Where to go from here...

[Witeee]

Hi everyone

 

So the girl I'm interested in is a girl I've known for about 7 months now. We're studying in the same course together and I met her through a friend. She was always liking my posts on facebook and I always thought she was incredibly cute. But in person she was always a little reserved so I was reluctant to pursue her. She seems to have issue's with stress, anxiety and some depression which I think hinders her from being herself.

 

She randomly opened up to me one night while drinks were flowing and basically gave away that she was interested in me. This peaked my interest also. So I talked to her online and after some flirty banter got her to agree to come out with me just after Christmas. Unfortunately on the day of the date she let me know she was unable to come due to pain she was having. It seemed legitimate enough and she said she was really looking forward to it and we should rearrange. I told her to shoot me a message when she was free. She ended up shooting me a message at new year saying happy new year lovely and that she was really glad she met me. In hindsight I should have taken that as a sign to make a date but I left it hoping she'd say something again. 3 Weeks went by without a word and I hadn't seen her in classes so I took it upon myself to message her. She said she was feeling down for a wee while but seems to be feeling a bit better. We ended up flirting quite a bit over text and I said I wanted to take her out. I asked her when she was free and she was a bit unsure so I told her straight that I only make dates people plan on keeping. So she apologised for her indecision and said "perhaps not this week then". So I left it with "cool, well you know where I am". In the space of half an hour she asked me if I wanted to join her and our mutual uni friend (girl) for drinks and I could bring my mutual (guy) friend. I wasn't sure of the intent here and had no idea how to play it but I agreed to the setup.

 

On the day me and my guy friend went for a few drinks to settle the nerves prior to meeting up with them at another bar. Needless to say she looked incredible. My mouth was on the floor. Like I figured though, not alot was said between us the whole night, but the tension you could cut with a knife. There was some flirty moments with us having a staring contest and playing with each others hands. I ended up really really drunk though. And like I said I had no idea where to go with this dynamic. On leaving to walk home I was walking with my guy friend and she was walking with her girl friend and somehow, someway, we ended up all together with myself and her talking. I brought up the fact it was a bit weird to have invited our two friends out. To which she just looked at me and said "so!". And I was like "well we haven't spoken to each other much all night". And she said "so!". At this point I am a little bit peaved so I get infront of her and I said "what do you mean so?". And we look at each other and just end up kissing. Just seemed so natural. But I was quite aware our friends must be in shock so I pulled away after a while and walked on a bit. She ended up walking across the road and away from us. To which I chased her and we made out more. It was quite intense. I told her she needs to let me take her out on a proper date. And she said "if you like". I decided to walk away because well I was way too drunk to be quite honest. She did text me a few minutes after asking if I really wanted to leave it like that. I just left the text and got home. Was pretty ill the next morning and she ended up texting me first asking how I was feeling. I kept it casual and just pointed out I was feeling a bit hungover but I had a really great night.

 

I left it a few days and then messaged her to see about that proper date. She said she was feeling down again and was off home to her parents for a few days to destress. She said she didn't want to have a breakdown in front of me and that we should rearrange for when she gets back. To which I understood and agreed.

 

I seen her a few days later prior to class and she seemed quite cold towards me I thought. But half an hour after we met she messaged me (while in class) that her brain goes all gooey when she talks to me on her own . I said she was adorable and she said more like severely socially inept. I told her not to focus too much on my awesomeness and that I'm just a people just like her (just teasing). To which she said "I'll try ;)".

 

That was a week ago today. I've not heard anything since and she's been back from her parents for three days now. There's no way I'm shooting her another message to ask her out. I feel I've put myself on the line quite a bit. There is a night out in two days time that our mutual friend has arranged. An "anti valentines night" to which we are both invited. I know she's going for sure. But I don't know whether turning up would be overpursuing her. Perhaps that would come across too needy. I'm not really sure where to go from here. To go and make something happen (pretty confident it will). Or hold the tension and not turn up at all.

 

Thoughts are very much appreciated.

[Jersey born raised]

What does her mutual friend say? Don't be a KISA (knight in shining armour) search the term. Bottom line if she has FOO (family of origin) or mental issues (bi-polar) steer clear. Spend some time reading threads in the infidelity forum. While many WS are not, there are many who are.

[TheTraveler]

I feel I've put myself on the line quite a bit.

 

Quite the opposite in my opinion. You've had multiple chances to get with this girl.

 

For example, she texts you in class. Why not meet after and set something up? Another easy one. You both passionately kissed the one night on the walk home. Why didn't you go further? Quit playing the cool guy.

