alexandraxx Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Hi you all. I am just wondering, how do I know if our relationship is based on sex. Me and my boyfriend are for 14 months together, we know each other about 2,5 years. When we met he was a few days after his engagement, we've been working together and we somehow became a really good friends actually, he has started to be very flirty and he tried to even kiss me once, there was a huge sexual tension between us as well but I didn't take him seriously because he was engaged. However, things got a little complicated after our one business party, I don't know if that was alcohol or something else but we slept together that night, as bad as I felt I actually really enjoyed it, so did he. When I woke up in the morning next to him I felt every sort of emotions and I just ran away, I was hiding and avoiding him for days. He finally came to my house and confronted me, we had to talk. We both agreed that it won't happen again and we will keep it as a secret. Since then nothing was the same, we tried to keep it cool, but it was very uncomfortable and awkward at times. We couldn't stop thinking about it and I actually started to like him a little more. A few very difficult weeks passed and one day when we stayed alone at work we got a little intimate again and obviously I felt guilty again but I couldn't resist. I'm bad I know... I told my best friend about what happened and she advised me to stay away from him, so that's what I did. I've changed my job, he wasn't happy and wanted to keep in touch. To be honest, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I think I fell for him a little but I felt an extreme guilt, it was very confusing but I wanted to let him be and let him to marry his fiancee. I can't remember exactly but about two or three weeks later he messaged me "I'm taking you out, be ready at 7pm". I went crazy, I just called him shouting at him that he's a disrespectful pr*ck that complicates everyone's lives around, he responded that why he can't take a lady that he likes out as he's a single man. This confused me and I just asked him what happened so he explained that he made a decision that he should make long time ago, I said ok and called our best friend from work, she has explained me everything saying they broke up and she added "I think he's done it because of you". I was like whaaaaaaaat... I was confused, but I went out with him, we had a long talk and we've decided to start fresh. It didn't last long because we ended up in bed. When we woke up in the morning he told me he thinks, he's 100% sure that he was waiting for me. So this is how it started, I returned to my previous work and we became officially a couple. A little more than a year has passed, we're still together, we are a happy couple, we do variety stuff together, we go out, we talk a lot about everything, about issues, what make us happy and what make us upset. I feel like his family (especially his mother) finally accepted me. We travel a lot, we enjoy one another very much. There's a lot of sex, I think a lot more than average amount, I mean I don't complain because that's what we both really like and as long as we're strong and healthy we do it as much as possible. The thing is we have a lot in common but at the same time we are very different. He is emotionally stable, I'm very emotional person, he saves a lot of money, I spend a lot... He sometimes gets really annoyed by my actions, he's very responsible, I don't care sometimes about anything and do silly things. I know he loves me but I also know that he needs someone who has a high sex drive as him because he gets bored quickly. That's why I have an impression sometimes he's still with me because sex is good. What are your thoughts?
Author alexandraxx Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 Has anyone been in similar situation?
ElizabethIII Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 What are your thoughts? He cheated on his fiancee to be with you and did make you officially his girlfriend. You are not a shining example of morality either as you slept with a man who was engaged to be married Now hefinally made you official and his mother has finally accepted you, you feel like it is just sex. It probably is and he will probably sleep with other women if he isn't already. Those are my thoughts. Hope that helps. 1
ElizabethIII Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Has anyone been in similar situation? No. I have been cheated on more than once and it is devastating and humiliating. I would never start an illicit relationship with a man who had a GF, fiancee, wife, etc. I would never do that.
Gaeta Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Could be that you have be careful for what you wish for. He was appealing when he was taken, now you have him and he's not so enticing anymore.
SunnyWeather Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Not to be flippant in the least, but how about you ask HIM? Having open honest discussions about your feelings, concerns with your partner is a healthy thing to do
Author alexandraxx Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 I did ask him, he's always like "you really think it's all about sex" and he starts pointing out all the things we do for each other and if it was only about sex, he'd stay single and just date girls who doesn't expect him to stay faithful. He said to me that he has a very high sex drive but with me everything is easy and he will never get bored. When I ask him "will you stay with me when I'd get ill and unavailable" his answer is always a yes but I am worried that he will find another lady to keep him happy while I won't be able to. I wanted to read sb's subjective opinion. I don't know, these answers made me really upset.
