OLD - Transitioning from messages to phone with women

[Lilyana76]

Honestly, my mind always jumps to them hiding something if they won't call me. Like their wife or girlfriend is in the room or something...

 

I think you can also tell more about a person through their voice, and the way they communicate. Which can further tell you if you want to meet up with them or if you think it would be a waste of time.

[SevenCity]

What age group are these women? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I've been OLD one/off since early 00s and noticed a steady progression towards texting, especially amongst the younger site members. They are happy to text, even until meeting up! So to re-phrase, they are comfortable with not hearing your voice until the point that you meet in person?! I've even had guys who say they are not comfortable talking on the phone when asked to progress from texting. Red flag!

 

In my opinion, it seems as though you see phone calls as a natural progression in the early stages of dating, so if the girl isn't comfortable with it, then the chances are she won't be comfortable with phone calls when you're dating. Maybe use this as a way to weed out the unsuitable matches.

 

Ages are 38 - 44 for the most part. We're not talking millenals lol.

 

I don't care to talk too much on the phone either. Rather it's a screening technique to see if there is something there and to make sure they are a real person. The dates I've been on that resulted in me not interested always gave me a clue over the phone. I pushed through anyway figuring it might be worth a shot (with the exception of a couple who were really bad).

 

However now I'd like to be more selective now and not waste time.

[Miss Peach]

I think this is largely a gender difference. The goals are a bit different.

 

For men it's let's get this off OLD ASAP and schedule a date. Women often want to build up a comfort level where she can figure he's not a creep and he would be fun to spend time with. Every woman is different in how and how long it takes to build that comfort level. I think with most people who aren't time wasters, this should be achievable within 1-2 weeks after the initial message on OLD.

 

For me I would be totally fine with 3-4 messages if they were decent ones (and not just Hi and How are you). I personally like a phone conversation as I've been able to screen in and out guys that way and it's a lot easier/quicker to schedule a call then get dressed, drive across town, meet, etc. But if I am getting enough through messaging and texting I am OK to arrange a meet without a phone call but he might not be getting priority in my schedule over guys I've met IRL or have talked to on the phone.

 

If I have enough of these guys that are unknowns, then the guy might not get a date just because I only have so many days for dating and there may be guys who have differentiated themselves more.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Miss Peach

[SevenCity]

I think this is largely a gender difference. The goals are a bit different.

 

For men it's let's get this off OLD ASAP and schedule a date. Women often want to build up a comfort level where she can figure he's not a creep and he would be fun to spend time with. Every woman is different in how and how long it takes to build that comfort level. I think with most people who aren't time wasters, this should be achievable within 1-2 weeks after the initial message on OLD.

 

For me I would be totally fine with 3-4 messages if they were decent ones (and not just Hi and How are you). I personally like a phone conversation as I've been able to screen in and out guys that way and it's a lot easier/quicker to schedule a call then get dressed, drive across town, meet, etc. But if I am getting enough through messaging and texting I am OK to arrange a meet without a phone call but he might not be getting priority in my schedule over guys I've met IRL or have talked to on the phone.

 

If I have enough of these guys that are unknowns, then the guy might not get a date just because I only have so many days for dating and there may be guys who have differentiated themselves more.

 

Building the comfort is exactly why I do it. Guys do want to meet up right away but women have safety concerns that are often alieviated by building rapport through text and a phone call.

 

With the last two I tried asking them out for a drink without the phone call so we'll see how that goes.

 

The messaging back and forth can be counterproductive as well. It's a fine line between having a good text convo and becoming a texting buddy. I made that mistake with one girl.

 

Only one girl I spoke with so far expressed objections to the phone call and said it was weird. So I said ok, when are you free to have a drink? To which she responded a month later after her certification exam. I'm sure she had no intention of meeting up. In speaking with women friends they are all too familiar with girls on OLD just looking for validation and suffering from boredom.

[academicmoss]

Seven,

 

I've been reading/agreeing with many of your posts in regards to your ex. I don't mean to be rude, please don't think so, and I can't private message you, but if you still miss her, and would probably reconcile (I haven't read where you've completely shut the door to that) how is it you're ready to date?

