stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Bf and I have been dating about 3 months. Everything has been going great and he is a dream come true. There are many positive aspects in our relationship. He has been acting like a true gentleman and like a dream boyfriend. Everything has been going according to the plan and just right. I don't have any complaints. But recently we had a horrible fight which started out from something stupid but got escalated into us breaking up. Before this fight we were just talking **** (he was drunk and I was tired) and he first gave me some "low punches", I decided to go to bed because I knew I would say something I would regret because I was too tired to think straight. But he kept pushing me and telling me we should talk. It's all kind of fuzz to me. But he was explaining to me how he tried to get me to talk to him and he felt like we don't have mental connection to each other. And then I questioned him (because his words really hurted me) why he is with me and he couldn't come up with anything or any reason and I said maybe we should break up then because I feel like he don't want me (sexually) and that he don't feel the same towards me as I feel to him. And he said it's probably true. That I have deeper feelings for him than him to me. Then he told me that for the past month he has been thinking about breaking up with me and he knows that he could have better sex and connection (I think he meant it like he used to have it better with his ex) and he isn't having it with me. I was just sitting there and I couldn't believe what he was saying. Because I have seen him being so in love with me and we have normal sex life. I think he just wanted to say all of those hurtful things because I said we should break up. That it was his self-defences that made him say those things. I cried my eyes out and he kept telling me that he don't want me to leave him and he didn't mean what he said and he is afraid that I will go away and never return and I told him that all of this time he was just thinking about breaking up with me. And he said it's not true. That it's just something he sometimes thinks and it's just probably alcohol that is affecting his sex drive and thinking. I don't know anymore what to think. I know it shouldn't be like this. He seemed very genuine that he wants to be with me and don't want to break up. After the fight he was super sweet and loving towards me. And took me to dinner and movie and kept telling me how I am beautiful and he likes me. He has some problems with anxiety and in my opinion he drinks too much. But now I feel like he don't find me attractive and he don't want me and he just didn't have heart to break up with me because I was crying. I honestly don't know what to think of this. He also said to me that it was his fear of commitment that causes him to think about breaking up with me. And it's not something he is constantly thinking about. And he is afraid of losing me and if he dumps me first then he don't have to feel the pain of me leaving him. I cannot really think straight and I don't know what to do with him. I feel like he has so much emotional baggage that he needs to deal with first. I still love him but I am not able to forget his words. They really hurt me. Even he said that he feels horrible seeing me so sad and that it is his fault that I feel so sad. I am afraid that if I stay he will take me down with him but I am also worried that if I leave him and he actually did mean what he said. That he wants to be with me and wants to be better man for me and to fix the problems. I am torn. Help me.
preraph Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 He's an ugly drunk. You tell him he needs to stop drinking and go to AA. He may be fine if he stops drinking (after some rocky months). I would talk to him seriously about that. You don't want to end up pregnant by a guy who is a mean drunk and be stuck with him forever. Wait until he's good and sober and tell him he needs to stop drinking for you two to stay together and go to AA. 2
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 He's an ugly drunk. You tell him he needs to stop drinking and go to AA. He may be fine if he stops drinking (after some rocky months). I would talk to him seriously about that. You don't want to end up pregnant by a guy who is a mean drunk and be stuck with him forever. Wait until he's good and sober and tell him he needs to stop drinking for you two to stay together and go to AA. That is actually what I told him. That he needs to stop drinking. I asked him what's so horrible about his life that he needs to drink and he said nothing anymore, it's just a habit. So I suggested that he would stop drinking and try to find alternative things to do instead of drinking. 1
smackie9 Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 I would suggest you leave him. If he gets help and cleans up his act then you might consider working on the relationship at a later time. If you stay he is just going to give you empty promises.
Larryville Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 recently we had a horrible fight First any couple freaking fighting to that extreme and you are only in 3 months? Seriously? he felt like we don't have mental connection to each other That is a pretty seriously statement and that “feeling” is NEVER going away. in my opinion he drinks too much. If you think he drinks too much NOW not any bigger red flags than that. I still love him but I am not able to forget his words. Love is never enough, you both don’t respect each other, he sure as hell does not respect you. I am afraid that if I stay he will take me down with him. Abandon ship, you already recognize the red flags, don’t waste your time. Going back to the “horrible” fight unless you are seriously exaggerating the severity of the fight. You staying shows more about you and how you value yourself. Why would you stay unless you are like some who are addicted to drama and chaos. 3
SunnyWeather Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 That is actually what I told him. That he needs to stop drinking. I asked him what's so horrible about his life that he needs to drink and he said nothing anymore, it's just a habit. So I suggested that he would stop drinking and try to find alternative things to do instead of drinking. alcoholism is far more complicated than being just a 'habit', and is not so easily eliminated.
