DesertDweller Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 My friend's wife doesn't trust him to go anywhere by himself since she found out about our past emotional affair. Because she is a teacher and has the summer off, she sticks to him like glue. I ran into them at the post office. (His daughter was with him at the counter while his wife kept watch outside. When his daugher spotted me, she ran outside to tell her mother. I thought for sure she would confront me, but she didn't seem to even glance in my direction.) He complained about his wife and daughter going everywhere with him. So why does he put up with it? Is he really that big a wuss that he won't tell her to stop? Does he actually like the attention? I'm just trying to understand. To add to the confusion, he still leaves books on my porch early in the morning (We are both booksellers, and he gives me the books he doesn't want)--I guess when she isn't with him? I don't get it. Does he feel sorry for me? I should add that we rarely talk.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 So why does he put up with it? After he was caught, his W probably knew that if she didn't stay close he would slip right out again. Knowing this, she probably put it to him that he has a choice: stay married to her without questioning these conditions, or leave. She really had and has no way of trusting him right now, and if he is acting anything other than like a perfectly happy guy she is going to be on him 24/7 to make sure he isn't expressing his negative feelings by going off and having another affair, or resuming the one he had with you. He probably has little or no choice - if he wants to stay married, he has to. Apparently, he wants to stay married - so, he puts up with it. Regardless of what he is telling you about how much he dislikes it: he consciously chose it. That doesn't mean that his feelings for you just magically shut off, but I expect they aren't strong enough to outweigh his desire to stay married to his W. He probably leaves books and stuff for you because of those remaining feelings that he can't and won't act on, and that he is most likely in the process of letting go of. Your best bet? Move on.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by DesertDweller So why does he put up with it? So he can stay married to his wife .. Simply really..
sweetserendipity Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 This is all really no concern of yours in the least, this is between a husband and his wife. What do you really expect? She's probably more than aware that there was something going on between you 2 or maybe she doesn't know "who" but she knows he was involved in some way with "someone else." Leave him alone and worry about your own affairs. Muster up some respect for her and their marriage.
Author DesertDweller Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 Sweet Serendipty ("Sweet" my a**!): I don't know why people like you bother to respond. I usually let your kind of comments go, but I've had enough of individuals like you putting others down. His behavior is my concern because it affects my life. Why would I have posted the question?! I have feelings too, just like his wife. Why do you people always assume that OW are subhuman? Or that the W is always a victimized saint? Instead of offering your ignorant, self-righteous opinions on this board, why don't you go do something you would really enjoy, like pulling the wings off butterflies?
SoftDrink Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by DesertDweller Sweet Serendipty ("Sweet" my a**!): I don't know why people like you bother to respond. I usually let your kind of comments go, but I've had enough of individuals like you putting others down. His behavior is my concern because it affects my life. Why would I have posted the question?! I have feelings too, just like his wife. Why do you people always assume that OW are subhuman? Or that the W is always a victimized saint? Instead of offering your ignorant, self-righteous opinions on this board, why don't you go do something you would really enjoy, like pulling the wings off butterflies? you asked a question and it was answered. just because you don't like the answer doesn't mean it isn't valid. i'm not trying to hurt your feelings, either, but i agree with SS. you may "have feelings too" and of course, you are entitled to them, but in this case, you need to keep them to yourself and move on. next time, don't get involved with a married man and all this will be avoided. you have the right to be happy too. good luck.
Zaira Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Is it affecting your life because his wife has come between you and him? Or because you're feeling sorry for him because he's annoyed at his wife for "following" him? If this man does not wish to be with his wife, or commit to his vows then why isn't he looking at a separation? The worst thing I see about this is that it is obviously affecting his children, and that is not good.
Author DesertDweller Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 Hi LucreziaBorgia. Thanks for your wise insight. I'd like to believe he's the victim he's claimed to be; that he's suffering under her vigilance. But I'm sure you're right. I wish he would stop leaving books and just disappear. (I've asked him to stop, but he persists.) I've even thought of selling my house to get away from the whole mess...
Zaira Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by DesertDweller Hi LucreziaBorgia. Thanks for your wise insight. I'd like to believe he's the victim he's claimed to be; that he's suffering under her vigilance. But I'm sure you're right. I wish he would stop leaving books and just disappear. (I've asked him to stop, but he persists.) I've even thought of selling my house to get away from the whole mess... As hard as it may be you are going to have to tell him again to stop, or put it in writing, letting him know exactly how it's making you feel. I would also alert him to the fact that he's hurting his family by doing this (even if you don't care about them, you are seeing the affects it's having on them and he probably needs to hear it from you). I'd let him know that if it doesn't stop you will have to take further action.
