He got mad at me on valentine's day? He says I move too fast?

February 15, 2017

You asked him when he realized he loved you, he answered, hung up, thought about it, then went off. He can't sleep when you make him think about these things, he says. It's so stressful. Why would he be so bothered by that question? A person who loves you and has nothing to hide would not react this way. They may not be gushy, but they don't react this way.

It's more often someone whose dealing with some" internal struggle" or guilty feelings that they react this way. They don't want to be prodded about it because the more they have to think about it, the more likely they come to face with truth. That you come to face with the truth.

Maybe he is having doubts about the relationship. Maybe something else. I advise anyone not to gamble on someone who rejected them or was "unsure" about that them in the past. It rarely pays off. A person might change their mind and realize how awesome you are, but their feelings don't often follow suit100%. It usually ends up coming to a head later on.. He dragged himself.

February 15, 2017

Yes, it is. And it's very out of character. He has otherwise treated me better than any man ever has, in any length of time.

It is his character. The honeymoon is over. People are on their best behavior in the beginning stages. Soon enough one's true traits will start to emerge.

I know he's under stress right now too, at work, a sudden an abundant amount of it, but that's not a free pass to rip into me.

There are no excuses for bad behavior.

February 15, 2017

Sounds like he might be sabotaging the relationship by making such a big deal out of things you are doing that sound pretty normal for where you guys are at. Long distance is tough. With not seeing someone as often can leave the door open for someone else to come into the picture. Not saying that is the case, but he's obviously not happy in this relationship. You did nothing wrong and should not have apologized.

February 15, 2017

You've basically dragged me

He's guilt tripping you here, it's a sign of emotional abuse. Not to mention he already called you a slvt!!. Then he apologized to make you feel better. That's how the cycle of emotionally abusive relationships starts.

February 15, 2017

Y
Maybe he is having doubts about the relationship. Maybe something else. I advise anyone not to gamble on someone who rejected them or was "unsure" about that them in the past. It rarely pays off. A person might change their mind and realize how awesome you are, but their feelings don't often follow suit100%. It usually ends up coming to a head later on.. He dragged himself.

I think this is it, and there's a lot of validity and what you've all said. I've never heard of a man moving a woman out of the "friendzone" later, except this one exception. But if I was and am good enough to be with now, I should have been good enough then too. I was the same person, just living in a different area, and slightly less jaded by life. It makes me feel like if that girl who turned him down that he was into was still in the picture, I definitely wouldn't have been his first pick.

I had him and the local guy to pick from and the timing was bad--that local guy? Sweet, kind, quiet. He now has a girlfriend who he's crazy about, and I'm happy for him. I blew off the guy who had never wronged me. Hindsight is 20/20.

February 15, 2017

You took his virginity 1 month into the relationship. That is why he thinks you were moving too fast. His religious beliefs also play a huge part in this.

At least now I understand his angst. His outburst & the awful things he said were unacceptable but if you care about him and he doesn't do it again, you might be able to work through this, assuming you want to.

However, you will have to discuss these issues in person or on Skype if in person can't happen. But you need the visual & verbal cues.

Talk to him about how he pushed for exclusivity. Explore his position on sexuality. You might come to realize that you are on different pages. Don't play the blame game but do let him know that he hurt you. See how he reacts to that piece of info. If he's not heartily sorry, there is no hope for you.

February 15, 2017

Last night we had a skype date, and everything was fine. When I got off the phone, after I was sitting there waxing poetic about romantic things (probably because...Valentine's Day and wine), and I texted him, "Can I ask you a question?" "Yes." "When did you realize you loved me?" He replied, and everything seemed fine. I smiled as I read his reply, and then my phone rang. He called, and ripped into me. "Why would you ask that? You knew it would upset me.

I'd like to get back to this.

Do you ask him often why he loves you or when he fell in love with you?

Also he said you knew this question would upset him, did you know it would? so you have a history of you asking questions and that gets him upset?

February 15, 2017

I'd like to get back to this.

Do you ask him often why he loves you or when he fell in love with you?

Also he said you knew this question would upset him, did you know it would? so you have a history of you asking questions and that gets him upset?

I've actually never asked him before. He just said it for the first time recently, I'd kind of settled on the fact he might never say it so I was floored. There was no cohersion involved.

When I asked him last night, it was really more just I guess me having a rare romantic moment on valentine's day (I'm not a romantic, at all), and just wondering. If you asked me, I could tell you the distinctive moment when I realized I actually loved him.

I kind of feel like talk of feelings, whenever we've talked about them, upset him, but I've yet to be able to figure out why.

February 15, 2017

I've actually never asked him before. He just said it for the first time recently, I'd kind of settled on the fact he might never say it so I was floored. There was no cohersion involved.
When I asked him last night, it was really more just I guess me having a rare romantic moment on valentine's day (I'm not a romantic, at all), and just wondering. If you asked me, I could tell you the distinctive moment when I realized I actually loved him.

I kind of feel like talk of feelings, whenever we've talked about them, upset him, but I've yet to be able to figure out why.

This attack on you was completely uncalled for.

