Am I just being a paranoid idiot? [UPDATE The best relationship,then gone]

February 13, 2017

Hello everyone, thanks for clicking on this post. Your advice would be great.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for nearly 4 years and we love each dearly and have a great life with supportive families, friends etc. We bought our first home just before xmas and it was stressful due to money, it put a bit of strain on us but we got through it. She works as a gym instructor and I am a sea lion trainer. Her job requires her to work shifts and there is always drama associated with it that she brings home and has a rant about. I do understand because I was a gym instructor years ago.

Since being in the job she has met a new group of work friends who go out drinking etc. She is 23 and they are all single and a bit younger than her. Her old friends lost touch with her as she grew up quickly and focused on her career (to which she has become successful) whilst they were still getting drunk and smoking weed every weekend. She hasn't had a close group of friends for a while so this is where it made me write this post. I don't feel like the friends are bad people but they do pressure her to join them when they go out and she feels like she cant say no due to fear that she loses them. Fear from what happened with the old group of friends.

Last Friday she went out and text me at 4am saying they were all crashing at one of their houses as taxis were too expensive and that she would get a lift home in the morning. I didn't really mind at the time.

Last Wednesday she did a 12 hour day and I knew she would be tired and I made sure that she had tea and a bath ready for when she was in. She turned up an hour later saying she was 'chatting to a member in the gym'. I got a bit annoyed as I had put in the effort.

The following evening she went out again for a meal with them and got in at 12.30am. Its hard to settle and sleep if I'm not sure what time she is coming home. I had a chat with her to say I felt like I was being taken advantage of.

Thursday and Friday were really frosty and we didn't talk much. We went for a walk on Saturday and everything was fine but on the way home she asked if I would mind if she went out that night with them. I was shocked and a bit disgusted. I went to my friends in tears (!) to which she saw but she still went out, and stayed out!

The following morning she asked if I could come and pick her out to which I said 'No, you'll have to get a taxi as I was at my mums which was miles away'. The past two days have been horrible and I was close to ending it through anger (which I don't want to do). I asked her straight out if this is the life she wants and she says yes and that she loves me but she's scared of saying she wants to go out with them. She was sitting on the floor in pieces crying as she thought I was going to end it.

I have no problem with it and I am not a control freak. I have lots of hobbies and friends I could see but I feel at the moment that she is taken the mick a bit. What advice and thoughts does everyone have? Thanks for reading

Edited February 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

February 13, 2017

Yikes.

You are now financially tied to one another. You have only owned this house together for about 2 months. I assume you can't afford the house or qualify for the mortgage without her.

Thus, you have to find a way to deal with this.

Going out with work friends, even going drinking, is not a deal breaker if done in moderation meaning 1 or 2 after work & the person is still home in a reasonable time. This is more like huge binge. Staying out until all hours of the night, having to crash because she can't drive or afford a car home. It's poor planning but probably more like a convenient excuse to stay out all night.

But for the house & the huge financial commitment that has you two intertwined, I'd suggest a lot of distance here because she seems to be going in a different direction from the BF she's had since age 19.

February 13, 2017

I agree with your points and I she openly admits that she is growing. She doesn't enjoy her job and is looking at other opportunities as she is tired of the drama etc. I told her that she can go out etc. but just bare me in mind. Yesterday she asked if I needed space to think and should she stay at her mums. Like you said, I gave her the option to have some 'distance' but she wanted to stay at home. She opened her feelings and said that everything has been so stressful and she just wants us to have some fun again and go away somewhere. She says she loves the house etc and was in pieces when I even mentioned us breaking up

February 13, 2017

You are a sea lion trainer?

She sounds like she has GIGS and is not in "buying a house and settling down with you" mode.

Had you come on here before you bought the house you would have been advised "DON'T buy a house with a 23 yo."

I don't really want to sound like some on here who would chorus "she's cheating", but I must admit I do have my suspicions.

