I cannot tell if he gave me double talk or not...

February 16, 2017

I think what he says is just reasonable. What he is literally saying, is that he sees potential and wants to see where it goes, but he thinks it's too early to call it a relationship. Don't read anything extra into it.

February 16, 2017

I'm reordering your points:

1. but if someone better comes along, I'm out of the picture -- That could happen no matter how long you've been dating someone and you might be the one who finds someone better. After only seeing someone for a couple of weeks, no matter how many times you've gone out with them, you just don't know each other well enough.

3. He may very well be interested in seeking a relationship for himself -- he just doesn't know for sure it will be with you. there is just stuff people pick up over time. -- He's right. You both really like each other "right now", but it's true, that over time, things come to light that may turn him "off" and vice versa.

2. The only thing that seeing each other often in 2 weeks means is is that he really likes you . . . it doesn't mean he's decided to "commit" to you as the boyfriend. However, taking down his profile does show that he's not thinking about looking for anyone from OLD for now. He's decided to focus on you for further evaluation. At this point, that is all you can and should be hoping for/expecting.

I don't think I worded this well With 1, yes I know that's possible with anyone. What I meant is, he's doing the "Yeah she's good for now, but I'm still going to see what's out there just in case". That's really guys shopping around. He may possibly be on other sites and is just removing himself off the one we met on. With 3 (2?), the over time thing to me was confusing too. I interpreted him as meaning that over the years in his relationships he learned that _______________.

February 16, 2017

But if this is what people see, and they don't appreciate someone making an intellectual decision about whether to be together, rather than a purely infatuation/emotionally based one, it's no wonder I find dating to be idiotic.

February 16, 2017

I think what he says is just reasonable. What he is literally saying, is that he sees potential and wants to see where it goes, but he thinks it's too early to call it a relationship. Don't read anything extra into it.

I guess that's the way I should view what he said. If he worded it like that, I wouldn't have been so confused. In any case, I feel like he may see a future but really isn't at the point of being committed (and that's fine). If he were to keep his profile up it really wouldn't bother me. I would only really be bothered if we were committed and he still had it up. Until we have had the we do not want to see anyone else talk and are in talk, I'm not going to take us seeing each other seriously. I just thought that's where we were at.

February 16, 2017

But if this is what people see, and they don't appreciate someone making an intellectual decision about whether to be together, rather than a purely infatuation/emotionally based one, it's no wonder I find dating to be idiotic.

Not everyone is as smart as you.

February 16, 2017

Lol! Ok I am with OP on this. If that isn't doublespeak I don't know what is. I was laughing as I read his texts. Dude starts out fine and then walks it all back and sows doubt. Then man needs to learn the power of the period! Honestly I thought it might be a joke when reading his texts.

That being said - you are coming across as insecure and/or aloof. Balls in your court... stuff like that. Reciprocate if you want it to go anywhere.

February 16, 2017

Not everyone is as smart as you.

We all do things differently; different strokes for different folks and all that. Maybe you are then not meant for each other. Good luck in any case.

February 16, 2017

I think you are the only one here who gets what I am saying.

I am now wary. I still like him and have fun with him and will continue to see him and see where it goes, but I am starting to think a real commitment from him in the future where then he seems to want to step it up could never happen (yeah I know that doesn't happen with most guys, but until the other day, I thought we were on the same page).

But yeah to me, the time for taking it slow should be said really on the first date "I like to take things slow" is a good answer to "What are you looking for?" To me, it's then not the best time to say that after 9 dates.

In any case, like some people here just mentioned, the large number of dates in a short amount of time definitely threw me off. Had we only seen each other once or twice a week, I never would have brought any of this up. I never had with any guy. I guess to me the number of dates is more important to the number of weeks. I mean I think the average person sees someone in the beginning 1-2x a week and would say "We have been seeing each other for 1 months (just an example)" versus saying we went out 5x so far which in that case, is way too early to most likely become exclusive and on the same page (if seeing each other 1-2x a week, i Would figure at the 2 month mark would be the time to see if commitment is going to happen or not. I feel given the number of dates we did sort of expedite things.
What's EU???

I get what you're saying (and feeling) because I have experienced first-hand, and actually, almost word-for-word what this guy has said to you.

I get what you are saying because I have been on this site and many other dating sites for years and see how this plays out. It's almost a script with a couple alternate endings. None of them too happy.

I dont really understand anything you said but in my experience any long answer to a simple question usually isnt good.

Made me laugh. Because it's true and you were pretty blunt (More blunt than I could be, at least) with not hearing the excuses.

Men are perfectly capable of commitment. They have no problems with it when they have feelings that compel them. The excuses that are often made for them such as "commitmentphobe" "need to be sure" are really just exist to make the other party feel better. They aren't afraid of commitment. They're afraid of being committed to someone they don't want to be stuck with. I think it's interesting how men so often use this "I'm not seeing anyone else[right now]" They're playing on a woman's ego thinking that's all she wants. No.

