avoforastig Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I just started dating again about three weeks ago. I had the unexpectedly good fortune of meeting a very interesting woman and all of a sudden we've been on four dates in two weeks. While I really like her, I feel this obligation to explore other options kind of like a "due diligence." I know she is very interested in me and I don't want to hurt her feelings. We certainly haven't discussed "exclusivity" but I never have in the past with previous gf's. I'm feeling really confused. I feel like I'm trying to find fault with this woman to justify exploring other options. Is there a point at which exclusivity is implied? Is it wrong for me to want to explore other options despite knowing things are going well? I don't want to sabotage things with her but I'm curious about other pathways. I feel like OLD has made me have this notion that there is a perfect mate for me waiting out there, I just have to keep looking.
SevenCity Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I just started dating again about three weeks ago. I had the unexpectedly good fortune of meeting a very interesting woman and all of a sudden we've been on four dates in two weeks. While I really like her, I feel this obligation to explore other options kind of like a "due diligence." I know she is very interested in me and I don't want to hurt her feelings. We certainly haven't discussed "exclusivity" but I never have in the past with previous gf's. I'm feeling really confused. I feel like I'm trying to find fault with this woman to justify exploring other options. Is there a point at which exclusivity is implied? Is it wrong for me to want to explore other options despite knowing things are going well? I don't want to sabotage things with her but I'm curious about other pathways. I feel like OLD has made me have this notion that there is a perfect mate for me waiting out there, I just have to keep looking. One of two things is going on, you aren't picky at all or you are the luckiest guy on the planet. You won't find someone perfect so get that out of your head. In the Court of Love Shack you have no obligation to her. In the court of women if she finds out she may be waaaay upset and end it. On the other hand you don't know what's in her head - she could be dating other guys as well. Typically a woman will bring this up "Are we gf / bf?" "Where is this going?" That's been my past experience but that was before OLD existed. Now I think you need to have the discussion. She'll want you to take down your profile if she wants to be exclusive. 1
CloudyHead Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I don't think it is implied at all. When I started dating my current BF, initially we saw each other often. I did bring up being exclusive and he wasn't ready for it. So I continued dating other men. Eventually he brought it up as he decided he wanted us to be exclusive. I don't think you can assume anything and, if it's a concern, discuss it. I don't know how old you are but if you're always thinking there is a bigger better deal out there, you'll never be happy with someone. 4
Gaeta Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Nowadays with this online dating exclusivity is NEVER implied. You have to have the 'exclusivity' conversation otherwise you'll have the surprise of your life when you least expect it. To me you sound like someone who's just landing on a dating site for the first time. The people freshly arriving in the wonderful online-lalaland never settle for the first woman they meet even if she is front-page-magazine-worthy. People find themselves in front of this catalogue and they want to shop. That is why I never went out with a man newly on a dating site. The first lady is never good enough then 1 year down the road, with a gazillion first date that went nowhere, they realize how stupid they were to overlook you. So, tell this wonderful lady that you enjoy your time but you'd like to keep it all casual for now, which is true and that gives her enough information to make a decision if she wants to stand by and watch you throw a line to catch a better fish. 4
Author avoforastig Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 I don't know how old you are but if you're always thinking there is a bigger better deal out there, you'll never be happy with someone. I forgot how hard it is out there. I'm an indecisive person and I hate it. I feel like media has brainwashed me into thinking I need a supermodel, PhD, social butterfly woman that happens to enjoy all of my hobbies and gets along with all of my friends and family. I really hate the process.
