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issue with the daughter of the lady I am seeing [UPDATE dumped after 8 dates]

Dusty72

By Dusty72
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

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Yes Thanks Selinaluv and Dumbass

 

Yes , you are right , it was on whatsapp so i know she read it ....

 

I think I will go with plan B and just call /message her sunday ...hey what have i got to lose

 

Don't message her any more if she hasn't contacted you by Sunday. I'm mean heck, she knows it's your birthday tomorrow and if you don't hear anything I'd just not contact her again.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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very true popsicle

 

my actual text to her was "I would love to take you out for dinner next week , let me know when you are free?"

 

I'm not sure that caveat " let me know when you are free" makes a difference?

 

To me it makes a difference but if you have the energy to contact her again, then do it.

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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Selinaluv.....when you say tough love , do you think i should call her mum out on this ...i'm just scared to rock the boat...???

 

I don't think you should call her out. She's a grown woman who is choosing to engage in this dynamic with her daughter.

 

For perspective, I have a daughter of the same age with whom I am very close. But our relationship is also very healthy - my daughter is happy when I am and vice versa. Neither of us interferes in the other's dating life.

 

My take is that this woman is not ready to date.

jiffysound Member

jiffysound

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Dusty72, please RUN as fast as you can from this mother-daughter-combo. The kid ( and yes she is a 22 year old KID ) will pull on her mommys strings and complain and throw tantrums just as a child would do. The kid may go as far as accusing you of something just to get you away from her mommy. This is a no-go situation, you stand, turn a 180 and walk away. No contact is required in this situation.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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***Quick update****

 

Well , woke up yesterday (the day of my bithday) and this woman text me to wish me a lovely day xx

 

That was it , so I texted her back to see if she still wanted to go out next week ...I needed to know , I even said , hey it doesn't have to be dinner , but would she like to see me ?

 

She replied straight away that she is busy all next week , and that maybe we can do something the week after.

 

Well , that's a blow out to me ....so All I said was :

No problem , shoot me a text when you are free and she replied "will do x"

 

I think i have my answer....great way to start my birthday ...I feel so down

Edited by Dusty72
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Dusty: Let it go. She is not that into you that is all. She was just using her daughter as an excuse to delay seeing you. She is probably seeing someone else.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Dusty: Let it go. She is not that into you that is all. She was just using her daughter as an excuse to delay seeing you. She is probably seeing someone else.

 

I here what you are saying ...but I think you have it all wrong...ok yes she may have another dude in the frame ..who knows

 

But i will tell you something , on our first date she got a text mid way through from her daughter saying ,"I suppose you ar going to leave me now , that you have found a man?"

 

I saw the text , she showed it to me ...

 

Second date:

She met me without even telling her daughter she was seeing me , I met her for coffee and a walk , she was dropping her daughter at the station as she was going up to London and we met after ...so she kept that date secret from her...She told me she didn't want her daughter to freak out so kept it quiet

 

Third date: She told her just as her daughter was popping out for a couple of hours , and we only went out for about the same time ...when she got back she told me her daughter was all very emotional about the fact she went out to see me for a drink .

 

Now yes , you may be right ...but I thought i would give you all the facts ...especially the text i saw which was genuine on the first date

 

We have kissed on all our dates , during and by the end of the third date , We were kissing and being intimate in the pub car park for around 10 odd minutes before she got in her car and i got in mine...

 

She also texted me saying "of course i want to see you again, she will come round" , when i asked her , is this causing you issues with her daughter?

Edited by Dusty72
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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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I don't think you should call her out. She's a grown woman who is choosing to engage in this dynamic with her daughter.

 

For perspective, I have a daughter of the same age with whom I am very close. But our relationship is also very healthy - my daughter is happy when I am and vice versa. Neither of us interferes in the other's dating life.

 

My take is that this woman is not ready to date.

 

I think Introverted has nailed this ..she is not ready to date ...she told me I am the first guy she has been on a date with since her divorce (I found that hard to believe but went along with it ) , now she could be just saying that but she was very nervous first date....

 

on her dating profile it actually said 'casual dating' NOT 'long term dating' like 90% of girls put on their profiles

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I think Introverted has nailed this ..she is not ready to date ...she told me I am the first guy she has been on a date with since her divorce (I found that hard to believe but went along with it ) , now she could be just saying that but she was very nervous first date....

 

on her dating profile it actually said 'casual dating' NOT 'long term dating' like 90% of girls put on their profiles

 

Not ready to date and not that into you is the same thing.

 

Both means she is emotionally unavailable.

 

When a woman finds a man that makes her weak in the knee she doesn't give up that easily.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I also don't understand why her daughter knows about her dating if this woman only wanted to 'casually date'. You don't talk to your children about men you see only once in a while and will have sex with here and there.

