Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Broke up with my ex in August. He has been on a mission to win me back since then. In October, I found out that he messed with one of my friends. Base 2, clothes on. They denied it till last month. Few weeks back he confessed the truth to me. This lady has been in and out of many beds before my boyfriends. She is outwardly so manipulative and slutty that guys are afraid of giving her any signals. I am currently not talking to her. Few days back, my very best friend confessed that she went to Base 2 (possibly 3, she does not "remember"), clothes completely OFF with him, around September-October. She made me promise to not discuss this with my ex. She didn't want to be "dragged into" our fights, it seems. She never exactly said sorry, but she expressed some regret that our relationship may not be the same again, or that I may lose faith in friendships altogether. We've been carrying on normally since this conversation, as if nothing happened. But the betrayal stabs and freezes me over for a few minutes to a few hours everyday. I think at some level I am afraid of losing this one last person as friend, and hence I am carrying on normally. Also, this friend has had her fair share of one night stands. Comfort f**cks, whenever she has felt like them. She is now in this cutesy little relationship with a classmate, who doesn't know half the truth about her. Least of all about her messing with her best friends's ex. I know that technically we were broken up, but does that give any right to my friends to mess with my ex? Am I justified in feeling miserable and hateful? Should I even call these girls my friends? What should I do? How should I feel?
oneinamillion93 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Broke up with my ex in August. He has been on a mission to win me back since then. In October, I found out that he messed with one of my friends. Base 2, clothes on. They denied it till last month. Few weeks back he confessed the truth to me. This lady has been in and out of many beds before my boyfriends. She is outwardly so manipulative and slutty that guys are afraid of giving her any signals. I am currently not talking to her. Few days back, my very best friend confessed that she went to Base 2 (possibly 3, she does not "remember"), clothes completely OFF with him, around September-October. She made me promise to not discuss this with my ex. She didn't want to be "dragged into" our fights, it seems. She never exactly said sorry, but she expressed some regret that our relationship may not be the same again, or that I may lose faith in friendships altogether. We've been carrying on normally since this conversation, as if nothing happened. But the betrayal stabs and freezes me over for a few minutes to a few hours everyday. I think at some level I am afraid of losing this one last person as friend, and hence I am carrying on normally. Also, this friend has had her fair share of one night stands. Comfort f**cks, whenever she has felt like them. She is now in this cutesy little relationship with a classmate, who doesn't know half the truth about her. Least of all about her messing with her best friends's ex. I know that technically we were broken up, but does that give any right to my friends to mess with my ex? Am I justified in feeling miserable and hateful? Should I even call these girls my friends? What should I do? How should I feel? Well technically they can date, and do whatever they want as long as that moment you and your boyfriend are done. I won't talk about the "right" here I'm talking about Moral. If I have a best friend and she do that to me I totally have right to question and end up that relationship. But it's just me, everyone has their own way and their own boundaries. Maybe to someone else this is alright and acceptable. And I would question my ex as well. What kind of people messing around with ex-gf's friends? If it's something serious other than a fling then you should wish them a happy ending. But it's not, I don't really understand how can people live like this, no moral and no responsibility. You do nothing. Stay away from those people, live a better life, get a new boyfriend that love and appreciate yourself. 2
kendahke Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Few days back, my very best friend confessed that she went to Base 2 (possibly 3, she does not "remember"), clothes completely OFF with him, around September-October. She made me promise to not discuss this with my ex. She didn't want to be "dragged into" our fights, it seems. She rather lost the right to ask that of you the moment she ok'd it with herself to strip and join in with your boyfriend in their little romp together, so I'd speak up and say something to him today. Eff her. She's no longer a part of your life, right? Right? RIGHT? She never exactly said sorry, but she expressed some regret that our relationship may not be the same again, or that I may lose faith in friendships altogether. We've been carrying on normally since this conversation, as if nothing happened. But the betrayal stabs and freezes me over for a few minutes to a few hours everyday. I think at some level I am afraid of losing this one last person as friend, and hence I am