She has never really had a life without you in it (been together since 19) she is young, the world is her oyster, she will be getting lads of attention and she wants to party...

How old are you?

February 13, 2017

Hi thank you for replying. I am not sure about the GIGS (I may be wrong) but she was the one who wanted the progression of the house etc and she has put her heart and sole into it. I am not defending the situation but she is very mature for her age and has even said she wants to pull away from the work etc. I admit that she wants to go out which is cool with me so I guess time will tell with us. All she talks about is us going on holiday this year, getting a dog etc. Maybe it is just a big fight, maybe I am wrong and a bit blinded but its amazing what love and emotions can make you say and do

February 19, 2017

Hi

Me and my girlfriend have been together nearly three years and usually have a fantastic relationship. We live together but had our first major argument just over a week ago. The short story is that a group of single people she now works with are always going out getting drunk etc. and they pressure her to go out all the time. They are all single and just use each other to go out drinking. She's been out a couple of times and they all crashed at one of the guys houses at the end of the night. All I said was that I wasn't comfortable with that (because the guys house is the same guy that cheated with my best friends girlfriend). I said I could pick her up at the end of the night etc to save her staying out or paying £20 for a cab on her own,that's all. Anyways, the discussion escalated and its been a little raw since then. I have been the mature one to say look its now out in the open, our feelings are known so lets brush it under the carpet etc. and move forwards. We usually have so much fun together. I have cuddled her and re-assured her that I love her and want her and that we both said stuff we didn't mean in the heat of it all. She said she is still feeling hurt by It all but says she does love me. I tend to talk it out whereas she deals with stress by isolating herself from everyone. They were all bugging her to go out drinking last night but she stayed in with me but it was frosty etc. The only option I seem to have now is for us to have a breather from each other to hopefully let her reflect on how good the relationship is and what we stand to lose if etc. We own a house and I definitely don't want this to end, it would be a real shame, any advice would be great

February 19, 2017

Brushing the issue under the carpet is not the mature approach. The mature approach would be to discuss the issue from both sides and look for a solution which both parties can accept. As you can see, her friends still want her to go out with them so this has to be dealt with.

I also don't believe that people say things they don't mean when they are angry. Instead, I think that when we give in to anger, we lose our filters and say what we are really thinking at the time. The two of you would do well to look at the things which were said and what was behind the comments.

So yeah. Two jobs: Find a workable solution to her going out and sort out why each of you was thinking the things that you spoke aloud.

February 19, 2017

Hi
Me and my girlfriend have been together nearly three years and usually have a fantastic relationship. We live together but had our first major argument just over a week ago. The short story is that a group of single people she now works with are always going out getting drunk etc. and they pressure her to go out all the time. They are all single and just use each other to go out drinking. She's been out a couple of times and they all crashed at one of the guys houses at the end of the night. All I said was that I wasn't comfortable with that (because the guys house is the same guy that cheated with my best friends girlfriend). I said I could pick her up at the end of the night etc to save her staying out or paying £20 for a cab on her own,that's all. Anyways, the discussion escalated and its been a little raw since then. I have been the mature one to say look its now out in the open, our feelings are known so lets brush it under the carpet etc. and move forwards. We usually have so much fun together. I have cuddled her and re-assured her that I love her and want her and that we both said stuff we didn't mean in the heat of it all. She said she is still feeling hurt by It all but says she does love me. I tend to talk it out whereas she deals with stress by isolating herself from everyone. They were all bugging her to go out drinking last night but she stayed in with me but it was frosty etc. The only option I seem to have now is for us to have a breather from each other to hopefully let her reflect on how good the relationship is and what we stand to lose if etc. We own a house and I definitely don't want this to end, it would be a real shame, any advice would be great

together nearly three years

our first major argument just over a week ago

she deals with stress by isolating herself from everyone. -- 3 years and no major arguments? I'd say she bottles things up and accommodates easily to avoid all that which is not healthy and when people do that, everything builds up until they get to a point where they lose it completely and sometimes seem to start just doing whatever the heck they want without regard for the partner/relationship.

