Horrible fight with bf, where to go from here? [UPDATED]

[stargaz]

You seriously think that?

 

 

 

So you must be addicted to the drama and dudes treating you like crap and you accepting it.

 

This is about you and why his treatment of you is ok. If he does it again?

 

Seriously!?

 

Man this site has thousands of stories and real world examples for people to get some insight and perspective but I continue to be amazed how despite the wealth of knowledge and advice here it goes over some folk’s heads.

 

No I seriously don't think that. I was just entertaining the thought.

 

Also nothing is going over my head.

[Space Ritual]

 

But what difference does it make if I dump him. He probably wouldn't change. And I know I cannot change him. I am not even trying. I have been thinking that if he hits the rock bottom then he will get his act cleaned up. But it might be too little too late.

 

If it too little too late then that is his burden, not yours.

 

By the time I hit rock bottom I had gone bankrupt,physically hurt multiple people and done 2 different stretches behind bars in Maximum Security lasting the better part of a decade. It took all of that awful experience to finally get my head out of my ass.

 

And all of that is on me. I would have liked to have said that I blame alcohol and drugs for all of it but I would be lying. I was responsible for every single second of it.

 

However, had it not for me finally hitting that rock bottom I would never have arrived at the person I am today.

 

You are premising this whole thing on staying together. You need to think long term. Long term he is not going to be in your life, because this behavior will continue unabated without any consequence. So you are only delaying the obvious.

 

You would be best served by moving on.

[stargaz]

If it too little too late then that is his burden, not yours.

 

--

 

You are premising this whole thing on staying together. You need to think long term. Long term he is not going to be in your life, because this behavior will continue unabated without any consequence. So you are only delaying the obvious.

 

You would be best served by moving on.

 

You are right. I have seen the problems. I chose to ignore them. Hoping it would get better. What you're saying makes sense.

 

That mean drunk stuff makes sense. He says dumb **** when he is drunk and later on says he didn't mean it.

 

But even if he does change then what? How can I know he has actually done the work? Like 6 months from now he comes back to me and he is sober. There are no guarantees.

 

I guess he don't love me really.

[Gaeta]

I guess he don't love me really.

 

It's never about the other person and their love. It's about ourselves. What type of life you want, what type of love partner you want. If the man doesn't give it to you than it doesn't matter how much he 'loves' you. It's the type of love that's important and this man's love is destructive.

[BaileyB]

In wine there is truth, definitely.

 

Another saying... When somebody shows you who they really are, believe them.

 

You have been dating three months. You don't really know this man, but what you learned this past weekend wasn't good.

 

Now you need to decide, are you going to stay with a man who drinks too much and is a mean drunk? I know what my answer would be...

[Space Ritual]

But even if he does change then what? How can I know he has actually done the work? Like 6 months from now he comes back to me and he is sober. There are no guarantees.

 

That's the thing. In Recovery there are never any guarantees. One thing that people who are newly sober do not understand is that recovery is a lifelong process.

 

The daily problems that we had before we wised up are still there. It is just that we need to cope with them in different ways.

 

I may be almost 24 years clean and sober, but I still am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I am always 1 bad day away or one argument away from tossing those years aside in an instant. And I always will be. There are no guarantees. And that is what is a daunting task for many. Since there are none, many people say "What the hell does it matter"? and go back out and destroy their lives even further.

 

I cannot say your boyfriend is an alcoholic, but his actions and excuses are fairly common with someone with a drinking problem. Each person has their own threshold as far as how well they can function under the influence. Some people are able to function quite well and get hammered on a regular basis. I was one who could not.

 

It is incumbent upon you, however, to set your own boundaries as to what you deem acceptable behavior in a relationship. And you can only do that if you are prepared to follow through with consequences when those you set boundaries with fall short.

 

As far as loving you, he may very well in fact love you. But he may also simply have awful coping skills, which is what I had. i was capable of love, but I also was a self sabotager in very sense of the word by my actions.

[elaine567]

You've been dating 3 months.

Best to cut your losses and run.

Far to much drama there.

YOU should be still in the middle of hearts, flowers and sweet love songs, not be fending off some drunken rant and then considering whether you should accompany him to AA or not.

RUN.

[Els]

At 3 months, I would ditch and run. I could possibly understand helping a partner of 3 years through recovery, but 3 months is really too early to be sticking around after hearing crap like that and hoping that he cleans up that drinking habit of his.

[stargaz]

That's the thing. In Recovery there are never any guarantees. One thing that people who are newly sober do not understand is that recovery is a lifelong process.

 

The daily problems that we had before we wised up are still there. It is just that we need to cope with them in different ways.

 

I may be almost 24 years clean and sober, but I still am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I am always 1 bad day away or one argument away from tossing those years aside in an instant. And I always will be. There are no guarantees. And that is what is a daunting task for many. Since there are none, many people say "What the hell does it matter"? and go back out and destroy their lives even further.