You were not asking him for marriage, or even just to take down his profile. You were asking to move forward and be together. Not unreasonable. He knew this and he freaked and gave you the run-around. The timeline you had is very rushed (not even sure how you managed that). 2 weeks sounds short but 9 dates within that is more than enough time to decide if he wants to pursue a relationship with you and not be skittish about it if he's looking for that. Again, a relationship doesn't mean you're stuck with each other for life. In a relationship, you still learn about each other, things come to light. But you are committed. You do have to put work in. You don't fade. You feel guilty for flirting with others when you're out. etc.

I don't think this guy is intentionally trying to play you. He's just keeping his options open. He definitely likes you as he says, but he's not sold on you. He won't see others but he's not committing to that not changing. In my experience, if a man is not sold after a handful of dates, it's rare that his feelings will get stronger. If you can handle seeing him, do so, but I suggest pulling way back with your feelings. Don't be cold, but don't make him a priority. Do what you want to do. He's definitely said he's doing him. Definitely don't close your options until you find someone willing to give you what you want. You thought you were on the same page with the connection, but now seems not. If he gets there, great. If not, you won't be so hurt.

Emotionally unavailable (EU) is a blanket term that refers to people who can't or don't want to make a connection or develop feelings of attachment to someone (more rarely, anyone) they date.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

February 16, 2017

Mrin-I'm insecure because of his long response! No insecurity beforehand!

Anyway I guess only 2 of you saw what I saw. He's still calling and texting. If he wants to make plans with me, I'll still go since I enjoy his company. In any event, If I meet or see online any guy who catches my interest, I will go out with them too since he isn't there yet with commitment and that's fine. Just would have appreciated a more straight answer instead of the "Not seeing anyone else right now" talk that Cookie said because I think that was to throw me a bone and feed my ego at the moment. That being said, the guy even took my card, put it above his fireplace and sent me a picture of it. It's nice but I bet if ever I go over again, it will be gone. I think it was more meant to spare me any hurt feelings. My feelings aren't hurt from him, I just was surprised that he wasn't on the same page as me.

February 16, 2017

OP you are self destructive in this.

February 16, 2017

It's funny how you acknowledge that only 2 people saw what you see and the rest thing you read things that weren't there, yet you are focused on only the people that agree with you.

You are also having a lot of worry over bad things that haven't happened that you suddenly assume are going to, and are assuming a negative motivation to everything he does.

In all fairness this is why conversations like this should never happen over text. Too much context is lost.

I think you need to talk to him in person about this, but try to keep an open and positive mind. Because if you want to twist everything he says into a negative that is really easy, and you are doing that right now.

February 16, 2017

How is it negative for her to go out with him and have a good time but also take date offers from other men who might be ready to "jump in" like she is in lieu of a guy who is not ready yet? It's not being negative. It's being smart. The only alternative I can see is giving it a timeline. Like instead of 9 dates, 20 dates. Then check if he's ready. But she'll be much more "in" by then. He is the one who said in so many words he's not making any promises and he wants to take it slow. It's just giving him what he wants. They're going to have a fun date.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

February 16, 2017

Whoa! Ouch! He was perfectly reasonable, eager to take down his profile and you were defensive and then accusatory.

Don't be surprised if you notice a cooloff and slow fade.

Next time, don't jump down the guy's throat. You sound like you want to be love-bombed. When something more realistic and reasonable is said, you get angry. You might want to look into that.

February 16, 2017

How is it negative for her to go out with him and have a good time but also take date offers from other men who might be ready to "jump in" like she is in lieu of a guy who is not ready yet? It's not being negative. It's being smart. The only alternative I can see is giving it a timeline. Like instead of 9 dates, 20 dates. Then check if he's ready. But she'll be much more "in" by then. He is the one who said in so many words he's not making any promises and he wants to take it slow. It's just giving him what he wants. They're going to have a fun date.

She asked if they should be exclusive.

He said, yes we should be exclusive, and I am really enjoying dating you, but we should remember it's only been two weeks and take it slow.

She is taking this to mean, that he wants to see other people and she should see other people too.

Do you see the disconnect?

February 16, 2017

She wanted an exclusive relationship. Where did you see he agreed to that? He just said he is not seeing other people atm and he'll take his profile down. That's where the problem arose and why he needed to write so much to clarify and she had to make this post. There was no promise of exclusivity made and in my opinion neither one should have to take their profiles down until that agreement is reached.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

February 16, 2017

You are so guarded and you are putting your own meaning into what he said.

If this guy works many hours and managed his time to see you 9 times in 2 weeks, that would not leave any doubt in my mind what his intentions are. He is honestly interested!

February 16, 2017

Give it some time to digest what he said next time before you blurt out things like being his back up plan.

It just sounds insecure.

If you really, truly think that, then you should let a guy go and never mention those words.

Next time you should just let the man lead.

It will make you feel secure in exactly where he stands.

Let him ask about where it is going and all that.

Don't jump into bed with him until you know exactly where things are at.

February 16, 2017

She wanted an exclusive relationship. Where did you see he agreed to that? He just said he is not seeing other people atm and he'll take his profile down.

i think it would be good to take down profiles.

im certainly not interested in seeing other people.

im saying that i think it would be good to take down our profiles and i would like to continue seeing you and getting to know each other.

him- i havent been looking at all and if i wanted something casual i would have had it with someone already!