 

I know that 5 months is quite some time, but 7 years is a good little portion of your life. My ex, of 7.5 months, blocked me on Sunday to take a break from all the drama/stress and to figure out what he wants. He's reached out to me twice, once I replied to. Even though it was only 7 months, I hate the thought of him sleeping with somebody so soon after our split. Just the thought of another man makes me want to puke. I believe in love and I believe if you truly love somebody that you would swallow your pride and try to make it work. If he contacted me soon to reconcile, I would definitely try as I'm not ready to give up. However, I don't think that will happen. If I was fully over him I would move on with no problem, but you seem to still love your ex and maybe reconcile.

 

- Jenny

[SevenCity]

Seven,

 

I've been reading/agreeing with many of your posts in regards to your ex. I don't mean to be rude, please don't think so, and I can't private message you, but if you still miss her, and would probably reconcile (I haven't read where you've completely shut the door to that) how is it you're ready to date?

 

I know that 5 months is quite some time, but 7 years is a good little portion of your life. My ex, of 7.5 months, blocked me on Sunday to take a break from all the drama/stress and to figure out what he wants. He's reached out to me twice, once I replied to. Even though it was only 7 months, I hate the thought of him sleeping with somebody so soon after our split. Just the thought of another man makes me want to puke. I believe in love and I believe if you truly love somebody that you would swallow your pride and try to make it work. If he contacted me soon to reconcile, I would definitely try as I'm not ready to give up. However, I don't think that will happen. If I was fully over him I would move on with no problem, but you seem to still love your ex and maybe reconcile.

 

- Jenny

 

Fair question. I disagree with most on here regarding being completely over your ex before you start dating. Instead, I feel it's important to date as soon as you can. Get back up on the horse so to speak.

 

Although nothing has worked out long term yet, it has definitely distracted me. The alternative of sitting home alone stewing in my misery was not appealing at all.

 

Moreover, I have learned a lot more about dating through the practice I've had. I've also learned a lot about myself. I am very objective now and clearly see when a woman isn't a good match.

 

My ex has moved on with her life (as evident by not hearing a peep from her) and I am doing the same. I am proceeding as if she is never going to return as she likely won't.

 

Am I over it? No. Would I take her back? No idea - but I'll say this : as more time goes on the door is closing. But I tell you, if the right girl comes along I'm willing to go full in and see where it goes.

 

The last girl who broke my heart, nearly 10 years ago, took me 2 years to finally get over and that was only a one year RL. I have no idea how long this will take to get past but I'm not willing to put my life on hold until I am apathetic towards her.

 

The first girl I slept with felt like cheating - it got easier after that and continues to do so.

 

I'm much better off for having dated than not.

[academicmoss]

Fair question. I disagree with most on here regarding being completely over your ex before you start dating. Instead, I feel it's important to date as soon as you can. Get back up on the horse so to speak.

 

Although nothing has worked out long term yet, it has definitely distracted me. The alternative of sitting home alone stewing in my misery was not appealing at all.

 

Moreover, I have learned a lot more about dating through the practice I've had. I've also learned a lot about myself. I am very objective now and clearly see when a woman isn't a good match.

 

My ex has moved on with her life (as evident by not hearing a peep from her) and I am doing the same. I am proceeding as if she is never going to return as she likely won't.

 

Am I over it? No. Would I take her back? No idea - but I'll say this : as more time goes on the door is closing. But I tell you, if the right girl comes along I'm willing to go full in and see where it goes.

 

The last girl who broke my heart, nearly 10 years ago, took me 2 years to finally get over and that was only a one year RL. I have no idea how long this will take to get past but I'm not willing to put my life on hold until I am apathetic towards her.

 

The first girl I slept with felt like cheating - it got easier after that and continues to do so.

 

I'm much better off for having dated than not.

 

Thanks for your reply. I guess I'm just not at that place, nor see myself there anytime soon. I like to think he's just taking a break and letting the dust settle without jumping in the sack with somebody. I'm different when it comes to sex. I can't really open myself up enough to have sex with someone I don't know. I don't do one night stands, nor causal sex. I have 0 desire to be with somebody. I'm just grieving I guess. It's still raw for me. Being on here and seeing all the posts about sleeping with somebody feels like I'm ripping a bandaid off, if you know what I mean.

[normal person]

Well I guess even this topic deserves a venomous response!

 

Wasn't intended to be "venomous," apologies if it came off that way -- I'm just much more a fan of pragmatism and harsh realities rather than the sugarcoated, impractical responses people are quick to give here sometimes.

