usa1ah Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 The therapist was sorta hot, she has wild eyes, a crazy wild look in her eyes. I've never had any trouble hooking up with women, I was blessed with good looks so I never had to spend much time "wooing" females for dates. I would ask and they would say yes, or they would approach and proposition me. Anyway I'm afraid my wife is addicted to the dopamine release the online sexting was giving her. During our conversations about it she has told me that she tried many times during her 18 month sexting rampage that she tried to stop but couldn't. Also she said that after I found out it was hard for her to stop, but now that it has been a few months she is over it and has no desire to every live that lifestyle again. She says over and over again that she wishes she could go back and erase it but she can't change the past. She says that she is disgusted with what she did, that she was giving her time to these men instead of her family. The attention, she loved the attention, it gave her a high, she said she was hooked and couldn't stop. I don't know what to do, the ball is in my court so I'm the one that has to make the decision to keep the family together or break it up. That really pisses me off that I have to be the one to make that decision. I kinda of wish she left me for another man, boom it is over, it is on her not me. She can be the "bad" one that makes the decision. Sure I can say the reason I'm divorcing your mother is because she was having multiple affairs, however she is begging to stay together and stopped the betrayal, and is in IC. So I look like the bad guy for not giving her a chance to make it right and keep the family together. Z remember, your wife has done this. If you can not stay with her it is her doing. Her actions have caused all of this. She will be the one that broke up the family. 1
Just a Guy Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Hi ZH, good to know that you are soldiering on with your head screwed on the right way! Inspire of the horror you have had to face you seem level headed about everything. Yes it is obvious that you ate in pain and on the horns of a dilemma, but the rational way you respond to queries from others makes it obvious that you have your emotions and feelings in control. After what you wrote about being blessed with good looks and it being easy for you to pick up women for dates I am left wondering what it is about your wife that you see that is keeping you bound to her after her horrid deception of you? It seems to me that you could replace her in a heart beat and that too with a woman who would be miles ahead of her in every way but without any of her flaws. In your place other men would be chafing at the bit so to speak to move on with their lives rather than hanging on to the ragged bits of their old lives because of some noble ideas about not breaking up their families. As others have said, your wife is the one who did the breaking up and now you are the one trying yo gather up all the pieces and stick them together with super glue! The question on everyone's mind is Why? I wouldn't recommend that you hook up with your wild eyed therapist of course. Looks like more trouble there in the future. However, you could find any number of decent stable women if you looked for them and you could leave your current wife in your rear view mirror wondering what hit her. That would probably be the best therapy she could get all for free. Anyway, just think about it. Warm wishes.
Author zombiehead Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 Wife is at her parents til Thursday. Getting up with the twins this morning making breakfast without her doesnt feel right. I guess I miss her and the twins miss her. It feels like we are not complete without her, there is a missing part of our famliy and that is her. 2
Author zombiehead Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 Reading about Anthony Weiner and his sexting addiciton and it is pretty similar with my wife. Basically the only difference is that she wasn't sexting with minors as far as I know. Some of Weiner's quotes remind me of my wife. “I have a sickness, but I do not have an excuse.” Anthony Weiner What is so appealing about sexting that so many people do it? I don't get it? People living their lives online. Well this is forum is like living your life online I guess. I have facebook but I never check it, this is my only venture into online communication with people. I use the internet for research and that is how I ended up here. I saw my wife snapping nude pics and she wouldn't unlock her phone so I started researching that behavior and I ended up here talking with online strangers about it, looking for help. The family doesn't feel complete without my wife. Yes she screwed up and I have every right to divorce her for it, however the bottom line is that divorcing would be my decision. She wants the marriage, she is trying to change, the ball is in my court whether to keep the family together or not. I'm sure the twins would want me to keep the family together, to give their mommy another chance. It would be easier for me to divorce if her betrayal continued, or if she left me. Now the decision is totally mine, I will own it, that is the bottom line. 4
