it further, feels good. Why I believe this phenomenon: Research on tinder showed many men on tinder match with women and never send a single message. Also, my friend bf told her he was only seeing her when they met but she saw him online on a lot ( like a month in, she was on there too) so she of us sent messages, owith a fake account, and he never responded..he took his profile down awhile later when they became official.

 

 

However, if he is in this small subset of men i still think if he's interested in something with you he should not be active out of respect for you and if he will not take it down I think that's something else entirely

[Gaeta]

I believe men do use it for an ego boost or boredom. The closest I've come to understanding it is that men don't get validation as much as women out and about so being messaged or matched by women, even if they aren't interested in taking it further, feels good. Why I believe this phenomenon: Research on tinder showed many men on tinder match with women and never send a single message.

 

A man that is in a relationship and needs to be active on a dating site to get an ego boost is a weak man with emotional problems. I would not date a man that needs that type of re-assurance from stranger women. Being in a relationship = we are both off line.

 

 

Also, my friend bf told her he was only seeing her when they met but she saw him online on a lot ( like a month in, she was on there too) so she of us sent messages, owith a fake account, and he never responded..he took his profile down awhile later when they became official.

This is an entirely different situation. Your friend had only been dating him for 1 month and they were not exclusive. There was nothing wrong with him being online.