carrying on normally. It's time for you to do some toxic/negative energy clearing in your life and it starts with these three alleycats. Anyone who calls themselves a true friend of yours would cut her arms off before she would agree to betray her bff like that. She wasn't your bff. She wasn't your friend. She's a frenemy--and has probably been a "silent irate" around you because she was jealous of your relationship--so in secret, she hatched a plan to lob a spanner into the gears of your relationship. Now she has the gall to ask you to not own your disgust, anger and feelings of betrayal because she doesn't want the bad feels. Girl!!! No!! Also, this friend has had her fair share of one night stands. Comfort f**cks, whenever she has felt like them. She is now in this cutesy little relationship with a classmate, who doesn't know half the truth about her. Least of all about her messing with her best friends's ex. As seductive as it is to exact revenge on her, your best bet is to cut her out of your life. Radio silence for her. Find a new circle of friends immediately and never, ever allow them to make you feel as if you did something wrong for trusting them when they did not possess the requisite integrity to cover a flea. I know that technically we were broken up, but does that give any right to my friends to mess with my ex? Am I justified in feeling miserable and hateful? Should I even call these girls my friends? What should I do? How should I feel? It's really not a matter of what rights they had--it's about the kind of character these two are and the fact that they are breathtakingly selfish and self centered. You are more than justified in being incandescent. If I was you, I'd have nothing more to do with them--used to didn't know you, ya know? How you should feel is how you are feeling: betrayed by imps who didn't deserve your friendship. I'm so very sorry you're dealing with this offal dumped in your lap by all 3 of them. I wish you happiness in your future with people who are honorable and loyal to you. 2
Zahara Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 But the betrayal stabs and freezes me over for a few minutes to a few hours everyday. I think at some level I am afraid of losing this one last person as friend, and hence I am carrying on normally. Personally, I would never do this to a friend. Be strong within yourself to be alone. If what she did has broken your boundary, remain true to that rather than compromise your values and what you believe in because you need a friend. You shouldn't tolerate bad behavior just because you're afraid to lose someone, especially someone that didn't choose to prioritize or value a friendship but rather a romp in the sack. Find new friends. Surround yourself with positive people. 2
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 @oneinamillion93, I agree with you! It isn't about the right, it's about the morals of it. Isn't there a code? That you NEVER mess with your friend's boyfriends/exes? (Rather, with exes - permission needs to be sought? And it was nothing serious. They messed around for an afternoon or so. The second friend is in a committed relationship now. With a guy she probably doesn't deserve.
JamesM Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I know that technically we were broken up, but does that give any right to my friends to mess with my ex? Am I justified in feeling miserable and hateful? Should I even call these girls my friends? What should I do? How should I feel? Easy answers.... He was no longer your boyfriend. He was your ex. So to your questions, 1. Yes, anyone can be with your ex. The question is why do you think you can tell him or your friends who or who not to see? 2. You are not justified. 3. You may call them friends or not, but they did nothing wrong. 4. You may do what you want, but there really is nothing that justifies you doing anything. 5. You decide how you feel, but how would you feel if your ex told you who you could see or not see now that he is no longer your boyfriend? What your friends did may feel like a betrayal, but objectively or technically, it is not. 3
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 @kendahke, sending over massive hugs to you. I felt so miserable till now. She had enough reasons to be jealous too. She was faced with disciplinary proceedings and rustication till a few weeks back. She can probably not get a good job for a long while now. While I landed one of the best jobs on campus. I can't believe how self centered she has been in asking "not to get dragged" into this. It was a mess entirely of her own making. And she doesn't want to feel the load or guilt even for a second. She said she felt relieved after telling me, because now there were no secrets between us. All the load shifted to my heart now.
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 I'm sorry JamesM, I find I must respectfully disagree with you, the Kantian that I am. Follow a moral for the sake of a moral - it is the motto I would die by. I do not subscribe to the consequentialist view that you have put forth. 1
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 Yes @Zahara I agree with you. I shouldn't stick around for the fear of losing her. I should stay true my morals.
