I cannot tell if he gave me double talk or not...

[smackie9]

Actions speak louder than words......drops microphone.

[Stillits]

No one is expected to commit ever. People keep their options open as long as they feel it necessary to. It's not about how many days passed to me. If you only had 9 dates where you barely communicated that would be different, but I am of the belief a man only needs a few dates max to know if he wants a relationship with a certain woman if he knows he wants a one. He might not ask at the time. But the bottom line is OP is ahead of this guy by way of feelings and he's telling her as much. He's keeping his options open and so should she.

 

2 dates? You don't even know anything about each other at this point.

 

Glad I'm happy enough with being on my own to not have to deal with this kind of dating. It's just so much better when a relationship can unfold naturally, and you actually fall in love with someone you know. I guess it depends on how serious being in a relationship is to each individual.

[Miss Spider]

2 dates? You don't even know anything about each other at this point.

 

Glad I'm happy enough with being on my own to not have to deal with this kind of dating. It's just so much better when a relationship can unfold naturally, and you actually fall in love with someone you know. I guess it depends on how serious being in a relationship is to each individual.

 

Maybe not two...but a few. Like I said, it's hard to quantify but it's based on interaction and a man doesnt need to know a woman incredibly well to fall for her. A few. 5ish dates of good conversation and experiencing her in a handful of moods.And if a man wants a relationship and if he falls for a woman it is not a huge jump for him to want a committed exclusive relationship. Maybe it's a definitions thing again. That is not my definition of 'serious' relationship. It just means you are dating to the exclusion of others in hope it will lead there.

[introverted1]

omg

 

I wrote that I have enjoyed spending time with him, and that the more I see him, the more I grow to like him and that I'm ready to delete my profile if he is.

 

He texted me (he's more into texting than I am...would have preferred a phone call but I guess this is the time we live in) and this was our conversation (I typed this fast so forgive my typos):

 

him-thank you for the great card. i agree that we are good for each other. i haven't been talking with any other girls or logged on for a while

me- the ball is in your court...

him-i think it would be good to take down profiles. i am probably more cautiously optimistic. please don't get me wrong. i've enjoyed everything we have done together very much!! and while i have no reason to think anything would change i have to remind myself that we have only known each other for a short amount of time.

me- got it

him- while everything is super awesome so far and i think both of us are being completely honest and not phony at all, there is just stuff people pick up over time. not a long time or anything, just more than a few weeks. but that doesn't mean match can't lose our profiles lol. im certainly not interested in seeing other people. are we good?

me= i dont really understand anything you said but in my experience any long answer to a simple question usually isnt good.

him- =( im saying that i think it would be good to take down our profiles and i would like to continue seeing you and getting to know each other. so far everything has been awesome but jumping in the deep end after a few weeks of knowing someone has bitten me and countless others in the past.

me- i get that but it sounds like im your backup plan until someone better comes along. sounds like you are trying to keep your options open which means you just want something casual.

him- oh no thats not the case. i havent been looking at all and if i wanted something casual i would have had it with someone already!

 

 

He stated THREE times that he wants to take down his profile and at least TWICE that he is interested in you and seeing where things go.

 

Your response is to declare him non-committal and that you will remain open to dating other guys!

 

Way to self-sabotage, OP.

[clia]

Mrin-I'm insecure because of his long response! No insecurity beforehand!

 

Anyway I guess only 2 of you saw what I saw. He's still calling and texting. If he wants to make plans with me, I'll still go since I enjoy his company. In any event, If I meet or see online any guy who catches my interest, I will go out with them too since he isn't there yet with commitment and that's fine. Just would have appreciated a more straight answer instead of the "Not seeing anyone else right now" talk that Cookie said because I think that was to throw me a bone and feed my ego at the moment. That being said, the guy even took my card, put it above his fireplace and sent me a picture of it. It's nice but I bet if ever I go over again, it will be gone. I think it was more meant to spare me any hurt feelings. My feelings aren't hurt from him, I just was surprised that he wasn't on the same page as me.

