Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 If one of my friends got with any of my exes, that would be the end of our friendship. Especially without any remorse! There are just too many men to date out there that I don't see the need to go for someone I have a history with. But that's just me. I have a friend whose friends have dated each others exes. They are from a small town so the pickings are slim and a lot of the dating occurred in high school. It clearly bothers you that your friend did this and she is not remorseful. Try not to be afraid of conflict and risking the friendship. You need to be true to yourself and tell her how much that hurt you. It is better to be alone than to settle and be treated badly. You could say that my campus is a small town, cut off from civilization, and a terribly limited dating pool. I suppose your friends who dated their respective exes had the permission of the other friend first? Well my friend didn't. How does one gear themselves for dealing with the conflict? I always try to go back to status quo and maintain some semblance or normality. It is a great failing of mine.
preraph Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I had no rights over him, we were broken up at that time. But I could have stomached him messing around with any floozy. Why did it have to be my best friend? Also I am finding it so much harder to forgive the friend, than my ex. My ex was a bit of a lech anyway, but I'm deeply disappointed in my friend. She should have known better. And stuck to bro code. Don't feel bad about that either. No, I never slept with the guy again once he did my best friend, but I knew her for 17 years and she knew my emotions. I knew him for a few months and he was in the middle of a divorce and already kind of spinning around, so it was easier to forgive him. I ended up working with him for many years and that was hard, but decades later, with him happily married, we are able to be friends who keep in touch and once in a blue moon go to a concert together and even with his wife. Her, I never let back in. Once bitten, twice shy.
preraph Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I am so sorry that you had to go through that! It sounds a lot worse than my story! 17 years and to have been betrayed twice over by a friend!!! The thing is, I wasn't passing around my ex like a cookie. My friend knew every single detail of our relationship and she knew exactly how much I was into him. And I was still not completely over him after the break up. And that I went mad and harmed myself after the breakup. YET she betrayed me. I know. I was writing dark poetry and heartbroken but hopeful because we'd run into each other and he'd still want to talk. I thought, let him get past his divorce, let him sew some wild oats, but not with my friends or roomates, please. A couple years later, he apologized, saying he didn't know how bad it was to do that until his friends explained it to him. He was a little naive. But he was also a player in his own way. That's the egregious part: The guy isn't sure how bad it will hurt you. The friend knew it would kill you and does it anyway. Then the worst thing is after your best friend betrays you, you find it hard to EVER trust anyone again. If they will do it, who won't. But I will tell you that some people are too ethical to do that to you, so try not to lose faith in humanity. 1
Space Ritual Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Broke up with my ex in August. He has been on a mission to win me back since then. In October, I found out that he messed with one of my friends. Base 2, clothes on. They denied it till last month. Few weeks back he confessed the truth to me. This lady has been in and out of many beds before my boyfriends. She is outwardly so manipulative and slutty that guys are afraid of giving her any signals. I am currently not talking to her. Few days back, my very best friend confessed that she went to Base 2 (possibly 3, she does not "remember"), clothes completely OFF with him, around September-October. She made me promise to not discuss this with my ex. She didn't want to be "dragged into" our fights, it seems. She never exactly said sorry, but she expressed some regret that our relationship may not be the same again, or that I may lose faith in friendships altogether. We've been carrying on normally since this conversation, as if nothing happened. But the betrayal stabs and freezes me over for a few minutes to a few hours everyday. I think at some level I am afraid of losing this one last person as friend, and hence I am carrying on normally. Also, this friend has had her fair share of one night stands. Comfort f**cks, whenever she has felt like them. She is now in this cutesy little relationship with a classmate, who doesn't know half the truth about her. Least of all about her messing with her best friends's ex. I know that technically we were broken up, but does that give any right to my friends to mess with my ex? Am I justified in feeling miserable and hateful? Should I even call these girls my friends? What should I do? How should I feel? Your ex isn't the problem...your friends are. Cut them out of your life and get some new friends.
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I agree you need a better choice of friends. Them sleeping with your exes or not, their behavior is a little extreme. They are just being gross.
phineas Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 Easy answers.... He was no longer your boyfriend. He was your ex. So to your questions, 1. Yes, anyone can be with your ex. The question is why do you think you can tell him or your friends who or who not to see? 2. You are not justified. 3. You may call them friends or not, but they did nothing wrong. 4. You may do what you want, but there really is nothing that justifies you doing anything. 5. You decide how you feel, but how would you feel if your ex told you who you could see or not see now that he is no longer your boyfriend? What your friends did may feel like a betrayal, but objectively or technically, it is not. This plus she knows he wants to get back with her and admits he's trying yet she is acting this way? Either get back together with him or go NC. OP doesn't sound all that better than the other women in this story. At least they aren't stringing him along and using him for attention like she is.
