Author Dis Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 Hope you ok with the accident...I know they can be a real shock. Sounds like the dating gods are working hard to keep you two separated I'm ok, a little beat up but my car is totalled And lmao! I was thinking the same thing!
Imajerk17 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Just wanted to say that I am sorry to hear of your accident, Dis, but I am really relieved you are ok... 1
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I'm ok, a little beat up but my car is totalled And lmao! I was thinking the same thing! Oh man sorry to hear about your accident! Hope you have a speedy recovery. And yes, the dating gods are doing their best to F this up. Ps: I would accept this as a valid excuse for cancelling a first date lol! 1
Author Dis Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 Thanks so much guys!!! I'm feeling ok. Just a little sore and my lip is so swollen. I look like Bubba from Forest Gump So I gave him my number through match yesterday and told him we might need to reschedule depending on the weather (this was before the accident) and he sent me a message through match today, "Hey I'm sorry it was a crazy travel day yesterday, the airport was so backed up. But meeting up tonight sounds great if we can both make it out despite the snow storm. You dont need to be on the roads if the weather is bad. Thank you for your number. I'll text you today and we'll see how the day goes. Looking forward to it! Hopefully we can get out. I'll talk to you later." So....that was at like 8am this morning. Its now 1:20pm here and I havent heard from him. I wish he would just text me so I could tell him that I cant make it tonight I know theres a lot of debate on this here, but I really dont like it when guys leave plans up in the air until last minute. If I was able to go I'd be left hanging. I dont like how this guy is handling this... Irrational or rational?
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 (edited) Thanks so much guys!!! I'm feeling ok. Just a little sore and my lip is so swollen. I look like Bubba from Forest Gump So I gave him my number through match yesterday and told him we might need to reschedule depending on the weather (this was before the accident) and he sent me a message through match today, "Hey I'm sorry it was a crazy travel day yesterday, the airport was so backed up. But meeting up tonight sounds great if we can both make it out despite the snow storm. You dont need to be on the roads if the weather is bad. Thank you for your number. I'll text you today and we'll see how the day goes. Looking forward to it! Hopefully we can get out. I'll talk to you later." So....that was at like 8am this morning. Its now 1:20pm here and I havent heard from him. I wish he would just text me so I could tell him that I cant make it tonight I know theres a lot of debate on this here, but I really dont like it when guys leave plans up in the air until last minute. If I was able to go I'd be left hanging. I dont like how this guy is handling this... Irrational or rational? He's texted you 2x per day for a week. Sent thoughtful messages including the one quoted above. Tough love - you are being irrational! Text him and tell him you got into a car accident and will need to cancel. Edit - Offer an alternative. This is why I strongly suggest you wait until you meet before passing judgement. See how you are analyzing every move? This has been the first guy on old you liked in a while. Don't f it up. And make sure you offer an alternative day because if you don't you'll appear like you are flaking. If he flakes oh well, you have your answer. Edited February 12, 2017 by SevenCity 2
Author Dis Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 He's texted you 2x per day for a week. Sent thoughtful messages including the one quoted above. Tough love - you are being irrational! Text him and tell him you got into a car accident and will need to cancel. I dont have his number so I cant text him...he said he was going to text me so I guess I can just tell him when I hear from him I didnt hear from him at all yesterday I guess i just dont like him taking a whole day to get back to me....thats not cool esp when we're making plans or have date planned but havent firmed up the details
Versacehottie Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 He's texted you 2x per day for a week. Sent thoughtful messages including the one quoted above. Tough love - you are being irrational! Text him and tell him you got into a car accident and will need to cancel. Edit - Offer an alternative. This is why I strongly suggest you wait until you meet before passing judgement. See how you are analyzing every move? This has been the first guy on old you liked in a while. Don't f it up. And make sure you offer an alternative day because if you don't you'll appear like you are flaking. If he flakes oh well, you have your answer. I agree. I also think you need to text him BEFORE he texts you to plan the date or urs will sound like a lie. Bolded: girl, I like you a lot but this is a repetitive pattern. It can be as little as one hour of your life--no need to analyze to death. Go to have a fun night, make a life experience, grow yourself. You don't "need" the reason to go to be that it HAS to be the love match of the century!! The worst that can happen is that you have a funny but awful dating story or are bored out of your mind for an hour. The best is that you can meet the love of your life or someone that fills your life up in a great way for a period of time. Change your intention. And relax. and feel better.