 

Also, stop getting wasted so you can control the situation. Read that last sentence again OP.

[Witeee]

What does her mutual friend say? Don't be a KISA (knight in shining armour) search the term. Bottom line if she has FOO (family of origin) or mental issues (bi-polar) steer clear. Spend some time reading threads in the infidelity forum. While many WS are not, there are many who are.

 

I believe the mutual friend new about the possibility that I was only after an open relationship type scenario. Which may have been the case a while ago but its not the case now. So I believe she's told her this and that's most probably why she's being cautious with me. I understand your concern and I did think about not pursuing her because of this. But I'm not the type to deny my feelings for someone out of fear.

[Witeee]

Quite the opposite in my opinion. You've had multiple chances to get with this girl.

 

For example, she texts you in class. Why not meet after and set something up? Another easy one. You both passionately kissed the one night on the walk home. Why didn't you go further? Quit playing the cool guy.

 

Also, stop getting wasted so you can control the situation. Read that last sentence again OP.

 

Why would I force the issue when she's already said she doesn't want to have a breakdown in front of me? At that point I had to respect the fact she was going away to her parents to destress.

 

I didn't go any further because I was very aware of the state I was in. I know my capabiities. The only option was to leave her wanting more which I don't think is a bad thing.

 

I will not be getting wasted like that again if I decide to go.

[coolheadal]

Overlooking she's depressed, stressed, high anxiety an etc. Mental unstable behavior signs. You can do one thing for her, make her feel she's special. Tell her you the same but you control it. Tell her your counting on her to be available and show-up. No excuses you will not stand for. She needs to pull herself together and get out of the house. I have one woman that has the same sort of behavior. I got to show Friday night, she was excited to see me again. Have her over put in a comedy movie seems to work wonders for these mental disorder women. Try holding her hands giving her a kiss on the hand. Again give her a lot of attention. Make her feel comfortable. If you do all of this she'll want to come out with you and stop with the excuses. Another hint massage her shoulders release tension if present. You got to do what it takes if you want to be with her she'll never change but you can make her life a bit more happier than it is now.

[Witeee]

Overlooking she's depressed, stressed, high anxiety an etc. Mental unstable behavior signs. You can do one thing for her, make her feel she's special. Tell her you the same but you control it. Tell her your counting on her to be available and show-up. No excuses you will not stand for. She needs to pull herself together and get out of the house. I have one woman that has the same sort of behavior. I got to show Friday night, she was excited to see me again. Have her over put in a comedy movie seems to work wonders for these mental disorder women. Try holding her hands giving her a kiss on the hand. Again give her a lot of attention. Make her feel comfortable. If you do all of this she'll want to come out with you and stop with the excuses. Another hint massage her shoulders release tension if present. You got to do what it takes if you want to be with her she'll never change but you can make her life a bit more happier than it is now.

 

I like that. A very mature way of looking at things. What can I do for her rather than what she can do for me. I personally use meditation, epsom salt baths, floatation tanks and I'm quite into buddhist teachings so I know on some level I would be great for her. That isn't to say my intention is to "fix her". Right now all I can focus on is the fact I just can't wait to kiss her again!

[smackie9]

Just do what's in the player's handbook....the push and pull method. You are already doing it pretty much, but like the other poster said, you need to be more persistent with her....so a little more push.

 

People who suffer from depression and anxiety, need someone to take the lead and reassure them (all the time). Be confident/a little cocky/tease, but leave the emotions at home.

[Witeee]

Just do what's in the player's handbook....the push and pull method. You are already doing it pretty much, but like the other poster said, you need to be more persistent with her....so a little more push.

 

People who suffer from depression and anxiety, need someone to take the lead and reassure them (all the time). Be confident/a little cocky/tease, but leave the emotions at home.

 

A little more push as in push away? Or push forward?

[Witeee]

Hi,

 

So this girl I discussed in my last thread. Things have progressed since then. She is in my college course. We have known each other properly for a good 6 months now through a mutual friend. We havent really talked much until December there but there were always some flirty glances and she was always liking everything I posted on Facebook.

 

I ended up asking her out and she ended up cancelling twice even though she still seemed keen. So we ended up going out with two mutual friends and at the end of the night ended up kissing quite passionately.

 

After this she seemed to back off a little but there were still clear signals coming from her that she was interested. So I asked her out again and she said yes but only when she got back from her home town.

 

The next week I told her to meet me on a Sunday and she said she was going out Saturday night and would probably be a bit hungover and she was just letting me know. I told her the time and place and she said "I love how you think I've said yes ;)". So I responded with "I love that too".