StillHurtin Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by ~Zaira~ As hard as it may be you are going to have to tell him again to stop, or put it in writing, letting him know exactly how it's making you feel. I would also alert him to the fact that he's hurting his family by doing this (even if you don't care about them, you are seeing the affects it's having on them and he probably needs to hear it from you). I'd let him know that if it doesn't stop you will have to take further action. I agree, if you really want him to stop tell him that and if he doesn't listen, take legal actions, get a restrainer order, if possible. When my H and I got back 2gether after his A HE was the one that stuck to me like glue. We spent a lot of time 2gether, a lot more than what we did b4 the A.
sweetserendipity Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by DesertDweller Sweet Serendipty ("Sweet" my a**!): I don't know why people like you bother to respond. I usually let your kind of comments go, but I've had enough of individuals like you putting others down. His behavior is my concern because it affects my life. Why would I have posted the question?! I have feelings too, just like his wife. Why do you people always assume that OW are subhuman? Or that the W is always a victimized saint? Instead of offering your ignorant, self-righteous opinions on this board, why don't you go do something you would really enjoy, like pulling the wings off butterflies? Did you come here for free opinions from strangers on the internet or did you come here to read what you wanted to read - to get sympathy for your alleged plight? If you can't understand why his wife is sticking to him like this then I feel very sorry for you because that would mean you're really only thinking about yourself. His wife is doing the best she can to fight for her marriage and if watching him like a hawk, given what a deceitful, betraying scoundrel he's been, then that's her prerogative. If he doesn't like it (seems to be you're the only one complaining here) then he's a big boy and he can work together with her to rebuild the trust (read: ditch you) - or, he can leave his wife and divorce her, if he's not really wanting to remain in the marriage. This is only a problem if HE decides it's one - and I've read nothing to that effect. His emotional affair is a legitimate problem for the woman he walked down the aisle with and vowed his commitment, devotion and fidelty to - his wife. But as far as I see it, this just isn't your problem at all because you have no business getting involved with someone's husband. The problem with "Other women" is that they're too selfish to consider for a moment how they'd be feeling if the tables were turned and THEY were the wife who's being betrayed. Sorry, you're not going to get any sympathy here. You claim you no longer want anything to do with him "now" - well, you should have thought about it before you got involved with him. These things happen, where the Cheater can't let go. This was a risk you took when you got involved with someone's husband.
SoftDrink Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 so you don't want anything to do with him, but you still worry about his wife and child being with him wherever he goes? why should it matter to you? i don't get it. she's not just "sticking like glue to a married man"; it's her husband.
sweetserendipity Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by SoftDrink so you don't want anything to do with him, but you still worry about his wife and child being with him wherever he goes? why should it matter to you? i don't get it. she's not just "sticking like glue to a married man"; it's her husband. exactly! There's 2 separate issues here. She started out complaining that this man's wife (wow, imagine that) was spending so much time to him (thus, the subject line of her post) and then when confronted about concerning herself with the actions of his wife, she suddenly gets defensive and says it's that he won't leave her alone. Huge contradiction.
sweetserendipity Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by SoftDrink so you don't want anything to do with him, but you still worry about his wife and child being with him wherever he goes? why should it matter to you? i don't get it. she's not just "sticking like glue to a married man"; it's her husband. exactly! There's 2 separate issues here. She started out complaining that this man's wife (wow, imagine that) was spending so much time to him (thus, the subject line of her post) and then when confronted about concerning herself with the actions of his wife, she suddenly gets defensive and says it's that he won't leave her alone. Huge contradiction. Why is she even paying attention to what his wife does?? And yeah, why does her post "subject line" refer to him as the "married men" in the context she used" - that's this guy's HUSBAND, not just some married man.
