Healthy vs unhealthy fighting?

[Hopeful30]

I've read from numerous sources that fighting and arguing can be healthy. It means both parties care enough about the relationship that it affects them emotionally when things don't go right, because they really want things to work.

 

But how can you tell the difference between a normal fight (ie, misunderstanding) and an unhealthy fight (ie, negative qualities in the person confirming they aren't right for you).

 

P.S

Happy Valentine's Day.

[smackie9]

There's fighting and having a disagreement. You see the obvious difference there right?

 

Fighting is where no one is listening, just releasing anger.

 

A disagreement is followed by a discussion.

[smackie9]

But!........if you are even having a multitude of disagreements that isn't healthy either. That means you are not getting along...that is a compatibility issue and the relationship doesn't have a leg to stand on for the long haul.

[Gaeta]

I've read from numerous sources that fighting and arguing can be healthy. It means both parties care enough about the relationship that it affects them emotionally when things don't go right, because they really want things to work.

 

But how can you tell the difference between a normal fight (ie, misunderstanding) and an unhealthy fight (ie, negative qualities in the person confirming they aren't right for you).

 

P.S

Happy Valentine's Day.

 

Then my relationship is in jeopardy because we don't fight or argue.

 

We do have disagreements and we can debate over a couple of things but we don't 'fight'. And we don't fight because we care enough about the relationship to not let things go out of hands and say or do something irreparable.

 

Words can kill feelings and damage relationships beyond repair so no I don't believe in this 'fighting' is good. Expressing a displease is good but throwing left and right passive aggressive comments to your partner cannot be good.

 

What happened hopeful?

[Hopeful30]

Then my relationship is in jeopardy because we don't fight or argue.

 

We do have disagreements and we can debate over a couple of things but we don't 'fight'. And we don't fight because we care enough about the relationship to not let things go out of hands and say or do something irreparable.

 

Words can kill feelings and damage relationships beyond repair so no I don't believe in this 'fighting' is good. Expressing a displease is good but throwing left and right passive aggressive comments to your partner cannot be good.

 

What happened hopeful?

 

Thank you for asking Gaeta <3

 

Just the usual. He gets upset because he doesn't understand what I'm trying to explain to him (he isn't the smartest guy). There has been lots of progress on this front, and we are arguing less and less with time, but every so often he will lose his cool and it really makes me question the relationship. He's very sensitive, so when I back off and don't care to argue, he gets offended and thinks I'm brushing him off.

 

Also an update about faking the orgasms. Gaeta you won't believe it! I was so surprised at how he handled things. He asked again about the sex, and the conversation led to orgasms. I confessed it all and told him I've never orgasmed with any of my partners, only alone. He was heartbroken at first, but when he saw the pain on my face, he realized it was a deeply personal issue, and he was supportive! Did not expect that. Gave me a hug and told me he kinda enjoyed the thought of Being my first for something basically he is determined to make it happen lol

 

He just starts fights over the dumbest crap, I feel like I'm in preschool. Like when it comes to serious issues, he is surprisingly mature. Otherwise it can feel like incredibly hard work just to have a normal conversation .

Edited February 14, 2017 by Hopeful30

[Gaeta]

Thank you for asking Gaeta <3

 

Just the usual. He gets upset because he doesn't understand what I'm trying to explain to him (he isn't the smartest guy). There has been lots of progress on this front, and we are arguing less and less with time, but every so often he will lose his cool and it really makes me question the relationship. He's very sensitive, so when I back off and don't care to argue, he gets offended and thinks I'm brushing him off..

 

Then you need to communicate to him in a way he understands.

 

BF and I have the same native language but are from different cultures. Although we use the same vocabulary often the meaning behind the words are completely different that is why after I tell him something important I ask him: how do you understand what I just said? Same thing when he tells me something I will ask: Do you mean that ABC ? You have no idea how that saved us a lot of misunderstanding.

 

How does he lose his cool?

 

When you back off there is something in your tone or in your body language that sends him the message you don't care anymore. You could address that by telling him the conversation is important to you and he is important to you but you are getting exhausted and would like to continue later when you both take a pause from this.

