I cannot tell if he gave me double talk or not...

February 15, 2017

It' been months since i posted here but here it goes. I'm 32 and he's 38. I've been in 3 long term relationships so it isn't like I'm completely clueless. I met a guy on Match.com and I thought we really hit it off. Since our first date he has called or texted me daily. We have only seen each other for slightly over 2 weeks however, we have had 9 dates within that period (all except for like 2 that he asked me out again)! I have never seen someone that much in a short period. Usually when I first meet someone it's maybe 1-2x a week. I took that as a sign that he really liked me. It probably doesn't make a difference but most of our dates lasted hours to almost like a full day.

Anyway we went out last night on Valentine's Day. On like date #5 he already told me that he made a reservation for us. Again I took that as a sign that it got serious quickly.

We gave each other little gifts (nothing over the top). When he dropped me off back home, I gave him his card. I didn't want him reading it during

dinner in the event he didn't like it (would make for an awkward dinner!). I wrote that I have enjoyed spending time with him, and that the more I see him, the more I grow to like him and that I'm ready to delete my profile if he is.

He texted me (he's more into texting than I am...would have preferred a phone call but I guess this is the time we live in) and this was our conversation (I typed this fast so forgive my typos):

him-thank you for the great card. i agree that we are good for each other. i haven't been talking with any other girls or logged on for a while

me- the ball is in your court...

him-i think it would be good to take down profiles. i am probably more cautiously optimistic. please don't get me wrong. i've enjoyed everything we have done together very much!! and while i have no reason to think anything would change i have to remind myself that we have only known each other for a short amount of time.

me- got it

him- while everything is super awesome so far and i think both of us are being completely honest and not phony at all, there is just stuff people pick up over time. not a long time or anything, just more than a few weeks. but that doesn't mean match can't lose our profiles lol. im certainly not interested in seeing other people. are we good?

me= i dont really understand anything you said but in my experience any long answer to a simple question usually isnt good.

him- =( im saying that i think it would be good to take down our profiles and i would like to continue seeing you and getting to know each other. so far everything has been awesome but jumping in the deep end after a few weeks of knowing someone has bitten me and countless others in the past.

me- i get that but it sounds like im your backup plan until someone better comes along. sounds like you are trying to keep your options open which means you just want something casual.

him- oh no thats not the case. i havent been looking at all and if i wanted something casual i would have had it with someone already!

I don't see this guy being a player at all. He works 50 hours a week and I don't see how he could juggle me and other women given as many times as we have seen each other. I know it has to be one of these things and could use input...

1. He likes me and still wants to see me and will delete his profile but if someone better comes along, I'm out of the picture

2. He likes me but wants to take it slow but shouldn't have asked me out as much as he did (making me believe he was serious)

3. Just isn't serious about wanting a relationship (despite him telling me that he does).

February 15, 2017

I kind of think that you are reading too much into it...

I don't think he could juggle 2 girls with in the last two weeks while you two are going out 9 times.

I think he sound cautious but very interested...

February 15, 2017

I think he's cautious but interested. Keeping the profile up is a safety net for him. Leave it alone. Revisit the issue next month but before you have sex (if exclusivity is important to you before sex)

Otherwise let him have his safety next but keep enjoying dating him.

February 15, 2017

He likes you -- and he is not stupid or emotionally unintelligent; so, he knows and understands that nobody can actually make any level of genuine commitment for a long-term romance after only two weeks and a handful of dates.

All he's saying is that you two BOTH need to get to know each other a whole lot better -- and he is willing to commit to doing that (getting to know you better) without also seeing anybody else or 'keeping his options open' during this period. WITHOUT also keeping his 'options open'.

February 15, 2017

I'm speechless, but here goes--

First, nine long dates (each hours to a day long) in fourteen days!!! Wow! That's not sustainable. At some point, reality sets in and the pace will of necessity need to be more sane.

Okay, now for the email exchange:

I completely agree with him! Despite the insane pace of your dating, he seems realistic about where you ought to be two weeks in. As he stated, you barely know each other!! Things look great now, but only time will tell if that indeed turns out to be the case.

