Nitpicking at flaws or dealbreakers?

[Lunay]

Hi all, its been a while!

 

I’ve known my boyfriend for 5 years. He used to be my ex’s boss. I’ve been seeing him on a regular basis since October, talking every day since end of Aug.

We made it official between us in December, neither of us were seeing anyone except each other (since Oct) so it’s been pretty exclusive the whole time.

Anyway, long story short… he is nice, sweet, generous, compliments me and says all the right things. In fact he is pretty perfect for me besides minor issues I’m working on. He is what I’ve been looking for. He’s loyal and honest. I can see myself marrying him and maybe having another baby…

But my feelings are changing for him.. I am afraid he will say I love you at some point and I won’t be able to say it back. I don’t love him, at least not right now. I care about him and hope to have a future with him but I’m losing the excitement for it. Some things that bother me about him I am trying to move passed. I feel he could have better mouth hygiene, he does brush his teeth and I think even more so since he’s been with me because I’m always brushing or making sure my breath doesn’t stink. It’s not all the time just sometimes, but it’s a huge turnoff for me when it happens! I feel like there is an underlying problem for it but I have looked passed this and I am trying my best to get over it. My subtle hints I think have worked thus far. I just feel like he could be better at it?

 

He seems a bit lazy in the bedroom and never finishes! He swears it’s not me. I get extremely wet and he turns me on very easily when we are doing stuff, but once I finish (which takes minutes most of the time) he just stops! I have told him to keep going, I have told him how it makes me feel and he says as long as I’m feeling good and getting off he’s happy. Also that maybe I’ve just never been with a guy like him… The only times he has “blown” were when I have given him BJ’s. Other than that I think he has “blown” from intercourse ONCE! I just want to be ravaged sometimes! I feel like I’ll never get this from him! My sister thinks he might jack it too much, but I think it’s something else entirely. Maybe even a tad of ED?! I am so frustrated by it but I don’t want to keep bringing it up.

 

He hates my ex with a passion. My ex and I still communicate sometimes because we own a house together (which is up for sale) and he still wants to be in my daughter’s life. My ex has been in my daughters life since she was 5. She is now almost 12. She sees him as a dad. My boyfriend thinks this is unnatural because it’s not my ex’s kid and that when 2 people break up that they leave the kid as well. He also said that my ex doesn’t deserve to be in her life because of the way he treated me and in turn that means also treating her badly and not being a good father figure. I have told him before that it’s up to my daughter if she wants him in her life and that I feel eventually it will fade. I know my ex loves my kid, my boyfriend thinks he’s using her as a tool to keep tabs on me. It doesn’t bother me that my ex is in her life because her bio dad is a loser, the only thing that does bother me is that it bothers my boyfriend to the point it makes him angry. I find myself hiding the fact that my daughter hangs out with my ex! I don’t want to have to hide this, regardless of how he feels about my ex. He has flipped out on my ex on 2 occasions already over text regarding different things (not my daughter) and I feel both times he should have stayed out of it. I never asked him to say anything to my ex, he just went and did it and it caused drama.

 

I realize that the longer you are with someone the more you discover their flaws, and I am nowhere near perfect. I want to move passed these things but I feel myself closing off. I am still a bit insecure from my past relationship and am afraid to get hurt. I know he is nothing like my ex so I have that.

 

Maybe I am being shallow. Maybe I didn’t give enough time in between my ex and him. Maybe I’m just afraid of getting hurt so I’m looking for flaws. The good definitely outweighs the bad, and he is soooo good to me. I feel I can work through all of these issues with him, but I still feel like closing off.

 

Sometimes I feel like my ex just ruined me.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

[Lunay]

I feel terrible even writing these things out. Ugh :/

[todreaminblue]

i think you should look for al that good you says your bf has....if you concentrate on the flaws all the time...it will eb all you see and it will turn you off...as far as breath goes that is actually a concern of mine .i dont want people to feel uncomfortable around me...i feel that discomfort.... and it makes me anxious......i know how it feels for them, i cant get close to people if i feel i have bad breath...i am self conscious about it and use really strong fire power breath spray and i do notice breath of others.....bad breath makes me distant.....i associate bad breath with trauma that has occurred in my life...and so its not something i can really handle.....i do however ...deal with it.....i would just gently remind him sometimes ...or carry extra mints or gum and offer.....most people dont say no...

