marinero Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 I have a 6 year old daughter I have been blocked from seeing since she was a baby. Her mother was going through a divorce and legally separated when I got her pregnant. She reconciled with her husband and their state found it to be in the best interests of my daughter if her husband remained the legal father because they have other kids and I lived in a different state. My girlfriend knew about this and understands how much that hurt me. Also, she cannot have her own kids. So she prefers men who don't have kids. That is understandable. But i occasionally look at pics of my daughter on Facebook just to make sure she is alive and healthy and because I am curious. Well one night my girlfriend seemed upset. So I asked if she was worried I would start seeing my daughter one day. She said yes. Then she said if years down the road I started flying out to visit my daughter on a regular basis, then my girlfriend would no longer date me because she wants to be someone's priority and it hurts her to see her boyfriends have a bond with their kid. So this sounded to me like an ultimatum -- me or your daughter. What was upsetting to me about this was that I have no bond with my daughter. But here I was being threatened with a breakup if I ever had the chance to have one. But i let it go until the day I ended the relationship, just a week later. I only mentioned it because she thinks it's ok to fly to the same state to visit her ex boyfriend who is her best friend from time to time when they have not been ignoring each other. I said it was a double standard. But last week, I tried to make peace with her. She lashed out and said I unfairly accused her of restricting me from seeing my daughter after only a few months of dating. She said it was a hypothetical and therefore not fair to use against her because she is not on in a real position to even have the opportunity to restrict me, so I should have let her stay in the real world and not force her into a hypothetical. Ok so my question is did I unfairly accuse her of something? It seems cut and dry to me that she was warning me to not develop a relationship with my daughter in the future if I wanted to remain her boyfriend. Can you understand her reasoning for saying I unfairly accused her?
preraph Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 The whole argument sounds stupid. She probably is afraid of you becoming a father to your daughter, but that's not going to happen, at least until she's 18. She probably envisions your whole life changing with the daughter being the priority, which if you were fathering her, it would change. But again, she just said it's all hypothetical and it is. So why break up over that? But the talk you need to have is whether she wants kids or not, because she may not want kids and you may. So find that out. If you're on the same page, put this behind you.
angel.eyes Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 Bullet dodged!!! It's mind-blowing that she would be upset at you wanting a relationship with your own daughter! As for her flying out to visit her ex "from time to time?":eek: What?!?!? Again, bullet dodged. I am on friendly terms with all my exes. But no way, would I ever waste my money flying anywhere specifically to see them (and for perspective I travel a lot). I'm just no longer emotionally invested in what they do with themselves. If we randomly bump into each other, great. But otherwise, I have better, more important uses for my time--like seeing my (current) boyfriend.
Author marinero Posted February 11, 2017 Author Posted February 11, 2017 Bullet dodged!!! It's mind-blowing that she would be upset at you wanting a relationship with your own daughter! As for her flying out to visit her ex "from time to time?":eek: What?!?!? Again, bullet dodged. I am on friendly terms with all my exes. But no way, would I ever waste my money flying anywhere specifically to see them (and for perspective I travel a lot). I'm just no longer emotionally invested in what they do with themselves. If we randomly bump into each other, great. But otherwise, I have better, more important uses for my time--like seeing my (current) boyfriend. Ya, I didn't breakup over this issue. She brought it up after the breakup to make me look bad. She said I had made assumptions and thrown a hissy fit. None of this was true. It was actually her boundaries about exes and opposite sex friends that caused me to see us as incompatible. Somehow she thinks it was everything under the sun other than that lol. I was just wondering if I was missing something about this particular situation with my daughter. She mentioned it twice. There were other things sh said that were just not true. It was her making assumptions and pouting about things and then she thought it was me. I can't understand how she got it so mixed up. She even started saying things that never happened and things I never said. I am really confused. Don't know if she is crazy or just messing with my head because she is mad at me for calling her out on things.
angel.eyes Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 The good news is she's now an ex. You no longer have to deal with figuring out if she's crazy or just messing with you.
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 Ya, I didn't breakup over this issue. She brought it up after the breakup to make me look bad. She said I had made assumptions and thrown a hissy fit. None of this was true. It was actually her boundaries about exes and opposite sex friends that caused me to see us as incompatible. Somehow she thinks it was everything under the sun other than that lol. I was just wondering if I was missing something about this particular situation with my daughter. She mentioned it twice. There were other things sh said that were just not true. It was her making assumptions and pouting about things and then she thought it was me. I can't understand how she got it so mixed up. She even started saying things that never happened and things I never said. I am really confused. Don't know if she is crazy or just messing with my head because she is mad at me for calling her out on things. YOU broke up with her. so of course she is mad at you, anger is all part of the grieving process. Leave her alone. The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost.
Author marinero Posted February 11, 2017 Author Posted February 11, 2017 YOU broke up with her. so of course she is mad at you, anger is all part of the grieving process. Leave her alone. . When someone accuses me of things that are not true, I tend to defend myself. Just sayin.
mikeylo Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Not everyone has a motherly or fatherly streak to them. Your daughter is already not in your life and while you are keeping your hope alive, this woman wanted you to forget about your child. Deal breaker for many. There are many people who adopt kids.They crave kids and give them their all.There are those whose step parents are more lovable than bio parents.Then there are those, who alienate you from your own kids. You did the right thing by dumping her.