You are long distance so it takes more time to get to know someone. I think this is the real him revealing himself. If I were you I'd expect many more outbursts like these in your future.

Do you really want to be with a man that cannot endure speaking about feelings and has outburst of anger like this? I hope you have better plans for yourself. He can apologize all he wants this treatment will grow old very fast.

February 15, 2017

Do you ask him often why he loves you or when he fell in love with you?

G dude does not love her...

You know I don't like to talk about those things.

This is the kind of stuff people in my parents era and before use to say (MEN)

We have evolved beyond this thinking...

This is why many people need to understand better EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and when it is clear that a partner lacks that it is a huge red flag and while many might be able to ride the wave of bliss initially it will destroy the relationship in the long run.

Someone says they love you and can’t express why? That’s nonsense.

Someone said earlier this may be a guilt response and I agree.

The thing is high EQ people are self-aware and instead of just feeling without understanding the source, they can trace their emotions back to their origins and see them logically. They also have a realistic grasp of their strengths and weaknesses and these people will NEVER react rashly.

Instead of reacting, high EQ people craft calculated responses. Life is full of stressors. Everyone has their own issues, some go way back, however folks with high EQ learn to manage their responses to triggers in a proactive way.

(Forget that LOVE should never be a negative trigger)

Together people simply don’t react emotionally and in this manner. It is either guilt or this dude has some much deeper issues.

Hence…

I kind of feel like talk of feelings, whenever we've talked about them, upset him, but I've yet to be able to figure out why.

He either needs professional help or you need to get the hell out of this relationship or he will slowly drain you.

February 15, 2017

The odd thing is he's probably been the most attentive he's ever been to me, in the last 2 weeks here. He's called me nearly every day--(typically we only talk on the phone about twice a week)--he calls me by the way, he's been supportive while i've been angry and a mess in the last week with everything that's happened, and so while I was floored when he said "I love you" after i'd conditioned myself to believe it was never going to happen, looking back I could see it coming for the last few weeks. Which doesn't explain last night's explosion.

February 15, 2017

The odd thing is he's probably been the most attentive he's ever been to me, in the last 2 weeks here. He's called me nearly every day--(typically we only talk on the phone about twice a week)--he calls me by the way, he's been supportive while i've been angry and a mess in the last week with everything that's happened, and so while I was floored when he said "I love you" after i'd conditioned myself to believe it was never going to happen, looking back I could see it coming for the last few weeks. Which doesn't explain last night's explosion.

I think he regrets telling you he loved you.

Notlookingback: He was just being a normal attentive boyfriend. It's not because he acts like a normal boyfriend that he gets a pass for viciously lashing at you.

February 15, 2017

One other odd thing I just thought of that may or may not relate: He refuses to have phone sex. So for the times we are apart, there is nothing sexually until we are together again. That means going a month or so at a time without being physically intimate, even through technology. And yes, he refused this last night too. So maybe that helped the blow up.

February 15, 2017

He refuses to have phone sex. So for the times we are apart, there is nothing sexually until we are together again.

I will repeat what I said, dude needs professional help and something in his family background growing up messed him up. That needs to be explored.

February 15, 2017

I will repeat what I said, dude needs professional help and something in his family background growing up messed him up. That needs to be explored.

Did you read the parts where the OP said she is his 1st ever partner? He's also religious. She took his virginity about 1 month into their relationship.

A guy like that is going to have sex hang ups. He is also not capable of having phone sex. Cut him a break. He doesn't need professional help.

February 15, 2017

Did you read the parts where the OP said she is his 1st ever partner? He's also religious. She took his virginity about 1 month into their relationship.

A guy like that is going to have sex hang ups. He is also not capable of having phone sex. Cut him a break. He doesn't need professional help.

She said he used to be religious but is not anymore.

February 15, 2017

One other odd thing I just thought of that may or may not relate: He refuses to have phone sex. So for the times we are apart, there is nothing sexually until we are together again. That means going a month or so at a time without being physically intimate, even through technology. And yes, he refused this last night too. So maybe that helped the blow up.

I don't think that has anything to do with it. Not everyone likes phone sex. It very artificial for some.

February 15, 2017

Did you read the parts where the OP said she is his 1st ever partner? He's also religious. She took his virginity about 1 month into their relationship.
A guy like that is going to have sex hang ups. He is also not capable of having phone sex. Cut him a break. He doesn't need professional help.

Yup I saw that and I would agree with you IF dude is young (I did not see his age) early 20’s maybe.

But if he is 30 plus that is an issue.

I’m sorry D his reaction is a red flag and that will not just cure itself. If this is just a random BF/GF generic thing ok therapy over the top but if they are serious about each other dude needs help. When someone expresses that can't talk... that is an issue, because if your partner can't communicated like a normal adult that is a problem.

February 15, 2017

Most mid-late 20s men I know would be much more concerned if their girlfriend just said NO.

His age range.

February 15, 2017

Yup I saw that and I would agree with you IF dude is young (I did not see his age) early 20’s maybe.

But if he is 30 plus that is an issue.

Sorry, I didn't put it in there. He is 26.

