Hurt-88 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 This is a long story so I'll cut it short. I've been with a guy over 11 years and I can see the end of our relationship approaching. Why? Because he is Muslim and he is getting pressured by his mum to get an arranged marriage. He wanted me to convert but not only that. He expected me to live in his parents house with them cook, clean etc plus cover up and god knows what else. This was too much for me as I haven't been brought up like that. There was no give or take it seemed it was his way because again his mum wants a muslim! So then all of a sudden he tells me over the past 6 months that he can't leave me so he will marry who his mum chooses and marry me and live with me. This is non negotiable for me I would never do this. I would rather convert than be a second wife still hidden away as a secret or whatever. I feel I'm not good enough I have days where I cry all the time. I have days where I feel strong. Lately I have crumbled and feel so depressed, plus I have recently lost my Grandma so the pain in my life has doubled. We still see eachother, still sleep together but I can't help bringing up the subject every time. I don't know what to do I feel alone as none of my friends care or ask me how I am. My parents never wanted us to be together either they are Catholic. I've even tried to talk to other guys but feel I can't move on as I'm still in love and I hurt everyday. Some advice please?
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 This is a long story so I'll cut it short. I've been with a guy over 11 years and I can see the end of our relationship approaching. Why? Because he is Muslim and he is getting pressured by his mum to get an arranged marriage. He wanted me to convert but not only that. He expected me to live in his parents house with them cook, clean etc plus cover up and god knows what else. This was too much for me as I haven't been brought up like that. There was no give or take it seemed it was his way because again his mum wants a muslim! So then all of a sudden he tells me over the past 6 months that he can't leave me so he will marry who his mum chooses and marry me and live with me. This is non negotiable for me I would never do this. I would rather convert than be a second wife still hidden away as a secret or whatever. I feel I'm not good enough I have days where I cry all the time. I have days where I feel strong. Lately I have crumbled and feel so depressed, plus I have recently lost my Grandma so the pain in my life has doubled. We still see eachother, still sleep together but I can't help bringing up the subject every time. I don't know what to do I feel alone as none of my friends care or ask me how I am. My parents never wanted us to be together either they are Catholic. I've even tried to talk to other guys but feel I can't move on as I'm still in love and I hurt everyday. Some advice please? Did it never cross your mind before this time that this was going to happen? There Are Good Reasons to Not Date a Muslim Man - Heinous Dealings 1
BC1980 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 Religion is one of those things that can eventually break up a relationship. My first BF was Jewish, and he told me upfront he would never marry me unless I converted. I was 19, so I wasn't concerned about marriage. It was puppy love that ended eventually. But it did make me realize that religion is something important to talk about up front if you are looking for someone to marry and especially to have kids with. It's really important to be on the same page.
elaine567 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 I think there is an assumption in mainstream Western culture that love conquers all, and that it doesn't matter about religion or culture or strict parents or any other impediments in the way of true love, because true love always wins out. BUT that is not how the world works and for many cultures and religions then marrying their "own" is the ONLY acceptable path and anyone who thinks differently is much mistaken and will be cut off dead as if they never existed, if they dare to argue the point. Faced with no community and no family support then most will capitulate and accept whatever they are offered. There is often a strong sense of honour and duty and a need to continue traditions too, so few will want to walk away. "Love" has no chance. 1
devilish innocent Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 You need to break up with him as there's obviously no future for the two of you. You will only continue to keep coming back to the heartache as long as you stay. You shouldn't expect yourself to be able to move on to the next guy immediately after being with him. It takes a long time to get over somebody you've loved. Especially when you've been together for as long as you were with him. Those feelings aren't just going to turn off over night because you decide you ought to move on. The feelings do fade in time. But only if you break up and stop seeing the person. If you let yourself continue seeing the person and sleeping with the person, then you will stay attached to them. When you reach the point that you've stop missing him, you'll be able to start taking an interest in other people. But don't worry about that for now. For now, you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Check out the break-up section of loveshack for tips on how to get through this. Good luck!
spiderowl Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 I am really sorry about the situation you are in. I think you are right in not tolerating being a mistress on the side while he marries a muslim. If this guy is not grown-up enough to choose you for himself and go against family tradition, then he is not right for you. It's not as though his religion is paramount for him, because if it was he would not have been with you and he would not have slept with you. I think you need to take a stand here and tell him to go and that you will not be waiting for him. This is a risk, yes, and you may lose him, but the alternative is not bearable either. If you stand up for yourself and tell him to grow up and that you will not tolerate being second best, he might just be shaken into seeing what is at stake. As long as he thinks he might be able to 'have it all' and please his parents, he will dither about this. Good luck!
preraph Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 Hey, if this guy isn't man enough to stand up to his parents and make his own decisions, then you can certainly do better! He's acting like a helpless child. Truth is he is trying to have both and is willing to give you up in favor of traditional. He's choosing to obey his parents.
