emerald86 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I've been very good friends with two people for the past ten years, a guy and a girl. The girl has been my absolute best friend during all of these years. She has heard my craziest stories, helped me through some difficult situations, and has kept many of my secrets. In short, she has been a very loyal friend. At the very beginning of our friendship, the guy asked this girl out on a date, but she rejected him. He never asked her out again after that, but from the way he interacted with her, I could tell that he greatly enjoyed her company. Some time during college, the guy and I became especially close, and our friendship turned into something more. We started dating in college, but the whole relationship lasted just a little under a year. We found out that we just weren't compatible enough to keep it going. This girl knew about our relationship and supported me all throughout it. It's been about 3 years since the guy and I broke up, and I haven't had any feelings for him ever since. We went back to being good friends, and I even watched him date other girls with no problem--it was like we had never even dated in the first place. But some time in the last year, this guy went through a major transformation and turned into a very good-looking guy. Once again, I had no feelings for him--but from what I was observing, it started to look like my friend did. For the past few months, I've been having this nagging feeling that they were getting closer than they had ever been. And then I saw them one day at a party, and my suspicions were more than confirmed. I saw the two of them and they were...all over each other. I was stunned. But really, what would you think if this happened to you? Considering the fact that my friend has known this guy for just as long as I have, did she really do anything wrong by hooking up with my ex? I have absolutely no desire to get back together with this guy, but I couldn't help but feel a little hurt. I didn't even understand why, considering it had been 3 years since our relationship ended. Now all of a sudden I am finding that it's very weird to be friends with her, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. What do you think?
GoldSparkz Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I can understand that you're feeing hurt especially as your ex is dating your best friend. However, you mentioned that he initially asked her out before dating you and she rejected him. Then after you split from him, he improved his looks significantly and eventually got with your friend. So it seems like he always had feelings for your friend but felt like he needed to improve his appearance if he was ever going to have a chance with her. But your friend should have spoken to you before getting with him to at least understand how you would feel given that you previously dated him. I think both the friend and the ex are being a little insensitive here so I don't think you're being unreasonable. If I put myself in your friend's position, before going out with him, I would ask myself, which relationship do I value the most; the one with this guy who I don't know that well or this girl who is my best friend. As a genuine friend, I would choose the friendship over the relationship. Based on this, I think you should have a frank talk with your friend and discuss how you feel about the situation, otherwise your feelings will turn into resentment which is far worse. 1
basil67 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 It's been three years and you don't have any feelings for him. I could very much understand if you had an intense dislike for him or still loved him.....but you don't. I suggest you wish them all happiness together. 8
Author emerald86 Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 It's been three years and you don't have any feelings for him. I could very much understand if you had an intense dislike for him or still loved him.....but you don't. I suggest you wish them all happiness together. Yes, I think you're right. When I first saw them together, my initial reaction was, "Wow, I don't know if my friendship with this girl will ever be the same." But I now realize this sounds kind of silly, maybe even selfish. After all, she has been the closest friend I've ever had. She's supported me through so many life events--I think it would be silly to let our friendship be affected by a guy that I broke up with 3 whole years ago.
Author emerald86 Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 I can understand that you're feeing hurt especially as your ex is dating your best friend. However, you mentioned that he initially asked her out before dating you and she rejected him. Then after you split from him, he improved his looks significantly and eventually got with your friend. So it seems like he always had feelings for your friend but felt like he needed to improve his appearance if he was ever going to have a chance with her. But your friend should have spoken to you before getting with him to at least understand how you would feel given that you previously dated him. I think both the friend and the ex are being a little insensitive here so I don't think you're being unreasonable. If I put myself in your friend's position, before going out with him, I would ask myself, which relationship do I value the most; the one with this guy who I don't know that well or this girl who is my best friend. As a genuine friend, I would choose the friendship over the relationship. Based on this, I think you should have a frank talk with your friend and discuss how you feel about the situation, otherwise your feelings will turn into resentment which is far worse. Yeah, it is very true that he had feelings for her all along and they've been friends for a very long time as well. I think I will just casually ask her about this, because I don't really know how serious they are. My friend has recently mentioned that she would never get into a serious relationship with him, so it's possible that all they ever did was hook up a couple of times. In any case, I've decided not to think about it too much. Whatever happens, I'll be there to support my friend. 1
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 People do what people do. I have learned over the years is friendships, like relationships are not pure as the driven snow. Don't expect them to tel you everything, people will make choices without notifying you for whatever reason, especially when it comes to ones desires. Instead of stewing over it, thinking she railroaded you because of something she wanted to keep private ( even from you! ) Just talk it out with her. Note: OP you had a suspicion, then why didn't you approach her? You could have just ask her if anything was going on, and reassured her it was OK if there was....then hug it out. 1
preraph Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Well, I see some reason to be a little hurt, which is because they're both loyal friends and neither saw fit to let you know they were now dating. But it's tricky, because you did used to date him. This is a close call because of the situation. You used to date him, but you are so close to both of them that they both know you are not interested in him anymore. Still wouldn't have hurt for one or the other to run it by you just to be sure. But here's the tie-breaker: He asked her out before he asked you out and she said no. So you already knew he had interest there and, technically, she kind of had first claim on him. So since you don't really care and don't want him, I get you being a little hurt and left out, but you can see why they might have wanted to not rub it in your face. So I truly think in this case, you just be happy for them and wish them both well. After all, then maybe you can all three be friends forever, even if they end up a married couple. Whereas if you alienate one or the other over this, something you don't really care that much about, you could lose both of them if they stay together. You can tell them you wish someone had told you and were a little hurt about that. But wish them well. 1
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