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Dilemma: stay here with boyfriend or take job abroad for 9 months?

Lovezen_30

By Lovezen_30
in General Relationship Discussion

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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

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I worked & lived in Spain for 1 year a few years ago, returning to UK because a member of my family was very ill & I wanted to spend time with them. I've been back here for nearly 2 years now and have come to realise I don't want to live in my home city indefinitely, although it will always be 'home' in some way.

 

I didn't bank on meeting my boyfriend, who I have been with for 6 months, when I started applying for a job abroad that is in line with what I want to do as a career. This job would allow me to comfortably cover the costs of a post-graduate degree I plan to do next year. When I first met boyfriend, I was very transparent about my plans and he was supportive, saying he would come to visit often & make it work.

 

Now, though, we are madly in love and can bearly be apart for a week without missing each other (honeymoon period, I know). He is the most thoughtful, kind & handsome man - I can't remember feeling this content in any relationship & he has told me the same. Yesterday he invited me to a plus +1 to a wedding that he knows I could not attend if I accept the job - sometimes I feel he's sweeping it under the carpet because he'd miss me so much. He already lived and worked abroad for 2 years so I think he's got it out of his system.

 

When I think of not going to Spain and staying here in the same job, I feel quite trapped. :( Sometimes I find myself walking down the street and daydreaming about being back in the city I used to live & exploring more of Spain in general. But I don't want to lose my boyfriend either. What are your thoughts? How do I make the best decision?

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

You have to go and explore your dreams. You must!

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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

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You have to go and explore your dreams. You must!

 

Thanks for the encouragement Popsicle.

 

I suppose it is also a 'dream' to be in a fulfilling relationship and I adore my boyfriend. I fear losing him because we miss each other/grow apart while I'm gone.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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You can't abandon a life long dream & financial stability for a guy you have known for 6 months. Granted being away for 9 months is 1.5x the length of your relationship but you have plenty of ways to stay in touch. If it's meant to be, you will survive this short term hurdle.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
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If this thing with your job is your dream, then you have to follow it. Some women's dream is to find the right guy, settle down, and make a family. Some women have a dream they are pursuing whether it's through their job or through travel or whatever.

 

You just remember this is your one time as who you are on this earth and that you should do what you want to do most. If you feel trapped, even with your man there making you feel loved, then something is amiss.

 

You may or may not find someone as good again, so you have to decide if you don't, will you have regrets or will you be happy on your own if it comes to that. But if you have a dream, and making a family isn't it, then go follow your dream. If having a family is one of your dreams later down the road, then decide if you want to take that chance.

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WaitingForBardot Established Member

WaitingForBardot

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I would go for the job myself. No doubt it could strain your relationship, but 9 months out of a 10-, 20-, 30-year life together really isn't much. And it will provide a lifetime of memories in addition to the career possibilities.

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bubblefairy New Member

bubblefairy

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I would definitely go for the job and career development. You can survive through this 9 months using Skype and share exciting new stories that happen abroad. It's not like you can't come back after 9 months to see him again. If he's the one, he will understand and try to work through this temporary long-distance relationship with you.

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Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted (edited)

Go for it. It's only 9 months, and Spain and the UK aren't all that far apart. If your job pays well you should be able to see each other once a month or so.

 

I honestly think that a relatively short period of medium-distance LDR like yours is something that every strong relationship will survive. Once we get into the years-long LDRs with no endpoint and very long distances, then that would understandably take its toll on even the most compatible couple, but in your case I really don't see how it would hurt your relationship if it is as good and stable as you say.

 

So, go for it. Chances are the R will make it. And if it doesn't, it likely wasn't meant to be anyway.

 

As for the wedding invite, I don't know about him but I generally pass on all invites to my SO regardless of whether he'll be able to make it or not. So I wouldn't necessarily think that him passing it on to you means that he is against you going to Spain.

Edited by Elswyth
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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted (edited)
I worked & lived in Spain for 1 year a few years ago, returning to UK because a member of my family was very ill & I wanted to spend time with them. I've been back here for nearly 2 years now and have come to realise I don't want to live in my home city indefinitely, although it will always be 'home' in some way.

 

I didn't bank on meeting my boyfriend, who I have been with for 6 months, when I started applying for a job abroad that is in line with what I want to do as a career. This job would allow me to comfortably cover the costs of a post-graduate degree I plan to do next year. When I first met boyfriend, I was very transparent about my plans and he was supportive, saying he would come to visit often & make it work.

 

Now, though, we are madly in love and can bearly be apart for a week without missing each other (honeymoon period, I know). He is the most thoughtful, kind & handsome man - I can't remember feeling this content in any relationship & he has told me the same. Yesterday he invited me to a plus +1 to a wedding that he knows I could not attend if I accept the job - sometimes I feel he's sweeping it under the carpet because he'd miss me so much. He already lived and worked abroad for 2 years so I think he's got it out of his system.

 

When I think of not going to Spain and staying here in the same job, I feel quite trapped. :( Sometimes I find myself walking down the street and daydreaming about being back in the city I used to live & exploring more of Spain in general. But I don't want to lose my boyfriend either. What are your thoughts? How do I make the best decision?

Save

 

Being with someone for only 6 months should not outweigh your desire to focus on your life/career goals. 6 months compared to YOUR entire future is a drop in the bucket.

 

sometimes I feel he's sweeping it under the carpet because he'd miss me so much. He already lived and worked abroad for 2 years so I think he's got it out of his system. -- Yes, he may be experiencing a degree of denial, but, until you make your decision, he's just continuing to make plans.

 

You are not married or even engaged to him -- you should take "him" out of the equation and not allow that to cloud your judgement/decision-making.

 

No one knows what the future holds, but at 6 months, you cannot count on nor is there anything you can do to control/ensure that the relationship will last. There is, however, a lot you can do to control/ensure that you are well-prepared for a future as a single, young, independent woman. Now is the time for you to explore and follow your dreams and do things for yourself so that you don't look back with regret for not having fulfilled them.

 

When I think of not going to Spain and staying here in the same job, I feel quite trapped -- If this is how you feel, I can pretty much guarantee, that at some point in the relationship and, likely within the next few months, that you will begin to project resentment into your relationship if you decide to stay for your boyfriend.

 

Carpe Diem.

Edited by Redhead14
central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

I urge you to take the job, and pursue your education and career. At this point, your relationship is too new to sacrifice those things for - if you were married, or even engaged, then perhaps (but even then, ONLY if there is no viable alternative).

 

 

You do have alternatives. He is willing to visit you. You may be able to visit him. And if the relationship survives this, then it is a huge positive confirmation of the seriousness of your mutual commitment. You also come out of it with the resources you need for your future success, regardless of the outcome of this relationship.

  • Like 1
understand50 Established Member

understand50

Posted
Posted

Lovezen_30,

 

Look it is not the time apart, it is not you taking a job in Spain, but as you seem to be in the UK, I do not know why he or you would not visit monthly. Here is the real elephant in the room: Are you both at a stage where you will remain faithful to each other.? If not, then you need to break it off with the B/F, or make it clear, you are not exclusive. In my mind, this is not complicated, as if this guy is the love of your life, a 9 month job apart is nothing and can easily be done by two people in love.

 

So the real question is not should you take the job, you should, as it will show just how deep and strong your love is together, but you need to have a long talk with your B/F and set some goals and find out just what is the relationship. Is it for real? If so, promise to remain sexual faithful, and have a long distance relationship. If not, keep in touch, but do not expect to remain exclusive. In any event, this will shake out where you are.

 

I wish you luck.....

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