JamesM Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Easy answers.... He was no longer your boyfriend. He was your ex. So to your questions, 1. Yes, anyone can be with your ex. The question is why do you think you can tell him or your friends who or who not to see? 2. You are not justified. 3. You may call them friends or not, but they did nothing wrong. 4. You may do what you want, but there really is nothing that justifies you doing anything. 5. You decide how you feel, but how would you feel if your ex told you who you could see or not see now that he is no longer your boyfriend? What your friends did may feel like a betrayal, but objectively or technically, it is not. Okay,. I was adding some changes but it was too late, so briefly: Most friends would ask another friend if it was okay to be with an ex, but it is not morally wrong. It is hurtful though. The only time I had something close is when a friend asked to go out with a girl that I broke up with, and I said it was fine. I was surprised he asked as it didn't matter to me, but he felt that as a friend he should. 1
JamesM Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I'm sorry JamesM, I find I must respectfully disagree with you, the Kantian that I am. Follow a moral for the sake of a moral - it is the motto I would die by. I do not subscribe to the consequentialist view that you have put forth. I added more in my next response. But you are free to disagree. When we ask questions, we will get different views. Hopefully the answers will help us formulate our own. 1
JamesM Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) I have a question. Would it ever be okay for a friend to be with an ex? Should she have asked for your "permission?" And why? EDIT: Now that I have read about you from your other thread....I understand you better. Based on your past history, I see why it bothered you more than say, it may have bothered me. It is another rejection and blast against you. Knowing that, while my answers still stand for "most" people, I can say that yes, it is very understandable why you feel as you did. Based on the history you have, then I would suggest that you find friends that help you and do not bring you down. Your friend may not have technically done anything wrong, but she has proven not to be the kind of friend that will be what you need. Move on, find new friends, and realize that you are a unique person who has much to offer despite what those in your past have told you. Edited February 10, 2017 by JamesM 2
olivetree Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 If one of my friends got with any of my exes, that would be the end of our friendship. Especially without any remorse! There are just too many men to date out there that I don't see the need to go for someone I have a history with. But that's just me. I have a friend whose friends have dated each others exes. They are from a small town so the pickings are slim and a lot of the dating occurred in high school. It clearly bothers you that your friend did this and she is not remorseful. Try not to be afraid of conflict and risking the friendship. You need to be true to yourself and tell her how much that hurt you. It is better to be alone than to settle and be treated badly. 1
kendahke Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 @kendahke, sending over massive hugs to you. I felt so miserable till now. She had enough reasons to be jealous too. She was faced with disciplinary proceedings and rustication till a few weeks back. She can probably not get a good job for a long while now. While I landed one of the best jobs on campus. I can't believe how self centered she has been in asking "not to get dragged" into this. It was a mess entirely of her own making. And she doesn't want to feel the load or guilt even for a second. She said she felt relieved after telling me, because now there were no secrets between us. All the load shifted to my heart now. That is the issue with this method of "confessing"--they don't do it because they know they screwed you over---it's that they don't want to feel the shame, self-disgust and uncomfortable feelings behind the treachery they engaged in, so they shift it onto the person they betrayed to hold it. To top it off they put tape over your mouth and demand that you shut up and not bring it up ever again and go along like everything is normal when it isn't. I'd so be on the phone right now giving my ex an earful and she would be on block before I did that. She'd be cut out of all social media and social activities on campus I was involved in... and if anyone asks, I'd put her business in the street for her. You owe her nothing. They both knew you and the ex were on the road to reconciliation, but they didn't care--they wanted to have what they thought you had and didn't care how they got it. They all 3 deserve one another and the hell each of them will bring. Be brave--you're the only one in the right here and that can be a lonely road. 3