You on the other hand seem completely unrealistic. You expect him to promise you a certain end result and keep pushing him to reassure you that this will indeed turn into something, when no one in their right mind could guarantee such a thing at this stage. Please back off on the demands for reassurance and let the relationship develop naturally.

This guy sounds sincere. He also seems to have both feet realistically on the ground. Yes, the best anyone can be is cautiously optimistic two weeks after meeting a stranger. Anything else would be complete fantasy.

How have you had such long dates almost every day since you met? How did that come about? Who suggested all those dates? Do you work?

February 15, 2017

I think he's cautious but interested. Keeping the profile up is a safety net for him. Leave it alone. Revisit the issue next month but before you have sex (if exclusivity is important to you before sex)

Otherwise let him have his safety next but keep enjoying dating him.

To be clear, he said he was taking his profile down and had no interest in seeing anyone else! Match doesn't destroy your profile when you take it down. You can always just reactivate it if things don't work out. That's how most if not all OLD sites work! As he said, while someone may seem "super awesome" there are certain things that only come to the surface with time.

Truer words could not have been spoken. The guy has a good head on his shoulders. For the OP to expect more than that is unrealistic.

him-i think it would be good to take down profiles. i am probably more cautiously optimistic. please don't get me wrong. i've enjoyed everything we have done together very much!! and while i have no reason to think anything would change i have to remind myself that we have only known each other for a short amount of time.
me- got it
him- while everything is super awesome so far and i think both of us are being completely honest and not phony at all, there is just stuff people pick up over time. not a long time or anything, just more than a few weeks. but that doesn't mean match can't lose our profiles lol. im certainly not interested in seeing other people. are we good?

Edited February 15, 2017 by angel.eyes

February 15, 2017

me= i dont really understand anything you said but in my experience any long answer to a simple question usually isnt good.
him- =( im saying that i think it would be good to take down our profiles and i would like to continue seeing you and getting to know each other. so far everything has been awesome but jumping in the deep end after a few weeks of knowing someone has bitten me and countless others in the past.
me- i get that but it sounds like im your backup plan until someone better comes along. sounds like you are trying to keep your options open which means you just want something casual.
him- oh no thats not the case. i havent been looking at all and if i wanted something casual i would have had it with someone already!

In bold.

Why did you hit him on the head with that? That was uncalled for. He had just told you he is willing to take his profile down and concentrate on you only. He only opened parentheses to mention he still wants to do thing step by step and exclusivity doesn't mean you are jumping both feet right in. This guy is a smart cookie with a good head.

Relax. Don't be so much on the defensive.

Last advice, slow down on the dates. How did you get your laundry done with 9 dates in 2 weeks.

February 15, 2017

It' been months since i posted here but here it goes. I'm 32 and he's 38. I've been in 3 long term relationships so it isn't like I'm completely clueless. I met a guy on Match.com and I thought we really hit it off. Since our first date he has called or texted me daily. We have only seen each other for slightly over 2 weeks however, we have had 9 dates within that period (all except for like 2 that he asked me out again)! I have never seen someone that much in a short period. Usually when I first meet someone it's maybe 1-2x a week. I took that as a sign that he really liked me. It probably doesn't make a difference but most of our dates lasted hours to almost like a full day.

Anyway we went out last night on Valentine's Day. On like date #5 he already told me that he made a reservation for us. Again I took that as a sign that it got serious quickly.

We gave each other little gifts (nothing over the top). When he dropped me off back home, I gave him his card. I didn't want him reading it during
dinner in the event he didn't like it (would make for an awkward dinner!). I wrote that I have enjoyed spending time with him, and that the more I see him, the more I grow to like him and that I'm ready to delete my profile if he is.