 

I cannot say your boyfriend is an alcoholic, but his actions and excuses are fairly common with someone with a drinking problem. Each person has their own threshold as far as how well they can function under the influence. Some people are able to function quite well and get hammered on a regular basis. I was one who could not.

 

It is incumbent upon you, however, to set your own boundaries as to what you deem acceptable behavior in a relationship. And you can only do that if you are prepared to follow through with consequences when those you set boundaries with fall short.

 

As far as loving you, he may very well in fact love you. But he may also simply have awful coping skills, which is what I had. i was capable of love, but I also was a self sabotager in very sense of the word by my actions.

 

Thanks for your advice. It is very helpful.

 

I think he has some things from his childhood that he hasn't really dealt with. And some things I have said to him has been full surprises to him. I think he needs therapy but he is not willing to go there yet. I am hoping that soon he will realise that it's his only option.

 

About him loving me. I have seen how he looks at me and how he behaves with me. It's so pure and rare.

 

If you don't mind me asking. How do you maintain healthy relationships?

[Space Ritual]

If you don't mind me asking. How do you maintain healthy relationships?

 

By applying a quote from Martha Stout in her book "The Sociopath Next Door".

 

It is called The Rule of 3 Lies.

 

"One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior."

 

It has also helped me stay sober as well. If I know that I an only giving someone 2 chances to screw up on me regardless of who it is, then I am not expecting a miracle. Thus, if and when I end up cutting them out of my life, I am never surprised to a point where I just want to go out and cry into a beer over it. lol

[stargaz]

I have posted about this same guy previously too.

 

People told me to leave him because he was mean drunk to me but he really seemed to clean his act after our previous episode. He talked about therapy and AA and PhD studies etc. He has been working very hard.

 

I cut back on how much I invested on him. Things seemed to go pretty okay. No more fighting and so on.

 

We have now been together for about 6 months and he has changed a lot.

 

But we had another fight. I was looking at apartment for myself and he said he would like to live with me. I asked if that is something he thinks about often and we continued discussing many things but suddenly he said I have manipulated him into being with me. I got very upset. I told him that I have not and he is grown up who has said to me that he wants to be with me. He is acting all bf-like and lovey dovey towards me. So how could he say so.

 

End of that fight he said we should break up because he is so bad to me and he is crazy, so then I left his place to go home. After I left he went to his ex. He told me that because 1 or 2 days after our fight and us breaking up he called and said he misses me and he dont want to break up. He was actually crying to me how hard it is for him to quit drinking and how he loves me and what not. So I listened.

 

He said they didnt have sex when he went there that he just wanted to continue drinking and was talking to her about our break up.

 

I have a feeling he cheated on me with her. Because I know she has open relationships and they have cheated on each other while they were dating and they we together for some years and he had really loved her and though of her as the woman of his life (before meeting me).

 

Now he is talking about travelling, moving in and what not. He says Im all he needs (meaning he dont want his ex) and wants and that he didnt have sex with her. And I should trust him.

 

I dont know if I want to be with him especially since he ran back to his ex.

 

I think the trust is broken and me staying would only lower my worth in his eyes. But he saying how he wants to change and will go to therapy and all of that. That I have made him better man.

 

Please give me strength and advice.

[KBob]

Almost everything you mentioned here is bad news. All you have here is hollow promises and emotional manipulation. I'm 98% sure he slept with his ex, and the 2% doubt is considering maybe he got too drunk to do it. Leave him, this is a relationship that will only cause you pain.

[stargaz]

Almost everything you mentioned here is bad news. All you have here is hollow promises and emotional manipulation. I'm 98% sure he slept with his ex, and the 2% doubt is considering maybe he got too drunk to do it. Leave him, this is a relationship that will only cause you pain.

 

I dont understand why he told me that he went there. He could have just kept quiet about it.

[isolatedgothic]

It seems to me that if a relationship is a solid, good one, there shouldn't be this doubt, and the one you love would never create this doubt. So you have a fight and where does he go? To another woman. It's almost like he doesn't have a male friend in the world. His only friend is this ex of his,

 

I think not. I think that he wants someone, and anyone will do. I think if a person means enough to another person, they will be careful who they find themselves reaching out to. They will ask themselves if this is a wise choice. They won't just run to the first recycled ex they can find, and cause question in the mind of anyone, especially their current love interest.

 

Let this be a big red flag to you. When he has a problem, he drinks, and then he runs to his ex. This is what life for you is going to be filled with if you continue with this man. Your heard doesn't need this kind of pain filled drama! Let him have his trusty old ex. You make the sane choice and cut him off completely.

[preraph]

Look, he is all-around just a mess. He's still going to his ex's. He's a mean drunk. Talking about AA isn't the same as going to a meeting. What he's doing is just concealing it from you more.