HereNorThere Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) I mean, it is a symptom. It's a symptom of a much larger personality issue. At the very least, she's histronic but she also has major problems with impulse control. You're basically dealing a teenager in an adult's body making adult decisions. Anthony Weiner is a great example because he didn't stop until he was convicted. He lost his job, wife, kids and helped hand the country over to a hostile foreign enemy all because he wanted to sext. Think about that for a while. Despite the most disastrous of consequences, he didn't stop until he was actually convicted in a court of law. - That's the level of addiction you're looking at here. You're going to give her another chance and while I think you're taking a super dangerous chance, you're still going to do it. Please, for the sake of your kids, figure out how you can protect yourself so you don't end up like Huma. At the very least, polygraphs and bullet proof post-nup so that you can afford a place for the twins after she does this again. Part of looking out for their best interest is having an exit strategy and the money to provide them a stable home once she goes off the rails again. Given her personality, it's sort of inevitable at some point. Set appropriate expections, hide money in some Bitcoin wallets and with trusted family members, etc that she can't get to. Occasionally VAR her just to check in. GPS the car, etc. Don't take this kind of risk without calculating it and preparing for the worst, just in case. I do hope she gets better though. More importantly, I hope you get better. You obviously deserve better but I admire that you're looking out for your kids. Good luck and if you ever want to get away, come to Colorado. We have ways of making you forget all about your problems. You know, that Rocky Mountain high John Denver is always singing about. Edited May 21, 2017 by HereNorThere 1
aliveagain Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 zombiehead, this is your life and you can live it or waste it, the choice is always yours. I remember back on February 10th when you first posted your suspicions, almost everyone told you the same thing, she's cheating, too many red flags. It took 9 pages of posting before you had the hard proof you were looking for and another 5 pages of posting before you finally confronted her. You can choose to have a relationship with women of any personality type as long as your prepared. You now know why your stay at home wife never did any house work and why she bought so many sexy garments and sex toys, she was to busy cheating on you with multiple men. If you choose the behaviour you choose the consequence that goes with it. Prepare yourself, talk to a lawyer that has experience in protecting assets, your biggest assets being your twin boys. 1
Author zombiehead Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) The twins are a boy and girl. I really appreciate the responses, I appreciate you guys giving your time to help see things through a different point of view. Last week on my suggestion I recommended that she start using her smartphone again. She was using an old flip phone that only calls or texts and the battery was terrible, it would only hold a charge for about 20 minutes tops. Well she is back on facebook, which I have the password and can monitor it. The problem I'm having is I feel like online friends are more important than our relationship. For example, last night she and her parents went for a walk on a nature trail. She took pics and posted them on her facebook page with a description. "Had a nice stroll with mom and dad, we saw a skunk and a turtle, beautiful night". Also they went out for lunch and she took a selfie in front of the restaurant saying, "this place has the best pecan pancakes I can't wait to have some". None of the pics came to me, no phone calls about what she is doing with her folks. Today the pics of her time with at her parents are popping up all over social media but they are not coming personally to me. I find out about her life through social media, I'm just realizing that has how it's been for a long time. I'm just one of her online "followers" not really her husband. Why can't she send with the IMO very personal pic of the natural trail in a private text saying something like, "I'm having a nice time with my parents, I wish you and the twins are here with me". Instead she updates online strangers, I feel like just one of her online "followers". The closeness is gone, it has been gone for a long time. When I'm out doing something without my wife and I want to share it I text her, directly, personally, I don't put it on facebook or some other social media site and let my wife find out that way. Maybe we have just grown apart, together but alone. Now that she has that smartphone back she is always on it. The phone is on her nightstand and she checks it when she makes up, it's in her hand all day. I have full access to it so I can check at anytime I want, but still she is glued to that phone. At bedtime she is on it, I make a "sigh" noise and she will put it down, but the point is I have to ask her to give our relationship attention, she would rather have her face buried in her phone than interact with me and our kids. I want to tell her that I want the phone back and off facebook and everything else, but she will pout and mope around like a punished teenager. I want her to take the initiative herself, I want her to decided on her what is more important, I don't want to have to force my wife to focus on our marriage and kids, she should be able to do that on her own. Edited May 21, 2017 by zombiehead 2
