niskanen Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 (edited) Hi, 31-Y/O here. Since the breakup of my 2-year relationship a couple of months ago, I've been on many dates. Mainly facilitated by Tinder and other online dating sites. Some evolved into 2nd, 3rd and even 4th dates, but I never really felt like I wanted to commit (except for one, but then she didn't want to). Then, recently, 1st date with a girl from Tinder. We had chatted for 2 weeks and then met up. It was the best date I've ever had! There was so much great chemistry and laughter. Sparks were flying. She voiced similar sounds. It ended with the most passionate kissing. I *knew* I had found my next, and hopefully last partner. We immediately set a new date about a week later. In the days following, she had become a bit more subdued in the messaging. I thought she might have felt that she got carried away, and wanted to slow down. However, the day before our next date, she told me her ex had contacted her again out-of-the-blue to get together again. And that she needs to figure that out, before she can see me again. I basically replied, in more floral language: We had a fantastic time on our date, and I want to try to see where it can lead. But I'm not going to wait, so make up your mind about what/who you want. Haven't heard from her since (a week ago). I do not know the specifics about her ex, who broke up with who, how long time ago, and so on. For my sake, how much time and space do I give her to figure herself out? Do I chit-chat in the meantime to keep the spark alive, or keep total silence, with the risk of disappearing from the puzzle? Do I ask her for clarification about what her relationship was etc? If this had been a 'normal' date, where there's some kind of interest, but no super-chemistry, I would have laughed it off and forgotten about her. Edited February 14, 2017 by niskanen
smackie9 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 You were blunt and unsympathetic.....she's not going to call you back.
Author niskanen Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 I didn't say it bluntly like that, I used much longer and much less confrontational language.
Space Ritual Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 For my sake, how much time and space do I give her to figure herself out? About 30 seconds. You just dodged a bullet. People tend to fallback on routines. If you had gone on a second date with her, she probably would have told you at some point during the date that she stated talking to her ex again, and then your date would have gone south rather quickly and you would have been pissed The ex reappeared in her life because he either knew she was about to see someone else or he never was out of her life at all. she just showed you that she will be milquetoast at best when exploring how far your relationship with her could go. Best to let the sun set on her now and make time for someone who does not have that potential drama
ElizabethIII Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 She only met you once. You bluntly told her to take you or leave you. She left you. I would too if someone I met once spoke to me like that. 4
CptInsano Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 The X-Factor is always a possibility, and it is completely out of your control. Better now than after 7 years of marriage. Her not contacting you is her way of letting you know she made up her mind, after you asked for clarification. There is nothing you can do at this point. 2
Author niskanen Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 No, I didn't say it bluntly like that, I used much longer and much less confrontational language. I stated it bluntly here, for clarity, but I was not blunt like that to her.
smackie9 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Doesn't matter if you put it into different words....it's the message, and she got it loud and clear.
goldway90 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 You already told her you're not going to wait so there's no need to contact her, that would be needy. Plus she's not over her ex why waste your time? I *knew* I had found my next, and hopefully last partner. After one date you came to that conclusion! the thing is your interest is higher than hers, she's not that interested no matter how good that first date was. 1
CptInsano Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Try to see the positive: Do you want somebody who is not over her ex yet? I hope not. 5
WaitingForBardot Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 She only met you once. You bluntly told her to take you or leave you. She left you. I would too if someone I met once spoke to me like that. Agreed. OP, it's usually not a good strategy to tell someone to do something you'd rather they not do (ie, choose someone else). Especially when you don't even know them. Right up there with asking people questions you really don't want to know the answer to...
Gaeta Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 You are 2 months out of a 2 year relationship and after 1 date you call this woman 'the one forever' and you give her a silly ultimatum. You're in no emotional shape to be dating. Take time to mourn your ex, rebuild yourself, than think of dating in 6 months. Right now you have lost all sense of good judgement. 5
Author niskanen Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 1) Jesus Christ. You guys. I'm not going to post my long message to her here. It was more along the lines of this, but much longer: "I understand that those must be mixed emotions, and there is no certain way forwards. If you choose your ex, you understand that I can't just wait and see what happens. We had an amazing date, and I hope to see more of you, give this a shot." 2) Obviously I don't want to be with someone who isn't over ex. But I don't even know if that is the case. Maybe she wants to really end it all gracefully or something. I don't even know. You take everything so literally, so take this literally then: "figure that out, before she can see me again." 2
VeveCakes Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Try to see the positive: Do you want somebody who is not over her ex yet? I hope not. You are 2 months out of a 2 year relationship and after 1 date you call this woman 'the one forever' and you give her a silly ultimatum. You're in no emotional shape to be dating. Take time to mourn your ex, rebuild yourself, than think of dating in 6 months. Right now you have lost all sense of good judgement. I agree with both. One side, you are right to tell her that. I mean if she doesn't know what to do when her ex messages her, then she isn't over him. Bullet dodged. Another thing, being fresh out of a relationship... you need more time. It's ridiculous to think you found the one after one date. 1
kendahke Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I think that you should grind this to a halt and continue to go out on dates with other women. I don't believe for a moment that her ex called out of the blue. More than likely, she contacted him because she felt guilty for the great time she had with you. I've had this happen to me before. It sucks, to be sure.