 

he sounds like a self less guy in the bedroom and those types of guys are rare...hold on to him/...you have a keeper..theres no reason why you couldnt finish with head is there.....after he has saitisfied you maybe also increase the foreplay with him too...is an idea.....and the after play make it affectionate and warm.....good luck...do try the foreplay before increase the time you spend giving head...and he may just finish with you....deb

Edited February 13, 2017 by todreaminblue

[CptInsano]

I feel sorry for the poor guy. Set him free if he doesn't have the strength. He seems like a good guy and deserves somebody who loves him.

[Lunay]

We've only been together for 4 months, am I supposed to love him by now??

 

I have every intention of being with him. I don't know how you can feel sorry for him, it's not like I am treating him badly. I treat him like a king.

[Lunay]

i think you should look for al that good you says your bf has....if you concentrate on the flaws all the time...it will eb all you see and it will turn you off...as far as breath goes that is actually a concern of mine .i dont want people to feel uncomfortable around me...i feel that discomfort.... and it makes me anxious......i know how it feels for them, i cant get close to people if i feel i have bad breath...i am self conscious about it and use really strong fire power breath spray and i do notice breath of others.....bad breath makes me distant.....i associate bad breath with trauma that has occurred in my life...and so its not something i can really handle.....i do however ...deal with it.....i would just gently remind him sometimes ...or carry extra mints or gum and offer.....most people dont say no...

 

he sounds like a self less guy in the bedroom and those types of guys are rare...hold on to him/...you have a keeper..theres no reason why you couldnt finish with head is there.....after he has saitisfied you maybe also increase the foreplay with him too...is an idea.....and the after play make it affectionate and warm.....good luck...do try the foreplay before increase the time you spend giving head...and he may just finish with you....deb

 

I plan on hanging onto him. I am just having doubts.

[Larryville]

Divorce courts are fill with those that said to themselves “he’ll or she’ll do” Always trust your gut or you will be back here years later asking yourself why you didn’t follow your gut and settled.

 

I plan on hanging onto him. I am just having doubts.

 

And in doing so you aren’t doing him any favors either.

[CptInsano]

We've only been together for 4 months, am I supposed to love him by now??

 

I have every intention of being with him. I don't know how you can feel sorry for him, it's not like I am treating him badly. I treat him like a king.

 

Four months is a decent amount of time. I mean, you should know whether this is moving in the right direction or not. It's still the honeymoon phase of a relationship. I mean, what are you going to tell him if he tells you?

 

I do believe that you are treating him well, but that's not the question. The question is whether you will feel as much for him as you seem to believe he does for you.

[Lunay]

Divorce courts are fill with those that said to themselves “he’ll or she’ll do” Always trust your gut or you will be back here years later asking yourself why you didn’t follow your gut and settled.

 

 

 

And in doing so you aren’t doing him any favors either.

 

He's perfect for me in a lot of ways and good to me. It's only been 4 months. I think I have some time to figure out if this won't work for me.

 

Four months is a decent amount of time. I mean, you should know whether this is moving in the right direction or not. It's still the honeymoon phase of a relationship. I mean, what are you going to tell him if he tells you?

 

I do believe that you are treating him well, but that's not the question. The question is whether you will feel as much for him as you seem to believe he does for you.

 

It's been moving in the right direction. Just sometimes I find him over bearing when it comes to my ex. I realize he hates him but it makes me uncomfortable because it involves my daughter, who he is still getting to know.

I feel he does like me more than I do him, at least lately. I haven't pulled back at all yet. I don't think he will tell me he loves me anytime soon... but I will guess it by the 6th month you should know how you feel about someone?

[todreaminblue]

I plan on hanging onto him. I am just having doubts.

 

everyone gets those doubts...counterbalance doubts with the reasons why you are happy to be with him and see what outweighs what....it is far easier to concentrate on good things about a person than negative......a lot more satisfying too...i wish you the best....deb

[Larryville]

L don’t get me wrong, it is cool when someone finds their match, I’m not trying to promote derailing that.