 

I got no response and Saturday night came. I was in work that evening and recieved a message from her friend saying she was out and asking a group of us to come out. And from her directly asking if I fancied coming out. This was around 10:30pm. So I was in two minds whether to head out knowing it would only be me her and the friend. I was very aware even though she was opening up for me to come that I was going to be perceived a little on the desperate side for showing up when she clicks her fingers.

 

At the advice of some work colleges (guys of course) they told me to go for it. So that I did.

 

She seemed cold to me to begin with which was unsurprising. But at the bar a few girls ended up chatting to me which caught her eye I'm sure. I just kept it short and headed to sit with her. I tried talking to her a bit but she kept looking at her phone and so I interacted mainly with her friend. Who's incredibly energetic so it was easy going in that respect. There was a big space between me and my intended due to a soggy seat! But when the friend went away I rearranged things and got her to sit closer.

 

Her friend came back and then this other random girl sits beside me and pulls me over to her. She is a bit crude and starts talking sexual to me. My intended can't hear but she quickly moves away from beside me and over to her friend. Looking quite dejected. I shrugged off the girl and when my intendeds friend went away I looked at her as if to say "why did you move" and she nods over at this other girl. I kind of smirk and shake my head. So I grab her and put her back beside me. I asked her "why are you being silly" and she shrugs. So I go in for the kiss.

 

It progresses from there with some leg stroking and hand touching and more kissing. The friend ended up leaving because we were so on. I asked her back to my place and she smiled and nodded. I said right I'm going to get my coat. To which she said "are you sure" (obv referring to going back) but I just said "yeh its cold I need my jacket" .

 

We have a good laugh on the way to the taxi. Alot of flirting. We get back to mine and talk for a while on the couch and she's really open with me about herself. We end up kissing and in the bedroom. After the indoor olympics we get under the covers and we're stroking each other romantically and holding hands etc. She's telling me about her home town and how she loves it. She asks if after college I would ever consider moving out of the city. And she says things like "you'll get use to it" in regards to some of her quirks. She falls asleep in my arms and for the life of me I can't get to sleep. So I just hold her. For like 5 hours I was awake!! She would get too warm and end up rolling away but waking up and coming straight back over to me. It was really sweet. So yeh I pretty much caught all kinds of feelings for this girl. Which isn't like me.

 

In the morning she was still asking questions and opening up. But quite a bit hungover. She never kissed me though which I thought was weird. I'd let out a natural sigh now and again and she'd always ask "are you ok". Which I thought was her getting a bit anxious about where she stood.

 

She stayed in bed with me for ages. I don't think she would have left hadn't I made a move to get up! Tbh I didn't even want her to. But as she was getting ready she asked if I was glad I came out the night before. So I was like yeh... are you glad I came out and she said yeh. Such an emotional rollercoaster

 

The taxi came and she didn't look like she was going to kiss me but I went in and kissed her. She smiled and left.

 

I sent a message later saying I had a great time and she replied she enjoyed hersef too.

 

NOW this is where my heart took over my head. And everything I know about women goes out the window. I seen her in class 2 days after and it was a little awkward. I noticed she seen me and put her head down and into her phone. And as I walked by she only then picked her head up to say hi. So I said hey and stood a wee bit away as to not crowd her. Our mutual friend was there too looking back and forth at us as if "whats going to happen!!". I went up to sign the register at the end of class and spoke to her making a joke but she seemed really off. So I just left.

 

My friends and I discussed it and decided I would just back off and wait till she came to me. Now this was solid advice. To which I wish I could go back in time and adhere to.

 

Later that evening my mind goes into overrdrive. And I conclude the only reason she must be backing off is because she's aware I'm only into open relationships. Our mutual friend new this a while ago but its no longer something I was into.

 

So I construct a message saying that I know you haven't asked but I get the sense you're thinking about this and since you were so open and affectionate with me I feel the need to be equally open. And I state that open relationships aren't me and that I don't want her to be scared about opening up to me thinking it isn't going to go anywhere. I told her having her lying in my arms was amazing...

 

So she responded how every woman in that situation is going to respond. With rejection. She told me she wasn't really thinking about me and her and that she does these things alot with her friends. So I've not to worry she's not going to turn into a psycho stalker.

 

So I tell her I think she's amazing and I want her. (not relationship wise just attraction wise). And that if she wants to get together just let me know and we'll plan something.