SoftDrink Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 her husband...who incidentally cheated on her with you. i say erase it from your past, tell him to get lost, and if he keeps coming around, you take furthur action on him...that is, if you're serious about wanting him gone. i have doubts about this, though.
kkat Posted July 23, 2005 Posted July 23, 2005 DesertDweller is going through a normal part of dealing with the ending of a relationship - she is trying to understand the "why" aspects. She posted exploring something that she is puzzled about. She didn't say that she is judging the wife's behavior, or trying to change the behavior of the wife or the MM, or even that she is trying to understand the behavior of the W. She expresses simply that she is trying to understand HIS behavior. So why does he put up with it? Is he really that big a wuss that he won't tell her to stop? Does he actually like the attention? I'm just trying to understand. ...he still leaves books on my porch ...I guess when she isn't with him? I don't get it. Does he feel sorry for me? This man made it HER business when HE got involved in a longterm EA with her. And, he continues to have contact with her, including leaving gifts/books at her home on a regular basis. He is married to someone else, but he is also in a relationship with DesertDweller (a relationship that he initiated and choose to continue), and that relationship, as inappropriate as you may feel it is, is absolutely her business. DesertDweller, would you prefer that he continue to leave the books or not leave the books? How much contact are you currently having with him?
Author DesertDweller Posted July 24, 2005 Author Posted July 24, 2005 Hi kkat. Thanks for coming to my defense. I don't want him to leave the books or to come around for any other reason. I make no attempt to contact him. He was always the one calling me and showing up at my house. He's stopped by my house once in the past three weeks to tell me he was going overseas for a week. He was here for less than five minutes--in my living room with my daughter and my mother present. I'm not chasing him or pining away for him...
Author DesertDweller Posted July 24, 2005 Author Posted July 24, 2005 What would you do for entertainment if we all kept our feelings to ourselves, as you suggest that I do? What is the purpose of this board, anyway? By the way, my question was not answered by SweetSerendipity. In fact, it wasn't even addressed.
SoftDrink Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Originally posted by DesertDweller What would you do for entertainment if we all kept our feelings to ourselves, as you suggest that I do? What is the purpose of this board, anyway? By the way, my question was not answered by SweetSerendipity. In fact, it wasn't even addressed. i never said keep your feelings to yourself. it's fine to talk about it here, go right ahead. but understand that not everyone is going to agree with you or be sympathetic when you brought this on yourself, and then you contradict yourself. that's all. **correction: i did say keep your feelings to yourself...but i meant in your real life situation with the mm, not here.
sweetserendipity Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Originally posted by DesertDweller What would you do for entertainment if we all kept our feelings to ourselves, as you suggest that I do? What is the purpose of this board, anyway? By the way, my question was not answered by SweetSerendipity. In fact, it wasn't even addressed. Well good golly, Miss Molly - I've yet to read any kind of posting guideline here stipulating that responders *must* directly answer the person's question. Though - regarding your questions about why this woman's HUSBAND doesn't seem to mind his WIFE sticking to him like glue - I don't know? Maybe because he loves her. Maybe because he realizes what a dog he's been and he feels guilty for betraying her and they have an agreement, as many couples in this situation do, that in order for her to rebuild her trust in him, she'll be watching him like a hawk and spending a lot of time with him - and he's fine with that. Does he like the attention? Very likely he does - it's his wife, afterall. Who doesn't like attention? Though as I originally said, I don't see what business this is of yours anyway - if his wife sticks to him like glue, given the circumstances, and he doesn't seem to mind it - that's their business and I'm not even sure why you'd expend the energy to worry about the thoughts going through the head of someone's husband.
Author DesertDweller Posted July 24, 2005 Author Posted July 24, 2005 This is so petty, that I don't know why I'm responding... No, there is no stipulation saying that responders must directly answer a question. (Though that would seem to be the purpose of a discussion board--to get help from those in a similar position. I mean, we can go anywhere to be insulted.) But you claimed my question was answered, so I'm setting you straight. Apparently you just want to be right. (I bet I'm not the first person to tell you that.) If I read the other posts right, you're a married woman. So this board is really of no concern to you. It's none of your business. Why are you here? Shouldn't you be keeping an eye on your husband?
Miffy Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Come on you two, enough please, agree to disagree! Very few of us are angels on this board, no matter what aspect of life. For my 2p worth, I think husband is enjoying the power trip of having wife chasing after him, maybe he is riding on his ego thinking it gets to you. Do you really not want anything to do with this man - not that I don't believe you but quite a few of us on here from time to time say we don't when we spend all our time thinking about them! If you really don't want him then I suggest you just think good riddance, wife welcome to cheating moronic man, hold head high, enjoy profiting from his books and smile.
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