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 First any couple freaking fighting to that extreme and you are only in 3 months? Seriously? -- That is a pretty seriously statement and that “feeling” is NEVER going away. -- If you think he drinks too much NOW not any bigger red flags than that. -- Love is never enough, you both don’t respect each other, he sure as hell does not respect you. -- Abandon ship, you already recognize the red flags, don’t waste your time. Going back to the “horrible” fight unless you are seriously exaggerating the severity of the fight. -- You staying shows more about you and how you value yourself. Why would you stay unless you are like some who are addicted to drama and chaos. I think you are right. I think he has a problem but he also functioning. Nevertheless problem. I don't know about the respect. I haven't said or done anything disrespectful to him. But it makes sense him not respecting me.
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 alcoholism is far more complicated than being just a 'habit', and is not so easily eliminated. I know. I have told him he need to seek help.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 I wold not be able to look at him the same way after saying such things to me. Add to that his problem with alcohol, and I see no reason to hang on to this. It's too messy.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 He is not a dream come true, or you have really weird dreams. He's a drunk and a hurtful drunk who's been thinking of breaking up with you half way through your 3 months together. He broke something, he broke your spirit by rejecting what is the most important between a man and a woman = Intimacy. No matter how nice he is from here it will always hurt you. A nice vase that has been glued back together will always be a broken vase. There is nothing good waiting for you with this man. Break up. 2
preraph Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 That is actually what I told him. That he needs to stop drinking. I asked him what's so horrible about his life that he needs to drink and he said nothing anymore, it's just a habit. So I suggested that he would stop drinking and try to find alternative things to do instead of drinking. Most true alcoholics are anesthetizing old or new pain, but someone can also be genetically predisposed to it. But like if one of his parents was a drunk, then that was painful for him AND he's genetically set up for being a drunk, so it's a perfect storm. Most people who are ugly drunks, though, ARE true alcoholics. I could probably drink him under the table when I was young, but I was a happy drunk and although I was an extreme champagne lush, rarely leaving for anywhere but work without a bottle, I was a recreational drunk who could stop for months at a time just to lose a few pounds and never was addicted. Now in my old age, I don't drink at all, or maybe 2-3 a year, wine I cook with. So signs are he is not a recreational drunk, though he says so, because it is mostly the true alcoholics who get ugly when drunk. And if he ever blacks out where he doesn't remember things (and then of course will use that as an excuse) that is a sure sign of true alcoholism. I'm glad you've told him. Now make good on your threat if he doesn't do it. Good luck.
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 I wold not be able to look at him the same way after saying such things to me. Add to that his problem with alcohol, and I see no reason to hang on to this. It's too messy. That's the problem. I don't even want to have sex with him anymore. And in our date I was trying to keep up the discussion but I just felt like nothing I say matters.
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 He is not a dream come true, or you have really weird dreams. He's a drunk and a hurtful drunk who's been thinking of breaking up with you half way through your 3 months together. He broke something, he broke your spirit by rejecting what is the most important between a man and a woman = Intimacy. No matter how nice he is from here it will always hurt you. A nice vase that has been glued back together will always be a broken vase. There is nothing good waiting for you with this man. Break up. Allright he was a dream come true. He is everything I wish to have in a man. But apparently he managed to hide his drinking problem all of this time or I didn't realise how severe it is.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 That's the problem. I don't even want to have sex with him anymore. And in our date I was trying to keep up the discussion but I just felt like nothing I say matters. I think you'll find this event was a deal-breaker. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't stay and try to work through it.
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 Most true alcoholics are anesthetizing old or new pain, but someone can also be genetically predisposed to it. But like if one of his parents was a drunk, then that was painful for him AND he's genetically set up for being a drunk, so it's a perfect storm. -- So signs are he is not a recreational drunk, though he says so, because it is mostly the true alcoholics who get ugly when drunk. And if he ever blacks out where he doesn't remember things (and then of course will use that as an excuse) that is a sure sign of true alcoholism. I'm glad you've told him. Now make good on your threat if he doesn't do it. Good luck. He told me after our fight that he has heavy drinkers in his family. But how long should I wait then? I just think he might clear his act but end up drinking his life away after certain time anyway. He told me that he is not drinking that much as he used to. And he don't want same thing happen again. And he said we won't drink anymore that much. I told him I cannot go through same thing again. So he has to understand that this is a problem to me and to him and deal breaker for this relationship to continue.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Allright he was a dream come true. He is everything I wish to have in a man. But apparently he managed to hide his drinking problem all of this time or I didn't realise how severe it is. When you didn't know him that well you thought he may be the man of your dream. Now that you know him better you realize he is far from being the gentleman you thought so. You don't judge the value of a man when everything is dandy, you evaluate a man when the going gets tough. You observe how he conducts himself during disagreements, how he pays attention to your needs, how he respects your opinion, how he's open to discussion and to letting you talk. I think he failed all of that. 1
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 When you didn't know him that well you thought he may be the man of your dream. Now that you know him better you realize he is far from being the gentleman you thought so. You don't judge the value of a man when everything is dandy, you evaluate a man when the going gets tough. You observe how he conducts himself during disagreements, how he pays attention to your needs, how he respects your opinion, how he's open to discussion and to letting you talk. I think he failed all of that. I guess you are right. But now he is doing all of that though. Does it only count if he acts like a jerk during fights? What I mean is that is there really person who can always be reasonable during fights? (And no I am not trying to down play it).