 

 

Also an update about faking the orgasms. Gaeta you won't believe it! I was so surprised at how he handled things. He asked again about the sex, and the conversation led to orgasms. I confessed it all and told him I've never orgasmed with any of my partners, only alone. He was heartbroken at first, but when he saw the pain on my face, he realized it was a deeply personal issue, and he was supportive! Did not expect that. Gave me a hug and told me he kinda enjoyed the thought of Being my first for something basically he is determined to make it happen lol

 

He just starts fights over the dumbest crap, I feel like I'm in preschool. Like when it comes to serious issues, he is surprisingly mature. Otherwise it can feel like incredibly hard work just to have a normal conversation .

 

Good girl :-) I am glad you decided to be honest with him. Now you can build a real bond in the bedroom.

 

Give us an example of the 'dumbest crap' you fight about.

[Hopeful30]

Then you need to communicate to him in a way he understands.

 

BF and I have the same native language but are from different cultures. Although we use the same vocabulary often the meaning behind the words are completely different that is why after I tell him something important I ask him: how do you understand what I just said? Same thing when he tells me something I will ask: Do you mean that ABC ? You have no idea how that saved us a lot of misunderstanding.

 

How does he lose his cool?

 

When you back off there is something in your tone or in your body language that sends him the message you don't care anymore. You could address that by telling him the conversation is important to you and he is important to you but you are getting exhausted and would like to continue later when you both take a pause from this.

 

 

Good girl :-) I am glad you decided to be honest with him. Now you can build a real bond in the bedroom.

 

Give us an example of the 'dumbest crap' you fight about.

 

I suppose I could try that approach, I just hate arguing. I grew up with a very abusive mother who did nothing but take all her angry out on me, including putting me down and beating me. That's why I just shut off when things get heated -- automatic response.

 

Well the fight that prompted today's post is the following: We both agreed to lead healthier lifestyles, which for me meant stop smoking tobacco (I smoked very very little to begin with, but this was my only vice) and for him this meant no cigarettes, no alcohol, no marijuana and no other recreational drugs. He's been under stress lately and has started drinking again, with a rare cigarette, but I said nothing. I mean, the guy needs a break. I get it.

 

The moment I tell him, "Babe, I'm not having too easy a time either. You have your vices, I haven't said anything. I'm gonna enjoy some tobacco every now and then. Okay?"

 

This made him angry! He said I try to control what he does ( I used to ask him to stop drinking and smoking) and that he can do what he wants but I can't. Wtf right? I said Babe, I never complained about you drinking again, so why can't you just give me a break? He said it's not the same thing, and that I'm never happy with his choices. Basically went way off topic, and again I went back to my original point, I want to enjoy a smoke every now and then. Accused me of giving him a hard time and nagging him ... again wtf? We got home, I went for a walk, he went to sleep and has been ignoring me a since.

 

So like I said, preschool. I still don't know why he got upset, because I was calm and trying to explain that if I let it slide that he drinks when he needs to relax, then he should grant me the same courtesy. More accusations that I will become addicted etc, where months before he told me to do what I want, that I have control and he trusts my judgments. Confusing.

[introverted1]

Just the usual. He gets upset because he doesn't understand what I'm trying to explain to him (he isn't the smartest guy). There has been lots of progress on this front, and we are arguing less and less with time, but every so often he will lose his cool and it really makes me question the relationship. He's very sensitive, so when I back off and don't care to argue, he gets offended and thinks I'm brushing him off.

 

Ouch.

 

Does he know this is how you think of him?

[Gaeta]

Ok, so he is definitely on the defensive and it sounds like it's got its root deep. Instead of taking your statement for what it was: you enjoying a cigarette once in a while, he viewed it as an attack on him for not sticking with his new resolution.

 

He is perceiving attacks where there is none.

 

He also did not stick with the subject at hand and he accused you of nagging him a lot for a lot of things. Which means he's carrying resentment toward you and it all explodes when you have a smaller disagreement.

 

Do you nag him a lot?

[Hopeful30]

Ok, so he is definitely on the defensive and it sounds like it's got its root deep. Instead of taking your statement for what it was: you enjoying a cigarette once in a while, he viewed it as an attack on him for not sticking with his new resolution.

 

He is perceiving attacks where there is none.

