nude pics red flag??

[WilyWill]

I can't imagine screaming "SHUT UP" at my betrayed, wounded spouse who needed to get something off their chest. I guess I could understand if she said something like "Can we please not talk about this now? It makes me feel so bad."

 

She is not R material, and it appears she never will be.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I can't imagine screaming "SHUT UP" at my betrayed, wounded spouse who needed to get something off their chest. I guess I could understand if she said something like "Can we please not talk about this now? It makes me feel so bad."

 

She is not R material, and it appears she never will be.

 

Reconciliation means both parties are doing what they need to do to help the other one.

 

Neither is doing that in this relationship.

[BaileyB]

Reconciliation means both parties are doing what they need to do to help the other one.

 

Neither is doing that in this relationship.

 

Absolutely, they are basically expressing their anger toward one another and neither is particularly willing to listen or love at this point.

 

As to her past history, it certainly doesn't take a therapist to see that this kind of behavior is not new to her... Given, she has taken her bad behavior to new and unimaginable levels... she has a history of rebellious, impulsive behavior, and promiscuity. It was her "go to" coping mechanism when you separated all those years ago - to jump into bed with the first guy she passed on the street is not a normal reaction for most people.

[zombiehead]

Starting IC for myself next Tuesday. Wife is asking daily to start sleeping together again, sharing a bed that is not sex. I told her that she can sleep with me tonight if she likes. It took some effort to not make a snide comment like, "well before we share a bed again I would like the FBI to sweep the room for hiding cameras." I controlled myself and told she could sleep with me if she wants. I have a medium run planned for tonight, I'm going to do it after the twins are in bed, so when I get home and shower my wife will already be asleep.

[GunslingerRoland]

I understand how hurt you are, but I really don't see what the point of going through the motions of reconciliation with two feet out the door.

 

Every word you write about your wife spews complete disdain for your wife. You either need to take some space and see if you feel differently, and then try again, or move on. I know you have kids, but it's not fair to them living in a household with two parents that feel this kind of hatred for one another. You can put on whatever kind of show you want, but these are your kids. They will sense every bit of this hatred and negative energy.

[Jersey born raised]

Thanks for the info. Might there be an underlying reason that drives her? Her behavior indicates possible FOO or ADHD issues. Any history of binge drinking ?

[usa1ah]

I still feel like a Zombie, there is some relief in that the truth is out and the infidelity has stopped. I guess the fallout is what I'm trying to survive now.

 

I do believe the kids are a very important factor in deciding whether to try and save the marriage or not. If we split and she starts bringing men around our kids I will have sleepless nights, I will be very worried that he might hurt them physically or mentally.

 

Some of suggested I file charges for her recording us together, to me that is out of the question. I don't want her to have a felony and that would also hurt our kids mentally if she goes to jail. I'm upset about her filming us but not to the extent of having her arrested, criminal court conviction, then jail. That would hurt our children.

 

She has a 2nd interview this week, hopefully she gets the job and that will lessen the financial cost of divorce for me.

 

If do decide to divorce, make a stipulation that she is not allowed to bring other men around your kids. If she does you will file charges for the video.

[Silveron]

Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. See if she matches the traits. Sounds that way. If she has it, it's incurable. My wife has it. It's an emotional nightmare.

 

 

Basically BPD is having the emotional IQ of a teenager.

 

 

You need to get to the root of the problem, otherwise the weed will just grow back.

[usa1ah]

Hey Z, hope you are doing a little better today. I can see her getting mad at you for what she has done. "You should be over this already". Not a chance in **** can you be over this yet.

 

Make sure you find a good IC that is on your side, even if you have to go thru a few to find one.

 

Z did she ever meet up with any of them?

[BaileyB]

I understand how hurt you are, but I really don't see what the point of going through the motions of reconciliation with two feet out the door.

 

Every word you write about your wife spews complete disdain for your wife. I know you have kids, but it's not fair to them living in a household with two parents that feel this kind of hatred for one another.

 

Absolutely. It is so obvious that you feel such anger towards your wife - and rightfully so. You are not in the place of forgiveness or reconcilliation right now. You are hurting and you seem to want her to hurt even more for what she has done.

 

Your children deserve more than to be raised in a home with two parents who have such anger towards each other, that they create a hostile and negative environment. What you are doing to your children if you stay is emotionally abusive.

[here222]

ZH

Sounds like a little progress in your relationship, just keep it going. I have a feeling, and I think you do to that its helping you, and the family become a little bit better.

I really, and I hope your wife does to, realize how big of a deal this is. If she does then she MUST tell you, and if she don't then she is not doing all she can and should be doing. Everything she gets toward reconciliation she should be grateful for. If you could just have her read this, just copy this to her.