So, she stayed home because she didn't want to argue and was being "frosty", which supports my statement above. She's immature that's for sure.

And, if you're feeling as though she may cheat, trying to "hold on" to her isn't going to help. If it were me, I'd simply, give her the rope she needs to hang herself if she's going to.

I'd tell her that she can and should go out with her friends when she wants to, but you will not tolerate her staying at their houses at the end of the evening. She is an adult, with a partner and a house and all the associated responsibilities. She is not a teenager. And, just observe whether she starts to accommodate your wishes. If she doesn't, you move on.

It sounds to me like she's been missing the "single life" and now has a little bit of the grass is greener thing . . . if she wants to cheat, you can't build a fence high enough to keep her in, so don't even try. Give her slack and see if she runs. If she does, let her go. Get busy with your own life. When she goes out, you make plans with your friends, etc. If it happens too often, just tell her that your lifestyle choices and hers aren't in synch anymore and it's time to move on.

And, by the way, you've been together for three years and own a home together. Are you at least engaged and making plans for marriage? Does she want that and not seeing things advancing towards that end? If so, she may be having doubts that the relationship is advancing to that point and now planning her exit. Just a thought. Women do not like to be "strung along".

Edited February 19, 2017 by Redhead14

February 19, 2017

The breather will make things worse. It will prove to her that she can have fun without you & she will see it as permission to drink with these people, sleep at the other guy's house & carry on without repercussions.

You did the right thing when you offered to pick her up or give her money for a cab. It's good that she doesn't drink & drive. I don't mind sleep overs as an alternative to drinking & driving but when there are options that allow you to sleep in your own bed, those are preferable. The fact that she sees sleeping there as her only option & refused to consider the compromise options is a

I fear for the continuation of your relationship. Can you go on this drinking adventuress with her?

February 19, 2017

I agree with all the above with one exception. While you have told her that you're not comfortable with this (sleeping at the guys house), I assume you told her why....at the end of the day, if she chooses to do this or punish you for reasonable boundaries, cut her loose. Just tell her that you understand what she is seeking, no need to discuss and that she is welcome to join her new friends in the single life as she is now single.

This hurts and will be difficult but trust us here, you can't build a fence high enough or instill boundaries in her that she doesn't want.

It might even be a good idea to sit down with her and tell her that this behavior is that of single people and if that's what she wants, its a dealbreaker for you.

February 19, 2017

All a "break" is is an opportunity for people to start transitioning to the single life.

If people want to be in a relationship, they remain together and work on the relationship.

If they want to test drive some other people and go out drinking and partying and have fun without the boundaries and obligations of a relationship, they step out of the relationship.

It really is that simple.

What you are talking about here is basically putting yourself on the shelf to sit in reserve while she goes out and parties and hooks up with other dudes.

Then on the chance that these other dudes weren't as good in bed and weren't relationship material and none of them offered her a bigger and better deal than you, then she comes back to you as her safety net and fall-back guy until she gets the urge to be a free and single party-girl again.

Tell me what part of that sounds like a good idea to you.

February 19, 2017

Hi to you all

Thanks for all your replies. She is going for food with the group tonight so I have made plans to go and see my friend. She asked if I could pick her up at the end of the night. I did sit her down and say that all I ask is that she doesn't stay over at a guys house anymore when we have just bought a house etc. I think that's fair enough. I am not holding her back and she admitted today that this is first proper group of friends she has had and that she's scared that when she leaves the job that they will not invite her to things anymore. I can understand that part as her old group of friends were idiots and pushed her away. I am just going to see what happens in the coming weeks now that I have made my feelings clear to her. Like you all said, if she carries on then I'll walk away

February 19, 2017

What you need to be concentrating on is how to raise enough money to buy out her share of the house you foolishly bought together. This is not going to end well. Deal with the money side.