 

Do NOT let him move in! Your relationship is crap. He needs to be sober for a couple of years and have a track record of not running to his ex and not being mean before you should even consider something like that. Do not get stuck with this guy! He's just thinking you'll take care of him. An alcoholic loves to find a woman to pick up the pieces.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have posted about this same guy previously too.

 

People told me to leave him because he was mean drunk to me but he really seemed to clean his act after our previous episode. He talked about therapy and AA and PhD studies etc. He has been working very hard.

 

I cut back on how much I invested on him. Things seemed to go pretty okay. No more fighting and so on.

 

We have now been together for about 6 months and he has changed a lot.

 

But we had another fight. I was looking at apartment for myself and he said he would like to live with me. I asked if that is something he thinks about often and we continued discussing many things but suddenly he said I have manipulated him into being with me. I got very upset. I told him that I have not and he is grown up who has said to me that he wants to be with me. He is acting all bf-like and lovey dovey towards me. So how could he say so.

 

End of that fight he said we should break up because he is so bad to me and he is crazy, so then I left his place to go home. After I left he went to his ex. He told me that because 1 or 2 days after our fight and us breaking up he called and said he misses me and he dont want to break up. He was actually crying to me how hard it is for him to quit drinking and how he loves me and what not. So I listened.

 

He said they didnt have sex when he went there that he just wanted to continue drinking and was talking to her about our break up.

 

I have a feeling he cheated on me with her. Because I know she has open relationships and they have cheated on each other while they were dating and they we together for some years and he had really loved her and though of her as the woman of his life (before meeting me).

 

Now he is talking about travelling, moving in and what not. He says Im all he needs (meaning he dont want his ex) and wants and that he didnt have sex with her. And I should trust him.

 

I dont know if I want to be with him especially since he ran back to his ex.

 

I think the trust is broken and me staying would only lower my worth in his eyes. But he saying how he wants to change and will go to therapy and all of that. That I have made him better man.

 

Please give me strength and advice.

 

Give him time to clean up his act. DO NOT let him move in with you. Break-up and let him know that when he fully immersed and committed to his studies, ending the drinking, then perhaps you two can talk about having a relationship...again. Otherwise, he is BAD for you. I see manipulation on his part for miles!

[stargaz]

After breaking up with that ex I know he has been meeting women and looking for women. But they had on and off relationship so Im just thinking same thing will continue. Apparently it was very dramatic relationship.

 

When I told him he must understand why it is difficult for me to believe him he said: maybe and it would be nice (!) if I trusted him.

 

But you are right. If you care about someone you dont jeopardise it in this way.

 

When he told me that he went there to talk about us breaking up I asked him if she even knew he had a new gf he said probably not.

 

My friend told me it looks like he chose me even he want back to her. But Im not so sure.

 

I suppose they would have stayed together if she could have stayed faithful to him.

[stargaz]

Also Im NOT moving in with him. Never ever!

[stargaz]

-- I see manipulation on his part for miles!

 

I suppose he is manipulating me by talking about trips, future, changing and so on?

[stargaz]

What type of woman even lets some drunken ex to her home when he calls in the middle of the night. This whole thing stinks.

[smackie9]

Wow you got bamboozled. He has narcissistic behavior. He just told you what you wanted to hear...he "talked" about getting help, but he never DID anything about it. And 2 months he is cured? no f'ing way. This will take him years to change, that's providing he realizes he actually has a problem, but I know he doesn't seem to thing so.

 

Get out now. This is why his relationships were quick and plenty. When he gets called out on his controlling behavior, he knows at that point he has no control over you, so he starts a fight and places blame. This is what narcissists do. Please take a view of this short article https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/22/3-common-breakup-tactics-of-an-abusive-narcissist/

[stargaz]

Wow you got bamboozled. He has narcissistic behavior. He just told you what you wanted to hear...he "talked" about getting help, but he never DID anything about it. And 2 months he is cured? no f'ing way. This will take him years to change, that's providing he realizes he actually has a problem, but I know he doesn't seem to thing so.

 

Get out now. This is why his relationships were quick and plenty. When he gets called out on his controlling behavior, he knows at that point he has no control over you, so he starts a fight and places blame. This is what narcissists do. Please take a view of this short article https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/22/3-common-breakup-tactics-of-an-abusive-narcissist/

 

He knows he has a problem but he is not ready to get help.

 

I am not sure if he is narcissist. He is not fine though.

[KBob]

Also Im NOT moving in with him. Never ever!

 

So your relationship has no future. Move on.

[smackie9]

He knows he has a problem but he is not ready to get help.

 

I am not sure if he is narcissist. He is not fine though.

 

 

No he is telling you what you want to hear so he has still have control over you. This has given him passage to keep in the relationship.... lying is a tool to get what he wants....it's a tactic. He is pretending to own it.

[stargaz]

So your relationship has no future. Move on.

 

I probably dont want to live with any man.