 

Given that you are now reversing course, it is only fair that you tell him you have decided to keep your profile up and plan to date others.

[CaliforniaGirl]

As a woman...

 

(Not that that should make a difference. Why did I feel the need to say that? Oh well.)

 

...I had a guy on OLD once tell me that if I couldn't commit to an agreement not to see one another exclusively and take down my profile should we "get along really well," then he refused to take me on a second date.

 

I agreed. To not having the second date. Because...PSYCHO.

 

I had another guy who wouldn't even go on ONE date with me (after begging to) because upon further vetting of my habits, he discovered that I had a date with another man for the following week.

 

I moved along happily.

 

People who demand very quick "we're AN ITEM" stuff scream insecurity and possessiveness to me. If a man handed me a card asking me in writing to be exclusive after 14 days I'd inch away looking left and right for the nearest exit.

 

This guy didn't even worry THAT much...instead he TRIED to roll with the punches, get a handle on this giant proclamation, probably messed up on what he meant to say in the shocked nature behind his babbled response and was proclaimed, basically, a lying commitmentphobe player.

 

If this guy is around for their 10th date or whatever I'll be shocked.

 

But IF he is...OP, RELAX. DON'T go further to sabotage this. Think of how you're appearing to this guy...rushing to get him into a commitment after two weeks (a proclaimed, definitive one), jumping on him, accusing him of just using you as an in-the-meantime, more or less...but HE'S STILL around? If he really is still around and he does ask you out again just thank your lucky stars and think the next time! Go sllllllllower. I don't care how "into you" a guy is supposed to prove himself to be, and in what way...slow the heck down. Let him breathe. Let things happen naturally. They were happening naturally...and it was great and he couldn't get enough of you. Then you halted that beautiful, natural progression in its tracks and so far he hasn't asked you out again. See how that works? Slow down...and let this guy make his own decisions...don't push him or snap at him this early in the game. This IS when it's all too easy to just ghost and be gone.

 

JMO.

[hercules22]

damn 9 dates in 2 weeks

[hwerfcihrewihc]

It's funny how you acknowledge that only 2 people saw what you see and the rest thing you read things that weren't there, yet you are focused on only the people that agree with you.

 

You are also having a lot of worry over bad things that haven't happened that you suddenly assume are going to, and are assuming a negative motivation to everything he does.

 

In all fairness this is why conversations like this should never happen over text. Too much context is lost.

 

I think you need to talk to him in person about this, but try to keep an open and positive mind. Because if you want to twist everything he says into a negative that is really easy, and you are doing that right now.

 

Oh please... Nearly every response on here is geared towards you all high fiving each other and using every insult in the book you can call me. There were other posters on here other than Cookie who saw exactly what I did but only now are you even commenting on someone other than me. Pot, kettle, black? I was more interested in (for my sanity) knowing that some people do get what I am saying.

 

I have never been called (so many times!) self destructive, insecure, selfish, a bitch, unrealistic etc. in relation to dating.

 

In any case, lets address 9 dates instead of 2 weeks. If it had been 9 dates in maybe at the 2 month park at 9 dates (maybe 10), wouldn't you know if you found someone you wanted to commit to without saying the slowing down thing ? There is a time you say you want to take things slow, the first date! If you are the take things slow type, the time you say that is on the first date when you have the what are you looking for in a relationship right now talk. I thought that was the norm because that seemed to be common with guys I have dated. Taking it slow isn't bad however it doesn't seem to be something that should be said after 9 dates. Again many of you are just thinking of the 2 week thing and not paying attention to the 9 dates other than saying that he and I must have no lives (again I know many of you are keyboard warriors!). Had I not mentioned 2 weeks and just said 9 dates, I think the responses on here would change. For instance if someone on here said that they were seeing someone for 3 months, you don't actually know how much "face time" they got with each other! They could say they have been seeing someone for 3 months but the reality may be, they may have only seen the other person maybe 12 times. I would never have thought of having the let's get more serious with each other talk 2 weeks into seeing someone because typically at 2 weeks, you may have only seen someone 2-4x and of course it's too early. 9 dates to me is not too soon to know. If I were to have asked on here a general question (not talking about this guy at all) of "How many dates do you think is typical to discuss getting serious with each other or not talk?"I would most likely get the "When you know you know" or "When it feels right" cliched responses.