 

I’ve been participating on this board for over a year now and I wish I knew how many threads I have read. I have flexibility at work so this is my guilty pleasure in between doing research and other stuff.

 

Few might agree with me, but when I see...

 

He's perfect for me in a lot of ways and good to me.

 

Seriously!?

 

In my mind that is not true, you don’t get on a site like this to post a thread if things are cool and “perfect” because what someone posts to me is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

I never read a thread and think “that is the only issue”

 

But my feelings are changing for him.. I am afraid he will say I love you at some point and I won’t be able to say it back.

 

and not in a good way...

 

And if you DON’T say it back that will be a gut punch to him and if you do (and don’t mean it) that would be worse and I guarantee you many years down the road (hopefully kids won’t be involved) and the doubts will kill you and he will resent you. All he will see is he is flawed.

 

You have doubts and it’s not just about his breath and laziness in bed either or else you would not have posted here soliciting the advice of strangers.

 

I might be alone in this assessment and that’s cool. I hope I’m wrong.

 

Nobody posts here and starts a thread about a “single” topic or issue, there is always much more beneath the surface we just do have the time or patience to wade thru a novel. So we choose what bothers us the most.

[mightycpa]

Maybe there could have been a better strategy than getting involved with your ex's boss.

 

I think you're done with him, you're just not ready to admit it yet.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I am afraid he will say I love you at some point and I won’t be able to say it back. I don’t love him, at least not right now.

 

As you say, it's only been 4-months. Your are not obligated to feel the same way as he may.

 

He seems a bit lazy in the bedroom and never finishes! He swears it’s not me. I get extremely wet and he turns me on very easily when we are doing stuff, but once I finish (which takes minutes most of the time) he just stops!

I don't know if he is being selfless. I try to be selfless while having sex as well, but also follow through to my climax. Why wouldn't I, right? Does he quickly lose his erection after satisfying you?

 

I have told him to keep going, I have told him how it makes me feel and he says as long as I’m feeling good and getting off he’s happy. Also that maybe I’ve just never been with a guy like him… The only times he has “blown” were when I have given him BJ’s.

This sounds like a selfless guy, but can also indicate someone trying to hide a possible ED.

 

He hates my ex with a passion. My ex and I still communicate sometimes because we own a house together (which is up for sale) and he still wants to be in my daughter’s life. My ex has been in my daughters life since she was 5. She is now almost 12. She sees him as a dad. My boyfriend thinks this is unnatural because it’s not my ex’s kid and that when 2 people break up that they leave the kid as well. He also said that my ex doesn’t deserve to be in her life because of the way he treated me and in turn that means also treating her badly and not being a good father figure. I have told him before that it’s up to my daughter if she wants him in her life and that I feel eventually it will fade. I know my ex loves my kid, my boyfriend thinks he’s using her as a tool to keep tabs on me. It doesn’t bother me that my ex is in her life because her bio dad is a loser, the only thing that does bother me is that it bothers my boyfriend to the point it makes him angry. I find myself hiding the fact that my daughter hangs out with my ex! I don’t want to have to hide this, regardless of how he feels about my ex. He has flipped out on my ex on 2 occasions already over text regarding different things (not my daughter) and I feel both times he should have stayed out of it. I never asked him to say anything to my ex, he just went and did it and it caused drama.

 

I realize that the longer you are with someone the more you discover their flaws, and I am nowhere near perfect. I want to move passed these things but I feel myself closing off. I am still a bit insecure from my past relationship and am afraid to get hurt. I know he is nothing like my ex so I have that.

 

Maybe I am being shallow. Maybe I didn’t give enough time in between my ex and him. Maybe I’m just afraid of getting hurt so I’m looking for flaws. The good definitely outweighs the bad, and he is soooo good to me. I feel I can work through all of these issues with him, but I still feel like closing off.

 

Sometimes I feel like my ex just ruined me.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

 

Wow, you sound a little like my ex. Did your ex treat you like crap? What about your daughter? I don't feel it's unnatural for your ex to remain in your daughter's life if the relationship was healthy in the first place. You know best, not your 12-yr old daughter.

 

Your current bf may be right. Your ex may be using your daughter as a means to an end. Excuse to see you? Perhaps. Checking up on you? Could be. Did you and your current bf talk about boundaries? What is to acceptable and what is not?

