NotLookingBack1 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Been with my boyfriend 6 months now. He recently told me he loves me, for the first time. It's been a great relationship. The only downside is long distance but so far it's worked and been worth it. Last night we had a skype date, and everything was fine. When I got off the phone, after I was sitting there waxing poetic about romantic things (probably because...Valentine's Day and wine), and I texted him, "Can I ask you a question?" "Yes." "When did you realize you loved me?" He replied, and everything seemed fine. I smiled as I read his reply, and then my phone rang. He called, and ripped into me. "Why would you ask that? You knew it would upset me. You know I don't like to talk about those things." It's Valentine's Day. I don't think your girlfriend sending you a text to ask that is so heinous. "You always do this--you send me texts after we get off the phone, to try to keep me awake." No, that's not actually why or what I do. Then he continued, "You move way to fast. This whole relationship. You've basically dragged me. For example, I have FOUR pictures of us you've sent me. FOUR. In just a few months. It's like we're a married couple. You also asked for sex after we'd been together only a month. Who does that?" His words really stung. I don't think he has 4 photos I've sent him, because I've only gone in walgreens twice to get 4x6s since we started going out. The ones he does have, were just basically my version of a greeting card--I'd sent him a letter written on the back of a pic once a month or so via snail mail. Because in long distance I thought it was a nice addition to all the electronic media you otherwise have to use. As far as sex...I don't think me wanting sex after a month is unusual, right? Women want sex and intimacy too right? To make it more hippocritical, he was getting oral from me long before that one month mark, and that seemed not to fast AT ALL for him. I hung up on him and he called back to apologize. I'm not angry, but I'm really hurt and confused this morning. I don't know why he'd be in a relationship with someone if he didn't want to be close to them. Additionally I can't do the long distance thing for ever, and recently have been considering relocating because his area has better career opportunities for me, but after his meltdown, I'm convinced if I do, he'll have a fit. I need advice--was his outburst normal for the type of question I asked? Are the things I've done in 6 months normal, or are they actually "fast"?
jiffysound Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 You are in the right here. His assumptions were just that *assumptions* with no longstanding basis to support them. Moving too fast after waiting for a month is normal human behavior and you should not be ashamed of it, his outburst seems strange and may be a larger issue at hand, perhaps he does not want a long term relationship, perhaps he is getting cold feet. It sure seems that way from what he has told you. Only 4 pictures, and that's a big deal for him?? Are you kidding me? I wouldn't be surprised if he is looking for a way to break it off with you, but is too scared to do it himself, so he is hoping you will break up with him. This situation you're in sucks. I am sorry for you. 3
bluefeather Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I don't think there is a too fast or slow in general. I think there is only a too fast or slow to specific people. What I mean is, you can have your own pace, and another can have a different one. If he doesn't like how you do things (and clearly, he has a problem with it) another person might love it. I'm sure a lot of people on this board can agree that they would appreciate a girlfriend who would do things like you did. I see his action as a sign of weakness and immaturity, and he is probably not ready for a relationship that closer than LDR with you. Whether or not you are moving things along fast or slowly, he did not have to blow up on you like that. 2
Gaeta Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 It's been 6 months and he considers you move too fast because you gave him 4 pictures of you as a couple....GEEZ. Your BF is an insensitive jerk . The relationship would be over if it were me. Who does he think he is talking to you like this!! Woman up, tell him he is not the type of man you want in your life. Don't kid yourself, now it's this while you are long distance. When you are local he'll be much more mean and controlling. 9
goldway90 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 That outburst is a bit of red flag, what's next is he going to get angry if the food you cook doesn't meet his standards? Then he continued, "You move way to fast. This whole relationship. You've basically dragged me End it. 1
Larryville Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Absolutely a freaking red flag end this mess. Just disrespectful more than anything. He is an idiot! 2
WaitingForBardot Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 ...You've basically dragged me. ... This is how he really feels. Sad, but true. That would be it for me, but it's up to you to decide what you are going to do about it...
