Talk some sense into me!

[WhatWait]

I've never wound up in a situation like this, and it's really gnawing at me. I guess I just want confirmation that I did the right thing.

 

Last year I met a guy at a party. He brought another girl to the party. I thought they were friends, but at the party the girl told my friend that they were in fact dating and that she wanted to be exclusive but he wouldn't be. They'd been seeing one another for six months.

 

He got my number, and we went out. I asked him about the other girl, and he said she "wouldn't listen." I took this to mean he had been upfront with her about not wanting to be exclusive, and she wouldn't accept it. I fell pretty hard for him, and we slept together and saw one another a lot over the next two months. Early on he told me he had cut things off with the other girl.

 

However, I found proof on social media that they were seeing one another. I felt he was pulling away anyway, so I ended things. A month later, I was having doubts, and I told him I'd date him again if he stopped dating her, and he said he wanted to see both of us. He also said he didn't see her as long-term and would be happy if she dated someone else. I said no--the whole thing made me feel sick and sad inside. I told him to only contact me if he broke things off with her. I texted him twice after that in moments of weakness--just missing him.

 

After that, he showed up at a party and tried to sleep with me. We texted for awhile, he was very flirty, trying to get me in bed. I cut things off again, and said he should only be in touch with me if he broke up with her.

 

I have felt shaky about it at times, but sure I did the right thing. The shakiest I get is when I go on social media and see how much they are together. They took a vacation together, she's friends with his brother--they are a true couple at this point. I guess I still feel like I did the right thing because I just couldn't stomach seeing him when he was seeing someone else, but a part of me also feels like--is this what I should have done? Agreed to nonexclusive for so long and then win the prize? Except, when we were seeing one another and she wasn't in the picture, it all felt natural, not like there was a prize at all. It's hard, too, because of the feelings involved.

 

I'm not sure what feedback I want--just that this whole situation was shady and if he wanted to be with me, he would be with me, right? Sometimes when I see him with the other girl, I get this urge to just write him and ask if he wants to sleep together, because I think it's such an ego blow.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone ever heard of anything like this before? Feels good to vent . . it's scary and confusing for me, though. I don't usually have a lot of drama with men, am used to being treated respectfully, and I'm confused why I still think about and want this guy.

Edited February 10, 2017 by WhatWait

[Redhead14]

I've never wound up in a situation like this, and it's really gnawing at me. I guess I just want confirmation that I did the right thing.

 

Last year I met a guy at a party. He brought another girl to the party. I thought they were friends, but at the party the girl told my friend that they were in fact dating and that she wanted to be exclusive but he wouldn't be. They'd been seeing one another for six months.

 

He got my number, and we went out. I asked him about the other girl, and he said she "wouldn't listen." I took this to mean he had been upfront with her about not wanting to be exclusive, and she wouldn't accept it. I fell pretty hard for him, and we slept together and saw one another a lot over the next two months. Early on he told me he had cut things off with the other girl.

 

However, I found proof on social media that they were seeing one another. I felt he was pulling away anyway, so I ended things. A month later, I was having doubts, and I told him I'd date him again if he stopped dating her, and he said he wanted to see both of us. He also said he didn't see her as long-term and would be happy if she dated someone else. I said no--the whole thing made me feel sick and sad inside. I told him to only contact me if he broke things off with her. I texted him twice after that in moments of weakness--just missing him.

 

After that, he showed up at a party and tried to sleep with me. We texted for awhile, he was very flirty, trying to get me in bed. I cut things off again, and said he should only be in touch with me if he broke up with her.

 

I have felt shaky about it at times, but sure I did the right thing. The shakiest I get is when I go on social media and see how much they are together. They took a vacation together, she's friends with his brother--they are a true couple at this point. I guess I still feel like I did the right thing because I just couldn't stomach seeing him when he was seeing someone else, but a part of me also feels like--is this what I should have done? Agreed to nonexclusive for so long and then win the prize? Except, when we were seeing one another and she wasn't in the picture, it all felt natural, not like there was a prize at all. It's hard, too, because of the feelings involved.

 

I'm not sure what feedback I want--just that this whole situation was shady and if he wanted to be with me, he would be with me, right? Sometimes when I see him with the other girl, I get this urge to just write him and ask if he wants to sleep together, because I think it's such an ego blow.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone ever heard of anything like this before? Feels good to vent . . it's scary and confusing for me, though. I don't usually have a lot of drama with men, am used to being treated respectfully, and I'm confused why I still think about and want this guy.

 

This guy doesn't want an exclusive relationship with anyone. He wants to date multiple people and be intimate with them PERIOD. You want what the other girl wants from him -- exclusivity -- and you both are telling him that, yet, both of you are trying to "settle" for this guy. She's stringing herself along and you are setting yourself up for that by being shaky about your boundaries . . .