 

My ex had her own kids and I, my own. Once we split up, I made no effort to remain in their lives. (some will find this harsh, but if you knew, you'd understand). I was never given the chance to properly bond with her children.

 

Anyway, I think you are starting to see some seems unravel. Believe me, your and your daughter's contact with your ex is heavy on his mind. How does he respond to your daughter?

[smackie9]

It's NOT good if you haven't bonded emotionally by now. IMO if you are not crawling all over each other by now, you are wasting your time.

[Lunay]

L don’t get me wrong, it is cool when someone finds their match, I’m not trying to promote derailing that.

 

I’ve been participating on this board for over a year now and I wish I knew how many threads I have read. I have flexibility at work so this is my guilty pleasure in between doing research and other stuff.

 

Few might agree with me, but when I see...

 

 

Seriously!?

 

In my mind that is not true, you don’t get on a site like this to post a thread if things are cool and “perfect” because what someone posts to me is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

I never read a thread and think “that is the only issue”

 

 

 

and not in a good way...

 

And if you DON’T say it back that will be a gut punch to him and if you do (and don’t mean it) that would be worse and I guarantee you many years down the road (hopefully kids won’t be involved) and the doubts will kill you and he will resent you. All he will see is he is flawed.

 

You have doubts and it’s not just about his breath and laziness in bed either or else you would not have posted here soliciting the advice of strangers.

 

I might be alone in this assessment and that’s cool. I hope I’m wrong.

 

Nobody posts here and starts a thread about a “single” topic or issue, there is always much more beneath the surface we just do have the time or patience to wade thru a novel. So we choose what bothers us the most.

 

You are right, maybe there is an underlying issue. I haven't exactly figured out what they may be though

 

As you say, it's only been 4-months. Your are not obligated to feel the same way as he may.

 

I don't know if he is being selfless. I try to be selfless while having sex as well, but also follow through to my climax. Why wouldn't I, right? Does he quickly lose his erection after satisfying you?

 

This sounds like a selfless guy, but can also indicate someone trying to hide a possible ED.

 

 

 

Wow, you sound a little like my ex. Did your ex treat you like crap? What about your daughter? I don't feel it's unnatural for your ex to remain in your daughter's life if the relationship was healthy in the first place. You know best, not your 12-yr old daughter.

 

Your current bf may be right. Your ex may be using your daughter as a means to an end. Excuse to see you? Perhaps. Checking up on you? Could be. Did you and your current bf talk about boundaries? What is to acceptable and what is not?

 

My ex had her own kids and I, my own. Once we split up, I made no effort to remain in their lives. (some will find this harsh, but if you knew, you'd understand). I was never given the chance to properly bond with her children.

 

Anyway, I think you are starting to see some seems unravel. Believe me, your and your daughter's contact with your ex is heavy on his mind. How does he respond to your daughter?

 

Yes he does lose his erection quickly after I am done. I find it SO odd. I have never been with anyone that doesn't blow! I asked a guy friend of mine and he thinks it's weird too! Most guys love when a girl is super wet and then keep going... he says he loves it and wouldn't have kept coming back if he didn't like it...

 

I don't mind if my ex is in my daughters life, and he did treat me like garbage but now regrets it (of course). He treats my daughter well (my ex).

 

My new boyfriend is very sweet and good to my daughter so far. I have no complaints there. She likes him a lot too.

 

It's NOT good if you haven't bonded emotionally by now. IMO if you are not crawling all over each other by now, you are wasting your time.

 

I have bonded with him emotionally I think, I just can't say I "love" him right now... and we are all over each other quite a bit. Lately I've backed off a bit just because I haven't been feeling sexually satisfied due to him never getting off! It's discouraging to say the least.

[CptInsano]

[...]

Yes he does lose his erection quickly after I am done. I find it SO odd. I have never been with anyone that doesn't blow! I asked a guy friend of mine and he thinks it's weird too! Most guys love when a girl is super wet and then keep going... he says he loves it and wouldn't have kept coming back if he didn't like it...

 

It's not weird, and can happen in a number of circumstances for a number of reasons. But you will have to discuss that in more detail with your boyfriend and not a male buddy, including how it makes you feel.