Ronni_W Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Can you understand her reasoning for saying I unfairly accused her? No; no I can't understand her 'reasoning'. She sounds to have a petty, jealous, selfish, self-entitled and narcissistic personality - so, one is seldom, if ever, going to find generally-accepted logic in their particular brand of 'reasoning'. . As angel.eyes said, you have dodged a major bullet, here. If you possibly can, don't give her or that old relationship another thought; it's just not worthwhile of your Energy, time, attention and focus. I'm sorry for all you've been through, as a parent. 1
spiderowl Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 It sounds like she was talking theoretically and you were taking her seriously. She could have 'theoretically' said she would understand if you wanted a relationship with your daughter, but she didn't. She is hurt because you broke up with her and is now thinking this is because of what she said. If you want to try to reconcile with her - and I am not getting the impression you do - then you need to assure her that although that was a consideration which you felt was a warning from her, the reason you broke up with her was because you felt insecure about her boundaries. If you do want to reconcile, you both need to talk about deep-down feelings and vulnerability, not make accusations towards each other.
Redhead14 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I have a 6 year old daughter I have been blocked from seeing since she was a baby. Her mother was going through a divorce and legally separated when I got her pregnant. She reconciled with her husband and their state found it to be in the best interests of my daughter if her husband remained the legal father because they have other kids and I lived in a different state. My girlfriend knew about this and understands how much that hurt me. Also, she cannot have her own kids. So she prefers men who don't have kids. That is understandable. But i occasionally look at pics of my daughter on Facebook just to make sure she is alive and healthy and because I am curious. Well one night my girlfriend seemed upset. So I asked if she was worried I would start seeing my daughter one day. She said yes. Then she said if years down the road I started flying out to visit my daughter on a regular basis, then my girlfriend would no longer date me because she wants to be someone's priority and it hurts her to see her boyfriends have a bond with their kid. So this sounded to me like an ultimatum -- me or your daughter. What was upsetting to me about this was that I have no bond with my daughter. But here I was being threatened with a breakup if I ever had the chance to have one. But i let it go until the day I ended the relationship, just a week later. I only mentioned it because she thinks it's ok to fly to the same state to visit her ex boyfriend who is her best friend from time to time when they have not been ignoring each other. I said it was a double standard. But last week, I tried to make peace with her. She lashed out and said I unfairly accused her of restricting me from seeing my daughter after only a few months of dating. She said it was a hypothetical and therefore not fair to use against her because she is not on in a real position to even have the opportunity to restrict me, so I should have let her stay in the real world and not force her into a hypothetical. Ok so my question is did I unfairly accuse her of something? It seems cut and dry to me that she was warning me to not develop a relationship with my daughter in the future if I wanted to remain her boyfriend. Can you understand her reasoning for saying I unfairly accused her? it hurts her to see her boyfriends have a bond with their kid -- This statement, right here, is the heart of the issue. She cannot "backtrack" on this one. She said it was a hypothetical -- There is nothing "hypothetical" about the statement above. That is a here and now statement. She has no business dating a man who has children if she cannot be supportive of his obligation to his children. She is a selfish woman and will guilt you anytime you spend time with your children. She is full of entitlement and insecurity and is controlling. she was warning me to not develop a relationship with my daughter in the future -- Yep, she was.
Author marinero Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 No; no I can't understand her 'reasoning'. She sounds to have a petty, jealous, selfish, self-entitled and narcissistic personality - so, one is seldom, if ever, going to find generally-accepted logic in their particular brand of 'reasoning'. . As angel.eyes said, you have dodged a major bullet, here. If you possibly can, don't give her or that old relationship another thought; it's just not worthwhile of your Energy, time, attention and focus. I'm sorry for all you've been through, as a parent. I know. I didn't want to see this truth. I kept making excuses for her because there are things I liked about her too. As someone else said, she is angry i broke up with her. Well I am angry because I felt like I didn't have a choice. There were too many things piling up in my head that I wasn't allowed to talk about it would start problems. But the biggest problem was she would never admit the damaging things she would say and do and then use my reactions against me and magnify them as if I was crazy. She said for 2 months that we would probably brrakup one day. That was extremely toxic for me to hear. I could list more. But that is one thing she refused to admit was negative. She said i only interpreted it as negative because i have no self confidence. Lol. Anyways, It's kinda funny because we never once fought about anything. We were very calm. But the day I broke up it all turned really ugly because I was no longer silenced by her. I was calmly texting her and she said I was displaying irrational behavior and turning her off with a temper tantrum. I was actually really sad to be ending our relationship and she starts up insulting me about it.
angel.eyes Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 The whole relationship was toxic, not just her statement that you would eventually break up. Thank your lucky stars that it has ended. Perhaps reflect on why you were willing to walk on eggshells and stifle your concerns in an effort to keep her appeased during the relationship. That will hopefully help you avoid wasting that much time on someone who is so incompatible should you ever find yourself dating someone like this again. Other than that, wash your hands clean and walk away. 1
Ronni_W Posted February 15, 2017 Posted February 15, 2017 Well I am angry because marinero, It is time for you to heal and move onward and upwards -- and all that rehashing of all that negativity and toxicity is only going to block your progress. At this point, it doesn't matter what did or did not transpire in the past. The more you try to pick it apart -- with the aim and goal of...what? -- the more you impede your own development and growth. Hugs, Ronni
Recommended Posts