This is a doozy...

February 12, 2017

So I think my situation is pretty ****ty on the scale. My fiance left me almost 2 weeks ago. I write this from our/her condo. She is staying at her Dad's 20 mins away and he spoils her. We are both highly educated professionals (Canadian). This post is a bit of a ramble, forgive me.

About 5 months ago I had my first grande mal seizure, and 3 in total since then. The medication I am now on should control it, fingers crossed. This is a new thing I'm dealing with. Our engagement anniversary is Valentines day. Together for two years, engaged almost one.

She is very sensitive. A few weeks ago she cried when I slept downstairs on the couch, she wondered if I did that because I didn’t love her. I actually had a dream last month that she left me (I don’t usually remember my dreams but this was vivid). I told her about it and right away she asked why didn't I chase her in the dream and got upset (I did chase her I just didnt mention it right away). Yet, she walked out leaving me a note and the ring which I came home to. Yeah, can't make this crap up.

Anyway, the last few months I've been irritable because the medication I was on was horrible (dilantin) and I was experiencing side effects. The new meds do not make me irritable. But that's it, irritable. Not abusive or cruel or anything, just irritable and wanting to be by myself on the couch on the computer sometimes. Again, she is very very sensitive. When I met her mother for the first time she made a point of telling me that. I see why.

So basically she is judging me on the last few months and her interpretation of that. Mind you I have not been myself because of the seizures and medication. However, when my Mom was fighting cancer one of the drugs made her irritable. Not one time did I question my Mom. I knew what the drug did and when she stopped taking it she was fine. I didn't make those actions a permanent part of her personality.

Nevertheless she basically said this was too difficult and she felt horrible and it was "obviously mean and selfish" to want her own happiness. Real sweetheart. Mind you despite the seizures I’ve been carrying on, working hard, exercising as usual. I've just been depressed and that was lifting with the new meds.

As I mentioned, she left me with a short note (I love and CARE about you but we are not compatible, with a heart next to her name - CLEARLY, sarcasm) and the ring. Mind you a few months ago she was gushing about how she couldn't wait for the wedding and I was the best thing on earth.

So this post is all over the place. It’s about 7am. I wake up horrible and angry. I haven't contacted her since last Sun, despite wanting to, and I'm in her condo (which is in her name but I had planned to buy and was paying her monthly). I lost my license so I can't drive. I sold all my furniture to move in with her. I have a start-up business that requires my constant attention. Thankfully my business partner has been the most reliable partner on earth so far. I need to find a place to live. I have no family here. I'm still not sure my seizures are controlled and not one word from her. No, how are you doing? Nothing. At the link is a birthday card she sent me 2 months ago. (moderator removed url). You can see why I'm bewildered, pissed for trusting someone.

So, rambling on, I just am fed up. Life keeps throwing **** at me and I'm tired of it. I'm in Canada so getting gun is really difficult (I would have to do a gun safety course and then apply for a license first) but if I had one I would have ended it by now. For the record I'm feeling less suicidal this week and I can only think about how it would hurt my parents etc. so probably not going to happen.

Prior to this, she acted very loving and caring and that's why its extra tough because I did not expect this from her in the least. Now in the few weeks before she left I noticed a change and I suspect there is someone else which made it easy for her because she was emotionally invested elsewhere.

So in short, I think she clicked with someone at work, saw that my seizures no longer made me a prime sperm donor, and pissed off. Leaving me to deal with crap that I was already having a hard time dealing with.

Edited February 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed IRL names, let's not use identifying info, thanks

February 12, 2017

I am really sorry to hear what happened. It's difficult enough for you to cope with the realisation of having seizures without all this stuff on top. It is a major life change for you I know. Medication might have made you more irritable than you thought, but she didn't stick by you. She should have tried and understood. I suspect that because it is such a lifestyle change that she could not cope with this. It does show a lack of depth in her personality - if you love someone, you truly love them and will stick by them through hardship as long as they are not deliberately creating it.

Please take care of yourself. You are a decent guy and not every woman is shallow like her. I know this is a huge setback for you at a time when you are already dealing with your health problems. Can you talk to your doctor about getting some emotional support from a counsellor or similar? It really is a lot for anyone to handle alone. Are your family supportive?

