Ex just contacted me during NC

[Jasong80]

So I have been going NC with my ex now for a week or so and she just text me to wish me a happy birthday. My question is should I be nice and respond and say thank you? Or do I just ignore her and not say anything.

[thedigs]

hey man im going through Nc too, And i truely think you shouldnt give her any contact until its actually going to lead somewhere, Just ignore that message , It will make her think whats going on and it will get in her head, Just move on be happy and she will still chase you, trust me,

[Leelou]

Don't reply. If you do, she will respond, and perhaps say something that hurts you, or she will not respond, and you will have just shown her how easily your No Contact is broken.

She has the power.

 

Don't get drawn back into it.

 

I know it's tough.

 

You broke up for a reason... go back and you're likely drawn back into it.

 

Better to block her, right?

[Jasong80]

Don't reply. If you do, she will respond, and perhaps say something that hurts you, or she will not respond, and you will have just shown her how easily your No Contact is broken.

She has the power.

 

Don't get drawn back into it.

 

I know it's tough.

 

You broke up for a reason... go back and you're likely drawn back into it.

 

Better to block her, right?

 

Should I block her or just continue to ignore her? I always feel bad blocking an ex in case god forbid something bad happens or maybe thats just the excuse I tell myself

[jamili]

Ignore it, if you still want her back someday. Answering it just lowers her attraction towards you, mskes you look weak, and gives her the power (like the poster above me just said - she'll see how easy it will be to get you to break contact, and she'll feel she has you around her finger still, which equals loss of attraction). You will only help her move on from her, dispel her guilt, and validate her reason for dumping you in the first place. You must go against your instinct and take a leap of faith.

 

Be a total mystery, a total ghost. Get her mind spinning, be the one guy in her life who has ever walked away from her like a man and meant it. Trust me, she will not forget (95% of guys would give in and respond. Dont be another beta exbf of hers.)

 

She cant miss you if you are even somewhat available. Stay completely silent until, and if, she someday cracks and messages you something more substantial... you'll know it when you see it.

 

Dont block her unless you can't help yourself, or unless you definitely never want her back again. Gotta leave an open channel or, if it ever comes, the "coming back " text will fall on deaf ears. And she wont come banging on your door, this isnt a romcom

Edited February 15, 2017 by jamili

[marky00]

Yeh I agree.

 

 

If your like most of us dumpees who want to move on but might still entertain the thought of a reconciliation (if the stars align), it's probably best not to block.

 

 

It's hard to ignore when you care on some level. 6 months NC my ex sent me a text asking how I am going. That was 6 weeks ago and although I feel a bit sad about ignoring that message, I ignored it anyway.

 

 

Its' weird because I am feeling better, getting back to my old self, almost forgive her for her horrible behaviour which is why on some level I feel like just making the peace with her and replying.

 

 

But then I just tell myself, me being kind and caring in the past wasn't working so why would it now?

 

 

I've rolled the dice, done a complete 180 by ignoring. I got a hard lesson out of being dumped which lead to massive growth. Now time for her lesson so she can grow too. Growth leads to better relationships, even when the relationship is broken and your apart.

[jamili]

Yeh I agree.

 

 

If your like most of us dumpees who want to move on but might still entertain the thought of a reconciliation (if the stars align), it's probably best not to block.

 

 

It's hard to ignore when you care on some level. 6 months NC my ex sent me a text asking how I am going. That was 6 weeks ago and although I feel a bit sad about ignoring that message, I ignored it anyway.

 

 

Its' weird because I am feeling better, getting back to my old self, almost forgive her for her horrible behaviour which is why on some level I feel like just making the peace with her and replying.

 

 

But then I just tell myself, me being kind and caring in the past wasn't working so why would it now?

 

 

I've rolled the dice, done a complete 180 by ignoring. I got a hard lesson out of being dumped which lead to massive growth. Now time for her lesson so she can grow too. Growth leads to better relationships, even when the relationship is broken and your apart.

