bi guy

[unknownguy1]

Hi everyone

Id like to give you abit of background of my situation

I'm a 25 year old bi guy-not out except for a few close friends, for the past 4 months ive been with my partner, we set boundaries to never cross. We have very similar up-bringing’s which makes it easier (i.e old school lover, loyalty, respect above all, family orientated, etc) to respect the boundaries.

I love this guy with all my heart, and he says the same, I understand that there are suspicions and insecurities in relationships that need to be addressed and I respect that.

 

At random times he’d ask for my phone to go through it and I have absolutely no problem with it, I give it, no questions asked because I understand where hes coming from.

However when the tables are turned he gets defensive, looks over my shoulder when I go through his phone, he says he’s always been secretive with his phone and I believed him and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Recently I organised alittle trip over the weekend just to get away and relax, It was great.

On the drive back I had a gut feeling to check his phone, which I asked and he said “why”

I told him that I don’t need a reason to check his phone if I wanted to (as he doesn’t either)

So I took it and started going through it.

I checked his phone and found a recent search for the app “Grindr” which is a gay hookup app.

I asked him about it and he got defensive, he tried convincing me that the search was old and his phone is stuffed up and searches randomly pop up, which I didn’t believe. I told him that ive looked at his searches before and its never been there.

At that point he flips it over on me saying that ive been snooping around, and that I don’t trust him.

He snatched his phone out of my hand and I asked him to give it to me so I can have a better look, he didn’t.

We didn’t speak until we got back home, at which point he gave me his phone which is when I discovered that he’s been using Grindr for the past 2 months, when I confronted him about it and called him out on it he admitted it after some time.

 

He told me that he’d have a blank profile and look at the guys in his area, he swore hes never met up or spoken with anyone and that was not hes intent. At this point I responded and told him that we were done.

Disloyalty is something I can not respect or stand for he begged for forgiveness and not to throw what we have away to which I replied that I didn’t throw it away, he did when he made an informed decision to betray my trust.

 

He was in tears, which broke me, I genuinely love him and he broke me, I have been breaking down at work at home at random times, I try to control it but I cant.

I gave him all of me, and I don’t understand why he would do something so disgusting and revolting and hide it from me for the past two months.

A day later he called me and begged to see me which I did.

We met and he was asking me to forgive what he did he admitted what he did was wrong and that he regret it, he assured me hes intent wasn’t malicious (but wouldn’t tell me what he’s intent was other than ‘looking at guys’) he told me he couldn’t live with himself if I broke it off, he told me that last time we had a serious argument he thought about over-dosing on pharmaceutical drugs and he said he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.

I told him he betrayed my trust and that id always have the thought of what he did to me at the back of my mind to which he replied he’d try to gain my trust back.

 

I don’t know what to do, we still talk but I don’t know what to do, ive been alittle cold and reserved around him now.

I love him and he loves me – but how can he love me the way he says he does by hurting me? He knows how much I hate disloyalty, and he spat in my face and broke me – and hid his act for the past two months in hope that id never find out.

What makes it worse is that we see each other everyday, and we never get sick of each other, then he goes home and browses the app.

 

A part of me wants to give him a chance and the other part wants to leave.

Can I please get some input.

Edited February 15, 2017 by unknownguy1

[Lilyana76]

In my experience, when someone starts using hook up or OLD apps, its just the beginning of cheating. It only gets worse from there.

 

I would guard your heart now, protect yourself from him. He's shown you a reason to not trust him. It's up to you what you will put up with. He needs to delete all apps, and make your phone instantly available any time you ask no matter when or where. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. He needs to be open and completely transparent in order for it to work out at this point.

 

Personally, and this is only my experience, I think the cheating will continue and worsen. If I were you I would get out now to avoid any more pain. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[smackie9]

He won't admit it but your partner has been sitting on the fence about your relationship for awhile now. It doesn't matter if he is just "looking"....he's looking to see if there are other options...and like the other poster said, it's just the beginning or the first step towards cheating or simply the end of your relationship. Even tho he is on the fence, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or stopped caring....just that your relationship is starting to lose it's flavor. Relationships don't end because the relationship has gone sour, or things are horrible, sometimes they just run their course and there isn't enough substance for the long haul.

