heavenonearth Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I (30 in a week) just started seeing a guy (34). After the first date, I feel like we don't have much in common. There are a few things that I find positive, such as, he also likes cinema and seems open and honest. He also is very tall, and I haven't dated a tall guy in many years - realizing it's actually nice again, although this may be a superficial point. We may have a lot in common in terms of values and personal aspirations. But I can't say that yet completely. I noticed I may compare him too much to the last guy I dated (see old thread), who I had EVERYTHING in common with, like a soulmate, but he had depression and many emotional blockades, so it did not work out. I like new guy in many ways but feel perhaps I am superficial, looking for someone who likes the right bands, and who is more interested in politics, for example. Second date tomorrow. I want to actually talk to him about this but not sure if I am walking into a self fulfilled prophecy. What do you think? Is it more important to have a lot in common but lacking in emotional openness.... Or is it preferable to not have that much in common but perhaps rather enjoy being open with one another, and having emotional depth. Personally, i know my last Long term relationship was with someone I did not have that much in common with, but we just clicked on a different level. So i am open to this new guy, actually felt really good on the date. But after being on same wavelength with other guy, I feel, perhaps I need someone more like that. But maybe I am a bit too desperate. Turning 30 soon, feeling like I wont find the right guy... Should I stop dating and keep waiting for the guy where EVERYTHING fits? But what if he doesn't exist? Or are my standards just too high?
GoldSparkz Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 As you've only had one date with the guy, I think it's too soon to know for sure whether you both share the same likes/dislikes and it may also be too soon to get too deep in conversation. In my experience the first three dates are usually carefree and fun...more like hanging out with a new friend and testing the water to see if there is an emotional connection. It seems as though you have already identified some areas where you share common interest so there will be time to discover more, so I would say give this time to grow and don't expect too much too soon. In terms of what is more important, emotions availability or sharing common interests, it depends on what you think is more important or what you value the most. It's very difficult to find someone who you have loads in common with and is able to be emotionally open as most men aren't great at discussing their feelings. In my opinion, you seem like you place emotional availability above everything else, given that this was the reason for your last break up. So perhaps you should have this as a giant checkbox when you're dating and only pursue guys who fulfil this criteria.
5x5 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Are you sexually attracted to him, does he get you going sexually? If your first date felt flat and he doesn't get you going, further dating is largely a waste of time. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 Are you sexually attracted to him, does he get you going sexually? If your first date felt flat and he doesn't get you going, further dating is largely a waste of time. He is good looking and cute, I don't know about the sexual thing yet, I am a demisexual, I am only sexually attracted to people I have feelings for. The last guy, for example, was less good looking than this new guy, but I was very attracted to him because I had strong feelings for him.
Author heavenonearth Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 As you've only had one date with the guy, I think it's too soon to know for sure whether you both share the same likes/dislikes and it may also be too soon to get too deep in conversation. In my experience the first three dates are usually carefree and fun...more like hanging out with a new friend and testing the water to see if there is an emotional connection. It seems as though you have already identified some areas where you share common interest so there will be time to discover more, so I would say give this time to grow and don't expect too much too soon. In terms of what is more important, emotions availability or sharing common interests, it depends on what you think is more important or what you value the most. It's very difficult to find someone who you have loads in common with and is able to be emotionally open as most men aren't great at discussing their feelings. In my opinion, you seem like you place emotional availability above everything else, given that this was the reason for your last break up. So perhaps you should have this as a giant checkbox when you're dating and only pursue guys who fulfil this criteria. Mhh, interesting, I would definitely say that it SHOULD be a criteria for me, but I tend to ALWAYS date emotionally unavailable guys, it's like they are drawn to me like I am some sort of magnet.
central Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 It's too soon to tell, IMO, unless there's a clear NO signal. Emotional availability is a far more important thing to find, though. Things such as liking specific bands specific bands really has no bearing on a relationship - that can too easily change, and says little other than something about superficial tastes. You are right about values and goals, however - if they don't coincide, you'll have conflict and possibly disrespect. The key issue for you seems to be that you will need time to see if feelings develop, and hence sexual chemistry. You need both - as well as other compatibility - to make it worth moving forward. So, keep dating him until you feel a clear yes, or a clear no. Nos are usually easier and faster to reach, so I think you'll have your answer soon if it's negative.
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 When you find yourself comparing a new man to an ex it's because you are not over the ex. Only recently you were posting about this other guy, why not give yourself some time before jumping back in dating. Also you may feel you had more in common with your ex but honestly he didn't give you much. You were long distance, he didn't make you a priority, he ignored you. Who needs common interests with a man that makes no time for you. What is really important when dating is a common goal. If you both want the same thing, if you are both willing to put in the same effort, if you have same core values then common interests is not necessary. Men and women are different by nature. It's nice to have a couple of things in common like enjoying movies, restaurant, outdoors but other than that if I wanted several common interest with my boyfriend I'd have to start watching soccer and he'd have to start knitting. I can spend an entire morning watching cnn and he'll use that time to do something else. Having different interest isn't bad, it's actually healthy. I am not interested in dating myself.
Author heavenonearth Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 When you find yourself comparing a new man to an ex it's because you are not over the ex. Only recently you were posting about this other guy, why not give yourself some time before jumping back in dating. Also you may feel you had more in common with your ex but honestly he didn't give you much. You were long distance, he didn't make you a priority, he ignored you. Who needs common interests with a man that makes no time for you. What is really important when dating is a common goal. If you both want the same thing, if you are both willing to put in the same effort, if you have same core values then common interests is not necessary. Men and women are different by nature. It's nice to have a couple of things in common like enjoying movies, restaurant, outdoors but other than that if I wanted several common interest with my boyfriend I'd have to start watching soccer and he'd have to start knitting. I can spend an entire morning watching cnn and he'll use that time to do something else. Having different interest isn't bad, it's actually healthy. I am not interested in dating myself. Thanks for that last paragraph, that was actually really helpful. Mhhh, yeah, it was only recently that I dated the other guy, and of course I am not over him, but I always take a really long time to get over people, even if it was only a short thing. I don't want to dwell too much on it though, and rather get back into the dating game than sitting on my couch crying over a guy who wasn't worth my time. Just had second date with new guy and it was actually really nice, even kissed. I like him, we have another date on Wednesday, and I even like that we are not doing anything for Valentines day (that would be too much). It's really chill and I like that, so I will see where it goes.
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