I think you could rightly feel angry with your ex girlfriend for her reactions. I am sure the side-effects of meds didn't help but it sounds like she was feeling very insecure and reacted to that. At such times though, you need a girlfriend with her own inner strength not one who opts out at the first signs of problems. She just wasn't the right kind of person. I know you will be terribly sad for a while but you will get over her and, eventually, find someone stronger who can love you as you deserve. None of this is a reflection on you, only others' weaknesses.

Please keep posting on here xx

Edited February 12, 2017 by spiderowl

February 12, 2017

What happened is you just found out she isn't a person of enough substance to see you through a bad time. And this is, of course, because her parents have been making excuses for her as being sensitive instead of telling her to deal with it as things came up in life.

I always tell people before they marry to be sure they've been through a couple different things with their partner. One is to see how they are when ill. One is to see how they are when the other is ill. One is to see how they are when their car breaks down. These things will show their mettle and whether they have a temperament to get through life's tough spots or if they lose it or just walk away and can't deal with it.

You just found out she can't deal with it. So I want you to mourn, of course, because this is a shock, but I want you to eventually rejoice that you found this out about her before you had children. Because she is not mother material. She doesn't have the guts for it.

I hope you feel better soon. I have a seizure dog. It's in their sleep. Other dogs attack seizure dogs because their energy is off, and other people punish them because before and after their nighttime seizures, they can be very surly and growling. Hers aren't grand mal. I know you're dealing with a whole lot. There are many out there who could go through this with you though. She's just not one of them.

February 12, 2017

You deserve better. She wanted you for "better" but wasn't by your side during "worse". Cash the ring in and find someone worthy of you!

February 12, 2017

Wow. Ugh. What a kick in the gut. She abandoned you. She isn't loyal. And she's shallow, not sensitive.

Did you see the signs of this early on? Or did you think that her behavior wouldn't effect you.

I feel badly for your predicament. I'm sure you're gutted. I would be SO angry and disappointed if I were in your shoes. I'm sure you thought the world of her, but now those thoughts are upside down and inside out. Very few people in this world are truly about that unconditional love thing. Very few.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

February 12, 2017

Thanks for the kind words. What's crazy is that she was the most outwardly loving person I've ever dated. Assuming the mod doesn't remove the link see my bday card from a couple of months ago; http://imgur.com/a/3tiyi . This type of over expression of emotion was common from her, which made me certain she would never do something like this. However as you have said, she is shallow, obviously, despite her outward displays of emotion.

I have contacted a counsellor. The first week was really bad. I felt paralyzed, stuck on the couch sleeping as much as possible. Of course waking up and remembering sucks. Plus, as I said, I'm still in our apartment and her stuff is everywhere. UGH.

Funny (funnily) enough her Mom all of a sudden left her Dad when my ex was in her late 20s. So there's a history I guess.

Anyway her coldness is what kills me the most. I would have never done this to her.

Edited February 12, 2017 by teddyzain

February 12, 2017

Thanks for the kind words. What's crazy is that she was the most outwardly loving person I've ever dated. Assuming the mod doesn't remove the link see my bday card from a couple of months ago; Imgur: The most awesome images on the Internet. This type of over expression of emotion was common from her, which made me certain she would never do something like this. However as you have said, she is shallow, obviously, despite her outward displays of emotion.

I have contacted a counsellor. The first week was really bad. I felt paralyzed, stuck on the couch sleeping as much as possible. Of course waking up and remembering sucks. Plus, as I said, I'm still in our apartment and her stuff is everywhere. UGH.

Funny (funnily) enough her Mom all of a sudden left her Dad when my ex was in her late 20s. So there's a history I guess.