Now if you (your wife) is reading this it is time for you to see this gift you have been given. It is far better than the one that you gave your husband.

Just his gift says a lot. A lot of people would love the chance you have been given. Please take it and work HARD at restoring your husband and family.

[NLNJ6200]

She's probably sexting other guys. It's very unlikely that she's sleeping with them because if she was, she wouldn't need to take nude photos for them. She'd just show them in person.

 

Unless she's starting a new workout routine and wants to take before/after pics, it's highly unlikely that these pics were for her only. Sexting is often a cry for attention. She may feel insecure about her body so she's asking other guys their opinions on it.

 

Like the other answers said, you could put a voice recorder in her car to ensure she isn't having a physical affair. If it is confirmed that she's sexting and sexting only then I'd just try to give her more compliments. Tell her how beautiful her body is and that she shouldn't feel insecure about it.

 

Sexting isn't something to end a 12 year marriage over. Is it bad? Absolutely. If I found out my boyfriend was sexting, I'd be pretty upset and hurt but I wouldn't breakup with him unless he actually had intentions for these people but if it's just for attention then I'd let it slide.

 

I've sexted while I've dated him for attention because he was emotionally absent sometimes but I stopped that behavior as he is always here for me now and has changed a lot. Evaluate your marriage. See if there's ANY reason why she'd wanna seek attention from other guys.

 

Everyone has a reason for this type of behavior. If you patch up that reason, they likely will stop. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of this! I understand it is hurtful and you must feel extremely jealous knowing other guys are getting this attention from her.

 

I know I would. But try to get her side and see why she'd do this. I hope it works out for you. Good luck

[bluefeather]

NLNJ6200, did you actually read the thread..?

 

ZH, sleeping next to her sounds like a huge step.

[merrmeade]

While Mrs. JA's post makes a lot of sense to me, I don't know that we have all the information from you about why you have decided to R and why she says she wants to R. That's one thing.

 

I agree that your wife is woefully behind in her preparation for R, in her basic education about what has happened to you as a result of what she did. But she may not have the language, much less understanding, to talk about the emotions, needs, and changes of long-term relationships. I think your wife is entirely ignorant of this whole field that you have been slowly learning to talk about here for these many months. So that's another thing.

 

Mrs. JA's point (I think) is that your wife's deep remorse should open her to the damage that she caused. This IS the ideal and best way to R, but maybe there are some WS who, in the early years at least (in affair/s motivated more by sex), are too emotionally crippled to be the empathic, remorseful, giving, unselfish partner that the hurting BS needs. When reminded of the BS pain they caused, in fact, these WS go ballistic because they're reminded of the bad things they did—NOT of the bad things they did to someone: their spouses. I think that this kind of WS cannot get beyond the shame of being caught and exposed and assume that's how they're seen by whoever knows this about them.

 

My WH was pretty much incapable of embracing empathy for what I was going through. In his mind, his actions were deplorable and inexcusable, which made him a terrible person with a terrible problem and me, a "better" person without such a problem. This was a hierarchy - in his mind - and so every discussion or reminder of the affair(s) was a reminder to him of his failure as a human being. My words - any words - only reinforced this POV for him. Once or twice he accused me of "twisting the knife" when I brought up the subject, as if my intention were to make him suffer.

 

[Whenever he felt truly needed, however, because I was unable to get myself out of pain, it was different and he would try to do and be what I needed. This is a different but important aspect...]

 

Now, why I decided to R is another story. And then on top of that she cannot get out of the shame and self-hatred, perhaps, for what she did. Then, with the volatility that erupts for both of you when the subject of her indiscretions comes up - you, reminded of the awfulness of what she said and did; she, reminded also of the awfulness of what she said and did - you're both thrown back into pain and trauma from the same event - but for very different reasons.

 

I feel that it would take a very gifted MC with special training in infidelity to help you and your wife learn to help each other. I think that IC would be a better way to help each of you separately get past the overpowering issues that consume you now and hold you back from understanding each other.

 

With this perspective, I've made some comments (underlined) in response to some of what you've reported:

 

We dated for over 4 years before we married. About 4-6 months into our "dating" relationship I told her I wanted to date other people. She was upset, I went out that weekend with my single friend and by Monday I realized that I made a mistake. I went to her apartment to apologize and tell her I wanted to be with her, however she had another guy already, he was there and they were in bed together. I left and the next day she too wanted to get back together.

 

Well she keeps throwing that in my face now. I told her that is not the same as this situation and that I was upfront and told her, I didn't go behind her back and cheat on her, also we are NOT married, we did NOT live together, we did were NOT raising kids together. BIG FREAKING DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

 

Of course, it's different. I'd say she's trying to spread the blame around, so she's not the only one who screwed up.