 

I don't mind if my ex is in my daughters life, and he did treat me like garbage but now regrets it (of course). He treats my daughter well (my ex).

 

Well, your ex is/was your boyfriend's employee. He has treated you badly in the past and is still in the picture because of your daughter. At a minimum that's one heck of a complication.

 

I have bonded with him emotionally I think, I just can't say I "love" him right now... and we are all over each other quite a bit. Lately I've backed off a bit just because I haven't been feeling sexually satisfied due to him never getting off! It's discouraging to say the least.

 

Sorry, I still can't help but feel sorry for the guy.

[GoldSparkz]

"He hates my ex with a passion. My ex and I still communicate sometimes because we own a house together (which is up for sale) and he still wants to be in my daughter’s life. My ex has been in my daughters life since she was 5. She is now almost 12. She sees him as a dad. My boyfriend thinks this is unnatural because it’s not my ex’s kid"

 

It sounds to me like he is possibly jealous of the relationship that you and your daughter have with you ex, especially for him to say something like it is unnatural for the ex and your daughter to maintain contact. To me it shows that your ex is a good guy and this new guy feels as though he can't match up because if he was in the same position he wouldn't do the same. This my explain his ED issues.

 

I had a similar experience with a guy, he would rarely finish during sex and say the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing, when it kind of was me. He knew that he couldn't match up to my achievements even though it never mattered to me, but it did matter to him. I find that when guys have any insecurities it reflects in their sexual performance. If your new man dated a much ypunger , inexperienced woman then he most probably wouldn't be having these issues. In my situation, things never got better and he started to resent me for being the man in the relationship ie driving him around when he had to get the bus, owning my home when he shared a rental, making more money etc.

 

Its only been 4 months for you guys, so I'd probably give it a time limit of say 6 months, and if he still isn't matching up, then move on.

[Lunay]

It's not weird, and can happen in a number of circumstances for a number of reasons. But you will have to discuss that in more detail with your boyfriend and not a male buddy, including how it makes you feel.

 

 

 

Well, your ex is/was your boyfriend's employee. He has treated you badly in the past and is still in the picture because of your daughter. At a minimum that's one heck of a complication.

 

 

 

Sorry, I still can't help but feel sorry for the guy.

 

I have talked to him about it. I get no answers as to why this is happening. I don't want to keep bringing it up.

 

I realize it's a complication but once the house is sold I really will have nothing to do with my ex. The relationship will be between my daughter and my ex, nothing to do with me. I feel he needs to accept their relationship if he's going to be with me, because I can't just cut him out of my kids life. He knew what he was getting into before we started this, which he has said before.

 

"He hates my ex with a passion. My ex and I still communicate sometimes because we own a house together (which is up for sale) and he still wants to be in my daughter’s life. My ex has been in my daughters life since she was 5. She is now almost 12. She sees him as a dad. My boyfriend thinks this is unnatural because it’s not my ex’s kid"

 

It sounds to me like he is possibly jealous of the relationship that you and your daughter have with you ex, especially for him to say something like it is unnatural for the ex and your daughter to maintain contact. To me it shows that your ex is a good guy and this new guy feels as though he can't match up because if he was in the same position he wouldn't do the same. This my explain his ED issues.

 

I had a similar experience with a guy, he would rarely finish during sex and say the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing, when it kind of was me. He knew that he couldn't match up to my achievements even though it never mattered to me, but it did matter to him. I find that when guys have any insecurities it reflects in their sexual performance. If your new man dated a much ypunger , inexperienced woman then he most probably wouldn't be having these issues. In my situation, things never got better and he started to resent me for being the man in the relationship ie driving him around when he had to get the bus, owning my home when he shared a rental, making more money etc.

 

Its only been 4 months for you guys, so I'd probably give it a time limit of say 6 months, and if he still isn't matching up, then move on.

 

That is a good point you brought up that he sees it as unnatural because it's something he wouldn't do. You're right, he dated a girl with 2 kids and didn't stay in contact with them. In his defense though, it wasn't a 6 year relationship. I believe it was only 2 years long. Completely different but

 

My ex was a liar and a cheat, and was constantly betraying me. So he wasn't a good boyfriend, but he's been good to my daughter since we've broken up. He has a good heart. I left it up to her to decide if she wants a relationship with him. So far she does, so it may last it might not. I can't say at this point. I just feel he doesn't have a say in it and I feel pressured when he makes comments about it. At some point he will need to get over it right?