 

Stop it.

[Zahara]

I'm not sure what feedback I want--just that this whole situation was shady and if he wanted to be with me, he would be with me, right?

 

Yes, if someone wants to be with you, they'd be with you. He just wanted you on the side.

 

Sometimes when I see him with the other girl, I get this urge to just write him and ask if he wants to sleep together, because I think it's such an ego blow.

 

I think you should stop checking their social media and figuring out ways to get even. Focus on the type of person that he is and figure out your boundary and value system and use that as your guide in that you do not wish to be with someone like him. She does not have a prize.

 

I'm confused why I still think about and want this guy.

 

It's because you've been rejected. You tie that rejection to your sense of value. He didn't pick you. He picked her. And that makes you feel less than and it's eating at you. I don't think it's really about him but more so your feelings of rejection.

[WhatWait]

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I should probably bookmark this thread for my moments of weaknesss. It's just confusing when I see them going on vacation and being all couple-y. Even though in my head I think, would I even want to be with a guy who still tried to sleep with another girl after I told him I'd loved him, been seeing him for a whole year. (Which he did and she did . . . )

[Zahara]

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I should probably bookmark this thread for my moments of weaknesss. It's just confusing when I see them going on vacation and being all couple-y. Even though in my head I think, would I even want to be with a guy who still tried to sleep with another girl after I told him I'd loved him, been seeing him for a whole year. (Which he did and she did . . . )

 

She's probably willing to tolerate a lot more and turns a blind eye to his behavior. People can post pictures and look like Couple of the Year but you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Things aren't always as they seem. And knowing who he is, chances are, that relationship isn't as picture perfect.

[WhatWait]

Thanks for your input, Zahara! Your words come through very strongly and clearly. Staying off social media is key. It just doesn't make sense that I would have to "fight" or "compete" for someone to want to be with me, and I really need to stay strong and stop playing into this. It completely drains me of my enthusiasm for my own life and gets me way too mucked up in theirs. I don't know what's happening with them and the truth is they could get married and live happily ever after, and it still wouldn't mean I should have done things differently, because it wasn't in alignment with my values at all to do what he asked.

[smackie9]

YOUR RED FLAG: It really says something about his character when he continues to see her when he has no interest in being exclusive. He should have broken it off the min she wanted exclusivity out of respect for her feelings....this says he only cares about himself and what he is getting out of it. Nothing wrong with multi-dating tho as long as everyone is equally on the same page. Secondly, this guy lied because he knows that he can keep you hooked and tell you what you want to hear. And every time you reach out, he knows he has you hooked, and knows he can have you back just by, again, tell you what you want to hear. I'm not placing blame all on him, you and the others he sleeps with have to take responsibility as well. You know the situation, so you should keep yourself out of it. No guy like this is going to drop everything and be your prince loyal charming...never ever ever.

 

I truly hope you take this experience, and every detail about it, and learn from it.

 

I get it....sometimes our desire is so strong, we ignore everything else, finding ourselves in this horrible cycle of I want him, I hate him, I miss him..........

[WhatWait]

Yeah. It's terrible. I think what really gets to me is when I see them so firmly coupled on social media. It shakes me and makes me feel like something is wrong with me for not being more permissive.

 

I remember the first night we went out, she texted him and he ignored her. And she just has always liked everything he ever put up on Instagram, even from when he and I were dating. I remember thinking, I will never act like this--be so heavily into someone who is ignoring me. He even got my number right in front of her (when I thought they were friends.)

 

I do think it's hard for me to accept the fact that I wasn't "chosen."

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Damn, legendary player status on that guy.

 

OP have some self-esteem. Do you really want to be with a guy who is banging multiple chicks at once and doesn't even try to hide it? I mean when you slept with him, I'm pretty sure he was smashing that other girl.

 

If you want a LTR it's probably best you cut him off.

[Zahara]

I do think it's hard for me to accept the fact that I wasn't "chosen."

 

Rejection is a bitter pill to swallow.

 

He could have "chosen" you. And even if YOU were the chosen one, you would likely not be the only one. He'll surely have another side piece at some point.

 

You CHOSE your self-respect and your boundaries. Take pride in the fact that you have the opportunity to move forward and find someone that values respect, loyalty and commitment. That's your take home prize.

 

All she gets is a player.

[preraph]

Look, you did the right thing. Technically, it's fine that he is multidating because he did at least come clean to you and presumably her about it, so it's his right to not be exclusive. A lot of guys would just lie about it and hurt people and deceive people.