 

The reason I offer my number is to make them feel more comfortable. I try to be conscious of their concerns of giving their number to a stranger by offering mine. What usually happens is they text me and then I setup time to talk and call them.

 

I agree that women will probably experience some element of caution when talking to someone new, but to me this just seems like overkill. If they're engaging with you, they expect you're going to have their number eventually anyways. What's the harm in that? It's sort of like offering a women to take your arm to help her across the street because you assume she might not feel safe doing it on her own. It's a nice gesture, but essentially totally unnecessary and might sort of feel like contrived chivalry. She's capable of crossing the street without you, and she's capable of ignoring you if she doesn't like you. If she's talking to you, she's accepted the small risk already.

 

I would argue offering yours first loses you some of the "battleground" girls who were on the fence who wanted you take action yourself, I'm not sure (and I could be wrong), offering your number is giving you any advantage, I'd be surprised if it had anything but a negative affect. I'm thinking back to a time when I was overwhelmed and in a rush, and a girl was messaging me and I didn't have the patience or time to do the whole song and dance so for whatever reason I said "here's my number, text me," knowing full well it was unorthodox. Rather than text me, she just messaged me back her number and told me to text her. Like a lot of women, she wanted to feel pursued -- not comforted and assured of safety beyond all reason. That sort of thing and what I know about today's dating landscape and women wanting men to be proactive makes me think you might not be helping yourself. That being said, if you're happy with the quality/quantity of women who engage in the whole practice and text you back to call them, then there's no problem and you might as well continue. If you're not, maybe it's time to reevaluate.

 

 

Understand I'm not in a large city but have been to NYC for three dates. I agree that the phone call is not a guarantee but if it can save me a trip I'm all for it. That said, I'm not interested in going on as many dates as I can. I'm interested in finding a girl who I want to have a LTR with.

 

That's fair if you're doing it save the time/effort yourself. What's the conversion rate of phone calls to dates? What percentage don't make the cut for you after the phone call? And how many do you call that don't want to go out with you after?

 

I'll have to take a look at that link as I am open to learning as this is fairly new to me.

 

There's not much to it, to be honest. When she messages you, you just say thanks, insert some personal information or appreciation for whatever she wrote, say you think messaging is tedious and it's much easier to meet someone in person, and suggest they give you their number and you'll take them somewhere cool, and if not, best of luck to them. Has worked 95% of the time for me.

 

 

Not sure how old you are but people my age use the phone still.

 

That's fine if it's working for you now, but be warned: we're going through a "young-ification" of society. People are acting younger. Adults are using emojis, Snapchat, and taking selfies. The proclivities of the average 40 year old woman today are akin to a 29 year old woman 10 years ago. Phone calls are losing value -- FaceTime would be a much, much better option. Times are changing, so if you're resistant to change, you might get left in the dust eventually.

 

I'm fine with texting but I run the risk of meeting someone I could have screened out on the phone.

 

True, but my argument is you may have screened yourself out from other women by doing things this way. You win some, you lose some, perhaps. It's best to be adaptable.

 

I'm open to trying a different approach so perhaps I'll forgo the phone call for the next batch and report my results.

 

I've just been playing devil's advocate and giving my insights/experiences for the sake of discussion and new ideas. If you've found a way that's working for you, there's no reason to change. And like I said, if you're still into the screening process, you might have better luck asking to FaceTime first rather than call. It's more intimate and you get a lot of the visual information from the person that you might need to make your decision, it's really not out of the ordinary. When I travel and meet women in other cities I FaceTime them first to screen them as I can't just meet them a few blocks away yet and the time/financial investment would be too large to justify otherwise.

 

Best of luck, I'll be curious to hear what you do and how it goes.

[SevenCity]

Thanks for your reply. I guess I'm just not at that place, nor see myself there anytime soon. I like to think he's just taking a break and letting the dust settle without jumping in the sack with somebody. I'm different when it comes to sex. I can't really open myself up enough to have sex with someone I don't know. I don't do one night stands, nor causal sex. I have 0 desire to be with somebody. I'm just grieving I guess. It's still raw for me. Being on here and seeing all the posts about sleeping with somebody feels like I'm ripping a bandaid off, if you know what I mean.