d0nnivain Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Exclusivity is never implied. It must be discussed. Especially with OLD I think these days more people then not assume the other person is playing the field & everybody is afraid to have the talk too soon for fear of scaring the other person or being mis-labeled as clingy. Caveat during the 1st 90 days never assume you have a weekend date. At some point between 3 - 6 months instead of asking for the standing date, at least in my mind it switches to you need to tell the other person in advance if you won't be seeing them. I can't pinpoint exactly when that is. However, if things are going good don't borrow trouble. You have done your "due diligence" before you met her. By now you have a sense of what is out there & it ain't all that so chose wisely. 1
Jj66 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 My experience. I think most people these days probably assume 1st or 2nd date sex isn't exclusive so you are probably safe not talking about exclusivity or lack of it at that point. But as a relationship progresses to more time together the exclusivity presumption becomes more prevalent and you really do need to talk about it. There is no absolute threshold except it seems quite silly to talk about exclusivity with a one night stand you picked up at the bar. I will give different advice for men and women here. Women: it's safer to assume there isn't exclusivity unless it's been agreed. men: it's more gentlemanly to assume she thinks you are exclusive unless you've agreed not to be. You will hurt fewer people this way. Both: if exclusivity is important to you, then talk about it before having sex. 2
Author avoforastig Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 To me you sound like someone who's just landing on a dating site for the first time. The people freshly arriving in the wonderful online-lalaland never settle for the first woman they meet even if she is front-page-magazine-worthy. People find themselves in front of this catalogue and they want to shop. That is why I never went out with a man newly on a dating site. The first lady is never good enough then 1 year down the road, with a gazillion first date that went nowhere, they realize how stupid they were to overlook you. So, tell this wonderful lady that you enjoy your time but you'd like to keep it all casual for now, which is true and that gives her enough information to make a decision if she wants to stand by and watch you throw a line to catch a better fish. I've done OLD before. This woman is not like anyone I've ever dated in the past. I'm actually in complete shock at how much I like her already. I feel like It's really tough when you find an attractive mate out of the gate. Maybe the tougher question is when to say when is enough?
d0nnivain Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I've done OLD before. This woman is not like anyone I've ever dated in the past. I'm actually in complete shock at how much I like her already. I feel like It's really tough when you find an attractive mate out of the gate. Maybe the tougher question is when to say when is enough? Now is enough. Stop looking. You shouldn't tell her that just yet. Consider yourself fortunate & nurture your relationship. 2
dumbass2 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Just continue on with what you are doing. If you feel like dating others then do so, but if you feel like you really like her and want to invest more into her, then do it. I was about a month in with someone I met online and I checked in with her to see if we were on the same page and I told her I am not seeing or talking to anyone else. She said the same. The actual exclusivity label did come up down the road. OLD makes it so you can't assume anything. People know it's not cheating unless you've had the "exclusive" talk and take down your profile together.
CloudyHead Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I forgot how hard it is out there. I'm an indecisive person and I hate it. I feel like media has brainwashed me into thinking I need a supermodel, PhD, social butterfly woman that happens to enjoy all of my hobbies and gets along with all of my friends and family. I really hate the process. For me, OLD was difficult initially because I encountered quite a few messed up people. Also, I wasn't focused on jumping right into a relationship and many on OLD are. I decided to relax and enjoy the process. I looked forward to meeting new men and going out. Don't put so much pressure on yourself or the process. I have two degrees and my own business and my BF is a truck driver who never went to college. But I value common sense and a good sense of humor over education and status.
Author avoforastig Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 For me, OLD was difficult initially because I encountered quite a few messed up people. Also, I wasn't focused on jumping right into a relationship and many on OLD are. I decided to relax and enjoy the process. I looked forward to meeting new men and going out. Don't put so much pressure on yourself or the process. I have two degrees and my own business and my BF is a truck driver who never went to college. But I value common sense and a good sense of humor over education and status. At this point, I have some people I had chatted with but not met on OLD. It's really tempting to meet them, would it be wrong at this point?
d0nnivain Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 At this point, I have some people I had chatted with but not met on OLD. It's really tempting to meet them, would it be wrong at this point? It wouldn't be wrong per se but if you this woman is all that like you say, what's the point? 1
SevenCity Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I've done OLD before. This woman is not like anyone I've ever dated in the past. I'm actually in complete shock at how much I like her already. I feel like It's really tough when you find an attractive mate out of the gate. Maybe the tougher question is when to say when is enough? Dude, you ever hear the expression "Don't look a gifted horse in the mouth"? Yea, that. I've been out with 15-20 women over the last 4 months - two I dated pretty seriously. I would give every single one of them up, including the sex, to be in the position you are in now. 3
Author avoforastig Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 It wouldn't be wrong per se but if you this woman is all that like you say, what's the point? I guess I'm reluctant to really say anyone is "all that" until we've been dating for awhile. I think there are always unanswered concerns early on. Its been four dates and I want to see more of her, but ultimately we've just scratched the surface. There are so many pitfalls even for the most well suited couples, it's easy to get carried away.
