Needed: Long-Term GF Break-Up, Semi-Reconciliation, Rinse and Repeat

[Op_Diom]

Hi,

 

I'm new here. But I am hoping that some of you all might be able to provide some advice, explanations, general insight, or even constructive criticism in regard to a situation I have been dealing with for the past 14 months or so: that is, the January before last my GF [let's call her J] of 8 years officially broke-up with me, and we have attempted to "work things out" a few times since then -- each attempt ultimately ending in failure due to her refusal to actually commit to me again in any meaningful way. But I probably should begin from the beginning in order to provide some context.

 

J and I began dating when she was 15 and I was 16. I remember being awe-struck in the crowded high school hallway the first time I saw her; I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and immediately set my sights on her. She was at that time in a relationship with an older guy, but I eventually won her over and we shortly thereafter began dating. We were by definition "high school sweethearts." We were insanely in love and everything was perfect for the next two years -- until I graduated and went to college that is. I yearned for the genuine "college experience" and it eventually got the best of me. I broke up with J halfway through my freshman year but after 4 or 5 months I realized the mistake I made and had to win her back for the second time.

 

Fast forward to a couple years ago. Everything was good between J and I. But my own life was in shambles: I had hung around the wrong people in college and developed an addiction to some fairly heavy drugs. I eventually stopped and went back to college in attempt to repair my GPA so that I could achieve my dream of going to law school. In the end, I did just that. But the post-drug life was uneventful to say the least. I worked a lot and was irritable a lot. And this wore on J, and it wore on our relationship. I took her and our relationship for granted; I now realize this. She officially broke up with me the January before I was accepted into law school. She is in med school. So we both were and are very busy nowadays. But after giving her some space for a few months after the break-up, I attempted to make contact and reconcile the situation. She wasn't having it. She began to informally date another guy -- but then he moved and got a job 7 or 8 hours away. A little while after that she made contact and we attempted to "work things out."

 

But it didn't work out that time, nor did it work out the most recent time [a few days ago]. I constantly felt like I was just a placeholder or some safety net. She couldn't date this new guy and wanted me to stay close just in case. She denies this of course but I can't see why she still wants me to be close by, but not too close. She never really wants to hangout when we attempt to work on our relationship and ends up pissing me off to the extent that I lash out after getting fed up with wasting more of my life on trying to make up for how things ended up between us. But she never seems to be willing to allow me to make it up to her.

 

I was devastated and still am. I felt like I lost my best friend. I keep envisioning the high school J in my dreams -- and only find some shell of that former person when I actually see her now in person. I still love her more than life itself and I know that she has at least felt the same way in the past. I just don't know if it is now too late or not. I feel like she given up on me, she used to say things like "I want the old X back" and "you have just changed so much." I guess we grew apart and changed in the opposite directions. I am really confused about what to do. Why would she want to keep in contact and be cordial and even want to attempt to reconcile but then not really set it into action? Should I move on? Any advice is much appreciated.

[preraph]

Your last paragraph summed it up nicely. You were very young and now you are different people. You both miss those young people, but you have grown apart. She doesn't know how to be without you to lean on, and not sure about you, but it sounds like she feels some dependence, and maybe it's codependence, just hard to get along without each other after this long. I think you are a safety net and she'd be happy with you in the friendzone and telling you about her real dates, but that would be very toxic for you.

 

Has either of you begun dating other people? It's something you both need to do, not just sit in place spinning wheels.

[Op_Diom]

I only know of one guy she has actually dated since the break-up. This was the guy who ended up moving far away and who I suspect was partially responsible for our break-up. But she is very closed off and distant. It was like a switch flipped one day and she just keeps me at arms length now. So I admittedly don't know much about what is going on with her. Each time I try to make progress in the communication dept she ends up backing up. I have dated two girls somewhat informally since then -- really as a means to see if I can get a "true" emotional reaction out of her.

 

About a month ago I got one. She started to open up and we agreed to try to work on things. We were making real headway for about 3 weeks including dinner dates, casual netflix nights and even started to stay over at each other's places again. But this was short lived. Its like she woke up one day and was satisfied knowing I was "still there for her" and that she still had more time to browse or something. So yes I agree with the codependence-issues. It is something we have acknowledged to some degree.

[Op_Diom]

We were also amidst "marriage talks" before we broke up originally. She first started to bring it up a couple years ago, and I was reluctant to bite at that point. However, when I started warming up to the idea a few months before the break-up, she pulled back and it was all downhill from there. So I don't know how that influences a girl's thought process but I feel like she thinks that once she actually re-commits and we start actually dating again then it is just a matter of time until marriage -- and that scares her right now I think?

[ExpatInItaly]

High school sweethearts very rarely remain together forever, and this is why. You have both of course changed a lot since you were young teens. The kids you were then are different from the adults you are now.

 

It seems she knows this but has had trouble really letting go. You're familiar and comfortable. It's not easy to walk away from, even when you know the relationship has run its course. But I think you're going to have to do just that, OP. She's obviously interested in dating other guys and not truly ready to settle down. You're both still very young and have a lot of life left.

 

Reconciliation isn't possible when it's only one person doing the real legwork. I have a feeling you're going to be left in the dust when someone she really clicks with comes along, unfortunately. You would be best to start letting go and detaching. It is possible you will find each other again someday, but it's clearly not the time right now.