preraph Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 You are not unreasonable. Good friends would not do that! It happened to me. I was in love and it was rocky because he was still in the process of divorce, so we had ups and downs and because it was complicated, we called it off a time or two, but then we got back together once the dust settled. During one of those my best friend slept with him and wanted me to know it. I knew her for 17 years! She had betrayed me once in high school gossiping and I cut her off but then reunited in college since she's the only one I knew there and vice versa. I wish I never had taken her back. I gave myself 6 weeks to calm down before kicking her out of the apartment and reading him. Friends have no right to USE you in order to get next to any of your boyfriends or exes. It's low. Mine then went and tried to sidle up to other guys in my address book too and a bunch of them, once they heard the story about her sleeping with my bf, turned on her and she left town. Once someone betrays you, unless it's something you can put off to immaturity, get them out of your life. I mean, we all did things in college like pass men around like cookies, but none of us was serious. It's different when someone exploits their knowledge about you to tell secrets and get next to someone they've been coveting or to just hurt you. It's a betrayal. Don't let them come around or see your social media anymore. Find better friends or do without rather than having ones who act like hyenas. 2
lurker74 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Get new friends. I don't date friend's exes. However, if I did, it would only be because of strong feelings (i.e. not just strong lust) that exceeding my feelings for my friend. If that is true of your friends and it is true that that it was meaningless physicality, then it likely means they don't care that much about you. So move on. It will be scary at first but better than staying. 2
JustGettingBy Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Leave all 3 of them in the dust and never look back. Let those two fight over him, and then when it caves in on them, those three stooges can clean up the mess that's their fault. 2
niji Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) I have a question. Would it ever be okay for a friend to be with an ex? Should she have asked for your "permission?" And why? It depends on a whole host of circumstances, but there's no hard answer such as, "He's taken, it's a no-brainer hellno". If the breakup was amicable, and/or person A has no more feelings for their ex, it's a "proceed with caution" at best. Assuming that you'll be seeing person A after getting together with her ex, you'lll also have to be sure that, in addition to person A being over the ex, her ex is also over her. Imagine an awkward gathering where your bf goes over to your friend and confess, "I'm with B now but I'm still not over you." Awkward is not even gonna cover it If the ex was an a*s and hurt my friend, the answer is so easy - I don't date a**holes. If the friend hurt the ex, I'd be very careful not to be involved - what if he's using me as a revenge tool. This getting together with friend's ex sounds too much like a soap opera I can't even fathom getting involved. If it was me, I'd never actively seek out the companionship of my friend's ex. It's just not worth it. The only scenario where things can develop is if we happen to be constantly exposed to each other (ie working together), each of us being single at the time, and there's a spark. Like I said, not a hard stop "nope, no way, he's taken" type. Ultimately, you have to assess the risk of losing that friendship if you get involved - and then determine, is the man more worth it or the friend. And will you be able to stomach all of the complications at gatherings. This is why it's advantageous to date outside of one's friends circle. But all in all, no, you do not HAVE to ask for permission. If you've determined it's appropriate to proceed, then tell the friend when you/she are ready. And you'lll be ready for any fallout, because you have determined, knowing that he's your friend's ex, that he's worth all of that. Edited February 10, 2017 by niji 1
kendahke Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 It's different when someone exploits their knowledge about you to tell secrets and get next to someone they've been coveting or to just hurt you. It's a betrayal. Precisely! that's exactly what this is: coveting what someone else has... there's a reason why this is listed as one of the 10 commandments. covet [kuhv-it] verb (used with object) 1.to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others 2
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 covet [kuhv-it] verb (used with object) 1.to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others I had no rights over him, we were broken up at that time. But I could have stomached him messing around with any floozy. Why did it have to be my best friend? Also I am finding it so much harder to forgive the friend, than my ex. My ex was a bit of a lech anyway, but I'm deeply disappointed in my friend. She should have known better. And stuck to bro code.
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 Leave all 3 of them in the dust and never look back. Let those two fight over him, and then when it caves in on them, those three stooges can clean up the mess that's their fault. Precisely. I wanted my breakup to be amicable. Looks like it isn't to be. I wish I could confront my ex and be done with this pretense of a friendship.