[hwerfcihrewihc]

As a woman...

 

(Not that that should make a difference. Why did I feel the need to say that? Oh well.)

 

...I had a guy on OLD once tell me that if I couldn't commit to an agreement not to see one another exclusively and take down my profile should we "get along really well," then he refused to take me on a second date.

 

I agreed. To not having the second date. Because...PSYCHO.

 

I had another guy who wouldn't even go on ONE date with me (after begging to) because upon further vetting of my habits, he discovered that I had a date with another man for the following week.

 

I moved along happily.

 

People who demand very quick "we're AN ITEM" stuff scream insecurity and possessiveness to me. If a man handed me a card asking me in writing to be exclusive after 14 days I'd inch away looking left and right for the nearest exit.

 

This guy didn't even worry THAT much...instead he TRIED to roll with the punches, get a handle on this giant proclamation, probably messed up on what he meant to say in the shocked nature behind his babbled response and was proclaimed, basically, a lying commitmentphobe player.

 

If this guy is around for their 10th date or whatever I'll be shocked.

 

But IF he is...OP, RELAX. DON'T go further to sabotage this. Think of how you're appearing to this guy...rushing to get him into a commitment after two weeks (a proclaimed, definitive one), jumping on him, accusing him of just using you as an in-the-meantime, more or less...but HE'S STILL around? If he really is still around and he does ask you out again just thank your lucky stars and think the next time! Go sllllllllower. I don't care how "into you" a guy is supposed to prove himself to be, and in what way...slow the heck down. Let him breathe. Let things happen naturally. They were happening naturally...and it was great and he couldn't get enough of you. Then you halted that beautiful, natural progression in its tracks and so far he hasn't asked you out again. See how that works? Slow down...and let this guy make his own decisions...don't push him or snap at him this early in the game. This IS when it's all too easy to just ghost and be gone.

 

JMO.

 

Compare apples to apples here. 1 date isn't 9 dates.... I have never said to a guy like at 1 or 2 or 8(!!) dates that we need to remove profiles. I think you guys want to make me out to be a psychopath or something.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Compare apples to apples here. 1 date isn't 9 dates.... I have never said to a guy like at 1 or 2 or 8(!!) dates that we need to remove profiles. I think you guys want to make me out to be a psychopath or something.

 

No. I don't think you're a psychopath.

 

Look, you can take the advice or leave it. If you feel you're right, then for you, you're right. This is your style and how you roll. You will have to find a guy who is on the same page as you in these various ways, and that's that.

 

Hope you find what you're looking for.

[introverted1]

OP, why did you post here for opinions when the only opinions you are willing to consider are the ones that support your narrative?

 

Here's the thing -- your attitude is showing loud and clear here. And if you also show it with this guy, odds are he's going to split. That's why several of us have referred to your behavior as sabotaging: if he was sincere about wanting to be exclusive with you and seeing where the relationship would go, that will quickly erode as you reveal to him the defensiveness and insecurity you've shown here.

 

Bottom line: without a change in your approach, you are almost guaranteed to achieve the outcome you say you don't want.

[hwerfcihrewihc]

OP, why did you post here for opinions when the only opinions you are willing to consider are the ones that support your narrative?

 

Here's the thing -- your attitude is showing loud and clear here. And if you also show it with this guy, odds are he's going to split. That's why several of us have referred to your behavior as sabotaging: if he was sincere about wanting to be exclusive with you and seeing where the relationship would go, that will quickly erode as you reveal to him the defensiveness and insecurity you've shown here.

 

Bottom line: without a change in your approach, you are almost guaranteed to achieve the outcome you say you don't want.

