ElysiaEm Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for the past 3 years. The relationship has been extremely emotionally draining on me, especially because there are only so many times I can hear that I'm an animal, that nobody ever loved me and nobody ever will, that I'm fat, not good enough for him and that I shouldn't exist. For the past few weeks he has been running a vicious smear campaign on me to anybody who will listen - this includes his and my friends, his family and even people who don't know me, such as people at his work. I have decided to leave, and he is happy about it, pushing me to do so right now - basically kick me out of the house we're renting. I am in a different country and I've nowhere to go, but regardless, I've booked my ticket out of here for Sunday. Since the terrible yelling/insult fest he served me with last Sunday (including throwing my xbox out of the livingroom window and attempting to break my ps4 and my laptop), he has calmed down a lot and is pretending as if nothing happened. He doesn't know I've booked my ticket nor does he know when I will be leaving the country, so I was wondering if it would be a good idea to just leave when he's at work tomorrow and stay at a hotel near the airport, or should I tell him tonight that I'm leaving tomorrow. I don't think he will stop me. I do love him and I know for a fact that the moment I step out of that door he will never see me again. He's also blocked from all digital communication including my phone number. I'm cutting it all off...but should I tell him I'm out, or should I just leave and let him figure out when he returns from work?
Mrin Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Just leave. No need to tell him anything. Just disappear and send him a post card from your current country from the airport before you board your flight. 2
SerPundnes Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Yes, just leave. Take back the controll by just leaving. He knows what he did was wrong on so many levels. He dosen't deserve an explanation or anything from you. Get out of there! Go home to your family and friends!
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for the past 3 years. The relationship has been extremely emotionally draining on me, especially because there are only so many times I can hear that I'm an animal, that nobody ever loved me and nobody ever will, that I'm fat, not good enough for him and that I shouldn't exist. For the past few weeks he has been running a vicious smear campaign on me to anybody who will listen - this includes his and my friends, his family and even people who don't know me, such as people at his work. I have decided to leave, and he is happy about it, pushing me to do so right now - basically kick me out of the house we're renting. I am in a different country and I've nowhere to go, but regardless, I've booked my ticket out of here for Sunday. Since the terrible yelling/insult fest he served me with last Sunday (including throwing my xbox out of the livingroom window and attempting to break my ps4 and my laptop), he has calmed down a lot and is pretending as if nothing happened. He doesn't know I've booked my ticket nor does he know when I will be leaving the country, so I was wondering if it would be a good idea to just leave when he's at work tomorrow and stay at a hotel near the airport, or should I tell him tonight that I'm leaving tomorrow. I don't think he will stop me. I do love him and I know for a fact that the moment I step out of that door he will never see me again. He's also blocked from all digital communication including my phone number. I'm cutting it all off...but should I tell him I'm out, or should I just leave and let him figure out when he returns from work? He is a terrorist -- I don't negotiate with terrorists. I have a zero tolerance policy for abuse. My "remedy" would be swift, with prejudice, and without explanation. I have a zero tolerance policy for abuse. I do love him -- If he's a narcissist, he has you "convinced" that you love him, but you don't love HIM, you love who he wish he would be.
mikeylo Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Yeah , leave when isn't around and without telling him. When you have to tell him later , don't give your physical address.
goldway90 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 He doesn't deserve another word or a goodbye, just leave and never talk to him. Also you need to see a therapist who will help you deal with the whole abuse. What you call love is called Trauma bonding. I wish you luck you deserve better.
Zahara Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 so I was wondering if it would be a good idea to just leave when he's at work tomorrow and stay at a hotel near the airport, or should I tell him tonight that I'm leaving tomorrow. Hun, you've been beaten down so badly and still sitting there trying to negotiate in your mind if you should appease this man. Just leave. You should have done so a long time ago. Move out when he is at work and he deserves no explanation from you. I don't think he will stop me. I do love him and I know for a fact that the moment I step out of that door he will never see me again. He's also blocked from all digital communication including my phone number. I'm cutting it all off...but should I tell him I'm out, or should I just leave and let him figure out when he returns from work? You've been abused. Conditioned. There is no love. When the fog has settled, you'll realize the significance of what healthy love entails and what it should not look like. He wants you out. No need to grant him anything. I have a feeling you want to say something because there's this hoping he might reconsider. 1
Author ElysiaEm Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 Thank you everyone for reading my post and for offering such great advice. I feel very ashamed of what I allowed to be done to me that I seldom, if ever, use the word abuse. It makes it seem like I'm a victim, and I don't think I am...or want to be. This is all partially my fault anyway - I allowed it to happen for so long and also, I'm probably not the greatest person either. I get emotional sometimes and say the wrong things, but I'm not vindictive or mean when I do. I tend to want to talk things through that bother me - I don't believe in 'silent treatment: figure out what's bothering me' approach. If I'm bothered by something, I tend to raise the issue in a non yelly and screamy or mean kind of way. I think I choose my words carefully, and I don't understand why someone would say and do things just to break me or humiliate me. I don't understand what I did so wrong. I know things can't always be what I want - both of us need to compromise to be happy. When I think about how he treated me, I don't hate him for it. I just feel nothing. He just came home and is continuing the 'hoovering' stage he started yesterday. He brought me dinner and chocolate cake and is telling me he loves me. It's making me want to say something... My ticket is already booked and my father is waiting for me in Vienna. There's no turning back, so why do I feel like I'm making the hugest mistake of my life... 1