 

And if you messaged her fully knowing she only wanted casual dating why is her lack of time a concern? This is casual, you should be seeing other women and if this one is available only once a month then once a month it is.

 

Casual means casual. But it's like none of you know what casual means.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Ok , that's fair enough and I agree , I still think it's her daughter pulling the strings but you are entitled to your opinion...

 

Bottom line we can both agree on though is , she doesn't want to see me , she cannot be that busy ....so I have to move on and forget about her ...it sucks but that's internet dating I suppose...

 

So Next .....

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Gaeta , her daughter actually mentioned to her that she should to go on plenty of fish , set up her profile etc ...

 

Ok Casual ...I have left it in her court , if she text me fine if not fine...

 

Yes I will see other women , can't be waiting around for just one woman who is probably never going to call

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Gaeta , her daughter actually mentioned to her that she should to go on plenty of fish , set up her profile etc ...

 

Ok Casual ...I have left it in her court , if she text me fine if not fine...

 

Yes I will see other women , can't be waiting around for just one woman who is probably never going to call

 

My question to you is what are you looking for online?

 

I have done many years of online dating. It took me a while to realize I was the source of my disappointments. I didn't stick to my goal which was to find a serious partner.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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and my answer is ...to find a lovely lady who I can spend the rest of my life with , enjoying her company , her love laughter etc etc...a long term partner

 

Ok I really liked this lady , really liked , she was perfect for me , or so i thought...I wouldn't be so upset and disappointed if I didn't feel so much for her ....

 

Ok , yes only 3 dates , she owes me nothing blah blah.... but it still sucks

 

Just gotta move on

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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and my answer is ...to find a lovely lady who I can spend the rest of my life with , enjoying her company , her love laughter etc etc...a long term partner

 

So it's counter productive to message women looking for casual. Stick with messaging women looking for the same as you.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Yes I overlooked that when i contacted her initially ...lesson learnt

 

Though like i said 90% of women are looking for long term , I just screwed up initiating contact with a woman who didn't put that in her profile

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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It's a bit of a rhetorical question , I should just ask her out again .....but I texted her on wednesday , she hasn't come back to me ....I don't want to keep asking ...that sounds a bit needy , desperate , clingy !!

 

 

I wouldn't.

 

You've already asked her and she hasn't answered you, if I read what you wrote correctly. That ball is in her court and she needs to make an answer to that.

 

What will truly show her interest is for her to ask you out. You've been around her long enough for her to extend herself this way. If she won't, then perhaps you need to leave her with her daughter and find someone who isn't in a co-dependent relationship with her grown child who's calling the shots in her love life.

 

I had to get my daughter straight on this tip when she was 7 years old--because she started going down that path. In her case, as a child, she was feeling that someone else was taking her place in my affection and I had to let her know that she held a place no one else ever will, but at the same time, I wanted companionship from an adult and that had nothing to do with how I felt about her. Never had another problem in this area with her.

 

This pattern of behavior has been in play years before you came into their lives. She made the mistake of being friends with her daughter instead of being the parent back when the daughter was younger. Now that the daughter is grown, she's grown into a beast in that regard. This woman needs to handle her daughter on her own first without you in the picture.

 

I wouldn't contact her. If she calls, I'd just tell her that I am uncomfortable with the amount of sway her grown daughter has over who she dates and I would scale back getting more involved with her until such a time as she has demonstrated that she's got her daughter in check. No adult should be running their relationships by any committees for approval. That's some junior high school BS.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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I wouldn't.

 

You've already asked her and she hasn't answered you, if I read what you wrote correctly. That ball is in her court and she needs to make an answer to that.

 

What will truly show her interest is for her to ask you out. You've been around her long enough for her to extend herself this way. If she won't, then perhaps you need to leave her with her daughter and find someone who isn't in a co-dependent relationship with her grown child who's calling the shots in her love life.

 

I had to get my daughter straight on this tip when she was 7 years old--because she started going down that path. In her case, as a child, she was feeling that someone else was taking her place in my affection and I had to let her know that she held a place no one else ever will, but at the same time, I wanted companionship from an adult and that had nothing to do with how I felt about her. Never had another problem in this area with her.

 

This pattern of behavior has been in play years before you came into their lives. She made the mistake of being friends with her daughter instead of being the parent back when the daughter was younger. Now that the daughter is grown, she's grown into a beast in that regard. This woman needs to handle her daughter on her own first without you in the picture.

 

I wouldn't contact her. If she calls, I'd just tell her that I am uncomfortable with the amount of sway her grown daughter has over who she dates and I would scale back getting more involved with her until such a time as she has demonstrated that she's got her daughter in check. No adult should be running their relationships by any committees for approval. That's some junior high school BS.