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Been with my boyfriend 6 months now. He recently told me he loves me, for the first time. It's been a great relationship. The only downside is long distance but so far it's worked and been worth it. Last night we had a skype date, and everything was fine. When I got off the phone, after I was sitting there waxing poetic about romantic things (probably because...Valentine's Day and wine), and I texted him, "Can I ask you a question?" "Yes." "When did you realize you loved me?" He replied, and everything seemed fine. I smiled as I read his reply, and then my phone rang. He called, and ripped into me. "Why would you ask that? You knew it would upset me. You know I don't like to talk about those things." It's Valentine's Day. I don't think your girlfriend sending you a text to ask that is so heinous. "You always do this--you send me texts after we get off the phone, to try to keep me awake." No, that's not actually why or what I do. Then he continued, "You move way to fast. This whole relationship. You've basically dragged me. For example, I have FOUR pictures of us you've sent me. FOUR. In just a few months. It's like we're a married couple. You also asked for sex after we'd been together only a month. Who does that?" His words really stung. I don't think he has 4 photos I've sent him, because I've only gone in walgreens twice to get 4x6s since we started going out. The ones he does have, were just basically my version of a greeting card--I'd sent him a letter written on the back of a pic once a month or so via snail mail. Because in long distance I thought it was a nice addition to all the electronic media you otherwise have to use. As far as sex...I don't think me wanting sex after a month is unusual, right? Women want sex and intimacy too right? To make it more hippocritical, he was getting oral from me long before that one month mark, and that seemed not to fast AT ALL for him. I hung up on him and he called back to apologize. I'm not angry, but I'm really hurt and confused this morning. I don't know why he'd be in a relationship with someone if he didn't want to be close to them. Additionally I can't do the long distance thing for ever, and recently have been considering relocating because his area has better career opportunities for me, but after his meltdown, I'm convinced if I do, he'll have a fit. I need advice--was his outburst normal for the type of question I asked? Are the things I've done in 6 months normal, or are they actually "fast"? Six months is a little soon to be considering moving for him, that's for sure. It's fast for a "local" scenario, let alone a long distance one. And, his response was absolutely uncalled for/an overreaction. I'm not angry -- You should be -- You also asked for sex after we'd been together only a month. Who does that?". This statement is the worst thing he said in the exchange. He's judging you. This would have made me end it right then and there and never look back! Usually, when a person jumps on something "minor", they are attempting to sabotage the relationship -- i.e. they want it to end, was waiting for a little push, let's say, and when they get it, they blow up. This guy doesn't want a "committed" relationship and isn't committed. I'd call him and tell him you're moving on because the two of you aren't on the same page. This exchange was emotionally abusive. I think you're seeing the "future" if you stay with him. This exchange would be a huge red flag for me . . . He can have the feelings he has, but there are better ways to address it. 3
Els Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 You're "like a married couple" because you sent him 4 pictures of you together in 6 months??? Oh for heavens' sakes... what crazy clingy thing will you do next? Hold his hand or kiss him, maybe? Apologies for the sarcasm, but that's exactly how he sounds - so melodramatic, always assuming the worst in everything. Is this the sort of person you want to be with? Re: the sex after 1 month, you mention being a LDR couple so I'm not sure what culture each of you is from. In some cultures, 1 month is fast, in others it's pretty darn slow. But really, regardless of that, it again sounds extremely passive-aggressive for him to go along with it and then later on accuse you of initiating. Dude sounds like a huge drama queen, tbh. 4
Gaeta Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 You also asked for sex after we'd been together only a month. Who does that?" You know he was calling you a slvt there, right! 4
CptInsano Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Is there a specific cultural background we should be aware of? Because otherwise this makes very little sense to me.