 

Agreed. And this is why i think you see those people who jump right back in and reconcile after a month or two, and the relationship swiftly tanks again. "There is a reason you broke up", "an ex is an ex for a reason ", etc they claim. That's Bull$#@%. And a cop out analysis. The real problem was not enough time, and one or both parties involved did not learn or grow. That's the problem. And that's why, if you want a lasting, successful reconciliation, you have to give it a lot of time, and there has to be actual growth. Another reason to keep hard NC - so you both can learn and grow.

[Blanco]

Read his story, guys. His ex is an alcoholic and it was a LDR. Disaster.

[mightycpa]

It's called NO CONTACT, not Reply Only. The answer is obvious.

 

Of course you should block her. She's obviously a reacher-outer. You think she's contacting you to get you back, but she probably isn't. If she is, blocking her won't stop her. It is that simple.

[jamili]

She's obviously a reacher-outer.

 

LOL, I like this term. I have one of these on my hands too

[ZayKayWill]

Eh I don't really think saying 'thank you' to a happy birthday is really 'giving in'. If someone has the decency to say happy birthday I think you should say thank you just as a means of being polite. I wouldn't respond to anything else she says after that, though.

[marky00]

You think she's contacting you to get you back, but she probably isn't. If she is, blocking her won't stop her. It is that simple.

 

Well like my situation, his relationship was an LDR. If it's a different country it makes it pretty hard for someone to knock on your door.

 

 

My Ex would have to come here illegally because of all the VISA restrictions.

 

 

I get your point of course, but I think blocking combined with an LDR pretty much shuts the door for good.

[d0nnivain]

If you are the one who made the point to not contact her, her reaching out to you is irrelevant.

 

 

You ignore her & move forward.

 

 

If you don't have the self discipline to ignore her (or if she becomes a pest) you block her to save yourself from yourself.

[Been]

Listen to what the people posting say.

You don't block her because its an EXCUSE for you to leave the door open.

You think one day you'll receive that magical text that basically will say how much she misses you etc.

BLOCK her. Its the ONLY way. If she really needs to get a hold of you she will find a way TRUST me on that.

I've been where you are. Took my ex back. And it was WORSE then before because I accepted her back too easy. Please don't make that mistake.

[Bromeo]

Listen to what the people posting say.

You don't block her because its an EXCUSE for you to leave the door open.

You think one day you'll receive that magical text that basically will say how much she misses you etc.

BLOCK her. Its the ONLY way. If she really needs to get a hold of you she will find a way TRUST me on that.

I've been where you are. Took my ex back. And it was WORSE then before because I accepted her back too easy. Please don't make that mistake.

 

This right here. I fall victim to this as well.

 

OP, please listen to everyone here. My ex played games for months after our breakup. When I finally went NC before Christmas, no lie she emailed me and started her games up again a month later. This time it lasted a week before I cut her off. And like Jamili has said, be the guy who walks away. I promise you I'm the only person in my exs life that has.

 

If you are strong enough, don't block her. In my experience during this period of growth, clear communication and direction defeats confusion.

 

I agree she is your ex for a reason. Simply ask her straight out - "Why are you contacting me? Would you like to sit down and talk?"

 

Depending on her response or lack of, you have your answer of what she intends. If it is congruent with your intentions, move forward. If not, move on.

 

.02c

[Leelou]

Should I block her or just continue to ignore her? I always feel bad blocking an ex in case god forbid something bad happens or maybe thats just the excuse I tell myself

 

You definitely need to block her, or else you are leaving the door just a little bit open, for her to get back in, and hook you, then walk out and slam the door in your face (again).

 

She is not your concern any longer - she is your EX.

 

Please don't continue to tortue yourself this way... if you just block her for good, and tell yourself it didn't work out, and it's best for the both of you, then you will be allowing yourself to heal. And in time, find a healthy relationship.

[mightycpa]

Well like my situation, his relationship was an LDR. If it's a different country it makes it pretty hard for someone to knock on your door.

 

 

My Ex would have to come here illegally because of all the VISA restrictions.

 

 

I get your point of course, but I think blocking combined with an LDR pretty much shuts the door for good.