HereNorThere Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 So you handed an alcoholic a keg and a case of whiskey and trusted them to just have one drink on the weekend? Bad form, bro. Bad form. Do you have any way to monitor the phone? At a minimum, you should have those pictures backing up the cloud so you can monitor them. Oh man, you are so setting yourself for more failure. At this point, I think you should just whip out your junk and send her a picture or video. Yeah, it will be triggering at first, but not anymore triggering than having sex with her. She's broken and your post just blantant points that out. She NEEDS the external validation. She's gonna sext people and quite frankly, it can either be you or someone else. Maybe you can redirect some of that energy and narcissism toward you instead. You let her go on her own for a week with access to smart phone? Are you nuts? She hasn't been clean long enough for that. Baby steps, man. Baby steps. 3
aliveagain Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) Friend, your asking someone who has been making bad selfish choices since July 2015 and expect after 2 or so months change the way she makes decisions. Really? She will need a lot of professional help before that happens. People with addictions shouldn't be allowed to set their own boundaries. Why wouldn't you both share a Facebook page if Facebook was that necessary? Edited May 21, 2017 by aliveagain 3
Author zombiehead Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 When she takes a photo with the phone it goes to the cloud. I don't want to have to go check the cloud to be included in her life. She should have texted me directly, personally, privately the pics she is taking while visiting her parents. Instead she shares with online people, not her husband. Today I'm going to try the lead by example approach. It rained this morning so the mountain bike trails are closed, the twins and I are going to bike around the lake on the concrete and gravel trails and I will take some pics and text them directly with her, not post them on social media for her to find out about, but personally and privately by direct text to her and only her. I could write, the twins are enjoying the nice temp and blue skies riding around the lake, we wish you were here, I wanted to share this experience with you privately, I don't want you to find out what we are doing from a facebook post. Is that passive aggressive? I want to tell her how it bothers me that she puts her life on social media and that is how the twins and I found out what she is up to, she doesn't text or call us directly. It makes me feel like her online followers are more important. Does that make me look "needy"? I want to tell her how it bothers me without sounded like a wimp.
HereNorThere Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) Yeah, it is passive aggressive but you have to work with what you got. It's like trying explain physics to my pug here. It seems like she's listening but I don't expect her to write a paper on time-space any time soon. I hate to be fatalistic, but at this point, none of the passive aggression or even reasonable conversation is going to make a difference. She's either incapable of realizing what's she's doing or doesn't care. A truly remorseful spouse would be going out of their way to not trigger you. It sounds to me like she's rationalized and justified what she's done and turned it around to where you're the "big meanie" in the relationship that doesn't let her have any fun. I think your only real option is to try and interject yourself in her other life and see how she reacts. It's just sickening, man. The way you describe her being on her phone non-stop after everything that's happened. She's sacrificing your emotional well-being for likes on social media. Soooo cold. She absolutely doesn't get or simply doesn't care about what she's done. Watch your back, homie. This will not end well for you. I was actually feeling more hopeful about your situation until now but has anything really changed? She's still going online for validation. Whether she posts a picture of a tree or her cooter is probably more about opportunity than anything else. Edited May 21, 2017 by HereNorThere 3
Author zombiehead Posted May 21, 2017 Author Posted May 21, 2017 Man, she has 868 "friends" on her facebook. I have whopping 31. She has a hand full of real friends, how the hell does she have 800 on her facebook? Out of my 31 facebook friends, 2 are close friends, another 4-5 or somewhat close friends, the rest are people I knew in HS or family I haven't seen in decades. I guess updating her fan club of 800 is more important than trying to reconnect with her family.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 You have access...clean out her friend list and remove any men you do not personally know. When she questions you...you have the opportunity to let her know your facebook rules....and if she is not willing to comply...facebook goes bye bye. over 800 friends on facebook is ridiculous....i know alot of people like to "collect" friends....but my own personal feeling is...unless someone is part of my life...they dont need to be my facebook friend and be up in my business.... and the same thing for the phone...if she doesn't "get it" she loses her phone priveleges. She wants to act like a child...she can be treated as one. YOur rules are the rules...it is really quite that simple and if she doesn't like your rules...bye bye. It is up to her to make you feel safe not the other way around. Stop coddling her. Be kind...be respectful...be firm. In her defense on the picture thing...I never send my husband pictures...i put them on facebook because i know he will see them there. I dont think that is an uncommon thing to do. I will also ask you...because i dont remember....do her parents know what she has done? 3