February 15, 2017

Been with my boyfriend 6 months now. He recently told me he loves me, for the first time. It's been a great relationship. The only downside is long distance but so far it's worked and been worth it.

Last night we had a skype date, and everything was fine. When I got off the phone, after I was sitting there waxing poetic about romantic things (probably because...Valentine's Day and wine), and I texted him, "Can I ask you a question?" "Yes." "When did you realize you loved me?" He replied, and everything seemed fine. I smiled as I read his reply, and then my phone rang. He called, and ripped into me. "Why would you ask that? You knew it would upset me. You know I don't like to talk about those things." It's Valentine's Day. I don't think your girlfriend sending you a text to ask that is so heinous. "You always do this--you send me texts after we get off the phone, to try to keep me awake." No, that's not actually why or what I do. Then he continued, "You move way to fast. This whole relationship. You've basically dragged me. For example, I have FOUR pictures of us you've sent me. FOUR. In just a few months. It's like we're a married couple. You also asked for sex after we'd been together only a month. Who does that?" His words really stung. I don't think he has 4 photos I've sent him, because I've only gone in walgreens twice to get 4x6s since we started going out. The ones he does have, were just basically my version of a greeting card--I'd sent him a letter written on the back of a pic once a month or so via snail mail. Because in long distance I thought it was a nice addition to all the electronic media you otherwise have to use.

As far as sex...I don't think me wanting sex after a month is unusual, right? Women want sex and intimacy too right? To make it more hippocritical, he was getting oral from me long before that one month mark, and that seemed not to fast AT ALL for him.

I hung up on him and he called back to apologize. I'm not angry, but I'm really hurt and confused this morning. I don't know why he'd be in a relationship with someone if he didn't want to be close to them. Additionally I can't do the long distance thing for ever, and recently have been considering relocating because his area has better career opportunities for me, but after his meltdown, I'm convinced if I do, he'll have a fit. I need advice--was his outburst normal for the type of question I asked? Are the things I've done in 6 months normal, or are they actually "fast"?

God, these guys who try to avoid putting forth any effort and having actual sex by acting like oral is first base -- well, you have to be a fool to go along with that! They're just take, take, take, and get mad when you act like their girlfriend after using you like that.

Please, just wake up! He just wants head. I'm sure he pretended to be all "in love" so he could get it. But he can't keep up the pretense forever and now just wants you to shut up and blow him. Please just see this for what it is. They will all say or do or act however they have to to get sex, but they can't fake it forever and then they show their true colors. Any love you saw in his eyes was his love for sex. He is in love with sex, not you.

February 15, 2017

his outburst wasn't triggered by sex. it was triggered by a discussion about love. i don't think its primarily to do with his religious background. nice diversion he created there.

Edited February 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

February 15, 2017

When you get down to it, the guy disrespected you. There's been a lot of talk about rationalizing his actions, or trying to figure out why he did what he did. Just ask yourself, is that acceptable behavior to you? Then go from there.

February 15, 2017

Wow no offence but he sounds like a complete arsehole. Who gets mad over 4 pictures? How are you acting like a married couple, because you wanted to have sex after a month?

This is a big sign of deeper issues with him or he is unsure about you. I would move on.

February 16, 2017

You took his virginity 1 month into the relationship. That is why he thinks you were moving too fast. His religious beliefs also play a huge part in this.

At least now I understand his angst. His outburst & the awful things he said were unacceptable but if you care about him and he doesn't do it again, you might be able to work through this, assuming you want to.

However, you will have to discuss these issues in person or on Skype if in person can't happen. But you need the visual & verbal cues.

Talk to him about how he pushed for exclusivity. Explore his position on sexuality. You might come to realize that you are on different pages. Don't play the blame game but do let him know that he hurt you. See how he reacts to that piece of info. If he's not heartily sorry, there is no hope for you.

I did all of this last night. He is sorry, but I don't really think he can or knows how to fix it.

He says that he could have "told me the story of when he knew he loved me" later, on his own time, instead of me pulling it out of him.

He apparently gets mad about texts after we get off the phone because of time difference, and he feels like it's a power trip of me trying to keep him awake. It's not. We have a 2 hour time difference, with me being the time that's behind. That is not my fault. I do not control time zones, and with daylight savings it's about to be THREE hours. I told him fine, I'll just set an alarm that goes off every night at 10 o'clock, and get off the phone with him when it goes off. That didn't seem to make him very happy.

I also asked him about the sex. He finally admitted to me that some part of him thought he would save his virginity until he got married. He told me he wished we could have waited til it was something romantic--after a date one night or something. Here's the thing...I'm across the country. I don't get those dates with him. I don't get a thursday night dinner after work, to have it happen after. I don't get Tuesday morning getting up and getting ready for work with him. The time I get with him is few and far between and I have to make every second count because this time next week I will be alone again and we couldn't have sex or take a pic together or eat dinner together even if i wanted to.

So this morning I'm still hurt, not from anything he did, and I don't really know that there's a solution, but I told him I don't feel like he appreciates me.

Edited February 16, 2017 by NotLookingBack1

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