DidierCL Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 (edited) So I met this girl through an online dating site. We started dating and she was extremely enthousiastic about it for the first few. Very eager to meet again after the first meet. She cancelled the second one due to not feeling well, but she felt really bad about it (and I could tell she was afraid I wouldn't meet her anymore) and rescheduled a few days later. Around the time of our third date something was up though (more on this later). It's hard for me to tell if it happened before, during or right after the date. But this was the first time I didn't get one of her typical nice after-date messages and she was unresponsive for a few days. At this point I thought she lost interest. We made out for the first time, so I though maybe she didn't like it. Then she popped up again, apologized for the absence and said she had a couple of really bad days and needed some time. I left her alone for a while and she seemed fine after that. We ended up meeting for the fourth time. She acted really girlfriendy, which put me at ease after what happened before. Though I should mention, during this evening she found out I never had a serious relationship before (I'm 30). She was surprised, but it didn't seem to affect her after that (maybe it did though). Got another really sweet message after the date and the day after she asked to meet up again next saturday. I scheduled a restaurant. Then saturday afternoon she dropped the bomb on me. Said she wasn't coming. She spent all week thinking about it, all morning writing the message. She couldn't be in a relationship right because she's in a bad place (her she referenced the bad days around the third date). She'd like to be friends, but nothing more right now. She had to feel better first. At this point I just took it as a typical "it's not you, it's me". But I messaged her that I wanted to talk about it. Because quite frankly, I found it a bit rude to receive the news by text. This is kinda where she had me believe her story. She couldn't tell me what the problem was, because it was too personal. But I felt she went through great lengths to show me that it was true, and it had nothing to do with me. Explaining about the context, how it affected her enthousiasm during our time. That her best friend told her she should go for it, try anyway (dating me), and she did, etc. I ended the conversation on a positive note and told her I'd be open to pick things up where we left off, but only if I'm still single by then. A couple of days later, I went back to using the dating site we met on. This site has a recently logged in list on the front page. And a few days after she ended things, I was surprised to see her pop up. On a semi-regular basis. And quite frankly, I found it pretty upsetting. Felt played like a fool. The weird part about it is, that during our last conversation, she acknowled the fact that it would've been easier on me if I was the problem (her own words). She was also very direct and sincere as a person as far as I could tell. So if she lost interest, why not tell me? I don't get it, really. Edited February 12, 2017 by DidierCL 1
Dusty72 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 (edited) I'm so sorry you had to endure this ....it's exactly what happened to me recently with two separate women... Got the the third date ...all going well (that's what I thought) then 1st woman made excuses about arranging a 4th date by saying she was too busy as she was studying , but no counter offer... She did keep texting me , silly , pointless texts...but she was pulling the slow fade ...eventually all texting from her stopped ....and that was that ...I was ghosted!! On our 3rd date which went really well , dinner , cinema then starbucks after ,she said something really strange I quote " I have this strange feeling that there is something you are not telling me ?" ...which was bizarre as I told her everything she asked I didn't leave anything out !! Second girl , well I have written about this which happened last few weeks and ended on my birthday , please read it on my other message titled 'issue with the daughter of the lady I am seeing' I feel for you man .....I don't understand it and has left me so confused and upset I just cannot be bothered to continue this online dating ....I'm getting to the stage now where i think if i got to a 3rd date in the future with a lady ....It will happen again So looks like we are both in the same boat , struggling to make sense of it all Edited February 12, 2017 by Dusty72 1
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 You are making a big deal out of what? 3-4 dates? You were not gf-bf or exclusive and had not been intimate. She went on a few dates with you, enough dates to make a sound decision and she decided you were not the guy she was looking for. That's what dating is. She did not owe you any explanation and you really appeared controlling when you told her she should not terminate this over text. You are very lucky she took the time to terminate it officially over text, most women would have simply vanish and never answer your communication again. People rarely give an explanation after only 3 dates. There is no reasons for you to feel offended. Just move to next. 3
Erik30 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Sorry dude. A lot of people just don't like telling someone straight up they don't want to date them anymore, I guess they don't like the confrontation. You usually know it's a lame excuse anyway, but I get that it feels almost insulting when you have "proof" their explanation was a blatant lie. At least she didn't ghost on you, on to the next one 1