He texted me (he's more into texting than I am...would have preferred a phone call but I guess this is the time we live in) and this was our conversation (I typed this fast so forgive my typos):

him-thank you for the great card. i agree that we are good for each other. i haven't been talking with any other girls or logged on for a while
me- the ball is in your court...
him-i think it would be good to take down profiles. i am probably more cautiously optimistic. please don't get me wrong. i've enjoyed everything we have done together very much!! and while i have no reason to think anything would change i have to remind myself that we have only known each other for a short amount of time.
me- got it
him- while everything is super awesome so far and i think both of us are being completely honest and not phony at all, there is just stuff people pick up over time. not a long time or anything, just more than a few weeks. but that doesn't mean match can't lose our profiles lol. im certainly not interested in seeing other people. are we good?
me= i dont really understand anything you said but in my experience any long answer to a simple question usually isnt good.
him- =( im saying that i think it would be good to take down our profiles and i would like to continue seeing you and getting to know each other. so far everything has been awesome but jumping in the deep end after a few weeks of knowing someone has bitten me and countless others in the past.
me- i get that but it sounds like im your backup plan until someone better comes along. sounds like you are trying to keep your options open which means you just want something casual.
him- oh no thats not the case. i havent been looking at all and if i wanted something casual i would have had it with someone already!

I don't see this guy being a player at all. He works 50 hours a week and I don't see how he could juggle me and other women given as many times as we have seen each other. I know it has to be one of these things and could use input...

1. He likes me and still wants to see me and will delete his profile but if someone better comes along, I'm out of the picture
2. He likes me but wants to take it slow but shouldn't have asked me out as much as he did (making me believe he was serious)
3. Just isn't serious about wanting a relationship (despite him telling me that he does).

Jeeze Louise. If that isn't insecurity on your part reeking through OP, then I don't know what is.

I can only imagine what you will be like in 6 months (assuming you stay together) if he hasn't proposed to you by then. Will you be saying that he is using you as a backup plan just because he hasn't decided yet whether he wants to spend the rest of his life w you by then.

Anyway, 1. This guy, and others on here, are right--you have only been together for 2 weeks, and moreover, 9 dates in 2 weeks is an unsustainable pace. 2. I'd prepare yourself for the possibility that this text exchange might get this guy to pull back a bit or reconsider your relationship completely and call it off.

Edited February 15, 2017 by Imajerk17

February 15, 2017

You are way too insecure. He gave the answer you wanted, yet you still seemed very unexcited and uninterested.

Reciprocate a little. He even said it several different ways to make sure he was clear. What more do you want?

February 15, 2017

Dont either one of you work? How do you spend that much time with each other in 2 weeks?

Stop with the insecurity or you will likely blow it with this guy. Let the relationshp develop, its what he wants to do, its the smart thing to do.

February 15, 2017

Listen to your gut. He's not ready to commit. It's funny how when people are really into someone they don't mind "jumping in" at all. In fact, they can't "jump in" soon enough. He's not sold and in the meantime he's keeping his options open. He'll take his profile down, but he's still keeping one foot out the door. I don't think it's a good idea to take you profile down for a guy who is keeping his options open. No, what you'd be agreeing to there is exclusivity without the commitment. That's a great deal for them, not so good for you. If you want a relationship you keep your options open (and your profile up) and date until you find a person is willing to give it to you. It might or might not be him.

Edited February 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

February 15, 2017

Reading that convo!! if i was talking to a woman and she was super cold not Reciprocating a little i'd be gone.

Chill for a bit, this guy is clearly showing interested and wants to take it slow you don't need to interrogate him.

February 15, 2017

I (female btw) agree with the others... the guy was just trying to say that while you two don't know each other all that well, he's into you and he's into exclusively dating you. You read WAY too much into it and were kinda bitchy to him (the short little responses and accusing him of stuff that he really wasn't saying at all). I think you should just apologize - say that you misinterpreted what he was saying, sorry about that. Then CHILL a bit

1. He likes me and still wants to see me and will delete his profile but if someone better comes along, I'm out of the picture

2. He likes me but wants to take it slow but shouldn't have asked me out as much as he did (making me believe he was serious)

3. Just isn't serious about wanting a relationship (despite him telling me that he does).

The bold one is correct IMO.

February 15, 2017

I don't see any double talk. He said very clearly that he doesn't want to and isn't seeing anyone else. But he also said that you guys need to remember to take it slow. It seems pretty reasonable after 2 weeks.

February 16, 2017

Didn't expect to be told that I'm unrealistic, immature, and insecure....

Anyway... Some of you asked questions that I had actually answered in my post but I will say it again.