Author Dis Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 Edit - Offer an alternative. This is why I strongly suggest you wait until you meet before passing judgement. See how you are analyzing every move? This has been the first guy on old you liked in a while. Don't f it up. And make sure you offer an alternative day because if you don't you'll appear like you are flaking. If he flakes oh well, you have your answer. Ok good advice. I know I'm already over thinking! lol Ok I'll offer an alternative date for sure. But he needs to text me so I can do that
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I dont have his number so I cant text him...he said he was going to text me so I guess I can just tell him when I hear from him I didnt hear from him at all yesterday I guess i just dont like him taking a whole day to get back to me....thats not cool esp when we're making plans or have date planned but havent firmed up the details Although he should have made definite plans, it sounds like he has a life and you're a complete stranger. I think it's fair to say he doesn't owe you much. send him a message online explaining the accident and your need to reschedule. It's possible he didn't look at the dating app since you last spoke. 1
PhillyLibertyBelle Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Hi guys! So I was on the way to the mall to get a new outfit for the date and I got hit directly in my drivers side door by a snow plow truck I was taken to the hospital and got 6 stiches in my lip, I have a concussion, my jaw is a little displaced and I have a chip facture in one of my knuckles.... but it couldve been so much worse Apparently some cute fire fighters were looking after me on the scene of the accident but I was too concussed to remember (of course) )...I think I'll bake them some cookies and bring them down to the station in a dew days So, the date will have to be postponed as I am a hot mess lol Gosh that's awful! How are you feeling today?
Versacehottie Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Ok good advice. I know I'm already over thinking! lol Ok I'll offer an alternative date for sure. But he needs to text me so I can do that Big girl it up! I am usually all about letting a guy do what he said he was going to do and following thru on plans and setting up dates at the beginning. But in this case you know you are not going & it's not bc you are playing games. Reach out first. It can be an opportunity to build trust and honesty (and it is the TRUTH). Many friends of mine (and me) have had great dating stories built off little minor tragedies like this. Needless to say, his reaction to this information will teach you about him.
Author Dis Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 I agree. I also think you need to text him BEFORE he texts you to plan the date or urs will sound like a lie. Bolded: girl, I like you a lot but this is a repetitive pattern. It can be as little as one hour of your life--no need to analyze to death. Go to have a fun night, make a life experience, grow yourself. You don't "need" the reason to go to be that it HAS to be the love match of the century!! The worst that can happen is that you have a funny but awful dating story or are bored out of your mind for an hour. The best is that you can meet the love of your life or someone that fills your life up in a great way for a period of time. Change your intention. And relax. and feel better. Hey VH! This absolutely IS a pattern!!! Thanks for the check. I needed to here that. I'm doing it again....over thinking and expecting the guy to be 'the one'. No wonder I put so much pressure on the whole thing and over think every detail....my mindset is way off base My gf used to OLD and she said every date she went on was just to meet someone and to have fun. She didnt get invested or over think anything and she has great luck! I swore I wouldnt start to date again if I wasnt going to have fun...have to keep that promise to myself and put things into a rational perspective 1
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I feel like your expectations are too much and you're looking for reasons for this not to work out. If he's been online he's likely jaded like the rest of us and waiting until he meets you to determine if it will go anywhere. He could have many other girls he's talking to and been stood up before so not taking is too seriously. He has no idea what your communication needs are and because he hasn't met you his only responsibility is to get you out on a date. Tell him what happened and offer a reschedule. 2
OatsAndHall Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I became much happier with the entire dating scene when I stopped focusing on it, entirely. It's easy for OLD to become an obsession the same way social media is. Open up your app, scroll around, shoot out messages, check to see if messages have been read/seen, etc.. etc... It became seriously draining for me. If I were single, I'd just wait for the "weekly" matches to pop up, shoot messages to those that sparked my interest and go along my way.