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 You are making a big deal out of what? 3-4 dates? You were not gf-bf or exclusive and had not been intimate. She went on a few dates with you, enough dates to make a sound decision and she decided you were not the guy she was looking for. That's what dating is. She did not owe you any explanation and you really appeared controlling when you told her she should not terminate this over text. You are very lucky she took the time to terminate it officially over text, most women would have simply vanish and never answer your communication again. People rarely give an explanation after only 3 dates. There is no reasons for you to feel offended. Just move to next. It may be hard to believe, but guys have feelings too. Would you be as harsh if the OP was a woman and a guy did this to her? Op - women do this so get used to it. Don't focus your time on one woman until she proves she is worth it. Fooling around and having a good time means nothing nowadays. Sex means nothing. The only advice I can give is keep up at it and don't let this one woman stop you from dating. Dating sucks. 1
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 It may be hard to believe, but guys have feelings too. Would you be as harsh if the OP was a woman and a guy did this to her? I would say the same thing. No one should put importance in someone they dated 3 or 4 times only. Men and women ghost and fade away all the time. I don't approve it, and I have never done it myself but I had it done to me many times. It's always hard for new daters to get over their first online disappointments. But like I said it's common online so OP better hear it like it is. Telling him he's a poor guy that didn't deserve it will not prepare him for online. It's far from being the last time a woman will ghost on him. 3
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 It may be hard to believe, but guys have feelings too. Would you be as harsh if the OP was a woman and a guy did this to her? Op - women do this so get used to it. Don't focus your time on one woman until she proves she is worth it. Fooling around and having a good time means nothing nowadays. Sex means nothing. The only advice I can give is keep up at it and don't let this one woman stop you from dating. Dating sucks. You are talking to a lady (Gaeta) that has been on hundreds (yes hundreds) of first and second dates. She is no stranger to the in's and out's of dating and how people are treated. She KNOWS what she is talking about. 2
kendahke Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 It may be hard to believe, but guys have feelings too. Would you be as harsh if the OP was a woman and a guy did this to her? Op - women do this so get used to it. Don't focus your time on one woman until she proves she is worth it. Fooling around and having a good time means nothing nowadays. Sex means nothing. The only advice I can give is keep up at it and don't let this one woman stop you from dating. Dating sucks. Men and women do this. It's just expedient and they don't want to get into a long protracted conversation where the other person is begging them for a chance. If they don't feel anything for you, they are free to exit the way they see fit. For some people, ghosting is how they do it. For others, they offer the "it's not you, it's me" line. You haven't invested anything that is tangible. What you have done is invest in the artificial construct you began building in the absence of actually knowing who the person really is. That is what you have to stop doing. Take everything at face value, not at "what you wished it would be", until the two of you behave in a way that is crystal clear about your intentions for one another. 3
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Men and women do this. It's just expedient and they don't want to get into a long protracted conversation where the other person is begging them for a chance. If they don't feel anything for you, they are free to exit the way they see fit. For some people, ghosting is how they do it. For others, they offer the "it's not you, it's me" line. You haven't invested anything that is tangible. What you have done is invest in the artificial construct you began building in the absence of actually knowing who the person really is. That is what you have to stop doing. Take everything at face value, not at "what you wished it would be", until the two of you behave in a way that is crystal clear about your intentions for one another. How many men are you aware of who create a fantastic story about how they are not ready to be in a RL because of factors out of their control then push to become friends with the girl? Guys don't operate like this. Ghosting sure, but I've yet to meet a man who acts like this. Guys are more direct. If they are not interested in romance they typically will not try to convince her to be friends.
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 How many men are you aware of who create a fantastic story about how they are not ready to be in a RL because of factors out of their control then push to become friends with the girl? Guys don't operate like this. Ghosting sure, but I've yet to meet a man who acts like this. Guys are more direct. If they are not interested in romance they typically will not try to convince her to be friends. Men do it too but with a different vocabulary by using sentences like: We don't need a label, I want to take things slow, why rushing - type of thing. Women keep men around for companionship and ego boost, and men keep women around for sex.
coolheadal Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Listen it happens just have to take as a learning experience. Women are acting flaky and they're doing whatever pleases them to do. One come-back line would be "well if you ever change your mind and if I am still available which I doubt it, then it's your lost not mine." Bye. Now pull your self-esteem back in and move on to the next women. When one woman fails to win your heart you taken an about face and pick another one. Never beg them back into your life that shows weakness and needy personal trait on you. You would loss all respect for her to you. So just exit out and move on.