4 times in that one short text conversation he said he wants to take down the dating profiles and/or that he isn't interested in seeing other people.

That sounds exclusive. I don't think expecting any higher commitment level than that after 2 weeks (regardless of the # of dates), is reasonable.

February 16, 2017

There is a world of difference between "I'm not having seeing others" and I commit to an exclusive RELATIONSHIP/couple/together with you where I CANT have see others. The latter is most of what OP wanted when she wanted him to take his profile down. Sexual exclusivity is one thing, but she ultimately emotional exclusivity and the intent to progress(Correct me if I'm wrong, Op). People use this semantic loophole to their advantage too often. His "I like you, don't get me wrong!" is a bad sign, yes, even only 9 dates in. "Yeah. I'd like that" was all that was needed but his answer was alarming. What is he so afraid of? What is he talking about "jumping" into? I didn't see anything from OP that indicates she's ready to pack up and move in. I really don't understand, and neither does OP, and until that is cleared it's unwise for her to invest more emotionally. What he said sounds like typical BS to me. Heard it many times.

February 16, 2017

There is a world of difference between "I'm not having seeing others" and I commit to an exclusive RELATIONSHIP/couple/together with you where I CANT have see others. The latter is most of what OP wanted when she wanted him to take his profile down. Sexual exclusivity is one thing, but she ultimately emotional exclusivity and the intent to progress(Correct me if I'm wrong, Op). People use this semantic loophole to their advantage too often. His "I like you, don't get me wrong!" is a bad sign, yes, even only 9 dates in. "Yeah. I'd like that" was all that was needed but his answer was alarming. What is he so afraid of? What is he talking about "jumping" into? I didn't see anything from OP that indicates she's ready to pack up and move in. I really don't understand, and neither does OP, and until that is cleared it's unwise for her to invest more emotionally. What he said sounds like typical BS to me. Heard it many times.

Expecting an exclusive committed relationship at two weeks is just too soon for most people in the adult world of dating.

Forget counting dates - maybe at 9 dates in two months you can expect that.

Anyway, if OP sees his answer as taking a step back considering they have been seeing each other so much so fast, and she wants a man that walks the walk and talks the talk, then she should find a man that does that, and get rid of this guy.

If you're the kind of person to dive in, then I think you will be compatible with a man that is too.

February 16, 2017

She wanted an exclusive relationship. Where did you see he agreed to that? He just said he is not seeing other people atm and he'll take his profile down. That's where the problem arose and why he needed to write so much to clarify and she had to make this post. There was no promise of exclusivity made and in my opinion neither one should have to take their profiles down until that agreement is reached.

And after only two weeks this is reasonable.

He got scared by her asking for exclusivity so early. Even a guy who was wild about a woman would likely as not react this way. It depends upon the person, but as a woman I'd be a bit frightened at this immediate exclusivity promise even if I had initially thought the guy was amazing. After two weeks, even with nine dates you DO NOT know the person. You only know his/her best presented self.

February 16, 2017

I just don't get ignoring everything that he did say that was positive. And taking everything else and twisting it into something negative. I can't possibly see what you are seeing out of his words. I would be way too unjaded to date in 2017.

February 16, 2017

No one is expected to commit ever. People keep their options open as long as they feel it necessary to. It's not about how many days passed to me. If you only had 9 dates where you barely communicated that would be different, but I am of the belief a man only needs a few dates max to know if he wants a relationship with a certain woman if he knows he wants a one. He might not ask at the time. But the bottom line is OP is ahead of this guy by way of feelings and he's telling her as much. He's keeping his options open and so should she.

February 16, 2017

No one is expected to commit ever. People keep their options open as long as they feel it necessary to. It's not about how many days passed to me. If you only had 9 dates where you barely communicated that would be different, but I am of the belief a man only needs a few dates max to know if he wants a relationship with a certain woman if he knows he wants a one. He might not ask at the time. But the bottom line is OP is ahead of this guy by way of feelings and he's telling her as much. He's keeping his options open and so should she.

By that view then she should just toss him and not waste each other's time, don't you think?

February 16, 2017

I just don't get ignoring everything that he did say that was positive. And taking everything else and twisting it into something negative. I can't possibly see what you are seeing out of his words. I would be way too unjaded to date in 2017.

Hey, you think I didn't give men the benefit of the doubt the first 5 times I heard this? Even when I came here, I followed stories of guys saying this thing and still rooting for the OP. Hoping I just jumped ship too early. One time it did work out for Op and he agreed to be her BF a month later after telling her to go slow. I felt relieved until OP came back in 5 months saying they had broken up after he admitted he never felt a spark with her but tried.

Olivetree, yes I do think so. But op will do what she feels is right. Sorry. I'm done. I know it sounds like I'm dripping poison in OP's ear, but I am just sharing what I've learned to prevent others from having to learn that way. Just follow your gut, OP.

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I cannot tell if he gave me double talk or not...

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