1. He asked me out all of the time except for like 2 dates. In fact on our like 4th or 5th date, he told me he made reservations for us on Valentine's Day and he made weekend plans with me Saturday and Sunday. I was surprised that he so early on made a Valentine's date for us since at that point, it just seemed too early. That and the fact that he has called and texted me daily since our first date made me believe that he was serious about me.

2. We both have full time jobs and no kids. Most of the time when we have gone on dates they have been to a nice restaurant for dinner and drinks. He would pick me up usually at 6:30 and I would usually be home by 10:30.

3. I have a life. I go to work, take my dog on hiking trails, go to the gym, bike ride, and run errands.

Going out 9x within slightly over a 2 week period isn't taking it slow. In my experience, that typically is like seeing each other maybe 1-2x a week. The fact that now he mentions taking things slow does make me think that while he may like me and spending time with me, he's trying to see what else is out there...

Before I came to post this topic, it seems to be that the typical time people become exclusive is around the 6th or 7th date (I actually searched this...)

February 16, 2017

Listen to your gut. He's not ready to commit. It's funny how when people are really into someone they don't mind "jumping in" at all. In fact, they can't "jump in" soon enough. He's not sold and in the meantime he's keeping his options open. He'll take his profile down, but he's still keeping one foot out the door. I don't think it's a good idea to take you profile down for a guy who is keeping his options open. No, what you'd be agreeing to there is exclusivity without the commitment. That's a great deal for them, not so good for you. If you want a relationship you keep your options open (and your profile up) and date until you find a person is willing to give it to you. It might or might not be him.

You just worded well what I'm feeling. He did jump in, but now wants to sort of lift himself out.

February 16, 2017

In any case, I have an update (sort of).

He texted me a bit more and after reading over all his texts from last night I just said that we can keep things as is, to forget what I wrote in his card, and that he can decide what he wants to do with his profile or not. At this point yes I would like to continue seeing him but until he is ready for a relationship with me, I will keep the door open for other guys as well. I would NEVER have tried to get the serious talk with him if we had only see each other a few times. Again 9x is over the average of the norm to have the exclusive talk.

We spoke a bit today and he took a picture of where he put the card I made for him (in his living room above his fireplace). No mention of making plans with me yet but I'm leaving that up to him.

February 16, 2017

Sadly I think because the # of meetings was accelerated 9 in 2 weeks, you mistakenly thought the emotional commitment was accelerated too. I still don't see him as pulling back. I think the profile is a safety net. He's not using it but is comforted by it's existence.

Stop talking about the status of your relationship. Seriously. All this talk two weeks in is killing it. Just go with the flow a little longer & enjoy each other's company. That is what he is seeking when he said let's forget what was in your card.

It's not that he doesn't want to get there. It's just that he doesn't want to get there right this very second. Slow down. If you do, this will work. If you push, you will push him right out the door.

I'm not saying sit on your hands & feelings forever but maybe just 'til Easter.

February 16, 2017

It' been months since i posted here but here it goes. I'm 32 and he's 38. I've been in 3 long term relationships so it isn't like I'm completely clueless. I met a guy on Match.com and I thought we really hit it off. Since our first date he has called or texted me daily. We have only seen each other for slightly over 2 weeks however, we have had 9 dates within that period (all except for like 2 that he asked me out again)! I have never seen someone that much in a short period. Usually when I first meet someone it's maybe 1-2x a week. I took that as a sign that he really liked me. It probably doesn't make a difference but most of our dates lasted hours to almost like a full day.

Anyway we went out last night on Valentine's Day. On like date #5 he already told me that he made a reservation for us. Again I took that as a sign that it got serious quickly.

We gave each other little gifts (nothing over the top). When he dropped me off back home, I gave him his card. I didn't want him reading it during
dinner in the event he didn't like it (would make for an awkward dinner!). I wrote that I have enjoyed spending time with him, and that the more I see him, the more I grow to like him and that I'm ready to delete my profile if he is.