 

In was like that at first. For the first month I couldn't even think about sex. I literally had zero desire (except with my ex). The thought of being with another woman made my stomach turn.

 

A month in I decided to do a few speed dating events. I got picked by a lot of the girls but liked few. This one girl and I had the same type of dog and she suggested we go to a dog park the following day. I agreed.

 

When she showed up she was larger than I had thought (I only saw her sitting down). She asked me to hold her hand as she was wearing heals over some uneven terrain and it nearly turned my stomach to do so. When I got home I felt like throwing up. Needless to say we didn't get together again.

 

The second one from the event turned out to be larger than I thought (again, only saw her sitting) but I pushed through a few dates. It got to the point where she just annoyed the crap out of me but I proved to myself I could kiss another woman.

 

As the months went on the women got better looking, I got a lot more confidence, and actually ended up having fun and ultimately sex. The first time was rough as I felt like I had cheated by having a woman other than my ex in my bed but I pushed through. The next ones were much better.

 

It may not be for everyone but I was on a mission to prove to myself I could have a sexual relationship with another woman. Both in my ability to do it as well as my ability to enjoy it.

 

What I realized is I don't want to have sex with a woman for whom I do not have an emotional connection (although small I had it for these women breifly). But I've proven to myself that I'm capable of getting and seducing women.

 

This is a far cry from 6 months ago when I felt I would never get another woman again and I was on the verge of ending my life. I've also realized I can be alone now and as much as I don't prefer it it beats being with someone you don't really like (the girls I dated).

[academicmoss]

In was like that at first. For the first month I couldn't even think about sex. I literally had zero desire (except with my ex). The thought of being with another woman made my stomach turn.

 

A month in I decided to do a few speed dating events. I got picked by a lot of the girls but liked few. This one girl and I had the same type of dog and she suggested we go to a dog park the following day. I agreed.

 

When she showed up she was larger than I had thought (I only saw her sitting down). She asked me to hold her hand as she was wearing heals over some uneven terrain and it nearly turned my stomach to do so. When I got home I felt like throwing up. Needless to say we didn't get together again.

 

The second one from the event turned out to be larger than I thought (again, only saw her sitting) but I pushed through a few dates. It got to the point where she just annoyed the crap out of me but I proved to myself I could kiss another woman.

 

As the months went on the women got better looking, I got a lot more confidence, and actually ended up having fun and ultimately sex. The first time was rough as I felt like I had cheated by having a woman other than my ex in my bed but I pushed through. The next ones were much better.

 

It may not be for everyone but I was on a mission to prove to myself I could have a sexual relationship with another woman. Both in my ability to do it as well as my ability to enjoy it.

 

What I realized is I don't want to have sex with a woman for whom I do not have an emotional connection (although small I had it for these women breifly). But I've proven to myself that I'm capable of getting and seducing women.

 

This is a far cry from 6 months ago when I felt I would never get another woman again and I was on the verge of ending my life. I've also realized I can be alone now and as much as I don't prefer it it beats being with someone you don't really like (the girls I dated).

 

I've noticed that you don't entirely agree with the whole NC thing, ignoring them when/and if they reach out. I dont know if you've read my story but unexpectedly my ex texted me this earlier...

 

"If you don't have any plans or not busy saturday if you want you could come hang out with me and maybe us go do something idk but if not I'll understand. My door will be open for you.. lol it don't matter if it was locked you have a key".

 

I believe he has BPD so he would need therapy, which he's agreed to, before this relationship would ever work. Should I go or not? What's your opinion? Most will probably tell me to ignore it but at the same time it could be a chance to sit down and talk face to face. He needed a break from all the thoughts in his head and the fighting so I haven't initiated contact, it's been him. It's been a week since I've saw him and 2 days NC, until he messaged me earlier. I hate to come in here and ask this in your thread but I can't message you. Your posts tend to catch my attention as you're not all "tell them to **** off". lol.. Actually, I just noticed I can private message, I guess? I'm such a newbie. lol

Edited February 17, 2017 by academicmoss

[SevenCity]

I've noticed that you don't entirely agree with the whole NC thing, ignoring them when/and if they reach out. I dont know if you've read my story but unexpectedly my ex texted me this earlier...

 

"If you don't have any plans or not busy saturday if you want you could come hang out with me and maybe us go do something idk but if not I'll understand. My door will be open for you.. lol it don't matter if it was locked you have a key".