 

That's a great post , thanks ...if I ever hear from here I will say that ...that's if she gets back in touch...I so agree with you , it is not a healthy situation she has allowed herself to be in with her daughter...oh well , I will just have to continue dating and if she comes back well , lets wait and see

  • 1 month later...
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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Hi all,

 

I hope you can give me an insight into this ...although 8 dates isn't really that long but i need some advice as to how this happened.

 

long story short , was with her just shy of two months , she is divorced and has a 22 year old daughter who does everything with her...

 

I have written about her daughter causing a bit of a rift in a previous post in the dating section , but wanted to update you guys and girls on what transpired...as after that initial post things seem to get better ...then she dropped the bomb...so for an insight please read the previous post about her daughter causing issues with this woman I was seeing

 

Well , long story short..

 

last Sunday evening I was invited around to this woman's house who i have been dating to eventually meet her daughter as things were progressing what i thought was the beginning of a relationship. So I turned up at her house and met her daughter who as i said previously is 22 , her daughter was very charming and i was talking about everything to her for about 90% of the time i was round there , she seemed really nice , not the person my girl was portraying ...so stayed for a couple of hours chatting away to her daughter , although one thing struck me as odd is that her mum didn't make eye contact with me at all , just looking at her daughter ...anyway when i left, her mum and i was kissing in the hallway out of sight of her daughter and I then left and organised a date for her to come to my place on the following Tuesday.

 

Tuesday comes round and we had a drink and started kissing and making out on the sofa , exactly what happened the previous Tuesday , we hadn't had sexual intercourse throughout the relationship except just me touching her breasts etc , (I have just moved into this new flat) then she started to say "I don't want to lead you on " followed by " I'm not sure I want this enough" and then proceeded to say "I'm not sure i want a relationship" ..i was gobsmacked as i thought everything would settle down now that i met her daughter ...who she says was causing issues previously. I didn't get mad , just listened to what she said ...then she started crying and saying "I'm scared to have sex and that I don't know if I'm good enough" ( presumably in bed).

 

Now this woman has been divorced for 3 years and her and her daughter are more like sisters than mum and daughter (They do everything together).

 

I asked if there was anyone else and she said no , we talked a bit more kissing and cuddling still while tears were rolling down her face , which set me off too as it as dawning on me what was unfolding ....She then kept saying " I'm really going to miss you" ( I did say to her just before , that I didn't want to be friends only lovers and that i won't call her anymore as there is little point , but if she changes her mind please get in touch).

 

She stayed for a couple of hours and as she went to leave she said ..

 

"just give me a couple of days" ...

 

What does that mean? , is her daughter calling the shots , is she not that in to me ....so many questions , so few answers ?????

 

any advice would be much appreciated

 

Thank you for reading this

 

Oh and one other thing I was recently diagnosed with crohns disease although mild and It came up in the conversation on Sunday evening with her daughter as she is a dietitian at the local hospital and deal with a lot of crohns patients... i don't know if that had any effect on why her mum dumped me ????

 

please help

Edited by Dusty72
hunk Established Member

hunk

Posted
Posted (edited)

I've read your other posts. She is living vicariously through her daughter and what this means is that she is unconsciously adopting the mindset of her daughter regarding men and dating. Her daughter is most likely surrounded by and interested in, how do i say this, "unpleasant" men (really just men who take what they want which is sex as soon as possible with the women they're interested in) This woman is still, at some level, thinking she is 22 and "one of the girls" and thus still has her pick of bad-boys and high sexual value men, so your behavior (i'm assuming you were probably more attentive and invested than you should've been after such a short amount of time) disappointed her and wasn't attractive.

 

You just didn't turn her on and she wasn't attracted to you enough. You didn't have sex in the 8 dates you spent with her, that's more than enough for her to detach and lose interest in you.

 

"I'm not sure I want this enough" is the nail in the coffin and should give you all the information you need regarding why this failed.

 

It's very simple, but I understand it sucks to hear, because it does.

 

No contact and forget about her unless she turns up at your house or actively arranges a date/invites you over when her daughter is out or wants to come to your place again. If she does, you grab her the moment you see her and have sex with her because that is your absolute last chance.

Edited by hunk
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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Hunk ,

 

It wasn't like that , the only opportunities for sex to happen is when I invited her over which was only twice out of 8 dates , the other dates were bowling going for a walk and coffee and pubs , could hardly jump on her in public and I did try to initiate sex although she said that she wasn't ready for that yet.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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she told me she had a bad break up with her ex husband ...now she didn't go into detail , but the point of saying "I'm scared to have sex , I dont feel I'm good enough " may warrant an answer...I don't know

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