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 Get new friends. I don't date friend's exes. However, if I did, it would only be because of strong feelings (i.e. not just strong lust) that exceeding my feelings for my friend. If that is true of your friends and it is true that that it was meaningless physicality, then it likely means they don't care that much about you. So move on. It will be scary at first but better than staying. There were no feelings involved, it was just messing around. She told me she should have stopped it immediately, but she couldn't even think straight when the clothes were off. Only afterwards, it seems she had enough sense in her to go to him and tell him it could never happen again. She says my ex was very persuasive and needy, but it should not have mattered to her.
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 I have a question. Would it ever be okay for a friend to be with an ex? Should she have asked for your "permission?" And why? EDIT: Now that I have read about you from your other thread....I understand you better. Based on your past history, I see why it bothered you more than say, it may have bothered me. It is another rejection and blast against you. Knowing that, while my answers still stand for "most" people, I can say that yes, it is very understandable why you feel as you did. Based on the history you have, then I would suggest that you find friends that help you and do not bring you down. Your friend may not have technically done anything wrong, but she has proven not to be the kind of friend that will be what you need. Move on, find new friends, and realize that you are a unique person who has much to offer despite what those in your past have told you. Thank you for your understanding, JamesM. I find it really hard to trust people like others do, and it really worries me.
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 That is the issue with this method of "confessing"--they don't do it because they know they screwed you over---it's that they don't want to feel the shame, self-disgust and uncomfortable feelings behind the treachery they engaged in, so they shift it onto the person they betrayed to hold it. To top it off they put tape over your mouth and demand that you shut up and not bring it up ever again and go along like everything is normal when it isn't. I'd so be on the phone right now giving my ex an earful and she would be on block before I did that. She'd be cut out of all social media and social activities on campus I was involved in... and if anyone asks, I'd put her business in the street for her. You owe her nothing. They both knew you and the ex were on the road to reconciliation, but they didn't care--they wanted to have what they thought you had and didn't care how they got it. They all 3 deserve one another and the hell each of them will bring. Be brave--you're the only one in the right here and that can be a lonely road. My ex is a "he". The 2 friends are the "she"s. Yes, I have a HUGE problem in not being able to confront my ex and move the f*** on. I think my friend wants to salvage her reputation. She is already sort of known for being easy. Plus the disciplinary issues. If people see me cut her off (after having stayed by her side for over 1.5 years, through her toughest times), they will certainly wonder what went wrong. And she would be judged even more harshly if word of her messing her best friend's ex get out. But when you say put her out on the street, do you mean I should tell anyone who asks me the exact reason for cutting all 3 of them off? Since I owe them nothing?
Author Fauxnom Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 You are not unreasonable. Good friends would not do that! It happened to me. I was in love and it was rocky because he was still in the process of divorce, so we had ups and downs and because it was complicated, we called it off a time or two, but then we got back together once the dust settled. During one of those my best friend slept with him and wanted me to know it. I knew her for 17 years! She had betrayed me once in high school gossiping and I cut her off but then reunited in college since she's the only one I knew there and vice versa. I wish I never had taken her back. I gave myself 6 weeks to calm down before kicking her out of the apartment and reading him. Friends have no right to USE you in order to get next to any of your boyfriends or exes. It's low. Mine then went and tried to sidle up to other guys in my address book too and a bunch of them, once they heard the story about her sleeping with my bf, turned on her and she left town. Once someone betrays you, unless it's something you can put off to immaturity, get them out of your life. I mean, we all did things in college like pass men around like cookies, but none of us was serious. It's different when someone exploits their knowledge about you to tell secrets and get next to someone they've been coveting or to just hurt you. It's a betrayal. Don't let them come around or see your social media anymore. Find better friends or do without rather than having ones who act like hyenas. I am so sorry that you had to go through that! It sounds a lot worse than my story! 17 years and to have been betrayed twice over by a friend!!! The thing is, I wasn't passing around my ex like a cookie. My friend knew every single detail of our relationship and she knew exactly how much I was into him. And I was still not completely over him after the break up. And that I went mad and harmed myself after the breakup. YET she betrayed me.
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