 

I believe he has BPD so he would need therapy, which he's agreed to, before this relationship would ever work. Should I go or not? What's your opinion? Most will probably tell me to ignore it but at the same time it could be a chance to sit down and talk face to face. He needed a break from all the thoughts in his head and the fighting so I haven't initiated contact, it's been him. It's been a week since I've saw him and 2 days NC, until he messaged me earlier. I hate to come in here and ask this in your thread but I can't message you. Your posts tend to catch my attention as you're not all "tell them to **** off". lol.. Actually, I just noticed I can private message, I guess? I'm such a newbie. lol

 

I responded in your original thread.

[SevenCity]

Wasn't intended to be "venomous," apologies if it came off that way -- I'm just much more a fan of pragmatism and harsh realities rather than the sugarcoated, impractical responses people are quick to give here sometimes.

 

I appreciate directness but it came across as "YOU'RE AN IDIOT FOR DOING IT THIS WAY". Glad that was not your intent. Again, I'm not saying what I'm doing is right which is why I posted here.

 

I agree that women will probably experience some element of caution when talking to someone new, but to me this just seems like overkill. If they're engaging with you, they expect you're going to have their number eventually anyways. What's the harm in that? It's sort of like offering a women to take your arm to help her across the street because you assume she might not feel safe doing it on her own. It's a nice gesture, but essentially totally unnecessary and might sort of feel like contrived chivalry. She's capable of crossing the street without you, and she's capable of ignoring you if she doesn't like you. If she's talking to you, she's accepted the small risk already.

 

Some are more cautious than others. This one girl I dated didn't let me know her real address until about a month in. Yet she got into my car on the first date. Isn't that where the danger is?

 

I know there are a lot of nuts online so I first tried to put them at ease. Now I'll go as far to allow them to suggest a place to meet "If it makes them feel more comfortable". In reality I have no idea where to go as usually their town or city is unfamiliar to me.

 

I would argue offering yours first loses you some of the "battleground" girls who were on the fence who wanted you take action yourself, I'm not sure (and I could be wrong), offering your number is giving you any advantage, I'd be surprised if it had anything but a negative affect. I'm thinking back to a time when I was overwhelmed and in a rush, and a girl was messaging me and I didn't have the patience or time to do the whole song and dance so for whatever reason I said "here's my number, text me," knowing full well it was unorthodox. Rather than text me, she just messaged me back her number and told me to text her. Like a lot of women, she wanted to feel pursued -- not comforted and assured of safety beyond all reason. That sort of thing and what I know about today's dating landscape and women wanting men to be proactive makes me think you might not be helping yourself. That being said, if you're happy with the quality/quantity of women who engage in the whole practice and text you back to call them, then there's no problem and you might as well continue. If you're not, maybe it's time to reevaluate.

 

That's a good point - I will look at changing my approach.

 

 

That's fair if you're doing it save the time/effort yourself. What's the conversion rate of phone calls to dates? What percentage don't make the cut for you after the phone call? And how many do you call that don't want to go out with you after?

 

I've never had any of them not want to go out with me after a phone call. Most were actually more excited after the discussion. One did end up cancelling the date the next day but I don't know if it was due to speaking with her. So far I only nixed one because she was completely rude and the phone call was 60 seconds with me saying "I don't think we'll be a good match".

 

However, I feel like it's time to start trusting my gut as every time I spoke with one and had a feeling it wouldn't work out I was right. I'd like to be more selective.

 

There's not much to it, to be honest. When she messages you, you just say thanks, insert some personal information or appreciation for whatever she wrote, say you think messaging is tedious and it's much easier to meet someone in person, and suggest they give you their number and you'll take them somewhere cool, and if not, best of luck to them. Has worked 95% of the time for me.

 

That's interesting. Reading your example it comes off as extremely rude and off putting to me. I'm not saying you're intending it, and if 95% of them work with that approach perhaps they are not either. To me it comes off as a take it or leave it attitude like you are not particularly interested in them. Maybe this is why it works?

 

What is the age demographic of the women you date?

 

 

That's fine if it's working for you now, but be warned: we're going through a "young-ification" of society. People are acting younger. Adults are using emojis, Snapchat, and taking selfies. The proclivities of the average 40 year old woman today are akin to a 29 year old woman 10 years ago. Phone calls are losing value -- FaceTime would be a much, much better option. Times are changing, so if you're resistant to change, you might get left in the dust eventually.