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 "well if you ever change your mind and if I am still available which I doubt it, then it's your lost not mine." Bye. That is a passive aggressive reaction that only means you're butt hurt. Which you should not be after only a couple of dates. Also, he is losing nothing, and she is losing nothing. There was nothing invested, no relationship established. If a man said that to me I'd think I dodged a bullet. 1
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 That is a passive aggressive reaction that only means you're butt hurt. Which you should not be after only a couple of dates. Also, he is losing nothing, and she is losing nothing. There was nothing invested, no relationship established. If a man said that to me I'd think I dodged a bullet. Totally butt hurt. Just say "Give me a call if you change your mind" I a light hearted manner. But honestly, with this one I would just say "Thanks for letting me know, take care" Don't let it show that you are bothered. Even if you are.
Author DidierCL Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 You are making a big deal out of what? 3-4 dates? You were not gf-bf or exclusive and had not been intimate. She went on a few dates with you, enough dates to make a sound decision and she decided you were not the guy she was looking for. That's what dating is. Don't get me wrong here. It's not about the rejection itself. It's about the elaborate charade and open-endedness. I do agree with you that I've let it bother me too much. I'll chalk that up to lack of experience and circumstance. She did not owe you any explanation and you really appeared controlling when you told her she should not terminate this over text. You are very lucky she took the time to terminate it officially over text, most women would have simply vanish and never answer your communication again. People rarely give an explanation after only 3 dates. I did not tell her this. I was just stating it as an opinion on this forum. I told her through text that I'd like to talk to her about it. She agreed without reluctance. Sorry if that wasn't clear. I tend to avoid injecting more negativity into an already delicate situation. I also don't need an explanation. I'd settle for not being lied to or even just flaking out. Anyway, according to her words (during the call), we were "past the dating stage". And it sort of felt like that to me too. I guess that's why it bothers me. There is no reasons for you to feel offended. I think it's reasonable to feel offended when you get blatantly lied to by someone who you enjoyed spending time with and vice versa. Just move to next. I have, I've started dating again pretty much immediately. I'm not assuming there's something to salvage here. Was just looking for some fresh perspective.
Author DidierCL Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 Don't let it show that you are bothered. Even if you are. My brother said the same thing. I agree that would've been better.
GoldSparkz Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Sorry dude. A lot of people just don't like telling someone straight up they don't want to date them anymore, I guess they don't like the confrontation. This is very true and also after a few dates you don't really know someone or what's going on in their lives. You mentioned that you spend a lot of time thinking about her, which is understandable when you're into someone, but you end up fantasizing about what things could be like. When in reality, this is never going to happen, because you don't know anything about the person. My guess is that she's dating other people and is not much of a lady for not having the guts to tell you straight. I would avoid any further contact and move on. Don't tar all women with the same brush because you may have flaked on someone yourself. When you put yourself out there, you're gonna meet all sorts. You have to sift through until you find your match
Miss Spider Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 (edited) Hi. I know it sucks but this sounds like a cut and dry case of he/she is "just not that into you". Whatever excuses people make after saying that is just to make you and/or them feel better about not being into it and/or keep the door open because it never hurts. I hate seeing good men/women waste their emotions and time on things like this. She is might still be hung up on someone else, BUT when the right guy comes along, that will go out the window . She's still looking for that guy.... Sorry. Edited February 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough
kendahke Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 How many men are you aware of who create a fantastic story about how they are not ready to be in a RL because of factors out of their control then push to become friends with the girl? Guys don't operate like this. Ghosting sure, but I've yet to meet a man who acts like this. Guys are more direct. If they are not interested in romance they typically will not try to convince her to be friends. Like Gaeta said: Men do it too but with a different vocabulary by using sentences like: We don't need a label, I want to take things slow, why rushing - type of thing. Seeing that you do not know every man on earth, you cannot say with any certainty what all of them do. No. Not all men are direct. A lot of men are as manipulative as some women, so yes, both MEN and women do this.
kendahke Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 "well if you ever change your mind and if I am still available which I doubt it, then it's your lost not mine." Bye. that's a lot of investment over nothing right there. It's no one's loss. There had been absolutely no investment outside of your investment in an artificial construct. That is what would prompt such a reaction.
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