If you're in a different country, and your GF has to travel wherever illegally, then, and I mean this in all seriousness,

 

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

 

Even if you live in The Vatican, I can guarantee there are available single girls that are local to you. And if by some miracle of the Universe there aren't, you know, like you are assigned as a station operator in Antarctica, or you live on a Russian sub, or something unusual like that, then I'd say it doesn't much matter anyway.

 

So yes, you shut the door and you lock it and you stop peeping through the peephole to see if she came to visit you yet, and if she does, you don't answer the door. If she breaks it down, you consider calling the police, depending on what her story is. That's what NC is all about! It's not some technique you use to entice an otherwise reluctant soul into a relationship with you. It is to free you from the unhealthy and artificial mental dependency you have developed on another human being and that relationship, which in yours and OP's case, you don't see too often anyway. But it doesn't matter where they are, that's not the point. Your situations should actually make it easier on you than anybody else, because you can't help not being around them.

Edited February 15, 2017 by mightycpa

[jamili]

The bitterness flowing in this thread is almost overwhelming. I personally know 3 very happily married couples who broke up, then got back together after time passed. One was 6 months after, one was 1 year after, and the other im not sure. But it happens. Everyone in here is so disturbingly jaded, and unfairly imposing your own situations on the OPs as if everyone is exactly the same as you. I think it must be some way of coping or something, if you can control his outcome by getting him to do what you did.

 

OP- if you cant handle your emotions or control yourself, then i guess go ahead and block of that's what you want. But if you a mature adult, in control of your emotions and self disciplined, then there really is no need to. Our exes arent our EVIL SWORN ENEMIES like some people in this thread imply. They are people just like us, going through changes in their lives just like us, and we parted with them for now, yes. But you have absolutely no clue what the future will hold. Why not just let go and let what will happen, instead of slamming the door shut in hopes of fufilling a control fantasy. You dont need to control everything, that's the mistake everyone in this thread is making. They arent comfortable leaving the door open because it allows for the unknown, and they are afraid of the unknown so they close the door in order to gain some kind of security of control over the situation. If you cant mentally handle ignoring it and just watching what happens, if that is really going to prevent you forever from moving on , then i guess you gotta do what you gotta do... but its a little extreme and totally uneccesary.

 

Oh, and i highly disagree about the knocking on your door theory if they want you back. This is the real worl, people. No one is going to do that unless they are overly dramatic and maybe even unstable. A healthy person will use phone/text/email and if you never respond to their reconciliation attempts they will just give up and move on like mature stable adults. And what are you going to do, update them with your address everytime you move? Give me a break. Just ignore, its so much less risky.

[ZayKayWill]

The bitterness flowing in this thread is almost overwhelming. I personally know 3 very happily married couples who broke up, then got back together after time passed. One was 6 months after, one was 1 year after, and the other im not sure. But it happens. Everyone in here is so disturbingly jaded, and unfairly imposing your own situations on the OPs as if everyone is exactly the same as you. I think it must be some way of coping or something, if you can control his outcome by getting him to do what you did.

 

OP- if you cant handle your emotions or control yourself, then i guess go ahead and block of that's what you want. But if you a mature adult, in control of your emotions and self disciplined, then there really is no need to. Our exes arent our EVIL SWORN ENEMIES like some people in this thread imply. They are people just like us, going through changes in their lives just like us, and we parted with them for now, yes. But you have absolutely no clue what the future will hold. Why not just let go and let what will happen, instead of slamming the door shut in hopes of fufilling a control fantasy. You dont need to control everything, that's the mistake everyone in this thread is making. They arent comfortable leaving the door open because it allows for the unknown, and they are afraid of the unknown so they close the door in order to gain some kind of security of control over the situation. If you cant mentally handle ignoring it and just watching what happens, if that is really going to prevent you forever from moving on , then i guess you gotta do what you gotta do... but its a little extreme and totally uneccesary.

 

Oh, and i highly disagree about the knocking on your door theory if they want you back. This is the real worl, people. No one is going to do that unless they are overly dramatic and maybe even unstable. A healthy person will use phone/text/email and if you never respond to their reconciliation attempts they will just give up and move on like mature stable adults. And what are you going to do, update them with your address everytime you move? Give me a break. Just ignore, its so much less risky.