Author avoforastig Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 Dude, you ever hear the expression "Don't look a gifted horse in the mouth"? Yea, that. I've been out with 15-20 women over the last 4 months - two I dated pretty seriously. I would give every single one of them up, including the sex, to be in the position you are in now. I'm confused, you dated two women "seriously" in 4 months? What does seriously mean?
SevenCity Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I'm confused, you dated two women "seriously" in 4 months? What does seriously mean? I should have said exclusively. Didn't last long lol.
CloudyHead Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 At this point, I have some people I had chatted with but not met on OLD. It's really tempting to meet them, would it be wrong at this point? Not wrong at this point. Go ahead and line up more dates. I dislike the endless chatting on OLD. If you are serious about meeting women, then go meet them.
fireflywy Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Well... hate to say it but if you kissed her you're in an exclusive relationship. Congrats! Jk. Seriously, be honest with her and if you decide you'd like to be exclusive just come out and ask her (or anyone for that matter).
GoldSparkz Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 If you like her that much and have never dated anyone like her, why would you even consider dating any one else? Maybe I'm living in a time warp, but its a bit like going into a candy shop and wanting to try every sweet because you assume the next will taste better. Remember, we are only humans, all disfunctional, complex and loveable. If you assume that there is the perfect woman, you will be forever single still searching for something that doesn't exist. Also, it depends on what you're looking for. If you want something casual then your attitude to dating is fine. But if you're after something long term, then you need to figure out what you want in your partner as well as the deal breakers, then when you find a good match, then you date her (and only her) for long enough until you confirm that she is a good match. If you're dating multiple women you run the risk of meeting someone better looking and then later finding out that she's not a great match, then you try to bounce back to the first lady and you find she's taken or walked away from you because you 'flaked' on her too many times. This multi dating thing doesn't make sense to me, but maybe its because I'm getting old
Leigh 87 Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 I forgot how hard it is out there. I'm an indecisive person and I hate it. I feel like media has brainwashed me into thinking I need a supermodel, PhD, social butterfly woman that happens to enjoy all of my hobbies and gets along with all of my friends and family. I really hate the process. Did you know that chemistry is a feeling not based on how hot you are? Men with your current train of thoughts have gone on to meet an average girls and fallen head over heels. My bf did. With me. I am fussy and not relationship orientated and enjoy flirting and dating around. Yet the right guys have captured my attention and made me want to stay. You don't need a model with a degree. You just need the right chemistry that is compelling enough for you to flip a switch that makes other women no longer desirable dating options. 1
Author avoforastig Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) Did you know that chemistry is a feeling not based on how hot you are? Men with your current train of thoughts have gone on to meet an average girls and fallen head over heels. My bf did. With me. I am fussy and not relationship orientated and enjoy flirting and dating around. Yet the right guys have captured my attention and made me want to stay. You don't need a model with a degree. You just need the right chemistry that is compelling enough for you to flip a switch that makes other women no longer desirable dating options. I think chemistry is a combination of physical and mental attraction. However, physical requirements don't necessarily have to be a 10/10, just cute enough that you are attracted to them. In fact, the most physically attractive gf I had was the worst lover. Another girl's physical features were questionable initially, but the sex was the best. I'd of married her if she didn't turn out to have a weird anger management issue. Edited February 15, 2017 by avoforastig
CptInsano Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 At this point, I have some people I had chatted with but not met on OLD. It's really tempting to meet them, would it be wrong at this point? Wrong in the sense of a moral or legal obligation? No, of course not. But please, have a little faith in your instincts and your choices. It's really hard to start a relationship without that belief that the other person could be right, and giving that person a true chance. The mindframe of somebody-better-out-there will hurt you in the end. 1
Author avoforastig Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 Wrong in the sense of a moral or legal obligation? No, of course not. But please, have a little faith in your instincts and your choices. It's really hard to start a relationship without that belief that the other person could be right, and giving that person a true chance. The mindframe of somebody-better-out-there will hurt you in the end. You know I thought about this a lot last night. She is really great and she is the interested in me. However, she is a foreign woman and there is a slight language gap. She also seems a little confused about where her life is going(she just turned 30), and might move back to her home country. I am 33 and don't want to waste my time on a project. However, there is an undeniable chemistry and connection unlike I've ever felt before. I don't understand how this happened, and it's messing with my head. She seems amazing but I don't want to get hurt.
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