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Thank you everyone for reading my post and for offering such great advice. I feel very ashamed of what I allowed to be done to me that I seldom, if ever, use the word abuse. It makes it seem like I'm a victim, and I don't think I am...or want to be. This is all partially my fault anyway - I allowed it to happen for so long and also, I'm probably not the greatest person either. I get emotional sometimes and say the wrong things, but I'm not vindictive or mean when I do. I tend to want to talk things through that bother me - I don't believe in 'silent treatment: figure out what's bothering me' approach. If I'm bothered by something, I tend to raise the issue in a non yelly and screamy or mean kind of way. I think I choose my words carefully, and I don't understand why someone would say and do things just to break me or humiliate me. I don't understand what I did so wrong. I know things can't always be what I want - both of us need to compromise to be happy. When I think about how he treated me, I don't hate him for it. I just feel nothing. He just came home and is continuing the 'hoovering' stage he started yesterday. He brought me dinner and chocolate cake and is telling me he loves me. It's making me want to say something... My ticket is already booked and my father is waiting for me in Vienna. There's no turning back, so why do I feel like I'm making the hugest mistake of my life... This is all partially my fault anyway - I allowed it to happen for so long and also, I'm probably not the greatest person either. -- That is HIM in your head. so why do I feel like I'm making the hugest mistake of my life... -- I suspect you have been "controlled" for so long that taking back some control feels foreign to you. Do what you need to do and at some point, I promise you, you will begin to feel empowered in your life again. If you need to, you can leave him a note as closure for yourself. Get it all out and keep moving. Personally, I wouldn't bother. I would make sure you block him on every media/venue possible and request that your family does not maintain contact with him. If he is truly a narcissist, he will haunt/taunt you.
goldway90 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Thank you everyone for reading my post and for offering such great advice. I feel very ashamed of what I allowed to be done to me that I seldom, if ever, use the word abuse. It makes it seem like I'm a victim, and I don't think I am...or want to be. This is all partially my fault anyway - I allowed it to happen for so long and also, I'm probably not the greatest person either. I get emotional sometimes and say the wrong things, but I'm not vindictive or mean when I do. I tend to want to talk things through that bother me - I don't believe in 'silent treatment: figure out what's bothering me' approach. If I'm bothered by something, I tend to raise the issue in a non yelly and screamy or mean kind of way. I think I choose my words carefully, and I don't understand why someone would say and do things just to break me or humiliate me. I don't understand what I did so wrong. I know things can't always be what I want - both of us need to compromise to be happy. When I think about how he treated me, I don't hate him for it. I just feel nothing. He just came home and is continuing the 'hoovering' stage he started yesterday. He brought me dinner and chocolate cake and is telling me he loves me. It's making me want to say something... My ticket is already booked and my father is waiting for me in Vienna. There's no turning back, so why do I feel like I'm making the hugest mistake of my life... It wasn't your fault , don't blame yourself you did nothing wrong he's sick in the head. Don't fall for the chocolate and sweet things he says, it's part of the abuse cycle to keep you around. Again there's a good book called "Why does he do that : Inside the minds of angry men" By Lundy Bancroft it will help see how your were a victim and how it wasn't your fault at all. Keep moving forward and don't be too hard on yourself.
Zahara Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 He just came home and is continuing the 'hoovering' stage he started yesterday. He brought me dinner and chocolate cake and is telling me he loves me. It's making me want to say something... My ticket is already booked and my father is waiting for me in Vienna. There's no turning back, so why do I feel like I'm making the hugest mistake of my life... You identify that he is a narcissist or has very deep narcissistic tendencies. You identify that he is hoovering -- a tactic to rope you back into being his victim. You identify that he DOES NOT love you -- not in the true sense but rather his "love" is control. You know your truth. When you feel you are making the biggest mistake of your life -- rationalize with those truths, not with fantasy. If you forget, read your post or at least start writing down the actuality of your relationship. The biggest mistake of your life would be spending your life with someone that treats you like garbage. I'm sorry to be harsh but you need to channel your reality.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) Absolutely do not tell him you are leaving. Just go. He is an abusive person, and abusers do not react well to losing control of their victims. I fear what would happen or how he would retaliate if he found out you're leaving him. Do some reading about separation assault - it is a very real risk to women when leaving abusive partners. You need to mitigate that risk by making a very quiet exit without forewarning him. You're making the best decision of your life. Not the biggest mistake. With time away from him, you will see it that way too. And good for you for having the strength to leave - what an awesome and important step. I hope others reading this will be inspired by the action you're taking. Edited February 15, 2017 by ExpatInItaly 1
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