ElizabethIII Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 (edited) I did ask him, he's always like "you really think it's all about sex" and he starts pointing out all the things we do for each other and if it was only about sex, he'd stay single and just date girls who doesn't expect him to stay faithful. He said to me that he has a very high sex drive but with me everything is easy and he will never get bored. When I ask him "will you stay with me when I'd get ill and unavailable" his answer is always a yes but I am worried that he will find another lady to keep him happy while I won't be able to. I wanted to read sb's subjective opinion. I don't know, these answers made me really upset. You're worried now that because he cheated with you, he may cheat on you. Well, he just might. It is a real risk. He stayed engaged to someone while he had sex with you so he has lied to his fiancees face and cheated on her in cold blood so of course he can do the same to you. I think you mean objective opinion. Subjective means based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions. We can't give subjective opinion, we are not personally involved. An objective opinion is one that is not influenced by personal feelings and is based on facts. Objective is the only perspective we can give. Edited February 14, 2017 by ElizabethIII
PinkElephants Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 You're already deeply insecure and his attempts at reassurance aren't soothing you. What do you think it'd take to sway you to either trust him or leave? Because you seem to be stuck in a limbo of wanting to believe him but not being able to which has left you unable to be happy or leave. I think she was correct in asking for subjective opinions. Objectivity is based on fact so it's not opinion. The objective fact is she slept with a man who had a fiancee, a man who's demonstrated a willingness to cheat. Despite not having been in the situation, I have subjective opinions on the matter. I wouldn't be able to cope with the shame or insecurity long term. If you're looking for a fling then have fun, get rug burns and go wild. If you're looking for a long term relationship I'd seriously reconsider this guy. If you get pregnant and can't have sex, are recovering from birth or an injury, get sick, get fat, etc, you'll be consumed with suspicion that he's cheating. It doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship. He already reassured you that he'd be faithful but you're worried. How will you feel if he proposes (knowing what he did to his previous fiancee), you get knocked up or he goes on vacation?
GoldSparkz Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 The foundations for this relationship aren't ideal. He cheated on his fiancee with you because of the sexual tension, not your great personality, so it sounds to me like sex is what binds your relationship. You also mention that he gets bored quickly and is impulsive, so if he gets bored with the sex, he'll most likely move on like he did with his ex fiancee. Now you're becoming insecure because you worry that he'll do the same to you. I wouldn't be planning my wedding to this man any time soon.
Author alexandraxx Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 I believe that my personality played a role as well, we were friends, a really good ones before we got intimate. My concern is that it will not be enough to keep him.
ElizabethIII Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I believe that my personality played a role as well, we were friends, a really good ones before we got intimate. My concern is that it will not be enough to keep him. Maybe no one is enough to keep him. His fiancee couldnt keep him and he went as far as proposing to her He may just be a serial cheater.
Author alexandraxx Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 He may just be a serial cheater. And how do I know that?
ElizabethIII Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 And how do I know that? Past behavior is the best indicator of future. Ive never cheated, not once. One of my exes was terrible, he cheated on his first gf and his second gf, both long term relationships. Then when we were together I found out he had got back with his ex and I was now just the side piece while he lied to both of us. When he is single he never is. Always has fbs and randoms. He's been with current gf for nearly 2 years: just a matter of time before he cheats again IMO. With yours what about before his fiancee? Any cheating there. What concerns me is he wasnt so sure. He wasnt so blown away that he left his fiancee. He wasnt serious about you and strung you both along until he finally made you official. Doesnt sound sure.
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 A little more than a year has passed, we're still together, we are a happy couple, we do variety stuff together, we go out, we talk a lot about everything, about issues, what make us happy and what make us upset. I feel like his family (especially his mother) finally accepted me. We travel a lot, we enjoy one another very much. What are your thoughts? I think you are looking for problems in the wrong place. If you are talking, traveling, interacting with family, & doing a variety of things together plus having lots of great sex, it seems like you have an ideal relationship. Good sex is a benefit not a reason to break apart. Would you be happier if you had less sex? The sex isn't where you should be paying attention. Since he started up with you after he was engaged & cheated on his FI with you, I'd be more worried about infidelity then too much sex. Remember if they cheat with you it's more likely they will cheat on you.
Author alexandraxx Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 I think you are looking for problems in the wrong place. If you are talking, traveling, interacting with family, & doing a variety of things together plus having lots of great sex, it seems like you have an ideal relationship. Good sex is a benefit not a reason to break apart. Would you be happier if you had less sex? The sex isn't where you should be paying attention. Since he started up with you after he was engaged & cheated on his FI with you, I'd be more worried about infidelity then too much sex. Remember if they cheat with you it's more likely they will cheat on you. I am absolutely not complaining, I just think that no sex will be a deal breaker, I don't know. From what I know, he has not got a history of cheating. I know his previous relationship was the longest one. I know that our relationship is a good one, he has not broken up with his fiancee just because of sex, but I know we are more compatible in many factors. I am sure he knew what he was doing.
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