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issue with the daughter of the lady I am seeing [UPDATE dumped after 8 dates]

Dusty72

By Dusty72
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Hi all ,

Long story short , I have been seeing this lady for a few weeks , actually had 3 dates with her.

Problem is , her daughter is getting a bit emotional that her mum is seeing me (or anyone else for that matter).

We are both divorced from previous marriages , however her daughter doesn't see her dad , she is 22 btw.

Her daughter knows about me , although i have never met her and her mum who I am seeing has told her about me ....but they are more like sisters than mum and daughter and i fear that me coming on the scene has disrupted that bond.

I am trying to schedule another date with this woman , who has told me she definitely wants to see me again ...but it's a bit of a tricky situation ...although she assures me her daughter will come around in time.

I last saw her on Tuesday for a date , which was nice albeit only a couple of hours , and we kissed longingly , as we have done on all our dates...

I text her on Wednesday to arrange another date and said it would be lovely to take you for dinner next week ....however she hasn't responded as of yet...

It's my birthday tomorrow and I am going out with friends , I'm pretty sure she will text me to say happy birthday , but if she doesn't bring up going on another date , do I mention it the fact i want to see her and take her to dinner, or do I leave it ....and be left in limbo...

I even mentioned taking her and her daughter out to get to know me ...her response was "nice idea , but lets see how things go for a while"

I'm not sure what to do ...any advice guys and gals????

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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At 22 this is ridiculous. If mom can't separate herself from her adult daughter there is little hope for you.

 

 

A long time neighbor who was a widow started dating a great guy. Her adult kids couldn't handle mommy dating even though her husband / their father so they made her life difficult & she stopped dating the nice guy. Even though her kids were my contemporaries I told her I thought they were jerks & that she was crazy for giving up the guy. My mom had recently passed so she asked me how I'd feel if my dad started dating. I told her I'd be fine with it as long as the person was nice to my dad & made him happy. I added that I might be tempted to interfere if I saw money getting moved around & Wills getting changed. She laughed.

 

 

Point is you can't get between mom & daughter but their relationship is unhealthy.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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I know it does sound ridiculous , I mean she is not 12 but 22 ...Jeez

What do i do though ...I really like this lady and do't want to come on too strong ....

I believe her daughter had a boyfriend a while back...her daughter suggested she went on Plenty of fish ...where we me met ...it's really bizarre

I think her daughter doesn't have that many friends ...even so I want to do the right thing and not be too needy ...or desperate ....what do you suggest?

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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I have three daughters i am very close too..... 22, 19 and 17 i also have two sons 28 and 26...there is only one hard fast rule.....they only ever question my sanity if i date someone who currently does drugs.....that's a lifestyle that i don't fit in.....

 

even if they didn't like the guy and they knew that guy made me happy they would get to know him and love him ...because my choice is my choice and its final.....and all they want for me is for me to be happy and safe with a guy who truly cares for me.....they love me and i love them and that is what i want for them even when i have misgivings about their choices.........goes both ways.....if they saw a guy who treated me well and included them in the picture on occasion on outings and things i dont think i would have a problem at all...

 

 

with the girls attending outings ......it would be climatising the guy i was with to become part of our family...so i would have to be completely serious about the guy and the same for the guy for me.....that guy would have an affect on their life and a say in family issues so yes it needs to be done carefully and with thoughtfulness not just gung ho.....a man who comes into my life and who is with me is a potential head of house.....so its a pretty big commitment on his behalf my girls would make it easy for him to feel part of the family foi he was good to me.... and i would expect the same from him towards them to be good to them........i introduced on guy to my family but knew in my heart he wasnt ready and had no chance even possibly of being able to handle my family.....so i ended it

 

give the daughter time and the mum needs to make her own choices in regards to being with you or not...it is scary when you have daughters.....and you bring another man in to the family...so take it slow and easy you will get there.....its a huge commitment on both sides.....because even if the kids are grown attachments will form and its also a certain amoubnt of responisbility to see the mum as a family unit not just as a single woman....and the asscoiated baggage can you carry it?......deb

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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If you really want this to work, go slow. Do something nice for the mom for Valentine's Day but get the daughter a token too, like a small thing of candy.

 

 

Every so often have a date that includes the daughter. I'm thinking some non romantic things like play mini golf or make a meal together at their house. No need to have the daughter to yours.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Thanks Deb , that is very insightful , I have two daughters myself 11 and 15 although they live with their mum , but i see them regularly.