 

I agree 100% and this is partly why I try to avoid getting advice on this site only if I have to. I personally think that blocking is just a pussy move. What point is there in doing that? Why not leave the door open in case something happens? If you block someone, then they KNOW they have control over you in that sense. Why? Because you're doing whatever you can to AVOID them rather than DEAL with whatever happened. Maybe if the person is just a stalker and won't leave you alone blocking would be appropriate, but if that's not the case, why do it?

 

People just PROJECT their past emotions onto the poster looking for advice and a lot of the time just make him feel even worse or more confused than he was before he decided to ask the advice. This place can be kind of poisonous honestly. :/

Edited February 15, 2017 by ZayKayWill

[Tusks_n_Raider]

I agree 100% and this is partly why I try to avoid getting advice on this site only if I have to. I personally think that blocking is just a pussy move. What point is there in doing that? Why not leave the door open in case something happens? If you block someone, then they KNOW they have control over you in that sense. Why? Because you're doing whatever you can to AVOID them rather than DEAL with whatever happened. Maybe if the person is just a stalker and won't leave you alone blocking would be appropriate, but if that's not the case, why do it?

That's a little harsh. Blocking and No Contact is not about being a weakling. For me it was actually a tough thing to do emotionally and took some courage. It's a way to remove that person from your life that has been holding you emotionally hostage.

 

The dumper does this by not giving the dumpee closure and stringing them along with breadcrumbs and glimmers of hope. Being able to see my Ex's online activity was just making me jealous and feel bad about myself. After blocking I don't have to see this stuff anymore.

 

If someone wants to reconcile bad enough they will find a way to make contact. Be it email, an old school physically mailed hand written letter, using someone else's phone to make a call or showing up in person. Leaving all lines of communication open for the dumpee is letting a fresh wound stay exposed. Blocking is a means to apply some wound ointment and a bandaid so you can allow yourself to heal and move on.

[Blanco]

So how many of you who are not advocating OP cutting his ex out entirely have actually read his other threads about this relationship?

[Blanco]

The bitterness flowing in this thread is almost overwhelming. I personally know 3 very happily married couples who broke up, then got back together after time passed. One was 6 months after, one was 1 year after, and the other im not sure. But it happens. Everyone in here is so disturbingly jaded, and unfairly imposing your own situations on the OPs as if everyone is exactly the same as you. I think it must be some way of coping or something, if you can control his outcome by getting him to do what you did.

 

Your example is notable precisely because it's such a rare occurrence. Far, far more people break up and ultimately do not get back together.

 

I am not opposed to reconciliation. I am opposed to reforming a relationship that was heavily flawed and/or unhealthy. It's rare to read a thread in this forum where there aren't some big red flags. The reality is, most adults do not split for frivolous reasons. There's cheating, mental or physical abuse, there's a lack of compatibility in key areas, etc.

 

Otherwise, the reality is, most relationships among teenagers and early twentysomethings just don't last. People are still forming who they are, and this can sometimes only happen through some trial and error; yes, that includes relationships. So while I'm empathetic toward young people going through heartbreak, relationships involving these people that go south are rarely worth reviving. Yes, by all means, take some time to mourn. But do so knowing that your 6 month to 1-year relationship was probably doomed to fail sooner than later. So while I understand wanting to leave the door open, the truth is, after a certain point, people are only tormenting themselves and dragging out the process over a relationship that wasn't going to last.

 

In the case of the OP, he shouldn't be communicating with his ex for a number of reasons, the primary ones being that his ex is clearly an abuser of alcohol and lives far, far, far from where he does.

[ZayKayWill]

That's a little harsh. Blocking and No Contact is not about being a weakling. For me it was actually a tough thing to do emotionally and took some courage. It's a way to remove that person from your life that has been holding you emotionally hostage.

