nude pics red flag??

[zombiehead]

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate the input and help.

 

I'm still angry and not sure what direction to take. We are still sleeping apart and my wife asks me daily if I love her. I hate the question, I feel like she is trying to manipulate me. I just respond with I don't want to discuss my feelings towards you.

 

I've been spending more time with the twins, we have been mountain biking nearly every week without my wife. I feel better when she is not around and when I see her I just see the porn selfies, the XXX messaging. Not sure if I will be able to get past it.

[harrybrown]

Did you ask her about the email account you found?

[zombiehead]

The guy on her yahoo email also sent several jack-off videos. I never thought I would be opening jack-off emails that men were sending to my wife.

 

It's like I woke up in a nightmare. It seems so unreal at times. I guess I never knew who my wife really was.

[sandylee1]

I find it hard to see how your marriage, or one where such a depth of betrayal can ever be the same ... Or even be a marriage that you could ever feel safe in

 

Your response to her question of whether you love her is a good one. You could also try to "I honestly don't know"

[BaileyB]

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate the input and help.

 

I'm still angry and not sure what direction to take. We are still sleeping apart and my wife asks me daily if I love her. I hate the question, I feel like she is trying to manipulate me. I just respond with I don't want to discuss my feelings towards you.

 

I've been spending more time with the twins, we have been mountain biking nearly every week without my wife. I feel better when she is not around and when I see her I just see the porn selfies, the XXX messaging. Not sure if I will be able to get past it.

 

I read your update, and I just can't help but think that there are so many good women out there would would be very happy to give you the love you want without all this baggage... Your wife had her opportunity, and she lost it. I'm sure, based in what you've written, that you would find more happiness on your own or in another relationship.

[drifter777]

Are you working on the assumption that she's still sexting with someone? You really should. Sex addicts can't stay away from their "drug of choice" - in your wife's case that's sexting - just because their SO busts them. I would bet a good deal of money that it's still going on.

 

Maybe your wife can beat this thing but it's gonna be tough & take a long time. Does she even understand she has a problem? Do you?

[QuietDan]

Are you working on the assumption that she's still sexting with someone? You really should. Sex addicts can't stay away from their "drug of choice" - in your wife's case that's sexting - just because their SO busts them. I would bet a good deal of money that it's still going on.

 

Maybe your wife can beat this thing but it's gonna be tough & take a long time. Does she even understand she has a problem? Do you?

 

I'm not sure that this is something you can beat.

It is more of a case of finding a way to redirect and channel this into something that is acceptable and workable for both spouses.

Redirect and channel the activities into something that isn't a deal breaker.

In a situation like this, for the marriage to stay alive and function, both spouses will need to find a way to re-negotiate the sexual side of the relationship. They will also need to find a way to change the erotic template that each of them function off of.

This will probable always be a issue for her as a temptation.

[Jersey born raised]

Perhaps the answer to "do you still love me" is to rephrase the question to her as "can I live with this in the past and still move forward with you in the future, if so how"?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate the input and help.

 

I'm still angry and not sure what direction to take. We are still sleeping apart and my wife asks me daily if I love her. I hate the question, I feel like she is trying to manipulate me. I just respond with I don't want to discuss my feelings towards you.

 

I've been spending more time with the twins, we have been mountain biking nearly every week without my wife. I feel better when she is not around and when I see her I just see the porn selfies, the XXX messaging. Not sure if I will be able to get past it.

 

At this point Love has nothing or little to do with it. How many couples love each other but still get divorced? How many spouses love their mate but still cheat? When infidelity occurs in a marriage divorce is not based on love (or lack of), it based on all of the other collateral damaged caused by the WS.

 

Endurance sports has been my outlet for many years. I go mountain biking every weekend to get grounded and burn off any angst.

[Cephalopod]

The guy on her yahoo email also sent several jack-off videos. I never thought I would be opening jack-off emails that men were sending to my wife.

 

It's like I woke up in a nightmare. It seems so unreal at times. I guess I never knew who my wife really was.

 

My wife was serial cheater just like yours. I pursued divorce immediately when it was clear she was not remorseful nor wanting to reconcile. After I got over the anger and devastation, what was left was a dirty feeling. I just felt dirty and unclean having lived and loved a cheap, sleazy, disgusting woman.

 

I imagine that is how you feel: just disgusted and appalled by your WW's sleaziness. Believe me, I know that sickening feeling of revulsion quite well. Women like your wife who expose themselves to dozens of men are a whole different form of nasty.

[drifter777]

zombie - you don't owe us anything but a quick update on how you are doing would be appreciated.

[usa1ah]

Hey Z, you have told us the answer a few times now. You are happy when you WW is not around. Spend you time with the twins and have fun. I don't see how you can save this. Sorry man.