 

Thing is do i push it by asking this lady out again to see if she will commit to a dinner date next week or just hang back ....???

 

She told me she wants to see me again , but she hasn't contacted me as of yet

to confirm ....do i ask her again or wait ....I know she will probably text me a happy birthday tomorrow , but i would like to set a date in stone with her ...good idea /bad idea???

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Thanks donnivain , I was going to suggest bowling ...that could include them both?

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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bowling on valentines might work? or is that a bit strange considering i have never met her daughter and she might not want to come anyway ?!?!?!?

preraph Established Member

preraph

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People don't get their offspring involved, if they're smart, until they know you a long time and decide you're probably a keeper.

 

Her friend relationship with her daughter is likely to always be a problem. She should be the parent and then she could just tell her to behave herself instead of babying her about this.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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Thanks Deb , that is very insightful , I have two daughters myself 11 and 15 although they live with their mum , but i see them regularly.

 

Thing is do i push it by asking this lady out again to see if she will commit to a dinner date next week or just hang back ....???

 

She told me she wants to see me again , but she hasn't contacted me as of yet

to confirm ....do i ask her again or wait ....I know she will probably text me a happy birthday tomorrow , but i would like to set a date in stone with her ...good idea /bad idea???

 

 

i feel valentines day is a perfect opportunity for you to spend time with the lady.....ask her out and then plan something beautiful....i would respect her wishes in regards to the daughter but like donnivain said buy the daughter a sweet little treat nothing expensive or she will think you are trying to buy her...

 

 

just something thoughtful...something whimsical...a bunch of hand picked wildflowers or a bunch of daisies with a white ribbon around them..or candy like donnivain suggested.and do something beautiful for the mum...doesnt have to cost ....just something special.......i wish you well dusty....deb

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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thank you two for your sage advice ...I will speak to her about it tomorrow and do something nice for both of them on Valentines day....wish me luck and thank you both .

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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People don't get their offspring involved, if they're smart, until they know you a long time and decide you're probably a keeper.

 

Her friend relationship with her daughter is likely to always be a problem. She should be the parent and then she could just tell her to behave herself instead of babying her about this.

 

That's true , It has crossed my mind many a time....

selinaluv Established Member

selinaluv

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Wow this boggles my mind.

 

My daughter just turned 11 and I have raised her with limited involvement from her dad since she was 2. I have really just now started dating consistently and we are very close... she always comes first.

 

But if me having three dates with a man (which she wouldn't know about anyway) impacts how she treats me, I would have some serious words with her. More so at 22. Her daughter is an adult and needs to realize her mom has a right to happiness. On the rare occasion that my daughter has found out I had a date she has actually been very excited and happy for me, so something else is at play here. She can be sad about it for a minute, but it should not impact her relationship with you.

 

How long have they been divorced? If it is a newer situation I can understand a tiny bit more, but your date does not need to cow-tow to her daughter like this. I think some tough love is necessary in order for everyone to heal and move on.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Wow this boggles my mind.

 

My daughter just turned 11 and I have raised her with limited involvement from her dad since she was 2. I have really just now started dating consistently and we are very close... she always comes first.

 

But if me having three dates with a man (which she wouldn't know about anyway) impacts how she treats me, I would have some serious words with her. More so at 22. Her daughter is an adult and needs to realize her mom has a right to happiness. On the rare occasion that my daughter has found out I had a date she has actually been very excited and happy for me, so something else is at play here. She can be sad about it for a minute, but it should not impact her relationship with you.

 

How long have they been divorced? If it is a newer situation I can understand a tiny bit more, but your date does not need to cow-tow to her daughter like this. I think some tough love is necessary in order for everyone to heal and move on.

 

Yes I do agree it boggles my mind too...

 

The lady i am dating has been divorced for 3 years...so i suppose her daughter not seeing her dad very much has created a bond with her mother akin to like sisters...and i presume that now I'm coming on the scene ...her daughter feels it will break this bond and that i will whisk her away ...which is not the case ...they only live 5 minutes drive from me anyway ...

I really don't know what to do ....

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Selinaluv.....when you say tough love , do you think i should call her mum out on this ...i'm just scared to rock the boat...???

selinaluv Established Member

selinaluv

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Yes I do agree it boggles my mind too...