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Hey VH! This absolutely IS a pattern!!! Thanks for the check. I needed to here that. I'm doing it again....over thinking and expecting the guy to be 'the one'. No wonder I put so much pressure on the whole thing and over think every detail....my mindset is way off base My gf used to OLD and she said every date she went on was just to meet someone and to have fun. She didnt get invested or over think anything and she has great luck! I swore I wouldnt start to date again if I wasnt going to have fun...have to keep that promise to myself and put things into a rational perspective In your defense, dating is mentally exhausting and we all hope the next person will be the one so we can stop doing it. That said, if you expect people to be a certain way you will always be disappointed. I know it's tough but you have to go in with the expectation of meeting someone new. That's it.
Author Dis Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 I feel like your expectations are too much and you're looking for reasons for this not to work out. If he's been online he's likely jaded like the rest of us and waiting until he meets you to determine if it will go anywhere. He could have many other girls he's talking to and been stood up before so not taking is too seriously. He has no idea what your communication needs are and because he hasn't met you his only responsibility is to get you out on a date. Tell him what happened and offer a reschedule. This is very true, thanks Seven. My expecations are off base and I'm forgetting I'm not the only one whos probably fed up with OLD I think I look for reasons why it 'wont work' because I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt. Its like I'm being too careful. But if I keep this up I'll ruin any good thing that comes my way
Author Dis Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 I'm not getting the stitches out of my lip until Thursday and I have a 9 hour clinical on Friday. I think the only option I have is this Saturday Does that seem to far out?
Versacehottie Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Hey VH! This absolutely IS a pattern!!! Thanks for the check. I needed to here that. I'm doing it again....over thinking and expecting the guy to be 'the one'. No wonder I put so much pressure on the whole thing and over think every detail....my mindset is way off base My gf used to OLD and she said every date she went on was just to meet someone and to have fun. She didnt get invested or over think anything and she has great luck! I swore I wouldnt start to date again if I wasnt going to have fun...have to keep that promise to myself and put things into a rational perspective Hi! Your gf has EXACTLY the right attitude. I mean some of dating is to collect stories and grow yourself. Entertain your friends with the stories!! And on the serious side grow yourself. Imagine the perfect guy comes along but you haven't grown, stretched yourself and become more comfortable in your dating self. What if you blow it when that guy comes along JUST for the pure fact that you have not gotten yourself comfortable with dating and the anxiety that can come with it. You already know that on the spectrum of anxiety and overanalyzing you are on the high end. More exposure to dating will only help you with that. You also need to learn HOW to interpret what is happening to you and label those interactions and feelings in a way that will SERVE you not destroy you and your chances. The best way to do that is have more experiences and interactions. Have fun! You also never know where it can lead. Funny, my car broke down once on the way to a first date that had had a lot of build up and was tough to schedule & i felt like the dating gods were trying to mess us up too. I left my car where it was & walked the rest of the way. I felt a little like an idiot & like he would think I was a loser bc of my car when I really had really really bad luck about that. I didn't feel chemistry with him but we had a fun night & ended up laughing about the car thing all night, ended up at a late night diner & I made him give me a ride home. We knew each other through our related industries & have remained friends & business & friend wise it has really really paid off. And he invites me to parties that have been full of his friends/work acquaintances so you just never know where things can end up. 1
Author Dis Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 Hi! Your gf has EXACTLY the right attitude. I mean some of dating is to collect stories and grow yourself. Entertain your friends with the stories!! And on the serious side grow yourself. Imagine the perfect guy comes along but you haven't grown, stretched yourself and become more comfortable in your dating self. What if you blow it when that guy comes along JUST for the pure fact that you have not gotten yourself comfortable with dating and the anxiety that can come with it. You already know that on the spectrum of anxiety and overanalyzing you are on the high end. More exposure to dating will only help you with that. You also need to learn HOW to interpret what is happening to you and label those interactions and feelings in a way that will SERVE you not destroy