[Try]

I find it hard to see how your marriage, or one where such a depth of betrayal can ever be the same ... Or even be a marriage that you could ever feel safe in

The marriage will never "be the same" and he will never "feel safe" in it. The only question is if the OP can stay in the marriage long enough for his children to get older.

[zombiehead]

Not much to update. Sleeping separate, she is "working" on herself with IC. I told her she needs to find a full time job asap. The attorney said it would be better for me financially if she is working full time.

 

I haven't decided what I want. I love her but I'm not sure if she is safe or if it would be mentally healthy to stay with her. Seeing her face is a trigger so it is hard to look her in the eye. Sex with her would be another giant obstacle to overcome. I love cigars but I gave them up 13 years ago because tobacco is unhealthy, that seems like how this marriage is turning out.

[Cephalopod]

Not much to update. Sleeping separate, she is "working" on herself with IC. I told her she needs to find a full time job asap. The attorney said it would be better for me financially if she is working full time.

 

I haven't decided what I want. I love her but I'm not sure if she is safe or if it would be mentally healthy to stay with her. Seeing her face is a trigger so it is hard to look her in the eye. Sex with her would be another giant obstacle to overcome. I love cigars but I gave them up 13 years ago because tobacco is unhealthy, that seems like how this marriage is turning out.

 

What you have is way more unhealthy than cigars. The pain and loathing will tear you down physically far more than a bit of smoke and nicotine will.

 

Have you undergone any counseling at all? You sound stuck. That is no place to be friend. You need to start some forward motion towards healing yourself.

[here222]

ZH

I have been following you from the beginning and joined just to reply to all that you are dealing with and I know it is a lot. Most want you to dump and move on and in the very end it might be where you end up. I also know you have some very good things out of your marriage meaning your twins. So my advice would be to let your wife put in the work and as long as you feel she is not slacking, hang in there and give it time. You have got that in your favor.

If she slips then you will have what you need to move on but please give it your best effort even tho most will tell you she don't deserve it.

All of this is based on her not having physical contact with anyone. That would be the game changer.

[Heathen]

I think you need to determine if there was physical contact, before you go any further. You should tell her you will request a polygraph to find out if there was a physical affair at any time during your marriage. Observe her immediate response. If she jumps on the opportunity, then you know what you are dealing with. IF she acts defiant, breaks out the tears, blameshifts or refuses, then your story is not complete.

 

It may do you no good and the porn may be enough to divorce, but you should find out the whole truth. And soon.

[zombiehead]

I'm going to talk with her tonight about the yahoo account and the "little plan" to meet the guy from Arizona. She cries often actually daily. When she was having her fun she was happy, bouncing around with joy, since I found out she is sad amd depressed. If it was porn I could get over it, but it was real men, one was definitely emotional, planned meeting, porn selfies, skype sex, jack-off videos, and heavy constant sex messaging. She even filmed us for a guy to see.

 

She tells me that she loves me and I'm her "best friend".

 

Not looking forward to discussing the yahoo account with her. I dont like talking about it with her. If she did meet that guy from Arizona she will lie. Demanding that she takes a polygraph could get her to speak the truth.

[Cephalopod]

How did the talk go zombie?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zombie, sorry to see that you are still here. With all that has transpired and your disgust with your wife's actions and behaviour, I would think think that you would be very clear in your mind as to what you want to do and what your course of action should be. However, it is obvious that you are dithering and not wanting to burn your boats and move on with your life. You are still hoping for a miracle to happen so that you wake up tomorrow and realize that this has been a bad dream and your wife is actually an innocent and unsullied woman of pure thought and actions. You can then go on with your life as before with this 'Bad fream' in your rest view mirror.

 

If that has been your line of thought then I would suggest that you cut to the chase, accept your wife for who she is and try to erase this 'Bad dream' from yourind as best you can. Live your life whichever way you can and just suck it up as far as your wife's proclivities for having phone and video sex with a bunch of strange men, and shamelessly video taping the two of you having sex to send as amateur porn to some beau of hers and so on so forth. What is the point of dithering if you have decided deep down that you are going to reconcile with your WW come what may? Let her be happy that she had been able to pull one over you. Better still give her your permission to continue doing what she was doing so that at least one party in the so called marriage is happy and getting their kicks. You can live with it.

 

You have been given sterling advice by any number of people but you have still not been able to make up your mind to dump your truant wife. I do not think there is anything much more that can be said to convince you about your wife's undesirebility to continue as your spouse. If that is how it is go8ng to be then so be it. Warm wishes to you on whatever you choose to do.

[here222]

ZH

I hope your talk with your wife went well and nothing more came up. I know you love your girls very much and earlier you said you loved your wife so I really hope that she works very hard on making herself well and that if possible you will have the ability to help her get there. I hope that you both want the same thing, a safe and loving home and marriage for the family that you both have.