February 26, 2017

Hi everyone

Me and my girlfriend of three years had a big argument two weeks ago and we were both hurt from it and she has spent the weekend at her mums as the past two weeks have been conversations of blame and anger etc. I am a talker where she doesn't deal with it like that, she will bottle it up and run. I have wanted to move past this but she still seems to be holding on to some residue. We have just bought our first beautiful home and the relationship is usually so good, best one I've had. Her mum and dad are close to me and they say she loves me, our house etc but is suffering from a lot of stress at work, a medical (lady) problem. She is a stubborn girl and needs to book the doctors, change her job as it runs her down. When we bought the house just before xmas it was very stressful time for us both but when I try to get close to her at the moment she is very distant. I have tried the 'love' approach and tried to re-assure her that all will be fine but she seems a bit lost in herself and my usual upbeat, energetic girlfriend is flat any advice?

February 26, 2017

Three years without a single big argument is a good run. You don't mention that the fight had to do with any of the usual relationship dealbreakers (infidelity, deception, unauthorized use of joint funds), and you know that she's well cared for where she is now. So, give her time. She'll come back to you when she feels the time is right, or she won't. You can't control that.

However, consider this a warning sign of future possibilities. If you want to work things out together, and she needs to be elsewhere, this may be a pattern of possible incompatibility that repeats itself.

At some point in the future, if she hasn't taken a step back in your direction, you'll have to consider winding-down the relationship. I can't tell you if that's three months, six months or a year. That'd be entirely up to you. Nevertheless , you aren't married, and she can't expect you to wait forever for her.

If she doesn't come back, your next contact with her may have to be about selling the house.

February 28, 2017

Hi everyone

Today is a really tough day for me. Me and my girlfriend have been together for three years and bought our first house just before xmas, its stunning. Our relationship is usually so strong but lately she had been acting distant after an argument we had. I apologised and told her I love her and wanted to get things back on track but since then she has stayed at her folks house but has completely cut herself off from myself and her family. When she gets stressed she hides away and ploughs herself into work and does ridiculous hours to take her mind off it. This has been going on for three weeks and I am at the end of my rope. I have the support from her family as we are all in the same boat and they are very disappointed in her. I have become so run down because of it all. Our relationship was amazing and we would talk, play and love each other so much. I really don't know what's gone on in her head. Maybe a reality check of the house etc. (which she wanted and put her heart and sole into), some one turning her head etc, I really don't know. So tonight I've made the choice to go to her folks house and end it. I don't have much choice as the girl I love seems to be gone. What do I do??

February 28, 2017

Just end it. If she is in that type of place, better to dump than get dumped on.

What was the argument about?

February 28, 2017

Hi everyone
Today is a really tough day for me. Me and my girlfriend have been together for three years and bought our first house[B][/b] just before xmas, its stunning. Our relationship is usually so strong but lately she had been acting distant after an argument we had. I apologised and told her I love her and wanted to get things back on track but since then she has stayed at her folks house but has completely cut herself off from myself and her family. When she gets stressed she hides away and ploughs herself into work and does ridiculous hours to take her mind off it. This has been going on for three weeks and I am at the end of my rope. I have the support from her family as we are all in the same boat and they are very disappointed in her. I have become so run down because of it all. Our relationship was amazing and we would talk, play and love each other so much. I really don't know what's gone on in her head. Maybe a reality check of the house etc. (which she wanted and put her heart and sole into), some one turning her head etc, I really don't know. So tonight I've made the choice to go to her folks house and end it. I don't have much choice as the girl I love seems to be gone. What do I do??

If its both your names together, breaking up isnt that easy.

February 28, 2017

Before you pull the trigger & start the emotional waterworks, do you have concrete plan to buy her out of the house? Fix the money before you do anything else.

But yes, you have to break up with her. It just doesn't have to be today. Soon but not until you can deal with the finances.