you and your chances. The best way to do that is have more experiences and interactions. Have fun! You also never know where it can lead. Funny, my car broke down once on the way to a first date that had had a lot of build up and was tough to schedule & i felt like the dating gods were trying to mess us up too. I left my car where it was & walked the rest of the way. I felt a little like an idiot & like he would think I was a loser bc of my car when I really had really really bad luck about that. I didn't feel chemistry with him but we had a fun night & ended up laughing about the car thing all night, ended up at a late night diner & I made him give me a ride home. We knew each other through our related industries & have remained friends & business & friend wise it has really really paid off. And he invites me to parties that have been full of his friends/work acquaintances so you just never know where things can end up. I loved this...thank you so much VS. It really summed up how I am with dating and how at the end of the day, I'm my own worst enemy. I keep thinking that my dates are the source of hurt or future disappointments but the source is really my attitude and anxiety towards dating And yes I do not interpret things correctly. I've skewed my own intuition and judgment because I felt it had failed me in the past. Now I'm upside down and thinking I'm seeing things clearly...I'm not I'm going to wipe the slate clean and stop over investing/over thinking so early on. Its a date. Thats it. Its not the end of the world if it doesnt work out. I think I've learned even through the toughest dating experiences that I'm OK on my own. The world isnt going to collapse around me. Its all about perspective and shifting my attitude Good for you for walking to the date! That shows some commitment! Maybe this accident is the universe's way of telling me to slow down and chill because if I dont I'll screw it up when the time is right 2
SevenCity Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 This is very true, thanks Seven. My expecations are off base and I'm forgetting I'm not the only one whos probably fed up with OLD I think I look for reasons why it 'wont work' because I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt. Its like I'm being too careful. But if I keep this up I'll ruin any good thing that comes my way It's sad but true. We all want to find that special someone but they don't come along very often. OLD makes things worse because you have opportunities to meet people and most of them won't work out. Conversely, in real life you have already met the person and assessed any chemistry so the first date is usually much more successful. But it seems to work for some people....so I hear
OatsAndHall Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I'm not getting the stitches out of my lip until Thursday and I have a 9 hour clinical on Friday. I think the only option I have is this Saturday Does that seem to far out? It seems like you're over-analyzing this as well. If Saturday is what works for you then Saturday it is: you have a busy schedule. You don't want to feel rushed into a date that you might not enjoy. Honestly, the guy will jump at it if he's as interested as you are. If not, then it maybe time to write him off. 1
Versacehottie Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I loved this...thank you so much VS. It really summed up how I am with dating and how at the end of the day, I'm my own worst enemy. I keep thinking that my dates are the source of hurt or future disappointments but the source is really my attitude and anxiety towards dating And yes I do not interpret things correctly. I've skewed my own intuition and judgment because I felt it had failed me in the past. Now I'm upside down and thinking I'm seeing things clearly...I'm not I'm going to wipe the slate clean and stop over investing/over thinking so early on. Its a date. Thats it. Its not the end of the world if it doesnt work out. I think I've learned even through the toughest dating experiences that I'm OK on my own. The world isnt going to collapse around me. Its all about perspective and shifting my attitude Good for you for walking to the date! That shows some commitment! Maybe this accident is the universe's way of telling me to slow down and chill because if I dont I'll screw it up when the time is right Yeah, a lot of anxiety is your brain trying to "protect" you by thinking of all the things that could go wrong and make sure you don't get hurt. BUT in the majority of people who are anxiety-prone, it creates a new set of problems in that you fail to take necessary chances and challenge yourself as well as sabotage things indirectly or even directly. If you can understand that this is what your brain is trying to do (i.e. it's trying to help you which has evolutionary component), acknowledge that but then don't let it deter you from moving forward. Also with WHATEVER happens to you, how you characterize it is key! it's not a matter of correct or incorrect. It's perception & characterization. For example, I have this friend (i'm quite sure everyone has a friend like this), she is very very social and she wants everyone to do what she does, go to the parties/events that she goes to. No