Jersey born raised Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Does she know you feel this way? Can she honor your desires? I instinctively agree with you. We are the same in this manner. I think people who post like your wife are divorcing themselves from real life wither because they simply lack tha ability to form real relationships or something is missing in their life that they are using on line posts to fill a hole. Either way this is a threat to the marriage you need and want. To a large degree the only people she should give a damn about are her family. Screw the rest of the world. I have to wonder about her FOO (family of origin). As to the IC, if it was not a shyt test dump her. She is a predator, no different then a pedophile working in a school. 1
reboot Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 If as some suggest you have to treat her like a child, taking away privileges such as phones and Facebook, your marriage is already over. *shrug* 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 If as some suggest you have to treat her like a child, taking away privileges such as phones and Facebook, your marriage is already over. *shrug* He has to help her resetablish boundaries and rules and what is or is not acceptable behavior to him. She obviously has poor judgement. I agree with you that he should not have to do this...she should be able to figure this out on her own...she should be willing to do whatever he asks of her at this point. I see him doing an awful lot of the heavy lifting....when it should be HER doing it....however...he seems to beleive she is mentally ill...and if that is the case...if she really is sick...then i understand how he has to "help" her understand. If that means treating her like a child...then that choice is his. If he beleives in his heart...she is sick...i also understand his effort to stay by her side. He has for pages...tried to lay this foundation of mental illness. she did this because she is sick not bad. Ok...I buy it. If this then is the precedence for how he will now treat her....what he is willing to accept....then he has to tell her. If he fears telling her will make her flee...then he has to rethink everything...because he simply cannot live the rest of his life in fear. It isn't good for him or his children. This op has flipped and gone in so many directions it tells me he is still confused and searching and hoping...it also tells me he really is not sure how to approach her. He wants her....the way she used to be. He cant have that. Now what? 2
BaileyB Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) So, you have given this "addict" access to her "addiction," and yet you are upset when she spends all her time on the phone engaging in on social media with all of her "friends?" Your wife has the social and emotional maturity of a teenager. Because she has shown poor judgment, seeks attention and validation from others online, and has a complete lack of appropriate boundaries as far as her phone is concerned - you now have a parent child relationship where you are responsible for monitoring her online activities to ensure that she does the responsible thing for you, and your family. I can appreciate how it feels like something is missing this weekend, as you are enjoying a weekend with your twins and she is not there. However, I fear that you are missing something that has never really been "there" in the way that you wanted, or believed, your wife was "there" in your life all along... Edited May 21, 2017 by BaileyB 3
sandylee1 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 She said, "who likes sucking dik", and that is true she really doesn't like personally, she likes that it gives me pleasure but she doesn't like doing it. I believe that because yuck, who would like doing that, having that in your mouth. She said that she was mostly addicted to the attention, that she liked the compliments she was getting, that they told her how beautiful and desirable she was from the filtered edited photos she send, she loved hearing them tell her how pretty and sexy she was, and she was addicted to it. I absolutely agree with her on that point. I don't know your wife, but I believe it was about her enjoying the attention and it got out of hand. To keep that attention coming, you talk a load of crap and tell the guys what they want to hear, knowing it's never gonna happen. I do think this conversation she had was her telling you the truth. Her anger when you bring it up, is pure shame. Of course she knows she was way out of line and her being reminded of it, isn't going to be a welcome thought. That's not to say you have no right to bring it up. You certainly do... And she has no right to shout you down about it. 1
sandylee1 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 ZH, Some people are addicted to smartphones. I also check my phone when I wake up and it's usually always on me. I'm not cheating though and it doesn't mean that I don't focus on my family. You asked this... What is so appealing about sexting that so many people do it? I don't get it? It's about the attention and it enables people to present a fake fantastic version of themselves. You may be similar in many ways, but your wife is clearly a social media kind of person. When she returns, discuss how you'd like her to share things with you personally, rather than just posting on SM and explain why that's important to you.