Larryville Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 But apparently he managed to hide his drinking problem all of this time or I didn't realise how severe it is. He told me after our fight that he has heavy drinkers in his family. He told me that he is not drinking that much as he used to. Famous words.. All men hide their imperfections and issues at first, some just do it better than others. This is why I laugh sometimes when women start a thread and are gushy about how nice dudes are and how they “hit it off” initially and found the man of their dreams... Not only is this dude a drunk, he has a family history of it too. Run, you ain’t gonna fix him, move on find better, don’t settle, the fairy tale is over and don’t let him try to talk you into hanging around. you evaluate a man when the going gets tough. BINGO!
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 But what if he actually does as he says?
Space Ritual Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 "In Vino Veritas" in wine there is truth. That's the thing about booze, it tends to bring out our real feelings to the point where we can no longer hide them. Usually we are sorry when we blurt out these things. I should know, I am an alcoholic. I have been sober over 20 years now but I used to do much the same thing when drinking. I never held back on how I felt. Then I would regret it and I felt bad until I did it again. That was part of the problem. people that loved me kept making excuses for me until I went through them enough times. They sounded the same too "He's not drinking as much now". He is really trying." It didn't matter. Eventually I ran afoul of every one of them. I only got my head out of my ass when I hit total rock bottom with drinking and drugs. You have either 2 choices. either accept ths behavior and wait for it to happen again, or refuse to accept t, show him some consequences and dump him. Actually the latter would be perhaps the best thing you could do for both of you. Im sorry you are going through this but he has to change himself, you can;t do it fr him. He will tll you he is going to change . how many times will he tell you this and proves he hasn't? Only you can answer that.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 But what if he actually does as he says? Well, will that erase the hurtful revelations he made to you? I doubt it. The damage is done.
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 I guess you are right. But now he is doing all of that though. Does it only count if he acts like a jerk during fights? What I mean is that is there really person who can always be reasonable during fights? (And no I am not trying to down play it). I have been in a relationship once with a man that was pretty cool when he was happy but horrific when he was mad. The things he said to me were so cruel and belittling that soon the good times were not enough to make me forget those bad words. What he would say to me during fights stayed in my mind long after we had made up and it was killing me inside. He slowly destroyed my self-esteem this way. How many times can you ear these things until it eats at you? And yes it's possible to stay civil with each other during a fight. BF and I have our disagreements but we would never call each other names or hit each other below the belt because we know words can kill feelings forever.
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 "In Vino Veritas" in wine there is truth. That's the thing about booze, it tends to bring out our real feelings to the point where we can no longer hide them. Usually we are sorry when we blurt out these things. I should know, I am an alcoholic. I have been sober over 20 years now but I used to do much the same thing when drinking. I never held back on how I felt. Then I would regret it and I felt bad until I did it again. That was part of the problem. people that loved me kept making excuses for me until I went through them enough times. They sounded the same too "He's not drinking as much now". He is really trying." It didn't matter. Eventually I ran afoul of every one of them. I only got my head out of my ass when I hit total rock bottom with drinking and drugs. You have either 2 choices. either accept ths behavior and wait for it to happen again, or refuse to accept t, show him some consequences and dump him. Actually the latter would be perhaps the best thing you could do for both of you. Im sorry you are going through this but he has to change himself, you can;t do it fr him. He will tll you he is going to change . how many times will he tell you this and proves he hasn't? Only you can answer that. So it is true. He don't like to have sex with me. He told me that by that emotional connect he meant that he was projecting his drunk ways to me. But what difference does it make if I dump him. He probably wouldn't change. And I know I cannot change him. I am not even trying. I have been thinking that if he hits the rock bottom then he will get his act cleaned up. But it might be too little too late. I also think that everyone does mistakes. I have family history of alcoholics too and I like to drink too. And I have done some stupid **** while being drunk and never done it again. I don't drink like that anymore and I believe that people can change when they truly get tired of their own bull**** and decide to change. I guess it is pointless to think that this was his wake up call. Maybe me crying so much in front of him made him realise his words and actions actually have consequences. But I am also thinking / making decision that if he does this again it will be the end of us.
Author stargaz Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 -- How many times can you ear these things until it eats at you? -- That is a good question which I don't have answer to. But quite long. Since not many things affect me that people say or do. But I have strong trigger for a man not wanting me or finding me sexually attractive or something like that. Which is what hurt me most.
Larryville Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Maybe me crying so much in front of him made him realise his words and actions actually have consequences. You seriously think that? But I am also thinking / making decision that if he does this again it will be the end of us. So you must be addicted to the drama and dudes treating you like crap and you accepting it. This is about you and why his treatment of you is ok. If he does it again? Seriously!? Man this site has thousands of stories and real world examples for people to get some insight and perspective but I continue to be amazed how despite the wealth of knowledge and advice here it goes over some folk’s heads.
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