 

Fear is one of the biggest things that keeps people from leaving. I think that is what is going on with him. I don't think he is truly happy anymore.

[whatdeww18]

I would just like to point out a couple things in your story which were similar to mine that I realized after the end of my relationship:

 

It's completely possible to fall in "love" with someone in a very quick time period. The connection is there and it continues to build and gets stronger.

 

However, along with that, is how the pace of the relationship moves. It goes fast. It's intense. Witnessed by the statement, "you spent every day with each other... don't get tired of each other." I believe that. You don't and you enjoy each other's company.

 

However, everyone needs some alone time. When you spend every day with each other, you gain this dependency on each other. Think about it, after spending time together every day and going home, he's spent a large amount of his emotions on you. He needs space. What's the easiest thing to turn to? Other people.

 

I would agree with other people. Once he started looking, it would be a slippery slope. It would turn into talking to appealing people. Then, emotional cheating. It's where people fall in love with two people. In straight relationships, this is where people fall in love with the coworker. It's placing the strain of the relationship onto other people instead of communicating. It's hard to identify when you aren't experienced, you're just confused.

 

Guidelines for a healthy relationship usually include: "Enjoying time with each other throughout the week. However, don't forget about your own life, your friends, and having nights to yourself." Kind of makes sense, right?

 

I mean there will be a lot of other factors, but from what I could read from your story, it's what I can gather. Just a perspective to think about.

 

Another perspective is that he's not really a person ready for a long-term committed relationship. He may just enjoy the infatuation of new people, essentially, being an infatuation junkie and jumps from relationship to relationship. In that case, just cut your losses now and you'll thank yourself later.

 

It's going to be your call what you do. I just wanted to add some more perspective from someone who's now on the other side of this (I was in your shoes).

 

Wishing you the best!

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited February 15, 2017 by whatdeww18

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. It's hard to trust anyone when they act like they love you and then do something they KNOW will hurt you. The deal is he may love you as much as he's capable, but he's not capable of as deep and loyal a love as maybe you are. A person who really loves and knows what real love is, the very last thing they'd want to do is hurt the person they love. Words are easy, but these people who think what they don't know won't hurt them just don't love all that well.

 

There is no easy answer. You will never be able to trust him and probably have trouble trusting other people.

 

I will tell you that it is quite typical for the cheater to be the one who is most suspicious and jealous (him being the one demanding to see your phone first) and that is because they know that if they had a chance, an opportunity, they would take it to cheat -- and because they think that way, they assume you would do the same. So someone who is suspicious and jealous for no reason, remember they're the one who is a cheater, or if not, they have an extreme self-esteem problem and can't feel like anyone can love them or treat them right. Or both.

 

Have a fit on him. Tell him you should have known that since he was so suspicious of you, that he was the one whose mindset was that people cheat if they have an opening. Beyond that, you have to decide if it's worth trying to fix. Good luck. Sorry this happened to you. Cheaters suck.

[unknownguy1]

I would guard your heart now, protect yourself from him. He's shown you a reason to not trust him. It's up to you what you will put up with.

Personally, and this is only my experience, I think the cheating will continue and worsen. If I were you I would get out now to avoid any more pain. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

i agree, im not sure what to do just yet.

i did tell him however i dont trust him, and itll take alot for me to trust him again.

he said he'd do whatever it takes to get it back..

 

 

He won't admit it but your partner has been sitting on the fence about your relationship for awhile now.

 

i have spoken to him about this, whether or not he wants it, the commitment, the loyalty, trust etc.

he swore black and white that it is what he wants, and that he is sure and no doubt ever crossed his mind.

also, i know for a fact he is happy, he has no reason as to why to be otherwise.

 

Another perspective is that he's not really a person ready for a long-term committed relationship. He may just enjoy the infatuation of new people, essentially, being an infatuation junkie and jumps from relationship to relationship. In that case, just cut your losses now and you'll thank yourself later.

 

It's going to be your call what you do. I just wanted to add some more perspective from someone who's now on the other side of this (I was in your shoes).

 

Wishing you the best!