Author niskanen Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 Thanks for your concerns about me (really, I appreciate it). But honestly, best date of my life. I don't want to throw that away if there is potential there, even if it's in 6 months or later.
kendahke Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Thanks for your concerns about me (really, I appreciate it). But honestly, best date of my life. I don't want to throw that away if there is potential there, even if it's in 6 months or later. As long as she gives her ex an audience, there is no potential. 3
Gaeta Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Thanks for your concerns about me (really, I appreciate it). But honestly, best date of my life. I don't want to throw that away if there is potential there, even if it's in 6 months or later. After my break up I felt head over heal for the first man I met. It's normal. We are 'raw' and we want to bond with someone really bad. Of course it didn't last we were both just out of relationships so life went on. I thought OMG he is so special I want him.....but life went on and I ended up having 10s and 10s of other 'best date of my life'. I actually came across him a couple of times years later and thought 'what was I thinking about'.
GoldSparkz Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Thanks for your concerns about me (really, I appreciate it). But honestly, best date of my life. I don't want to throw that away if there is potential there, even if it's in 6 months or later. Unfortunately for a relationship to work there needs to be equal interest from both parties. You mentioned that she was making positive sounds on the first date, what do you mean by this? Regardless of what someone says you should always go by their actions. Her actions (ignoring you for a whole week) suggests that she is no longer interested and possibly used the ex story as an excuse. She may even be dating other people which is often the case with OLD. I would say pull back from her and stop fantasizing.
VeveCakes Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Thanks for your concerns about me (really, I appreciate it). But honestly, best date of my life. I don't want to throw that away if there is potential there, even if it's in 6 months or later. You met her once. She afterwards said she wasn't sure where to go because her ex had contacted her. And here you are head over heels ignoring LS so you can pursue someone who is emotionally unavailable. Please listen to us! The people at LS are rarely wrong. You do not know this woman. Waiting or lurking 6 months is ridiculous. Lots of women out there. Take more time to heal. Think long and hard about how intense you feel after ONE date. Clicking is one thing. Ignoring red flags is another. 1
jiffysound Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 You were blunt and unsympathetic.....she's not going to call you back. Sometimes it's needed, we live in a feel-good culture where everyone's feelings matter, everyone wins. Well sometimes being blunt and unsympathetic can be a good thing, he stood his ground and that was that.
introverted1 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 As long as she gives her ex an audience, there is no potential. This! It doesn't matter if you were blunt or as delicate as a rose-- this is a woman who is still in contact with and willing to reconsider reconciling with her ex. She's not ready to date. Next! 1
dumbass2 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Thanks for your concerns about me (really, I appreciate it). But honestly, best date of my life. I don't want to throw that away if there is potential there, even if it's in 6 months or later. "she told me her ex had contacted her again out-of-the-blue to get together again. And that she needs to figure that out" This is all you needed to say about the situation. I sense it was a great date, but as soon as someone says this to me, I'm done and moving on. No getting invested in this baggage. She apparently is not ready to date if she is still not over her ex and has to "figure that out". You should leave her alone and not contact her and continue dating others. Hopefully you'll meet someone without this type of baggage because this will take a while for her. So she gets back and tries things with her ex (that never happens ha ha!) and 6 months down the road things don't work out. Do you really want her contacting you as a rebound? Just too much baggage and you should seriously move on without contact again. Don't hang around and try to convince her to choose you over him. Don't give her that power because she will always have it even if she did choose you. This is why you do not contact her again. 2
Author niskanen Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 Yes, that all makes sense. I see though that you're missing some of the picture. Here's some extra info I feel is essential and does change the perspective a little. I didn't think about it when I wrote the initial post: - She isn't a native english speaker. She's Hungarian. I've had some other quite confusing sentences from her before due to this. Knowing that, there is the possibility that she means that she must figure out how to really end it with the other guy. Or something entirely different. Which could be implied by the 'before I can see you again'. There can be some 'lost in translation' and cultural differences in how you deal with (old) relationships. Which is why I want clarity about what the situation is exactly. - I messaged her yesterday and we had some friendly small talk. So she responds. What is the best, non-confrontational way to ask for what her intentions/reading of the situation is? For all I know, she really could be wanting to see me again, but needs to deal with stuff I know nothing about.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Don't waste your time with her, OP. She isn't ready to let go of her ex. Cultural and language barriers aren't the issue here. That's you looking for hope. She needs time to figure things out with her ex = she's not available to date you. Her ex shouldn't be a factor at all. But, part of her heart is still with him. Maybe this was the best date of your life, but it wasn't the same for her. If it were, her ex getting in touch woudn't have made a difference whatsoever. Let go of this so you can meet someone who is ready and available with no ex baggage.
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