HereNorThere Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 It's not just about sexting. If she just wanted to sext, she would have sexted you. She wanted to cheat. She wanted to humiliate you. She wanted to be dominated by these other men. She wanted these other men to dominate you (hence why she let them.) Sexting isn't the thrilling part. Doing it behind your back and getting away with it was. She resents you and wanted to make you pay for it. Why? I can only speculate but I suspect she dislikes the fact that you're a real adult. She wants to go back to high school. Sexting is really minimizing what happened. She cheated with multiple men. If it wasn't online, it would have been the milk man. Cheaters gonna cheat. 4
harrybrown Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 She is still addicted to her getting attention, and is still very selfish. open the lines of communication. tell her what you wrote here and let her know that she still does not put her family first. She can not beat the addiction. she needs her fix. If she can't beat it, she will be back breaking your heart again soon. Maybe D now before she hurts you again. And get that post nup now. 1
Friskyone4u Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 The therapist was sorta hot, she has wild eyes, a crazy wild look in her eyes. I've never had any trouble hooking up with women, I was blessed with good looks so I never had to spend much time "wooing" females for dates. I would ask and they would say yes, or they would approach and proposition me. Anyway I'm afraid my wife is addicted to the dopamine release the online sexting was giving her. During our conversations about it she has told me that she tried many times during her 18 month sexting rampage that she tried to stop but couldn't. Also she said that after I found out it was hard for her to stop, but now that it has been a few months she is over it and has no desire to every live that lifestyle again. She says over and over again that she wishes she could go back and erase it but she can't change the past. She says that she is disgusted with what she did, that she was giving her time to these men instead of her family. The attention, she loved the attention, it gave her a high, she said she was hooked and couldn't stop. I don't know what to do, the ball is in my court so I'm the one that has to make the decision to keep the family together or break it up. That really pisses me off that I have to be the one to make that decision. I kinda of wish she left me for another man, boom it is over, it is on her not me. She can be the "bad" one that makes the decision. Sure I can say the reason I'm divorcing your mother is because she was having multiple affairs, however she is begging to stay together and stopped the betrayal, and is in IC. So I look like the bad guy for not giving her a chance to make it right and keep the family together. OK Zombie, if someone is an alcoholic, they stay the hell out of bars, if someone is obese, they stay the hell out of refrigerators. Addictions do not heal themselves, and if she was ADDIcted to being an online porn star she should be staying the hell off of the internet unless you are around. You are 47 pages in on this thread and she is still giving you excuses. You really thing someone that addicted really has just stopped craving male attention??? Now D or R is your call at your schedule, but if you R and do not pop a polygraph test on her somewhere down the road ( and again if you have done one already), then you are making a big mistake and playing your home version of Russian roulette. And your first two aquestions are (1) she whatever date she says she stopped has she been in contact on any electronic forum with any other men that you are not aware of (2) does she have any electronic apps or accounts that you are not aware of (3) has she met any men in person Yes or no answers is all you need. Your other option if you stay is just "trust" her. How did that work for you??? 1
WilyWill Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Hard to see how it's passive aggressive to send nice family photos to someone. But she's so wrapped up in herself that she won't understand that you're setting an example for how you'd like her to behave. She feeds off of approval and attention from the online community, and it doesn't matter whether it comes in a message like "nice hike" or "nice tits". She really does need therapy to get to the bottom of her issues and the need for constant attention. She can make all the promises she wants, but until she can make herself satisfied with the amount of attention she's getting from loved ones, she'll continue looking for it elsewhere. 1
aileD Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 ZH. I'm a big fan of reconciliation and keeping families together. If you are going to stay, there's one thing you need to figure out. (Well many I'm sure but this one is imperative)...and that's this: she feels like she got out of control with the attention and couldn't quit but now that she has quit.....she is certain she won't go back. What she did was not the problem, it was only a symptom of the problem she has. She may not ever do those things again, but....what else might she do when she starts feeling the same way she felt when she started all this? She needs to get to the root of the problem. If it were me, It would be difficult for me to stay if that wasn't resolved 1
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