 

She then creates a big message saying that because I've shown my intentions she feels the need to be fair and show hers. She's not looking for anything serious or casual and doesn't see "really being anymore than friends". She doesn't want to give me hope that something will happen when it won't. She says shes a mess at the moment and says she's sorry. Basically shutting the door on me completely here.

 

So I then tell her she's seriously overthinking this and that I'm not actually asking her for anything. I tell her friends doesn't work for me and if she changes her mind and wants to hang out to let me know. Otherwise I'll see you around.

 

And thats it.

 

After 2 months chasing this girl I go and scare her off with an idiotic move like that. What the hell was I thinking?! I'm so annoyed at myself. I know she has guys that have came on strong with her before and that's exactly her response. After seeing the way she was with me that night it's hard for me to believe she doesn't have feelings for me. Nobody can fake it like that. The way she would stroke my arms and face, kiss my chest and carress my hands and hinting at a future with us. It's like a 180 reversal.

 

So any takers for advising on this mess? I know the move is to walk away and not look back. Thats a given. But just some insight and wisdom would be ideal.

[GemmaUK]

She isn't interested and moreso she doesn't like being told to meet.

 

Simple as that.

 

I don't like that kind of thing either.

I have a choice in who I meet/date.spend time with/talk to.

I'm a human being with my own choices.

So is she.

I think you might have forgotten that part.

 

She is not your 'intended'.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

My advice would be to not let this one bad experience put you off laying your cards on the table and being honest, because it is an attractive quality to many women.

 

If she had been interested, the things you said would probably have given her butterflies, but at least you know where you stand now.

 

However, I would caution you that given her past behavior she might start using you for an ego rub (especially if she has been drinking). If she starts acting flirty, please do not fall for it. She has made it clear you are in the friendzone, so it won't be genuine.

 

The best thing you can do is put her in the friendzone as well, and find someone else.

[smackie9]

Never let them see you turn into a puddle of goo and get all sappy. Plus, never lay in bed unless sex is on the table or at least make an attempt to have sex. You turned into a cuddle %^&$# and that my friend is the kiss of death.

 

Lust/passion/confidence/ first, establish sexual relationship, then romantic goo.

 

I can't count how many times that guys got too sappy too soon and the attraction turning off like someone flipped a switch.

 

Push and pull method....push in with sexual desire/ pull back by being cool and aloof.

 

You should have gotten up out of that bed and went home.

[Witeee]

Never let them see you turn into a puddle of goo and get all sappy. Plus, never lay in bed unless sex is on the table or at least make an attempt to have sex. You turned into a cuddle %^&$# and that my friend is the kiss of death.

 

Lust/passion/confidence/ first, establish sexual relationship, then romantic goo.

 

I can't count how many times that guys got too sappy too soon and the attraction turning off like someone flipped a switch.

 

Push and pull method....push in with sexual desire/ pull back by being cool and aloof.

 

You should have gotten up out of that bed and went home.

 

We had sex. Sorry I thought that was a given when I said bedroom... It was my bed btw she was at my place. I'm totally with you on the sappy thing. The worst thing is I know this stuff. It was as if someone else took control and sent that ridiculous message.

[smackie9]

There are people who have "hot/cold" personalities that run when insecurity sets in. It's a type of condition, that seems to be connected to people who suffer from anxiety/depression. When things become intense and good they are hot and all over you, but then boom, they get overwhelmed with insecurity/feelings of doom, they pull back turn cold.

 

This is what I think could be going on. It's not you, it's her. Most psychologists recommend you run for the hills for there is no stability and only confusion when dating this type of person and you can't help or change them. Would explain why she has never really had a long lasting solid relationship with anyone.

[Witeee]

There are people who have "hot/cold" personalities that run when insecurity sets in. It's a type of condition, that seems to be connected to people who suffer from anxiety/depression. When things become intense and good they are hot and all over you, but then boom, they get overwhelmed with insecurity/feelings of doom, they pull back turn cold.

 

This is what I think could be going on. It's not you, it's her. Most psychologists recommend you run for the hills for there is no stability and only confusion when dating this type of person and you can't help or change them. Would explain why she has never really had a long lasting solid relationship with anyone.

 

That's pretty much the way me and my close friend see's it. I'm impressed you've got that spot on from the information I've provided here. Like I said I can't see her not having feelings for me considering the two month long build up and the amount of evidence I have to show for it. I have never had a girl be that affectionate towards me after sleeping with them for the first time. Which is probably another reason why I felt I could legitimately share what I did. I felt I was matching her vibe in some way. And not being abe to understand her standoffish nature really threw me.