 

Because those will understand where I'm coming from.

 

It's very easy to be a keyboard warrior and insult others on the internet.

[Miss Spider]

I don't think they're intentionally trying to insult you. I think they genuinely are optimistic this will work out if you go along with the casual thing with a positive outlook for awhile. Give it 2 months they said. That's not too long. I suggest you maybe do a google search with site:loveshack.org and keywords like "he's not ready" " he wants to go slow" "doesn't want to jump" and see how it went and the advice given here. But maybe you should go with the consensus. The loveshack public has spoken! And even if it doesn't work out, you learn.. Come back and follow up if you can. I sincerely hope it works out for you both.

[introverted1]

Because those will understand where I'm coming from.

 

It's very easy to be a keyboard warrior and insult others on the internet.

 

My observation is that most people here are not keyboard warriors. Sometimes you may get some tough love, but generally, the group consensus is accurate.

 

Good luck.

[VeveCakes]

The thing is 2 weeks and 9 dates is not the same as 9 dates over several months. Over time you still communicate daily, meet friends and family, deal with stresses of life, scheduling etc. Problems arise and the new shine while still new is not as shiny.

 

So no, we aren't going to ignore the 2 weeks.

 

Sorry you are hurt OP by our responses but generally LS is right. Self sabotage is a real thing and you are deep into at this moment. You need to step outside the situation, analyze your actions and his, and see how cold you are to him while expecting him to lock you down as a gf after 2 weeks.

[Redhead14]

I don't think they're intentionally trying to insult you. I think they genuinely are optimistic this will work out if you go along with the casual thing with a positive outlook for awhile. Give it 2 months they said. That's not too long. I suggest you maybe do a google search with site:loveshack.org and keywords like "he's not ready" " he wants to go slow" "doesn't want to jump" and see how it went and the advice given here. But maybe you should go with the consensus. The loveshack public has spoken! And even if it doesn't work out, you learn.. Come back and follow up if you can. I sincerely hope it works out for you both.

 

OP, you are embracing one or two posts that seem to support your attitude/theory/feeling BUT you've gotten a ton of other posts that tell you to chill a bit. That is like going to 10 doctors until you get the one who gives you the diagnosis you want -- not the right one. Relax. Give it a little more time. Set a time limit for yourself, whatever you can tolerate, and observe whether he "up's" things. It's too soon.

 

IMO, every new relationship goes through a little period of "FWB". Both parties are evaluating and adding new aspects to the evaluation process for a relationship.

 

You, yourself, may find that he says/does something that puts you off and you decide to move on.

 

Dating is a process -- not an event. Cut him and yourself some slack.

[hwerfcihrewihc]

The thing is 2 weeks and 9 dates is not the same as 9 dates over several months. Over time you still communicate daily, meet friends and family, deal with stresses of life, scheduling etc. Problems arise and the new shine while still new is not as shiny.

 

So no, we aren't going to ignore the 2 weeks.

 

Sorry you are hurt OP by our responses but generally LS is right. Self sabotage is a real thing and you are deep into at this moment. You need to step outside the situation, analyze your actions and his, and see how cold you are to him while expecting him to lock you down as a gf after 2 weeks.

 

9 dates over several months isn't a relationship lol.

[hwerfcihrewihc]

OP, you are embracing one or two posts that seem to support your attitude/theory/feeling BUT you've gotten a ton of other posts that tell you to chill a bit. That is like going to 10 doctors until you get the one who gives you the diagnosis you want -- not the right one. Relax. Give it a little more time. Set a time limit for yourself, whatever you can tolerate, and observe whether he "up's" things. It's too soon.

 

IMO, every new relationship goes through a little period of "FWB". Both parties are evaluating and adding new aspects to the evaluation process for a relationship.

 

You, yourself, may find that he says/does something that puts you off and you decide to move on.

 

Dating is a process -- not an event. Cut him and yourself some slack.