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

i actually brought this up to him the other night.

i dont think he is ready for the commitment yet and i told him thats fine.

he assured me he is and that he's never looked at anyone the same nor felt the same feelings nor saw himself with anyone in the future besides me.

 

 

I'm so sorry. It's hard to trust anyone when they act like they love you and then do something they KNOW will hurt you. The deal is he may love you as much as he's capable, but he's not capable of as deep and loyal a love as maybe you are. A person who really loves and knows what real love is, the very last thing they'd want to do is hurt the person they love. Words are easy, but these people who think what they don't know won't hurt them just don't love all that well.

 

There is no easy answer. You will never be able to trust him and probably have trouble trusting other people.

 

I will tell you that it is quite typical for the cheater to be the one who is most suspicious and jealous (him being the one demanding to see your phone first) and that is because they know that if they had a chance, an opportunity, they would take it to cheat -- and because they think that way, they assume you would do the same. So someone who is suspicious and jealous for no reason, remember they're the one who is a cheater, or if not, they have an extreme self-esteem problem and can't feel like anyone can love them or treat them right. Or both.

 

Have a fit on him. Tell him you should have known that since he was so suspicious of you, that he was the one whose mindset was that people cheat if they have an opening. Beyond that, you have to decide if it's worth trying to fix. Good luck. Sorry this happened to you. Cheaters suck.

 

 

i never took him for the type to cheat on me, nor do i now.

then again i never took him for the type to download a hook up app behind my back and hide it from me so secretly.

 

im actually confused and i dont know what to do.

 

id like to thank everyone who took the time to read and reply my OP i appreciate it alot.

Edited February 16, 2017 by unknownguy1

[TheTraveler]

This will pop up again x months on down the road. You should end it and move on.

 

This isn't the guy for you

[unknownguy1]

This will pop up again x months on down the road. You should end it and move on.

 

This isn't the guy for you

 

how can you be so sure?

[VeveCakes]

how can you be so sure?

 

He only stopped because he got caught.

 

Remember that

[jiffysound]

he told me that last time we had a serious argument he thought about over-dosing on pharmaceutical drugs and he said he wouldn’t be able to stop himself

That is BEYOND manipulation. Drop his butt and go no contact, you don't need such manipulators in your life!

[unknownguy1]

He only stopped because he got caught.

 

Remember that

 

he told me what he would've stopped once he went back to work (hes on leave for a couple weeks), i understand that its no excuse - i asked him with him knowing full well we could end - no BS answers.

he admitted he wouldve continued till he went back to work.

how can you be sure it'll happen again?

 

That is BEYOND manipulation. Drop his butt and go no contact, you don't need such manipulators in your life!

 

i dont think he was being manipulative, i know he has a problem dealing with certain things that affect him deeply and having ADHD he does tend to make impulse decisions that he'd regret after.

[goldway90]

we set boundaries to never cross. We have very similar up-bringing’s which makes it easier (i.e old school lover, loyalty, respect above all, family orientated, etc) to respect the boundaries.

 

I like how you talk about the similar upbringings like loyalty,respect then He goes and slam that across the wall.

 

he told me that last time we had a serious argument he thought about over-dosing on pharmaceutical drugs and he said he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.

 

This is a manipulative , emotionally abusive behavior.

 

Don't bullsh@t yourself and stop making excuses for him and end this, find someone who actually cares about you.

[Poutrew]

Straight, gay, or bi - it doesn't make any difference. He lied, got defensive, and then tries to guilt you. Simply, he can't be trusted. And, how do you really know he hasn't hooked up with anyone? For sure, you don't want the last gift this guy gives you to be an incurable STD...

[unknownguy1]

I like how you talk about the similar upbringings like loyalty,respect then He goes and slam that across the wall.

 

 

 

This is a manipulative , emotionally abusive behavior.

 

Don't bullsh@t yourself and stop making excuses for him and end this, find someone who actually cares about you.

 

i guess your right, i am looking for an excuse for him, because i care.

 

 

Straight, gay, or bi - it doesn't make any difference. He lied, got defensive, and then tries to guilt you. Simply, he can't be trusted. And, how do you really know he hasn't hooked up with anyone? For sure, you don't want the last gift this guy gives you to be an incurable STD...

 

this is true.