Author Hurt-88 Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 To cut the long story short basically I have been in a relationship for almost 12 years he is muslim I'm not. He always said he would choose me marry me and be with me. He has asked me to convert and everything before but i feel that isn't for me and why should I change. Up until a few months ago we were fine but now he says he has to marry a woman in Pakistan. I'm really heartbroken and feel used to be honest even though its been so long. So he gave me 1 option now he said don't convert don't do anything move into a house with him and live there whilst he would be married to some muslim girl that would live at his parents house looking after his parents. I'd never ever do this and made it very clear. However he doesn't seem to understand. So how can he think he could marry me and be married to some pakistani woman who lives with his mum and dad? I asked him when is this happening he said he doesn't know and won't know or know who she is until the wedding is that true? He said he predicts!! It could happen end of this year? How does the process work i mean this woman wouldn't even get to the UK straight away. I said he will never see me again if he does this
Popsicle Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 End this NOW for your own good. The only thing I can say to you is that a non-Muslim woman should never ever date a Muslim man. He will never marry you and just use you. You are caught in a fog. Snap out of it.
velton Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 i'm sorry to hear that . i'm a muslim and a man cannot marry a non-muslim unless if she converts to islam . if you really want him you need to convert , but if you made it clear that you will never convert then just leave him because it's just wasting time since he will never marry you .
thefooloftheyear Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 During all that time you never talked of future plans?? TFY
xxoo Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 It has been headed in this direction for a while. You know what you need to do. You just need to work up the resolve and do it. Break it off, no contact, mourn, and then give yourself some time to think about what you do and do not want in a relationship. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Just reread it.... Can't fault the guy here....He told you what you needed to do, you just back burnered it... I don't know what more he could have done...He is giving you an option, I can't blame you for not going for it... Nothing left at this point, but move on.. TFY
teddyzain Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) WARNING!!!! Do not get involved with someone from a traditional background unless you are SURE the parents are not strictly traditional. Otherwise the kid will always do what the parents say, regardless of how they feel. THIS IS NOT A RACIAL GENERALIZATION BUT A CULTURAL ONE. In other words I'm not stereotyping an immutable characteristic. So if you are dating a brown person (Indian, etc.) or a Muslim then ask them right now if they would dump you because of the parents, and hope for an honest answer. These traditional parents are extremely selfish and believe what they THINK is good for the kids is actually good for the kids. I come from a normal Western household. Parents are hands off when it comes to my personal life and absent an extreme situation (e.g. partner is violent, involved in crime, etc.) they leave me to find my own happiness. I've dated brown girls and its never worked out and that's because of the parents. I remember sitting in my 35 year old girlfriends living room and having to "shush" because she was talking to her Mom and didn't want to know there was a guy there. Mind you this girl was a professional, living on her own... So, please don't take this as a racial thing, it's a cultural thing and more often than not it will come to bite you in the a**. Thank God for Western culture!! Good luck! Edited February 15, 2017 by teddyzain 2
Zahara Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) To cut the long story short basically I have been in a relationship for almost 12 years he is muslim I'm not. He always said he would choose me marry me and be with me. He has asked me to convert and everything before but i feel that isn't for me and why should I change. Up until a few months ago we were fine but now he says he has to marry a woman in Pakistan. I'm really heartbroken and feel used to be honest even though its been so long. So he gave me 1 option now he said don't convert don't do anything move into a house with him and live there whilst he would be married to some muslim girl that would live at his parents house looking after his parents. You weren't used, OP. You knew what the conditions were for all these years. Decades ago, I was in a similar situation. When I realized I could not convert, I had to leave him as painful as it was. You chose to stay hoping something would change. It hasn't as you've seen in the past 12 years. I'd never ever do this and made it very clear. However he doesn't seem to understand. So how can he think he could marry me and be married to some pakistani woman who lives with his mum and dad? You've stayed for 12 years knowing the situation. So he likely thinks you'll do whatever it takes to be with him. I asked him when is this happening he said he doesn't know and won't know or know who she is until the wedding is that true? He said he predicts!! It could happen end of this year? How does the process work i mean this woman wouldn't even get to the UK straight away. I said he will never see me again if he does this All irrelevant. If you cannot embrace his faith and live that life, then you need to leave. At some point he WILL chose the path that is being chosen by his family. It's the culture. The same thing happened to me. I had to leave. Like you, I would have had to cover up, stay home, etc. I could not embrace that life. The time has come to face the inevitable. It's been there all along but you were choosing to ignore it. Edited February 15, 2017 by Zahara
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