matter what, in preparation for the party/event and afterward, it was the "BEST" or will be the best or most fun. I think she truly believes that. She never seems to waiver in thinking it will be or was anything less. I guess I'm more of a realist because sometimes I will hesitate thinking "that doesn't sound so fun" or "it might but it's not a guarantee!!" Or even after one of these "great" parties, I can be honest and say to myself "that sucked!". You can see examples of these type of people across all type of incidents not just parties. Where what they are doing they are engaged in and feel like it's the best or EXACTLY what they should be doing. (*There are some who do it falsely so there is a difference which you can usually feel--pretty obvious if you are paying attention) . Now maybe to feeling like everything is the best is too extreme but you can push yourself to seeing that each thing has a silver lining or a purpose that is good for you, even some bad things. That will help you. Even if only, to take you out of trying to mitigate every possible scenario and just accept and deal with what happens to you. Try it.!! Bolded: exactly!! I think i left my car in a tow zone and had to taxi back the next morning. It was still there thank god. I was committed to the date mainly because we had such a bond & back and forth already, not because I was concerned about him becoming my bf. I would have felt bad not showing up--he had already done some really cute things in anticipation of the date and me too. I guess it's more about staying in the moment if you have a tendency to not do that. Also important to have these experiences and more dating stories at your fingertips because (without trying to make a bf jealous) it will keep future bf's on their toes if they know you are easy&comfortable with dating (by some of the stories that slip out) and that you have a decent amount of guy friends. Never trying to make a person jealous but just that you move through the world with ease and are less bf-focused because they know that's attractive and will get you another bf. I think they are on better behavior when they realize that is how you conduct yourself in a self-assured way throughout the world. Because they know you will be onto the next if they mess up too much and that you have options and can take care of yourself with confidence.
Author Dis Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 Yeah, a lot of anxiety is your brain trying to "protect" you by thinking of all the things that could go wrong and make sure you don't get hurt. BUT in the majority of people who are anxiety-prone, it creates a new set of problems in that you fail to take necessary chances and challenge yourself as well as sabotage things indirectly or even directly. If you can understand that this is what your brain is trying to do (i.e. it's trying to help you which has evolutionary component), acknowledge that but then don't let it deter you from moving forward. Also with WHATEVER happens to you, how you characterize it is key! it's not a matter of correct or incorrect. It's perception & characterization. For example, I have this friend (i'm quite sure everyone has a friend like this), she is very very social and she wants everyone to do what she does, go to the parties/events that she goes to. No matter what, in preparation for the party/event and afterward, it was the "BEST" or will be the best or most fun. I think she truly believes that. She never seems to waiver in thinking it will be or was anything less. I guess I'm more of a realist because sometimes I will hesitate thinking "that doesn't sound so fun" or "it might but it's not a guarantee!!" Or even after one of these "great" parties, I can be honest and say to myself "that sucked!". You can see examples of these type of people across all type of incidents not just parties. Where what they are doing they are engaged in and feel like it's the best or EXACTLY what they should be doing. (*There are some who do it falsely so there is a difference which you can usually feel--pretty obvious if you are paying attention) . Now maybe to feeling like everything is the best is too extreme but you can push yourself to seeing that each thing has a silver lining or a purpose that is good for you, even some bad things. That will help you. Even if only, to take you out of trying to mitigate every possible scenario and just accept and deal with what happens to you. Try it.!! Bolded: exactly!! I think i left my car in a tow zone and had to taxi back the next morning. It was still there thank god. I was committed to the date mainly because we had such a bond & back and forth already, not because I was concerned about him becoming my bf. I would have felt bad not showing up--he had already done some really cute things in anticipation of the date and me too. I guess it's more about staying in the moment if you have a tendency to not do that. Also important to have these experiences and more dating stories at your fingertips because (without trying to make a bf jealous) it will keep future bf's on their toes if they know you are easy&comfortable with dating (by some of the stories that slip out) and that you have a decent amount of guy friends. Never trying to make a person