Anyway her coldness is what kills me the most. I would have never done this to her.

im sorry that this happened to you , you dont desrve to be treated that way.....i guess though if you want to find a positive what you are going through the hard times she bailed out on...was probably the first storm in your relationship...and the weather can get tougher......she didnt have staying power..mutineer........you deserve someone who laughs in the face of big waves...not someone who abandons ship like a rat....good luck..you will find your fellow sailor.....keep trekkin...keep sailin......i was going to say dont take the rat back...lol....but i am considering taking back my own rat who abandoned ship in a massive storm i mean these waves.....were ship sinkers and i became captain.....out of the blue........left me to row my own way home with five kids teens and young girls... and me with mental illness..in a leaky boat................maybe they can change.....rats i mean....here's hopin..they might...deb

Edited February 12, 2017 by todreaminblue

February 12, 2017

Thanks for the kind words. What's crazy is that she was the most outwardly loving person I've ever dated. Assuming the mod doesn't remove the link see my bday card from a couple of months ago; Imgur: The most awesome images on the Internet. This type of over expression of emotion was common from her, which made me certain she would never do something like this. However as you have said, she is shallow, obviously, despite her outward displays of emotion.

I have contacted a counsellor. The first week was really bad. I felt paralyzed, stuck on the couch sleeping as much as possible. Of course waking up and remembering sucks. Plus, as I said, I'm still in our apartment and her stuff is everywhere. UGH.

Funny (funnily) enough her Mom all of a sudden left her Dad when my ex was in her late 20s. So there's a history I guess.

Anyway her coldness is what kills me the most. I would have never done this to her.

Glad you're seeing a counselor to help you through this.

As far as the card and similar, as you said yourself, "over expression of emotion," sounds very immature, like school girls do who are playing at love.

February 12, 2017

she left me with a short note (I love and CARE about you but we are not compatible, with a heart next to her name - CLEARLY, sarcasm) and the ring.

No, NOT clearly sarcasm...

She's cut up, you've turned turk with a whole load of medical baggage that she doesn't know how to deal with, who does?

Show her some kindness and respect.

You have your problems, and they are YOUR problems, man up and deal with it. Your life won't be easy but you have to manage it as best you can.

She is not obligated to take part in any way, shape or form.

It's a harsh reality but the sooner you face it and respect her decision the better it will be all around.

February 13, 2017

Show some kindness and respect to someone who just rolled out on him?

When you get engaged it should a serious commitment. Not roll out WEEKS latter with no good reason.

As far as the birthday card what I've learned is actions speak louder then words. A lot of people can say a lot of great things but CAN their actions back it up?

February 13, 2017

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...

If we were all programmed to judge by our actual experience with these people we would be in much better places.

In my opinion at the first sign of trouble she took the easy way out. She did. That's not unconditional love. Marriage is so much more than easy times.

February 13, 2017

Be glad this happened now. Please don't write her a long letter pouring your heart out, cry beg and plead.

Be glad you've seen who she is and move on. Total no contract.

You'll be in limbo a lot less time that way

February 13, 2017

I slept downstairs because it was warm upstairs, that is all, and I told her that. Also, she used to tell me her dreams all the time, whether they involved me or not.

I don't think she's coming back. Tomorrow is our engagement anniversary. God, I dread waking up tomorrow. It's 5:34 am here now and I wake up and have this intense knot in my stomach, full of anxiety.

Yet I have client meetings today and have to pull it together to pay the bills. She knows that after the seizures I was worried about the business. I left a stable gig in March to go out on my own with a partner. I was excited, had a new fiance, was going to give it 75% for a year and try to get some "life" in as well (while setting the base for the business yet making a decent income), because I had almost burned out the prior years. In July I had the first seizure and cursed the timing. Up to then it was a good summer.

She was very supportive at first, even saying multiple times that she would cover my living expenses if ever necessary. I told her that wouldn't be necessary (which it wasn't) and that I appreciate it. But I made it clear I would not expect that. Anyway very supportive and basically had me thinking I could rely on her 100% and she was invested in me 100%. As I've mentioned many times, and as you can see from the bday card, her exaggerated emotional expression really had me fooled into thinking she could do no wrong. And definitely would never leave me with a note and ring to come home to.

She did not love me unconditionally, that's for sure. I could only have done something like this to her if she did something horrible, cheating etc., and even then I'd be inclined to give her another chance, depending on the circumstances.

The first week we emailed a bit back and forth. So I already poured out my heart. We haven't been in contact since the 3rd, 10 days. Again, I'm still in our place. Well, she is on title but we had a verbal agreement that I would buy in eventually. I didn't right away because I put my savings into the business. However my income should be back to where it was in a year or so and the plan was I would buy in, we would move and rent this place. Now I have to find a place to live. I have enough on my plate. I'm in Toronto for the record (our real estate is for sale to the highest bidder on the planet, like most big cities). Ridiculous.