 

The lady i am dating has been divorced for 3 years...so i suppose her daughter not seeing her dad very much has created a bond with her mother akin to like sisters...and i presume that now I'm coming on the scene ...her daughter feels it will break this bond and that i will whisk her away ...which is not the case ...they only live 5 minutes drive from me anyway ...

I really don't know what to do ....

 

Three years is plenty of time for the dust to settle and everyone to start picking up the pieces and moving on.

 

It is great that they are so close, but it is not healthy if it starts impacting their personal relationships with other people. It is also incredibly selfish of the daughter. She is not a child, old enough to know better, and really should be branching out to establish her own life and not rely on her mother for so much emotional support. It is not good if she can't handle not having her mom's full attention at this stage in life.

 

Unfortunately for you, if mom cannot or will not put some boundaries around this, you will lose out in the long run. It has only been three dates and her daughter should not even be making this an issues at this point. It could resolve in time, but I fear something else will creep up with her if mom does not establish more of a backbone on it.

selinaluv Established Member

selinaluv

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Selinaluv.....when you say tough love , do you think i should call her mum out on this ...i'm just scared to rock the boat...???

 

No, I am not sure you have any place to get involved at this point. I meant more that the mom should recognize her daughter's behavior and have a talk with her. Lay down some boundaries. If she can't do that now then I think this may not even go much further. There is no way I would let my daughter pull this for her own selfish reasons if the man is a good one.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Thanks Selinaluv

 

I assumed that is what you meant by tough love ...

 

Can I ask a question ....so if/when she calls me tomorrow to wish me happy birthday ...do i

A) mention getting together me and her again ?

 

or

B) don't mention anything and just thank her for her birthday wishes..

 

I say this not as a clueless man , but i really like this lady and dont want to wreck my chances ...what do you advise???

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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It's a bit of a rhetorical question , I should just ask her out again .....but I texted her on wednesday , she hasn't come back to me ....I don't want to keep asking ...that sounds a bit needy , desperate , clingy !!

selinaluv Established Member

selinaluv

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Thanks Selinaluv

 

I assumed that is what you meant by tough love ...

 

Can I ask a question ....so if/when she calls me tomorrow to wish me happy birthday ...do i

A) mention getting together me and her again ?

 

or

B) don't mention anything and just thank her for her birthday wishes..

 

I say this not as a clueless man , but i really like this lady and dont want to wreck my chances ...what do you advise???

 

If you really want to and if she does call you, you should definitely mention it and ask her again. If she still can't commit to it at that point, then I would let it go.

 

If you don't hear from her, then I would just let it go and let her come to you in the future.

 

I know you really like her (I can tell) and her daughter will take priority in most things, but she needs to be thinking of your needs and feelings here too.

dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

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Thanks Selinaluv

 

I assumed that is what you meant by tough love ...

 

Can I ask a question ....so if/when she calls me tomorrow to wish me happy birthday ...do i

A) mention getting together me and her again ?

 

or

B) don't mention anything and just thank her for her birthday wishes..

 

I say this not as a clueless man , but i really like this lady and dont want to wreck my chances ...what do you advise???

 

"I text her on Wednesday to arrange another date and said it would be lovely to take you for dinner next week ....however she hasn't responded as of yet..."

 

I'd choose B. You let her know already that you want to take her out next week. I'm sure she read the message. I hope she does wish you a happy birthday tomorrow, but something inside me tells me that she may not. I guess because you sent a message that requires a response and she has not responded in almost 2 days is a maybe a bit concerning. I guess it depends on how much of an influence she allows her daughter to have in her life. I hear ya though, you don't want to force things and seem needy, so plan on going with B if she contacts you and if she does contact you, then maybe over the weekend try calling her and ask her out for next week.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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Yes Thanks Selinaluv and Dumbass

 

Yes , you are right , it was on whatsapp so i know she read it ....

 

I think I will go with plan B and just call /message her sunday ...hey what have i got to lose

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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What do you do? Nothing. You already asked her to dinner Wednesday, to which she didn't respond. There is no point in asking her the same thing again. No response is still a response.

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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What do you do? Nothing. You already asked her to dinner Wednesday, to which she didn't respond. There is no point in asking her the same thing again. No response is still a response.

 

very true popsicle

 

my actual text to her was "I would love to take you out for dinner next week , let me know when you are free?"

 

I'm not sure that caveat " let me know when you are free" makes a difference?

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Dusty72 Member

Dusty72

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prior to that message she said "of course i want to see you again"

 

go figure !!?!?!

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