jealous but just that you move through the world with ease and are less bf-focused because they know that's attractive and will get you another bf. I think they are on better behavior when they realize that is how you conduct yourself in a self-assured way throughout the world. Because they know you will be onto the next if they mess up too much and that you have options and can take care of yourself with confidence. Oh god I'm wayyyy too bf focused! I'm taking all the fun out of dating because #1- I'm trying to protect myself at all costs and #2-I feel a huge amount of self imposed pressure to settle down ever since I turned 30 last June. I really think had I been more relaxed about dating, it might have already happened. I've really shot myself in the foot. Its kind of like a vicious cycle, I'm already anxious so I over think things, and by over thinking things I get even more anxious. There will always be flaws in someone, so if I keep looking for a problem...I'm going to find one no matter how small it is I'm really glad you brought up the whole concept of perspective. My anxious/impending doom perspective is the root cause of all of this. If I can work on shifting into a calmer more accepting state than I think I'll be ok. Its going to take some time and a lot of work as this has been my pattern for quite some time. But worrying about things wont stop bad things from happening, it doesnt even soften the blow. What I can see that is has done is thrown road blocks in front of my goal. I'm making it so much harder for myself Turning 30 and all my dates around that time really had a huge impact on current thought process and perspective. I need to let go of that pressure of being 30 feeling the need to settle down. I need to let go off the past too This is going to be a huge process. But I'm glad that now I know what I'm doing wrong and why...first step
Versacehottie Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Oh god I'm wayyyy too bf focused! I'm taking all the fun out of dating because #1- I'm trying to protect myself at all costs and #2-I feel a huge amount of self imposed pressure to settle down ever since I turned 30 last June. I really think had I been more relaxed about dating, it might have already happened. I've really shot myself in the foot. Its kind of like a vicious cycle, I'm already anxious so I over think things, and by over thinking things I get even more anxious. There will always be flaws in someone, so if I keep looking for a problem...I'm going to find one no matter how small it is I'm really glad you brought up the whole concept of perspective. My anxious/impending doom perspective is the root cause of all of this. If I can work on shifting into a calmer more accepting state than I think I'll be ok. Its going to take some time and a lot of work as this has been my pattern for quite some time. But worrying about things wont stop bad things from happening, it doesnt even soften the blow. What I can see that is has done is thrown road blocks in front of my goal. I'm making it so much harder for myself Turning 30 and all my dates around that time really had a huge impact on current thought process and perspective. I need to let go of that pressure of being 30 feeling the need to settle down. I need to let go off the past too This is going to be a huge process. But I'm glad that now I know what I'm doing wrong and why...first step Well it doesn't have to be "huge" and difficult though the results can be huge. Let go of the pressure of needing to settle down. And practice being in a more accepting state of small, everyday things in your life. Little tiny things. That will help you strength that "in the moment" muscle for your mind. BTW, perfect example is your car accident. Now maybe these are the type of things to worry about--but you didn't because you couldn't see it coming. But it came and there wasn't much you can do about it in advance. Now that it's happened, you work on healing yourself and rearranging your schedule to accommodate your stitches, etc. You NEVER know what will happen with relationships--some will surprise you in bad ways and some in such great ways you could have never expected. Either way, if you approach your life in a balanced way, you can both protect yourself from things (red flags etc) and move yourself forward to accept the good things because you "know" you have the strength to survive whatever life throws at you. In fact, I think one of the worst things a person could have happen to them is to have never been fazed or thrown a curve ball and be in a seemingly perfect relationship and existence. Then what do you do if it falls apart? You will either find a strength you never knew you had (probably some of the very same zen skills that got you into this wonderful--when it was wonderful--relationship) or fall apart completely and almost permanently. In some ways, if you really think about it these perfect lives we think others have can be just as scary. Those statements you tell yourself, "if only I meet & find my soulmate by 31, I'll be ok" can stunt things. What about telling yourself, I'll be ok. Sometimes that attitude shift can bring around exactly what you want (the guy).
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