 

But you also have a right to not want to go out with someone who is multidating. To me the guy and/or myself multidating was fine when I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be serious about the guy, but how I am emotionally is if I'm stuck on the guy, I don't even WANT to see other guys and would have to make myself do it for my own good if he wasn't being exclusive, and I have done that.

 

If it's someone you think you might really get serious with or if you are simply the kind of person who doesn't feel right multidating, then you don't agree to it. It's called having boundaries to keep yourself on the path to finding what YOU need.

 

What he apparently needs right now is to multidate, so he's not the guy for you anytime in the near future. Don't press it and get him lying and cheating on you.

[WhatWait]

Thanks, preraph. That is exactly how I felt when I ended it, and I didn't feel that hurt because we weren't exclusive. I think following the social media and seeing that he's getting closer and closer to her has made me feel that I played my cards wrong and has led to me feeling worse and worse. She knew all the same things but made a different decision, and although I can't be sure, it seems like they are in an exclusive relationship now.

 

However, if I had played my cards differently, I wouldn't have been myself . . . so I get all twisted. But I know I can't be with him at this point without feeling like I'm lying to myself about what I want and just being negative. I just wish I felt better about the whole situation.

[preraph]

There is a whole dimension to guys that I don't know any women who are like that. Like I was in love with this guy and he seemed really smitten with me and then he started dating this other woman, who was nothing special at all, and I just couldn't understand it. He said it himself at the time but I tried to overthink it. He said "She's just so easy. There's no pressure." and said she made him dinner and of course she had sex with him. And I was feeling like, and that's good WHY? She doesn't give a crap, which is why there's no pressure, right? But he just wanted to sleep around without having any obligations or having to deal with feelings, I guess, even though he himself was very emotional and cried at times. But she was indeed easy and so he could just go have sex and not have to get caught up, he thought.

 

Well, we broke up but worked together eventually and also I knew other people who knew her over the decades. While we were working together he was still seeing her and we were all at a gig one night. I was with one of the bands and those two were there to see the bands. Well, that night she met and ran off with one of the guys in one of the bands and just totally dumped him, and he was shook up about it and sad.

 

What did it prove to me? Men don't always know what they want and go for the easiest thing at the time but they still have emotions and may get themselves hurt in spite of themselves.

 

I had a big circle of friends and male friends and over the decades, she slept with a lot of them and I was confidantes to a lot of them and found out she behaved kind of like a hooker, the way she came onto guys like "no strings attached," and that she even did it to married guys. She'd whisper she just wanted to have a good time and no one would need to know and no strings and just lure them in that way. Because there was no pressure.

 

Then many decades later, I had a new friendship with an old stripper (us being like 50 at the time) and eventually found out she knew that woman and had been best friends back when she was a stripper but the rumor was she was also trying to be a prostitute. Anyway, again, this woman wasn't even very attractive, no big boobs, no great body. She was just easy and no pressure -- and a whole lot of guys fell for it at least for a little while because she made no demands on them.

 

What is the male equivalent for "silly cows"?

[smackie9]

There's this thing that women want to do and it is called taming the beast...that's why guys like him have women clamoring to be chosen by him. He is so untouchable, they want him even more....to be desired is to be undesirable.

[basil67]

Yeah. It's terrible. I think what really gets to me is when I see them so firmly coupled on social media. It shakes me and makes me feel like something is wrong with me for not being more permissive.

 

When you talk of being 'permissive' are you referring to the other girl he's seeing? Because my bet isn't that she's cool and permissive - I think she's hurt and frustrated but lacking the self esteem required to move on.

 

You've got self esteem and boundaries. You'll be fine. It's her who I feel really sorry for.

[TheTraveler]

Look, you did the right thing. Technically, it's fine that he is multidating because he did at least come clean to you and presumably her about it, so it's his right to not be exclusive. A lot of guys would just lie about it and hurt people and deceive people.

 

Actually he did lie

 

"I fell pretty hard for him, and we slept together and saw one another a lot over the next two months. Early on he told me he had cut things off with the other girl.

 

However, I found proof on social media that they were seeing one another."

 

He was definitely banging both at the same time. Up to you OP, you know how he rolls.

 

You're definitely not over him with what you've written. I would suggest stop following him on social media because this guy is still in your head which is prohibiting you from meeting someone else.

[GoldSparkz]

You dodged a bullet by sticking to your principles so I commend you on that. Sounds like he wanted his cake and to eat it too. Remember that if he was asking you to be in an open relationship, then that is most likely what the other girl is putting up with. Which suggests that she is weak and has no self respect.

 

It also sounds like you fell for him after sleeping together and want to feel that connection again. Like I always say, men fall in love before sex and women fall in love after sex, so take this as a lesson, never to sleep with a guy, unless you are in an exclusive relationship. You will then be able to walk away easily if things don't work out.