 

He also did not stick with the subject at hand and he accused you of nagging him a lot for a lot of things. Which means he's carrying resentment toward you and it all explodes when you have a smaller disagreement.

 

Do you nag him a lot?

 

Hmm, that's very insightful. Early on I noticed he's very insecure and gets defensive, but something this small? Hmm, what would you recommend I do? I don't have much experience with people like this.

 

I never nagged, it's just that I'm a much stronger-willed person than he is, and I'm not tempted by the little things he finds very tempting. I always asked why he feels such a strong pull to certain things, or asked why he finds them so tempting. Genuine curiousity, but he thought I was making fun of him maybe? Again, his insecurities.

 

On some level he feels that I look at him in an inferior way, but i noticed that early on and made the effort to subtly mention that this is not the case! We just have different life journeys, that all. I'm just genuinely interested in how he views the world, but since I lead a better lifestyle that comes much easier to me than him, I suspect he feels I judge him when I really don't.

[Hopeful30]

Ouch.

 

Does he know this is how you think of him?

 

I would never let that thought enter his mind, he is too insecure for me to even joke bout it. I've been very careful. Besides, he's not dumb. I've just had more life experience and make wiser choices. He has some catching up to do, that's all.

[Gaeta]

On some level he feels that I look at him in an inferior way, but i noticed that early on and made the effort to subtly mention that this is not the case! We just have different life journeys, that all. I'm just genuinely interested in how he views the world, but since I lead a better lifestyle that comes much easier to me than him, I suspect he feels I judge him when I really don't.

 

Well, you did say in your original post that you don't think he's very smart. You may not express it with words to him but you are expressing it otherwise and he's feeling it. It's very important for a man that his GF or wife look up to him and be proud of him, without it he's a man with no spirit. That's what drives men.

 

I think you need to ask him what exactly that you do that he calls nagging. Don't dismiss it because you can't see it yourself. You need to go to the bottom of this and Identify exactly what he is resentful of.

[smackie9]

I agree...you think his complaints lack importance and it shows. Just give him your undivided attention and listen.

 

Guys thought process is pretty black and white....hinting or expecting them to just "know" will get everyone upset.....men are not mind readers. I doubt he is dumb, you just don't communicate with him properly. Simplify, non assertive clear communication. That's all you need to do.

[Hopeful30]

Turns out it's much simpler than that. I'll try to break it down.

 

Him: "I can have a drink once in a while because I've been drinking for a long time. You can't have a smoke every once in a while because you haven't been smoking as long as I've been drinking."

[Grewd]

Please tell me when you have had a healthy fight, I have never seen one or been in one. I never fight with my girlfriend, I found a woman capable of having calm conversations like me.

[kendahke]

I've read from numerous sources that fighting and arguing can be healthy. It means both parties care enough about the relationship that it affects them emotionally when things don't go right, because they really want things to work.

 

But how can you tell the difference between a normal fight (ie, misunderstanding) and an unhealthy fight (ie, negative qualities in the person confirming they aren't right for you).

 

P.S

Happy Valentine's Day.

 

Fighting is a sign of lack of control and lack of an ability to communicate effectively.

 

If someone feels they have to fight me to get their point across then I have no need for them. I prefer peace in my home, head and heart.

[kendahke]

Turns out it's much simpler than that. I'll try to break it down.

 

Him: "I can have a drink once in a while because I've been drinking for a long time. You can't have a smoke every once in a while because you haven't been smoking as long as I've been drinking."

 

What kind of tortured logic is that? That is so non sequitur it boggles the mind.

[Gaeta]

We got home, I went for a walk, he went to sleep and has been ignoring me a since.

People that have this behavior aren't fit to be in relationships.

 

You are trying to make this guy someone he is not and this in every aspect of him, not just about this disagreement.

 

So like I said, preschool. I still don't know why he got upset, because I was calm and trying to explain that if I let it slide that he drinks when he needs to relax, then he should grant me the same courtesy. More accusations that I will become addicted etc, where months before he told me to do what I want, that I have control and he trusts my judgments. Confusing.

 

What is this about granting you a smoke once in a while? Since when someone else as to allow you to do something? You are capable of making choices for yourself, the good choices and the bad choices, they're yours. When the heck did he become the master of your choices?