He texted me (he's more into texting than I am...would have preferred a phone call but I guess this is the time we live in) and this was our conversation (I typed this fast so forgive my typos):

him-thank you for the great card. i agree that we are good for each other. i haven't been talking with any other girls or logged on for a while
me- the ball is in your court...
him-i think it would be good to take down profiles. i am probably more cautiously optimistic. please don't get me wrong. i've enjoyed everything we have done together very much!! and while i have no reason to think anything would change i have to remind myself that we have only known each other for a short amount of time.
me- got it
him- while everything is super awesome so far and i think both of us are being completely honest and not phony at all, there is just stuff people pick up over time. not a long time or anything, just more than a few weeks. but that doesn't mean match can't lose our profiles lol. im certainly not interested in seeing other people. are we good?
me= i dont really understand anything you said but in my experience any long answer to a simple question usually isnt good.
him- =( im saying that i think it would be good to take down our profiles and i would like to continue seeing you and getting to know each other. so far everything has been awesome but jumping in the deep end after a few weeks of knowing someone has bitten me and countless others in the past.
me- i get that but it sounds like im your backup plan until someone better comes along. sounds like you are trying to keep your options open which means you just want something casual.
him- oh no thats not the case. i havent been looking at all and if i wanted something casual i would have had it with someone already!

I don't see this guy being a player at all. He works 50 hours a week and I don't see how he could juggle me and other women given as many times as we have seen each other. I know it has to be one of these things and could use input...

1. He likes me and still wants to see me and will delete his profile but if someone better comes along, I'm out of the picture
2. He likes me but wants to take it slow but shouldn't have asked me out as much as he did (making me believe he was serious)
3. Just isn't serious about wanting a relationship (despite him telling me that he does).

I'm reordering your points:

1. but if someone better comes along, I'm out of the picture -- That could happen no matter how long you've been dating someone and you might be the one who finds someone better. After only seeing someone for a couple of weeks, no matter how many times you've gone out with them, you just don't know each other well enough.

3. He may very well be interested in seeking a relationship for himself -- he just doesn't know for sure it will be with you. there is just stuff people pick up over time. -- He's right. You both really like each other "right now", but it's true, that over time, things come to light that may turn him "off" and vice versa.

2. The only thing that seeing each other often in 2 weeks means is is that he really likes you . . . it doesn't mean he's decided to "commit" to you as the boyfriend. However, taking down his profile does show that he's not thinking about looking for anyone from OLD for now. He's decided to focus on you for further evaluation. At this point, that is all you can and should be hoping for/expecting.

February 16, 2017

Some people draw distinction between sexual exclusivity and committed relationship or couple. He seems to be one of those people. If a committed relationship is what you want, don't put all your eggs in his basket. If you are seeking a committed relationship, be wary of guys who talk around saying "yeah I won't see/talk/date anyone else either" BUT make sure to add that they're not with you by saying they don't want to rush or "jump" into anything "yet". This is marker of an EU. Not that he is one, but that he's even feeling the need to clarify this is a flag to me. (Instead of just "Yeah. I like you too and I think they should come down." )It's warning you they're not that into you yet, but don't go anywhere because they could get there. Do not count on it after 9 dates(and intimacy?) The 'heart' wins over caution. When you're really feeling a person, you jump in and take risks. People get strung along for YEARS by go-slow-and-"see where it goes" person. They say they won't sleep around for now (which for a lot of men is no hard feat, it keeps you guaranteed on the line, and prevents STDs),but none of the commitment. They can always jump ship, but this emotional line drawn enables them to jump a lot easier. They draw it because they anticipate that.

Meanwhile, the more invested one loses. You guys don't seem to be on the the same page, but you know better than any of us here. You seem to have Give it a timeline and stick to it. Don't settle for less than what you want.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

February 16, 2017

i think it would be good to take down profiles.

im certainly not interested in seeing other people.

im saying that i think it would be good to take down our profiles and i would like to continue seeing you and getting to know each other.

him- i havent been looking at all and if i wanted something casual i would have had it with someone already!

He clearly said 4 times in that short conversation that he isn't seeing other people, doesn't want to see other people and wants to take down the dating profiles.

If you got out of that, that you guys should keep seeing other people, then your own imagination is winning over the words he's actually saying.