 

When she wants to talk about our problems she can NOT handle my feelings. My problem is the mind movies, the things she did with these men that she has never done with me. We have never pleasured ourselves together, she has never sent me nude photos and dirty talk. Now if I ever wanted to do that we can't because she ruined it by doing it with these other men behind my back. She gets furious when I describe the to her the mind movies that are in my head. I repeat what she wrote them in her messages and she screams at me to SHUT UP.

 

I told her, look you are screaming at me while I'm trying to be honest and tell you what I'm thinking and what I'm trying to overcome.

 

I think I addressed this and contend that she screams at you to shut up because she assumes you know what you're doing, which is (in her mind) to remind her again and again of how bad she is. Repeating "what she wrote them in her messages" she say see as a sword that you've honed to drive this in. She may be unable to empathize with what you're "thinking and ... trying to overcome" now because she is stuck and can only see that she screwed up and you didn't.

So, could it be that you're both stuck at the same point but on opposite sides of a wall? Edited May 13, 2017 by merrmeade

[zombiehead]

Thanks for all the responses, it helps tremendously to read all the different points of view. Thank you.

 

We have been sharing a bed which is triggering nightmares. Like clockwork I wake up from a nightmare about her infidelity between 12:30-1:00am. The dreams seem so real I'm furious and can't get back to sleep. I still have no desire to have sex with her, I'm still holding anger towards her but I keep it in and fake it.

 

She is going to visit her parents on Saturday and will not be back until Thursday. I'm really excited to have her out of the house for a while. I had a dream the other night that she died in a car crash and I was happy and relieved. What does that mean? My best friend told me about a friend of his that past away a couple of weeks ago from stage 5 cancer in his sinuses. He went to the doctor because he thought he had pink eye but instead he had advanced cancer in his sinuses. He past a few weeks later. Anyway his friend that past away was having multiple affairs and his wife discovered it after he passed away from his phone. His friends called his wife in desperation wanting his phone after they learned about his death so that she wouldn't find out. He was actually coaching the basketball team for the daughter of one of his affair partners. The wife was devastated, here she is trying to bury her husband and she finds out about all this betrayal. That night I had the dream about my wife dying in a car crash and I was relieved, maybe learning about my friend's buddy triggered that dream?

 

Anyway I'm still struggling getting past the betrayal. I'm going to give it until December and if I'm not over it then I will end the marriage. I feel like I have an obligation to try and see if I can get past it for our family.

Edited May 16, 2017 by zombiehead

[Mrs. John Adams]

My friend... this is a fact... you will never get over it. If that is your goal .. you will fail.

 

Look how many folks here divorced but are still posting about the betrayal. Look how many here have reconciled but are still here posting about it.

 

It never goes away.. so if you are thinking that in 7 months you are going to be over this... the bad news is... you won't.

 

We get over a cold... we don't get over a death... and your marriage as you knew it... is now dead. Your relationship is now forever changed.

 

You call the shots... you know what's best for you. Many here have tried to hel you face the reality of your situation.

 

I wish you peace

[Zona]

Well, if it doesn't work out, then at least you can be comforted by the fact that you did give it an honest try.

 

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. Regardless, I think it is best to treat her with as much respect and kindness as you can muster, and avoid insults, etc., no matter how satisfying that would feel.

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I think others can learn from it.

[bluefeather]

...I'm still holding anger towards her but I keep it in and fake it.

 

I don't think it is healthy for you to bottle up your feelings like that You can't keep it in forever, and it has potential to explode - either in outward rage to someone or something, or physical damage to your own body.

 

I had a dream the other night that she died in a car crash and I was happy and relieved. What does that mean?

 

Maybe subconsciously, you are trying to tell yourself that you feel better without her.

 

I feel like I have an obligation to try and see if I can get past it for our family.

 

I really, really do not believe that you are obligated to go through any more suffering. I think I have said already, that by staying, you are sending a message to your children that it is OK to be treated this way.

[drifter777]

I don't think it is healthy for you to bottle up your feelings like that You can't keep it in forever, and it has potential to explode - either in outward rage to someone or something, or physical damage to your own body.

 

You'd be surprised at how long you can fake it. I'm, literally, too tired to have any more conversations with my wife about the past - so I fake it all the time. Maybe I don't seethe with hatred or anger very often but there are still times I feel that strongly. Harder to fake it then but I physically remove myself from her presence and just tough it out. Typically, I don't think of it more than once or twice a day but when I do I just swallow my anger and disgust and keep putting one foot in front of the other until the anger passes.

 

I'm far from a rarity - lots of BS's never reach a place of true forgiveness and peace with their WS. Oh, they may claim that they are there but, really, just don't trigger very often and when they do have gotten good at faking it. I'm sure their WS will swear that their reconciliation is a smashing success and their BS has healed and life is all roses...but I think their BS, in a quiet moment, would agree that they often have to "fake it 'till it passes" to make their marriage bearable.