[Lunay]

"He hates my ex with a passion. My ex and I still communicate sometimes because we own a house together (which is up for sale) and he still wants to be in my daughter’s life. My ex has been in my daughters life since she was 5. She is now almost 12. She sees him as a dad. My boyfriend thinks this is unnatural because it’s not my ex’s kid"

 

It sounds to me like he is possibly jealous of the relationship that you and your daughter have with you ex, especially for him to say something like it is unnatural for the ex and your daughter to maintain contact. To me it shows that your ex is a good guy and this new guy feels as though he can't match up because if he was in the same position he wouldn't do the same. This my explain his ED issues.

 

I had a similar experience with a guy, he would rarely finish during sex and say the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing, when it kind of was me. He knew that he couldn't match up to my achievements even though it never mattered to me, but it did matter to him. I find that when guys have any insecurities it reflects in their sexual performance. If your new man dated a much ypunger , inexperienced woman then he most probably wouldn't be having these issues. In my situation, things never got better and he started to resent me for being the man in the relationship ie driving him around when he had to get the bus, owning my home when he shared a rental, making more money etc.

 

Its only been 4 months for you guys, so I'd probably give it a time limit of say 6 months, and if he still isn't matching up, then move on.

 

Also wanted to add that I do think he is jealous, and I do think he thinks my ex still wants me. Which I think he does as well, but I would never go down that road again. I won't be able to go the rest of my life having sex like this, I need more. I am going to give it 6 months to see if anything changes.

[CptInsano]

I have talked to him about it. I get no answers as to why this is happening. I don't want to keep bringing it up.

 

If you can't get over this issue you will have to force the discussion, framed as a genuine concern for him, and not while having sex. No matter who you ask, only he knows the answer to this question, because there could be numerous reasons for this.

 

I realize it's a complication but once the house is sold I really will have nothing to do with my ex. The relationship will be between my daughter and my ex, nothing to do with me. I feel he needs to accept their relationship if he's going to be with me, because I can't just cut him out of my kids life. He knew what he was getting into before we started this, which he has said before.

 

I doubt this issue will fade into the background, and of course the relationship of your ex with your daughter has something to do with you. Maybe with enough time his concerns will lessen. From what I read so far it sounds like a vicious cycle of him being insecure about this relationship, almost like a game of chicken of two people trying not to get hurt.

[jiffysound]

I am sorry to say but you don't deserve him. Also make sure you don't leave the kid alone with a man.

Edited February 14, 2017 by jiffysound

[Lunay]

If you can't get over this issue you will have to force the discussion, framed as a genuine concern for him, and not while having sex. No matter who you ask, only he knows the answer to this question, because there could be numerous reasons for this.

 

 

 

I doubt this issue will fade into the background, and of course the relationship of your ex with your daughter has something to do with you. Maybe with enough time his concerns will lessen. From what I read so far it sounds like a vicious cycle of him being insecure about this relationship, almost like a game of chicken of two people trying not to get hurt.

 

If you can't get over this issue you will have to force the discussion, framed as a genuine concern for him, and not while having sex. No matter who you ask, only he knows the answer to this question, because there could be numerous reasons for this.

 

 

 

I doubt this issue will fade into the background, and of course the relationship of your ex with your daughter has something to do with you. Maybe with enough time his concerns will lessen. From what I read so far it sounds like a vicious cycle of him being insecure about this relationship, almost like a game of chicken of two people trying not to get hurt.

 

 

I have asked. He beats around the bush and/or says it doesn't bother him. I asked if he gets blue balls even, and he said no. I am considering just blatantly blaming myself again to try and get him to come clean.

 

It's possible he's trying not to get hurt, but I've given him no reason to think I would hurt him. I don't want my ex and I've made that clear. I don't believe he thinks I want my ex. He just hates him for talking crap about him when he found out we were together, which is understandable but at some point he will have to move on from it.

[Lunay]

I am sorry to say but you don't deserve him. Also make sure you don't leave the kid alone with a man.

 

Why don't i?