 

I agree with this. Facetime would be a great way to communicate but I'm not sure how many women would go for this. It's like they would feel the need to be "camera ready" for a phone call.

 

True, but my argument is you may have screened yourself out from other women by doing things this way. You win some, you lose some, perhaps. It's best to be adaptable.

 

Agreed. Like I said I tried the no phone call and asking them directly out "you seem cool, when are you free to meet up for a drink?" and have heard nothing from the last two.

 

The way you phrased it came across to me as unsure "if that works for you" but I am new to this. I tend to be more forward and just say what I want - not ask them if it's ok to want to meet them. Again, nothing wrong with the way you phrase it, it just wasn't me. I could also have come across as too cocky. Who knows.

 

I've just been playing devil's advocate and giving my insights/experiences for the sake of discussion and new ideas. If you've found a way that's working for you, there's no reason to change. And like I said, if you're still into the screening process, you might have better luck asking to FaceTime first rather than call. It's more intimate and you get a lot of the visual information from the person that you might need to make your decision, it's really not out of the ordinary. When I travel and meet women in other cities I FaceTime them first to screen them as I can't just meet them a few blocks away yet and the time/financial investment would be too large to justify otherwise.

 

Best of luck, I'll be curious to hear what you do and how it goes.

 

Yea since I live in the burbs there is always travel involved. Especially the dates in NYC. As a result of living where most people settle down (which is why I originally moved here) there are not a ton of single women in my area who fit my demographic and preferences.

 

With the two that I was messaging with I asked them out for a drink and have heard nothing which is fine but not a success.

 

However, I truly feel if a girl is somewhat interested a phone call wouldn't be that big a deal.

 

I'll try this method for a bit and see how it goes.

 

Appreciate the advice.

[thecrucible]

Hi SevenCity,

 

Your thread has given me food for thought. Usually I skip guys who give me their number and ask me to call them because it honestly makes me feel a bit awkward. I tend to assume when they do that they're players who want me on the hook by encouraging me to initiate with them. But if a guy asked me for my number and we started texting then I wouldn't mind that (thanks to people on LS who've convinced that texting with people from OLD doesn't have to be a bad idea). Since I was in a relationship where I had to do a lot of the work, I find I am hypersensitive to initiating early on as I want to feel like he's making the effort first. Obviously this has led to some disappointments if I misread a situation.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Funny you brought this up, I had just been corresponding with this woman online, only a couple of emails and she suggested meeting me in person before I brought it up. I didn't expect that after only 2 emails. LOL

 

So I was like, "Oh okay, good...can I get your phone # so I can call you to make plans?"

 

And she said, "I'd rather meet first as friends and see how it goes from there, please."

 

I guess she has reason to be cautious, but I've always had a strict policy to NOT agree to meet with someone without talking to them on the phone first...but I was willing to make an exception since she was the one that initiated desiring to meet.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

Ladies, do you always prefer to talk on the phone first before meeting the guy, or schedule the date via the dating site messaging system instead, then meet, and then go from there?

[SevenCity]

Hi SevenCity,

 

Your thread has given me food for thought. Usually I skip guys who give me their number and ask me to call them because it honestly makes me feel a bit awkward. I tend to assume when they do that they're players who want me on the hook by encouraging me to initiate with them. But if a guy asked me for my number and we started texting then I wouldn't mind that (thanks to people on LS who've convinced that texting with people from OLD doesn't have to be a bad idea). Since I was in a relationship where I had to do a lot of the work, I find I am hypersensitive to initiating early on as I want to feel like he's making the effort first. Obviously this has led to some disappointments if I misread a situation.

 

This was an eye opener for me as well. I thought doing the "safe" route would make them more comfortable. Meanwhile, it can have the opposite effect.

 

I'm glad you're open to my method and I'm open to the no call as well. I've had dates but several of them stopped responding so I'll try the no call to see how it goes. No bites with the last two.

 

I do have a question, how many messages is the sweet spot for asking them out? Most women seem to want to build rapport but I've also had many flake out

[thecrucible]

Ladies, do you always prefer to talk on the phone first before meeting the guy, or schedule the date via the dating site messaging system instead, then meet, and then go from there?