Zahara Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 This is a huge red flag. Warning up ahead. "You've basically dragged me." That would have been my exit. 2
smackie9 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 This is a huge dealbreaker....send this guy out to the curb. He doesn't deserve to be involved with a wonderful loving person like you. 100% psycho jerk face.
d0nnivain Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 His reaction was definitely over the top bad. However, your decision to text him about something so important right after you got off your Skype date was problematic too. If you wanted this info asking would have been better. I'd put some distance in here (if you aren't prepared to dump him outright over this). Next week ask him what pace he would have preferred. How much distance is involved? Clearly you have met because you have sex & have had photos. Any chance he wants more casual & thinks the geography gives him license to play around because you are not there to see it? 1
Miss Spider Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) No the outburst is not "normal". It's more characteristic of someone hiding something or feeling guilty about something -- that's why the anger is so disproportionate and displaced...four pictures lol. He may be feeling unsure about his feelings and the rship. Why does it upset so much him to talk about those things? Edited February 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough
GoldSparkz Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I think you've done enough in the 6 months to reinforce the relationship given that it is a long distance one. Your approach is normal and well pitched. For him to snap back at you like that is a taster of things to come. You should try to avoid men/people like this in general as the relationship becomes toxic and there'll be no winners. Its probably not the advice you wanted, but big red flag on his part! 1
Author NotLookingBack1 Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 His reaction was definitely over the top bad. However, your decision to text him about something so important right after you got off your Skype date was problematic too. If you wanted this info asking would have been better. I'd put some distance in here (if you aren't prepared to dump him outright over this). Next week ask him what pace he would have preferred. How much distance is involved? Clearly you have met because you have sex & have had photos. Any chance he wants more casual & thinks the geography gives him license to play around because you are not there to see it? A lot of distance is involved. Enough to require a flight every time we want to see each other. We didn't meet this way. We met the real way. I've known him literally my entire life (it's a very long story), and we became friends a couple years ago when I lived in the area. I was interested in him at the time, but the feeling wasn't mutual and he was interested in someone else. Then I moved here, and figured nothing would ever happen and it was time to let go. To throw "too fast" back at him: When he asked me to be exclusive with him, I was not at all expecting it. We'd had a lovely time together the month before when I was in town, but given he hadn't been interested in me a couple years ago, I framed it in my mind like a ONS--it was fun but he would still not want anything, I was in the beginning stages of being casually interested in someone here locally, SO was shocked when my now BF asked me a month later to be his girlfriend. For me, THAT'S fast. I was a pretty big commitiphobe and had told a lot of men no to that question. I said yes, because he was worth the risk. And until last night, I've never been this happy. Because he turned me down a couple years ago, there's always been a "hmm maybe I'm his second string pick" in my mind, and last night it was highlighted in my mind. For people asking about culture: We're american. He was raised very religious, but isn't now. I'm the only person he's ever had sex with. I've dated my share of good and bad guys, and see and learned a lot of things, and last night didn't feel like he was trying to control me in his outburst, it was literally like it served no point, which is why I'm so confused. We have a trip planned next weekend, with tickets already booked.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 No way in heck would I continue this relationship. You asked a pretty benign question. He exploded and accused you of forcing him into the relationship. That would be a deal-breaker for me; what a jerk. You should tell him there will be no more "dragging" from your end, because it's over.
Author NotLookingBack1 Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 The other thing is he did this at what I feel was a really mean time to do it: In the last week, I've been rejected from the graduate programs I applied to months ago--I worked really hard to get to this place, so I've been pretty devastated. I also had a chance to buy back my first car, which I've missed for years since I sold it, and the kid literally sold it while I was calling him to make the offer. So it's been a really bad week, filled with a lot of crying and alcohol. And Valentine's Day.
Gaeta Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Is it the very first time he speaks to you like this?