 

I've never had a LTR start out as a FWB. I don't believe in casual sex.

[hwerfcihrewihc]

9 dates over several months isn't a relationship lol.

 

Sorry clicked send to soon.

I would not want to see someone who just went out with me 9x in a 2 month period. I guess I've gone out with guys who were crazy about me and actually would like to see me more than once in a blue moon. I don't really think you can get to know someone with the occasional phone call/text/email but that's just me I guess. And again (because I know it's coming!), every guy I've been with has been employed and wasn't a loser. I'm a believer in that when you really like someone you will ALWAYS find time for them.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Sorry clicked send to soon.

I would not want to see someone who just went out with me 9x in a 2 month period. I guess I've gone out with guys who were crazy about me and actually would like to see me more than once in a blue moon. I don't really think you can get to know someone with the occasional phone call/text/email but that's just me I guess. And again (because I know it's coming!), every guy I've been with has been employed and wasn't a loser. I'm a believer in that when you really like someone you will ALWAYS find time for them.

 

That's twice a week. Why would that be "not a relationship"?

 

When I was working full time, twice a week was pretty much my maximum. Sure we spoke daily, but as for actually having a date and carving out the whole night and all that...well, I had dishes, laundry, housecleaning, family, writing, hobbies and friends to juggle in addition to my guy. There are only so many hours in a day and days in a week.

 

Absolutely twice a week of actual dates for two months can be a relationship. And at that point you're talking sustainability. Anybody can put on one's best "dating personality" for two weeks even if that means nine times. Over actual time that gets harder, the layers get peeled away and you start to really get to know one another.

[Redhead14]

I've never had a LTR start out as a FWB. I don't believe in casual sex.

 

You just didn't realize/accept it . . . until the point where a couple declares or clearly demonstrates that its not casual sex -- it's casual sex. By the way, have you been intimate with him?

[CaliforniaGirl]

I've never had a LTR start out as a FWB. I don't believe in casual sex.

 

Look...be realistic...if you had sex with him after a week or so then it is, so far, casual sex. You may not believe in it but you just did it.

 

Or are you saying you are in love with this man and he is in love with you?

[hwerfcihrewihc]

You just didn't realize/accept it . . . until the point where a couple declares or clearly demonstrates that its not casual sex -- it's casual sex. By the way, have you been intimate with him?

 

I don't have sex until we have established where we both are in a relationship. With this guy for instance (he is still texting and calling) it just seems like he isn't sold on me yet (someone here said that and I could see that). We have not had sex yet I won't until I know we are actually together.

[hwerfcihrewihc]

I don't mean to come off as bitchy (sorry if that sounds like it...) but I think I just have values that are different from people on here.... I believe in courtship and don't have sex until I know we are emotionally together and have made our relationship standing clear. I'm also someone who would never move in with someone until we are married. I'm not religious at all but the traditional approach is just one that I like and am comfortable with.

 

Sex is just something I don't take too lightly. Power to people who are ready to do it anytime, anywhere. I'm comfortable with my body but I'm not going to share it just with any guy I get a "vibe" from. I've had 3 boyfriends who liked me enough to where they waited until we were really together.

 

I guess most people on here typically just go out with the same person 1-2x a week. In the beginning that's perfect for me too, but in something like a 2 or 3 (or more lol) period with just some phone calls or texts here and there, isn't really getting to know someone. Being actually together in person is getting to know someone, not just a phone call and the occasional date.

[Redhead14]

I don't have sex until we have established where we both are in a relationship. With this guy for instance (he is still texting and calling) it just seems like he isn't sold on me yet (someone here said that and I could see that). We have not had sex yet I won't until I know we are actually together.

 

So what are you so "up in arms" about? He's not "using" you for sex. He's taking it slow physically and showing you quickly that he's interested in you!!!! OMG. You've got what most women want early in the relationship at least.

 

This is one thread where I'm glad I'm not a man . . . I can't tell you how many times I've been embarrassed by the attitude/approach that some women take.

 

I gotta tap out.