I don't see being exclusive and taking it slow as being opposites. He may have been worried that you guys were getting serious to the point about talking about moving in or something.

February 16, 2017

Hearing the the "let's take it slow" speech is never a positive thing, whether it's a man or woman hearing it. I don't see how he could reach the conclusion she was ready to move in with the information given. She simply said she really liked him and asked to take down online dating profiles.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

February 16, 2017

In any case, I have an update (sort of).

He texted me a bit more and after reading over all his texts from last night I just said that we can keep things as is, to forget what I wrote in his card, and that he can decide what he wants to do with his profile or not. At this point yes I would like to continue seeing him but until he is ready for a relationship with me, I will keep the door open for other guys as well. I would NEVER have tried to get the serious talk with him if we had only see each other a few times. Again 9x is over the average of the norm to have the exclusive talk.

We spoke a bit today and he took a picture of where he put the card I made for him (in his living room above his fireplace). No mention of making plans with me yet but I'm leaving that up to him.

You are going to shoot yourself in the foot with all of this nonsense. He told you several times he was fine with taking down his profile and wasn't seeing anyone else. Stop all the drama and talk, talk, talk about it. (Especially over text.) He's going to think you are nuts because you don't seem to even be listening to what he is telling you. No one wants to start having serious relationship discussions after two weeks. He's simply being realistic and telling you that he has no idea where things will go, since it's only been two weeks. I can't see what is controversial about that. Do not bring this up again.

February 16, 2017

Hearing the the "let's take it slow" speech is never a positive thing, whether it's a man or woman hearing it. I don't see how he could reach the conclusion she was ready to move in with the information given. She simply said she really liked him and asked to take down online dating profiles.

I don't think he was necessarily telling her that she needs to slow down as much as he was telling himself. He's clearly head over heels for her.

February 16, 2017

Some people draw distinction between sexual exclusivity and committed relationship or couple. He seems to be one of those people. If a committed relationship is what you want, don't put all your eggs in his basket. If you are seeking a committed relationship, be wary of guys who talk around saying "yeah I won't see/talk/date anyone else either" BUT make sure to add that they're not with you by saying they don't want to rush or "jump" into anything "yet". This is marker of an EU. Not that he is one, but that he's even feeling the need to clarify this is a flag to me. (Instead of just "Yeah. I like you too and I think they should come down." )It's warning you they're not that into you yet, but don't go anywhere because they could get there. Do not count on it after 9 dates(and intimacy?) The 'heart' wins over caution. When you're really feeling a person, you jump in and take risks. People get strung along for YEARS by go-slow-and-"see where it goes" person. They say they won't sleep around for now (which for a lot of men is no hard feat, it keeps you guaranteed on the line, and prevents STDs),but none of the commitment. They can always jump ship, but this emotional line drawn enables them to jump a lot easier. They draw it because they anticipate that.

Meanwhile, the more invested one loses. You guys don't seem to be on the the same page, but you know better than any of us here. You seem to have Give it a timeline and stick to it. Don't settle for less than what you want.

I think you are the only one here who gets what I am saying.

I am now wary. I still like him and have fun with him and will continue to see him and see where it goes, but I am starting to think a real commitment from him in the future where then he seems to want to step it up could never happen (yeah I know that doesn't happen with most guys, but until the other day, I thought we were on the same page).

But yeah to me, the time for taking it slow should be said really on the first date "I like to take things slow" is a good answer to "What are you looking for?" To me, it's then not the best time to say that after 9 dates.

In any case, like some people here just mentioned, the large number of dates in a short amount of time definitely threw me off. Had we only seen each other once or twice a week, I never would have brought any of this up. I never had with any guy. I guess to me the number of dates is more important to the number of weeks. I mean I think the average person sees someone in the beginning 1-2x a week and would say "We have been seeing each other for 1 months (just an example)" versus saying we went out 5x so far which in that case, is way too early to most likely become exclusive and on the same page (if seeing each other 1-2x a week, i Would figure at the 2 month mark would be the time to see if commitment is going to happen or not. I feel given the number of dates we did sort of expedite things.

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I cannot tell if he gave me double talk or not...

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