Jj66 Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 Only two relevant experiences I can draw on here. A good friend would not be with your ex behind your back. 1. I screwed my ex's friend once a week for 4 months and felt zero guilt because my ex had cheated on me. I was partly motivated by revenge I think but my ex never found out about the dalliances. I don't think I did anything wrong here. Her friend on the other hand showed that she was not a very good friend (the friend propositioned me - I was not pursuing in the least). 2. When I broke up with my fiancée, a so-called friend moved in on her the moment the word got out. I found out about it and I gave them my blessings. I knew it didn't have a chance of lasting. He wasn't her type and she had initially rejected him for me years before. He was just a vulture taking advantage of her emotional turmoil. She briefly dated him and then when she came to her senses and told him she couldn't do it he got very angry, accused her of leading him on, and told her if he didn't see her for 10,000 years it would be too soon. Interesting that an engagement can be broken off and the people remain friends while somebody who goes on half a dozen dates and then breaks up can no longer stand to be in her presence. She was, and still is one of the nicest, gentlest, and considerate people I have ever met. My "friend" had an in testing perspective. He was begging like a dog for her affection and blatantly trying to buy her favor with "supportive" actions yet he accused her of leading him on. What did he expect would happen after putting the hard sell on someone coming out of an engagement who still had feelings for her ex? After that dissolved she quickly met someone else and got engaged and later married while I took a different direction and decided to become a player for awhile until I got it all out of my system.
kendahke Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 I had no rights over him, we were broken up at that time. He was leading you to believe he wanted to reconcile with you and you were on board--which I'm sure wasn't a secret to these two alley cats. That is the issue, not that he was your ex. What if he was a guy you'd been seeing but hadn't committed to yet and they did this? Same difference. But I could have stomached him messing around with any floozy. Why did it have to be my best friend? because she was never your friend: she was your frenemy. You didn't know that you were in competition with her because she was playing false with you the whole time. Also I am finding it so much harder to forgive the friend, than my ex. My ex was a bit of a lech anyway, but I'm deeply disappointed in my friend. She should have known better. And stuck to bro code. That's reasonable to feel this way. One doesn't expect for their girl to plant the knife between the shoulder blades, but some of these alley cats do that. 1
kendahke Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 Precisely. I wanted my breakup to be amicable. Looks like it isn't to be. I wish I could confront my ex and be done with this pretense of a friendship. You can. All it takes is a made up mind to clear your life of negativity and toxicity. Change isn't hard. You do it, it's done. It's the decision to change that's hard.
kendahke Posted February 11, 2017 Posted February 11, 2017 (edited) My ex is a "he". The 2 friends are the "she"s. Yes I know. I think my friend wants to salvage her reputation. She is already sort of known for being easy. Plus the disciplinary issues. If people see me cut her off (after having stayed by her side for over 1.5 years, through her toughest times), they will certainly wonder what went wrong. And she would be judged even more harshly if word of her messing her best friend's ex get out. You realize that none of this is your problem, right? She made that bed, not you. She made a decision to knife you in the back when she knew damb well you and dude were attempting to reconcile. Yes, he's a scum bag of the highest order, but this is your girl--the one who you're supposed to trust. Here's the thing: if she knew she was in the right to begin with, she'd have come to you and said she was going to get with him. She'd have owned it and not necessarily seeking your permission but giving you a heads up so that you wouldn't have been blindsided by the news. She wouldn't have done it behind your back and let you find out well after the fact. She'd done everything she could not to cause you harm if she had anything remotely like integrity. But when you say put her out on the street, do you mean I should tell anyone who asks me the exact reason for cutting all 3 of them off? Since I owe them nothing?Trust me, your bestie is going to run you down behind your back in order to salvage her messed up, yet validly earned reputation in order to make herself 1. the victim; 2. look like the better person. If your town is small enough, someone is going to eventually ask you about it. Whether you tell them or not depends upon how comfortable that tape feels over your mouth. No, you don't owe them anything, but truth and right is on your side, not hers, not your ex's and not anyone else. Edited February 11, 2017 by kendahke
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