 

I prefer to set up the date via the website. Then once that date has been set, I'll send him my number and tell him we can text if either of us is running late or whatever. Last time I just said "Here's my number to make plans". I like it that way because I know we will meet for a date but it's also an invitation for him to text me in-between dates and to me that can be an indication of how interested they are in you.

[Popsicle]

For me, 3-5 messages then trade numbers and then talk on the phone and he'd better ask for a date then if the conversation goes well, or I'll think he's not serious and lose interest.

[bluefeather]

For me, 3-5 messages then trade numbers and then talk on the phone and he'd better ask for a date then if the conversation goes well, or I'll think he's not serious and lose interest.

 

I totally agree with that method. I'd rather have real talking with someone over the phone (and then see if we are good to meet up) instead of constant text back and forth. It's a horrible form of communication and very easy to misunderstand.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I agree that women will probably experience some element of caution when talking to someone new, but to me this just seems like overkill. If they're engaging with you, they expect you're going to have their number eventually anyways. What's the harm in that? It's sort of like offering a women to take your arm to help her across the street because you assume she might not feel safe doing it on her own. It's a nice gesture, but essentially totally unnecessary and might sort of feel like contrived chivalry. She's capable of crossing the street without you, and she's capable of ignoring you if she doesn't like you. If she's talking to you, she's accepted the small risk already.

 

 

Yeah, but what if she insists on NOT giving you her number, would this thusly qualify in the MAN giving her his #?

 

Seems like this whole mating ritual/song-and-dance is a lose/lose situation.

 

I'm still unsure if I want to meet this woman I met on OK Cupid who won't give me her #, she won't even tell me her first name even though I told her mine.

[SevenCity]

Yeah, but what if she insists on NOT giving you her number, would this thusly qualify in the MAN giving her his #?

 

Seems like this whole mating ritual/song-and-dance is a lose/lose situation.

 

I'm still unsure if I want to meet this woman I met on OK Cupid who won't give me her #, she won't even tell me her first name even though I told her mine.

 

That sounds catfishy to me. Could just be an over paranoid chick but not giving her name? Really? People give their name to strangers all the time.

 

If something happened to her that made her this paranoid she shouldn't be dating online.

 

Either that or she is already involved with someone and is sneaking behind their back.

 

Might be worth a shot if it's not too far but I would be turned off.

 

But women have the advantage and can create all types of rules that a lot of guys will follow. Abundance causes selectiveness and unreasonable expectations.

[LookAtThisPOst]

That sounds catfishy to me. Could just be an over paranoid chick but not giving her name? Really? People give their name to strangers all the time.

 

If something happened to her that made her this paranoid she shouldn't be dating online.

 

Either that or she is already involved with someone and is sneaking behind their back.

 

Might be worth a shot if it's not too far but I would be turned off.

 

But women have the advantage and can create all types of rules that a lot of guys will follow. Abundance causes selectiveness and unreasonable expectations.

 

Well, I could agree on the whole catfishy thing. But I have a real life friend I've spoken to that is on OK Cupid and she told me that she would have NOT agreed to have meet me in person, if insisted on talking to her before meeting.

 

She was VERY serious about this. Won't budge on it either.

[SevenCity]

Well, I could agree on the whole catfishy thing. But I have a real life friend I've spoken to that is on OK Cupid and she told me that she would have NOT agreed to have meet me in person, if insisted on talking to her before meeting.

 

She was VERY serious about this. Won't budge on it either.

 

I've tried the suggestion from Normal Person of going strait for the date through online and 2 have agreed so far (have not had the dates yet so we'll see).

 

I would prefer a phone call but I'll give this a shot and see where it goes.

 

What really hit home for me was a post on Reddit about bumble. There's a feature that shows a queue of people who already liked you and you can pay a service to get those people up front. I have had a high of 13 women but usually less than that. Women who posted in these threads had 400-1200 guys who already liked them!

 

From a time perspective I can see a phone call being a bother when guys are willing to take them out without one.

 

I asked another girl tonight who was on OLD for a while and she said she wouldn't talk on the phone before. Primarily because she doesn't like talking on the phone.

 

What throws me about your situation is she's not even giving her name. That sounds nuts to me. But, if she's attraftive and you think she's real take a chance. Just make sure you're not setup for being robbed / jacked.