 

The dumper does this by not giving the dumpee closure and stringing them along with breadcrumbs and glimmers of hope. Being able to see my Ex's online activity was just making me jealous and feel bad about myself. After blocking I don't have to see this stuff anymore.

 

If someone wants to reconcile bad enough they will find a way to make contact. Be it email, an old school physically mailed hand written letter, using someone else's phone to make a call or showing up in person. Leaving all lines of communication open for the dumpee is letting a fresh wound stay exposed. Blocking is a means to apply some wound ointment and a bandaid so you can allow yourself to heal and move on.

 

So then just unfollow them or unfriend them. Sure you could always be tempted and go on their profile, but you could unblock them and still do that anyway. Whatever makes life easier for you, tho.

[jamili]

That's a little harsh. Blocking and No Contact is not about being a weakling. For me it was actually a tough thing to do emotionally and took some courage. It's a way to remove that person from your life that has been holding you emotionally hostage.

 

The dumper does this by not giving the dumpee closure and stringing them along with breadcrumbs and glimmers of hope. Being able to see my Ex's online activity was just making me jealous and feel bad about myself. After blocking I don't have to see this stuff anymore.

 

If someone wants to reconcile bad enough they will find a way to make contact. Be it email, an old school physically mailed hand written letter, using someone else's phone to make a call or showing up in person. Leaving all lines of communication open for the dumpee is letting a fresh wound stay exposed. Blocking is a means to apply some wound ointment and a bandaid so you can allow yourself to heal and move on.

 

Dont respond to the breadcrumbs. Problem solved, you are no longer being strung along. But if you block them... what will happen months later when the dumper cracks, and realizes you arent a beta pu#$% and resisted their crumbs, and wants you back?? You will never see it.

 

 

Guys..... you are deluding yourselfs that that someone who is having second thoughts is going to run back like a lunatic, mailing you letters, showing up at your door, begging you back lol. They will most likely make it more obvious through texting or calling, but they arent going to go through the lengths you all think. If its comforting for you to believe that in order to cope... ok, fine.... but dont feed that fantasy to people on here. If they respect you at all, they would respect your decision for wanting to move on and not get back together, and they will move on too. To expect them to go hollywood-style clawing at your door begging etc.. its just not going to happen, i dont care how much they love you. There are billions of people in the world, they arent going to go insane to get back one person they previously rejected... they arent going to knock down walls for you... when in all likelihood if you blocked them they will rightfully think you hate them and would be stupid to risk restraining orders and the like.

 

Your bitterness and jaded attitudes are going to bite you in the ass.

 

And dont give me that "it ended because reasons" stuff. The breakup itself set into motion incredible opportunity for change for both parties to CHANGE and grow. The dumpee alone probably eliminated 90% of the issues he/she contributed just by being dumped and reflecting on the causes, if he has any self awareness at all. And dumpers go through that too! Only later. Ive been a dumper, and i grew tremendously afterwards and completely changed as a person. And the same thing happened 2fold when i was later a dumpee in a subsequent relationship. Im 100% positive that my mistakes and faults wont happen again, in any relarionship. Its really closed minded to think that the dumper doesnt go through the same thing.

 

The biggest myth since Santa Claus is this closed minded, bitter "people dont change" nonsense. People change a LOT, throughout their entire lives. We are in a constant state of flux and change. Gripping onto this false belief that people never change is going to limit your lives and potential relationships. Instead, open your minds, relinquish control over anything that happens outside of your own actions, and go with the flow!

 

If you dont have the self discipline to ignore the texts... then instead of blocking, why not try improving your self discipline starting now. If someday you see the "i messed up and want you back" text/call, then cross that bridge then. If you never get it, well at least you learned self discipline and didnt run and hide from problems.

Edited February 15, 2017 by jamili

[Blanco]

You keep saying that "bitter" people here are just projecting their own situation onto the OP or other people starting threads like this. But you're also projecting and justifying waiting in the wings and gobbling up breadcrumbs because that's what you are doing with your own expired relationship.

 

I'll ask again: Did you read the OP's other threads about this relationship? If so, I'm genuinely curious as to why you think he should leave a door open for this woman.