ExpatInItaly Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 A lot of distance is involved. Enough to require a flight every time we want to see each other. We didn't meet this way. We met the real way. I've known him literally my entire life (it's a very long story), and we became friends a couple years ago when I lived in the area. I was interested in him at the time, but the feeling wasn't mutual and he was interested in someone else. Then I moved here, and figured nothing would ever happen and it was time to let go. To throw "too fast" back at him: When he asked me to be exclusive with him, I was not at all expecting it. We'd had a lovely time together the month before when I was in town, but given he hadn't been interested in me a couple years ago, I framed it in my mind like a ONS--it was fun but he would still not want anything, I was in the beginning stages of being casually interested in someone here locally, SO was shocked when my now BF asked me a month later to be his girlfriend. For me, THAT'S fast. I was a pretty big commitiphobe and had told a lot of men no to that question. I said yes, because he was worth the risk. And until last night, I've never been this happy. Because he turned me down a couple years ago, there's always been a "hmm maybe I'm his second string pick" in my mind, and last night it was highlighted in my mind. For people asking about culture: We're american. He was raised very religious, but isn't now. I'm the only person he's ever had sex with. I've dated my share of good and bad guys, and see and learned a lot of things, and last night didn't feel like he was trying to control me in his outburst, it was literally like it served no point, which is why I'm so confused. We have a trip planned next weekend, with tickets already booked. I would not be going on that trip. You just found out he doesn't really want to be in this relationship, anyway. Maybe he was trying to convince himself he wanted this too, but apparently that's just not the case. I would be willing to lose the money on this. There is no way I would be going anywhere with someone who spoke to me like that, let alone a guy who was supposed to be my "boyfriend." 5
Author NotLookingBack1 Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 Is it the very first time he speaks to you like this? Yes, it is. And it's very out of character. He has otherwise treated me better than any man ever has, in any length of time. I know he's under stress right now too, at work, a sudden an abundant amount of it, but that's not a free pass to rip into me. And like your comment earlier, I do realize what he was calling me without calling me--he was judging me. And now I realize he has carried this pent up inside, holding it against me apparently, for months. Because I wanted sex? In a normal, adult relationship? Most mid-late 20s men I know would be much more concerned if their girlfriend just said NO.
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 The other thing is he did this at what I feel was a really mean time to do it: In the last week, I've been rejected from the graduate programs I applied to months ago--I worked really hard to get to this place, so I've been pretty devastated. I also had a chance to buy back my first car, which I've missed for years since I sold it, and the kid literally sold it while I was calling him to make the offer. So it's been a really bad week, filled with a lot of crying and alcohol. And Valentine's Day. There is NO time when what he did would be appropriate. I don't understand your attitude and demeanor toward this situation. He slut shamed you, he accused you of dragging him into a relationship more or less and disrespected you entirely! He's the one who initiated exclusivity/bf/gf and he's accusing you of rushing things by taking pictures. This smells like gaslighting to me -- a hallmark trait of narcissists. we have a trip planned this weekend -- So what? There is no way in H E double L that I would go with him. I don't care how much/if money was laid out already. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Yes, it is. And it's very out of character. He has otherwise treated me better than any man ever has, in any length of time. I know he's under stress right now too, at work, a sudden an abundant amount of it, but that's not a free pass to rip into me. And like your comment earlier, I do realize what he was calling me without calling me--he was judging me. And now I realize he has carried this pent up inside, holding it against me apparently, for months. Because I wanted sex? In a normal, adult relationship? Most mid-late 20s men I know would be much more concerned if their girlfriend just said NO. The bigger picture here is that he doesn't want to be in this relationship. Stress isn't the reason he bit your head off. It's because he wasn't being honest with himself about his apparent reluctance to be with you. I'm sorry you had to find that out like this. He's a rude little tool.
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Yes, it is. And it's very out of character. He has otherwise treated me better than any man ever has, in any length of time. I know he's under stress right now too, at work, a sudden an abundant amount of it, but that's not a free pass to rip into me. And like your comment earlier, I do realize what he was calling me without calling me--he was judging me. And now I realize he has carried this pent up inside, holding it against me apparently, for months. Because I wanted sex? In a normal, adult relationship? Most mid-late 20s men I know would be much more concerned if their girlfriend just said NO. And it's very out of character. -- Generally, people are "on their best behavior" for the first few months. Up until now, you hadn't really seen what his character is . . . you are beginning to see the real HIM. In as much as this is long distance, you have no idea "who" he is. You don't really get a sense of that unless you are spending longer period of time together and/or more often. This is not a one-time thing for him that you just happened to experience . . .
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