[GunslingerRoland]

I had a dream the other night that she died in a car crash and I was happy and relieved.

 

I don't think I could ever feel that way about my wife. Regardless of what she did.

 

I really, really don't think you should be living with her, sleeping with her and talking about reconciliation at this point. Maybe at some point, but you need to be separated now if this is how you feel.

 

You can't fake your way through this kind of anger.

[zombiehead]

Just returned home from my IC session. The therapist is female and I swear she was making passes at me. She asked me if I thought about other women, if I considered moving on without my wife, that I was an attractive man, and she moved her chair closer touched my knee then my arm, rubbing my forearm. It was uncomfortable and when it was over and she wanted to schedule another session I told her I would get back with her. LOL glad that is over. She asked me what details I knew about my wife's infidelity and how I was coping with it and she could tell it was painful for me to discuss so that is when she moved closer with her chair and started touching me. Then while her hand was on my knee and then my arm she was asking if I thought about other women, starting over ect. The therapist is around my age possibly a few years younger and I didn't see a ring on her finger or pictures of her family in her office. The only pictures she had were of her with her dogs.

 

Anyway I'm going to look for a male therapist, I thought a female would help me better understand my wife's mentality. I should be looking for one that would help me understand my feelings and that would probably be better with a male therapist.

 

Also I wanted to clarify that if my wife was hurt in a car crash I would be very distraught. Only in my dream was I relieved that she died in a car crash, in real life I would be crushed. I do love her, I'm just very hurt and not sure if I can forgive and move forward.

 

Well back to the drawing board looking for a therapist to help me. This is getting very tiresome trying to fix. I didn't cause this, it would be much easier to split up but I feel an obligation to our children to at least try to get through it.

[GunslingerRoland]

Also I wanted to clarify that if my wife was hurt in a car crash I would be very distraught. Only in my dream was I relieved that she died in a car crash, in real life I would be crushed. I do love her, I'm just very hurt and not sure if I can forgive and move forward.

 

Sorry I wasn't implying that I think you want your wife dead in a car crash, I apologize if that is how it came across.

 

But if your subconscious mind can't let your body lay in the same bed as hers, without rehashing all of these feelings, and finds relief at her being out of your life, while your conscious mind, still feels as strongly as you tell us here, you are not at a place that you can try to reconcile with her.

 

I'll also say, either you found the most unprofessional therapist ever, or you're seeing everything women do as having a sexual overtone to it, as a result of this situation with your wife.

[BaileyB]

We have been sharing a bed which is triggering nightmares. Like clockwork I wake up from a nightmare about her infidelity between 12:30-1:00am. The dreams seem so real I'm furious and can't get back to sleep.

 

She is going to visit her parents on Saturday and will not be back until Thursday. I'm really excited to have her out of the house for a while. I had a dream the other night that she died in a car crash and I was happy and relieved. What does that mean?

 

What does your dream mean? It means, that you have had a terrible trauma and you are struggling to process the pain. It means, that you continue to hold anger and resentment toward this woman... It's not only consuming your waking hours, but it's affecting your sleep. It's not good!

 

To say it again, this relationship is very unhealthy, for both of you. If you are excited not to have to see your wife for a few days, if you feel released and happy to have her out of the house - that tells you something! By allowing her to stay in the home and sleep in your bed, you are reliving the trauma over and over, essentially traumatizing yourself, again and again.

 

Take some distance from this woman to heal yourself and decide what you want for your future. What you are doing, suffering and staying in the home until an arbitrary deadline, is not healthy for you, your wife, or your children.

 

It's hard to read your posts, I can't imagine how hard it is to live. You need help with this! And you need distance from your wife... Your body is trying desperately to tell you this, in any way that it can.

[Cephalopod]

Z what you are going through with the nightmares and all is perfectly normal. It is all part of the way your mind is processing the trauma. You have to process this pain through your mind and body. It has to be expelled, through every portal available. Just buckle up and hang on for the ride. It will pass eventually.

 

When my exWW and I were splitting up, and right after she moved in with one of her boyfriends, I had the most twisted, messed up dreams. They woke me up in a cold sweat on many a night. But they started to disappate after a couple of months, and within about six months I wasn't having them anymore.

 

It is doubly hard for you because the source of your triggers is still sleeping in the same bed with you. I think when she's gone on her trip, you will catch up on a lot of sleep you lost.

[usa1ah]

Z, you need to think about this. You can't keep hitting your head against the wall.

 

When would you consider that you gave it your best try? You need a set point that you force yourself to look back and see if there is any progress.