So in the few weeks before she left I did have that feeling in my gut that something was off, there could be someone else. She swore that was not the case when we I asked after the breakup. But in one week she was out a bit late on more nights than normal (normal - she goes to the gym after work or has the odd mandatory eve work related event). Anyway something was off. I know its easy to emotionally separate yourself from someone when you're emotionally invested elsewhere. Considering how just a month ago I was the best thing on the planet to her, I was so "sweet" and her "favorite part of the day was coming home" to see my face. Agghhhhhh. If she wasn't so outwardly emotional this would be easier because I could have thought this was possible. But I trusted her 100%. Which was dumb of me of course. I'm old enough to know that.

Literally last month she told me multiple times the "favorite part of her day was coming home" to see my face. How can she go from that to this? How will I ever trust another partner ever again? I hate that she has wounded me like this. I may never get past the damage here.

Anyway I really appreciate the words of support and encouragement.

Edited February 13, 2017 by teddyzain
Grammar

February 13, 2017

Hmmmm, your gut is normally right.

If that is the case they normally use something as an justification for their actions,

It really doesn't matter. You've see who she is.

Most won't accept it upfront because it doesn't fit into your fantasy of who you thought she was.

Do yourself a huge favor and believe what's she's said and done.

February 13, 2017

If the ring was paid for, sell it for whatever you can get. It will get you a little cash maybe help pay for some place to stay. I wouldn't think twice about it. If she came back begging I would make sure to tell her you sold the ring and she'll never get another one from you.

Depending on where you got the ring, you'll prob get 40% of the value. Might be enough for a couple of months rent?

February 13, 2017

If the ring was paid for, sell it for whatever you can get. It will get you a little cash maybe help pay for some place to stay. I wouldn't think twice about it. If she came back begging I would make sure to tell her you sold the ring and she'll never get another one from you.

Depending on where you got the ring, you'll prob get 40% of the value. Might be enough for a couple of months rent?

Yes, at least I can get some money back for the ring. But otherwise my expenses are covered thankfully. I'm just dreading having to move so soon. Ive only been here since March 2016. And of course I have to waste time and money buying furniture. I think Ill look for a furnished sublet and go from there.

July 11, 2017

So, as you can tell from my original post I was a huge mess. My ex-fiance left me at the worst possible time and in a pretty mean way. Since then we have been in a property dispute and her lawyers are nasty (the reason people hate lawyers).

To this day I can't believe she treated me the way she did, well I can believe it, but it still is a huge diversion from the way she was before (I did ignore the huge red flags though). Also her Dad has been central to all of this. If he stayed out of the way of his daughter (34 yr old daughter mind you) this would have ended like any other relationship, but no because of his culture he treats his daughter like a 10 year old.

Anyway, its been 6 months and sometimes I miss her so badly I tear up, other times I hate her so much for kicking me while I was down. I've been dating since then but ultimately she still owns a big piece of my heart and it will be a while before I'm emotionally available to anyone.

July 11, 2017

Hang in there teddy. Question for you. If let's say 3 mths from now she comes back and says sorry yadda yadda. Would you take her back?

July 11, 2017

Hang in there teddy. Question for you. If let's say 3 mths from now she comes back and says sorry yadda yadda. Would you take her back?

At the point the op is at I would say yes. It's at the point of indifference he can say no.

Teddy - your situation sucks. As mentioned it will get easier but you'll likely never fully recover from it and learn that women speak of their feelings in the moment. You cannot take what they say to mean forever.

July 11, 2017

Hang in there teddy. Question for you. If let's say 3 mths from now she comes back and says sorry yadda yadda. Would you take her back?

The cons outweigh the pros and I could never trust her to be there when the **** hit the fan, as it tends to do in life. She is not the person I thought she was. So 99% no, the context and what has been going on since make it nearly impossible. However, if I knew for sure that her actions during and after the break-up all stemmed from her backward overbearing controlling father (muslim, I'm not) then maybe.

July 11, 2017

I'm sure someone better will come along teddy. Someone who will be there in good and bad times. I'd like to believe there are a few decent people left in Canada

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