You can tell that I am not as negative as most folks on here because I want your family to be happy together.

God Bless your decision.

[zombiehead]

I asked her about the yahoo account and the guy from Arizona and their little plan to meet. She said she stopped communicating when he started pushing aggressively to meet in person. Also she forgot about the yahoo account that is why she didn't tell me about it. I believe that she forgot because there has been no activity in it since April 2016. That guy emailed her in December 2016 but she didn't respond and the email was unread when I got into the account.

 

Anyway, she says that she is disgusted with her behavior, and said she was addicted to sexting and the attention. Now that she has stopped she says that looking back makes her sick, she is horrified about what she has done and has no desire to ever do that again, even if I divorce her she will not go back to that lifestyle. She wishes she could go back and change the past. blah blah blah!!! Here is a list of her statements about her 18 months of online cheating.

 

1. I was addicted and couldn't stop.

2. I wish I could change the past.

3. I have no desire to ever do that again, even if we split up.

4. It was fake not real.

5. I don't want to do the things (sex acts) I said, I was only telling them what they wanted to hear.

6. We have been together a long time, this was a minor bump, not significant in the grand scheme of things??? (this is crap)

7. I never had a physical affair, there are many couples that do, which is worse and they are able to overcome and save the marriage. (again this is crap)

8. If you did it I wouldn't leave you.

 

 

She has a job interview today, I hope she gets it. We are still sleeping apart, I don't want to touch her, hold her, nothing. She has hurt my pride as a man, betrayed my trust, lied to my face repeatedly. I don't trust her, I don't know if she is just telling me what I want to hear like she said she did for her affair partners. I don't know the real her. How can you do that for 18 months unless that is the real you? 18 months is a long time, what your daily habits are in the time span is really who you are? If you get drunk twice a year, then you are not an alcoholic, however if you get drunk every day for 18 months, then yes you are an alcoholic.

[BluesPower]

I asked her about the yahoo account and the guy from Arizona and their little plan to meet. She said she stopped communicating when he started pushing aggressively to meet in person. Also she forgot about the yahoo account that is why she didn't tell me about it. I believe that she forgot because there has been no activity in it since April 2016. That guy emailed her in December 2016 but she didn't respond and the email was unread when I got into the account.

 

Anyway, she says that she is disgusted with her behavior, and said she was addicted to sexting and the attention. Now that she has stopped she says that looking back makes her sick, she is horrified about what she has done and has no desire to ever do that again, even if I divorce her she will not go back to that lifestyle. She wishes she could go back and change the past. blah blah blah!!! Here is a list of her statements about her 18 months of online cheating.

 

1. I was addicted and couldn't stop.

2. I wish I could change the past.

3. I have no desire to ever do that again, even if we split up.

4. It was fake not real.

5. I don't want to do the things (sex acts) I said, I was only telling them what they wanted to hear.

6. We have been together a long time, this was a minor bump, not significant in the grand scheme of things??? (this is crap)

7. I never had a physical affair, there are many couples that do, which is worse and they are able to overcome and save the marriage. (again this is crap)

8. If you did it I wouldn't leave you.

 

She has a job interview today, I hope she gets it. We are still sleeping apart, I don't want to touch her, hold her, nothing. She has hurt my pride as a man, betrayed my trust, lied to my face repeatedly. I don't trust her, I don't know if she is just telling me what I want to hear like she said she did for her affair partners. I don't know the real her. How can you do that for 18 months unless that is the real you? 18 months is a long time, what your daily habits are in the time span is really who you are? If you get drunk twice a year, then you are not an alcoholic, however if you get drunk every day for 18 months, then yes you are an alcoholic.

 

OK, some of this may be progress...

 

And I say MAY be progress.

 

Has she read any of the stuff online like how to help your spouse heal from the affair?

 

The places that you say "this is crap", you are correct in every way. She does not understand the full depth of her betrayal yet.

 

She needs to figure that out. You can point her to the stuff she needs to read, but you cannot make her drink water.

 

Those parts that you point out, are her way of minimizing what she has done. I don't know if it malicious or not. She may just not realize.

 

If your marriage is to work out, SHE has to figure all of this stuff out. She has to do the heavy lifting. I am not sure that she understands that.

 

On the bright side, you don't really have to decide what to do right now. As long as she has stopped and you can confirm this, you don't have to make a decision right now.

 

Take a breath and see what she does. But do fill her in on the things that she needs to be reading.

[here222]

ZH

Time will help things settle. But some where down the line, and a lot of work you will come up with your answer. I really do hope it works out and you find peace. I think after your latest update you at least have hope. Remind yourself and your wife why you both got married and ask if each of you want to continue the very long road ahead. I wish you the best on your decision.

[Cephalopod]

I don't recall you mentioning, but have you been to a lawyer for a consult?