February 28, 2017

What was that argument about? Must have had some substance.

March 1, 2017

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a big part of you wants to end the relationship and are ready to. It sounds like this cycle of running away into work and hiding from you really overwhelms you and I'm wondering if it really interferes with your feeling of security in the relationship?

(Just a quick note, for people with a certain kind of training, the phrase, "I have to end it," means something else entirely. When I saw your thread title, I was afraid that I was going to need to sensitively post the number for the national suicide prevention lifeline. I'm glad that is not on the table, or where you were going with that and that you were referring to your relationship and not your life)!

March 1, 2017

I'm sorry to hear how things are. If your partner walks out for three weeks and will not communicate, then I think you have to assume it is over. I see no point in trying to win her round, you should not have to do that.

Whatever the argument was about, either it was very significant for her or the last straw. Wish I could be more optimistic for you.

You could find someone who is easier to be with.

March 6, 2017

Good morning.

I am heartbroken to say the least. I need all your advice. Me and my girlfriend had been together for three years and only to months ago we bought a beautiful house. When we moved into the house in Jan she was over the moon and was everything that we both wanted for us, we spoke about the future and everything was going great until...she works at a gym and a lot of people are young and there's a group of them and a couple are recently single. This is her first group of friends she has had in a while and she has obviously enjoyed going out socialising but she changed a lot since hanging out with them. She started neglecting me and our relationship, her parents and her sister, all of which she is really close to. I could not fault our relationship but it has done a complete 180 and everyone is hurting. She doesn't contact any of us anymore and has completely alienated herself apart from this group of 'friends'. Usually she is the most fun, caring, affectionate girl. She cries a lot at the moment and looks run down and ill. We had a fall out a few weeks ago over her staying out after a night out and not even texting me which annoyed me (obviously) and she uses that as an excuse saying 'I cant get past that argument etc etc. She says she loves me and loves everything we have but that she wants to be able to go out without making me upset etc. I told her that she CAN go out but remember that she is in a relationship now with responsibility of a house etc. It came to a stop this weekend when she went out (and so did I) but I didn't hear from her until 8.30am the following morning. She got very drunk, was sick in the pub and had to be carried back to a friends house and she woke up on the sofa! This is not her normal behaviour and she openly admitted that yesterday. I asked her to pack her stuff and move back to her parents. This was the hardest thing to do ever and it broke me seeing her sitting on the floor crying and carrying her bags to the car ( . I have had no choice, over the past few weeks I have re-assured her, told her I love her and even tried to go away from her. She is very flat and confused etc..do I now leave her alone?

March 6, 2017

I swear no one listens to Sweetfish.

me and other members WARNED you that systematically this was going to happen.

You need to leave her alone as she is taking you for granted and if you keep giving her breaks she will run you over every time..

March 6, 2017

Absolutely man, absolutely. This girl has other things on her mind then home life with you, unfortunately. Girls like her simply aren't to be trusted and never satisfied, mainly due to the fact that they're so insecure, unreasonable and love playing the victim card. They'll cry crocodile tears but in the end their natural instinct is to lie and cheat. Not saying she cheated, but not saying she didn't either. Just saying that she's trouble and not really worth your time and effort dude. She will most likely come running back to you after she's had her fun but dude, don't fall for it. She WILL do it again.

You seem like a really cool dude and the fact that you got a house for you and her, man, big ups to you my friend. You have my respect. You're what a real man is. But her, ha, she's better off without you dude. Believe me. There are plenty of beautiful women out there who would die to have a loyal and responsible man such as yourself so don't think for a second that she's the be all, end all. With that being said, yes, you absolutely did the right thing. You manned up and showed her that you don't play. You're playing big boy rules and that's a huge attraction to women bro. You won't have trouble hooking up with someone new who's loyal and just as beautiful, if not, better then your lady bro.

Good luck and keep us posted!!!

Edited March 6, 2017 by LitTunnel

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