Is it true that those who care the least are the ones with the most power?

February 10, 2017

Just hear me out real quick. I have an interesting story. Back in 2009 I dated a girl and we broke up because she got with another guy. She tried to make me the 'best friend' but I wasn't having that. We were together, but simply because another guy asked her out, she jumped to him and made it official. We weren't officially together, but we were still 'together'. Should make sense...hopefully. She tried to make me the 'best friend' that she would still talk to every day...talk about naive...anyway I tried doing that for a couple of months but it was just bad...so I told her goodbye and she wasn't happy about that. From there we pretty much hated each other. Fast forward like a year and 4 months later I randomly post in a mutual friend's Facebook status. She responds to me: "Could you possibly think of anyone else but yourself?!" My exact words in response: "You're not REALLY gonna try to start pointless arguments with me on other peoples' statuses, are you?"

She says nothing. And guess what happens 2 weeks later? She messages me on Facebook saying she was sorry for everything she did to me back before I told her my goodbyes. It's like...idk. I feel that because I gave her that response she automatically could see that I just moved on and didn't care anymore. And that was what made her stop and just kind of observe how stupid and immature she was acting. She literally thought that I would respond in anger to her, but I just was like, "What are you doing? I walked away from you for a reason. You're proving my point right now."

What do you guys think? Obviously I didn't 'not care'. I was just done with her bull crap and I made that loud and clear that if she was behaving like that I didn't want anything to do with her.

February 10, 2017

Basically, yes. There are people here who (for some reason) always disagree with me on this, but if you want care more about someone than they care about you; you want their time and attention more than they want yours, yes. You're giving them leverage/power over you. If you're the one doing the chasing, asking, investing, caring, etc, then you are the empowering the other person with the ability to determine the fate of the interaction. You're giving them the power to say "yes, I will 'x,' the benefit to you being 'y,' or "no, I will not 'x,' you have to deal with the consequences."

This is my basic philosophy in life when it comes to people, romantic relationships, and business: do the work to put yourself in a position to be sought after and asked rather than be the one who has to seek and ask. The people who are asked are the ones with the desirable things (resources), they're powerful. The people who have to ask are just aspiring to gain access to those resources, they're not powerful.

There is a bit of psychology that plays into this as in your scenario. When a girl realizes you don't need her, a flip gets switched and suddenly she doesn't have power over you anymore. She will respect you more. Once you demonstrate that you have can provide your own resources/satisfaction for yourself without dependence on her approval, time, and attention, you become a lot more attractive; more of a "man." Thy less you care about her opinion, the less you needy you are, the amount of resources you provide independently rather than consume dependently, the more attractive you are.

Best of luck.

February 10, 2017

I hate how it's like that honestly. It's such a bull**** way to live and do things. :/

February 10, 2017

I do think the person who is "most wanted" has the most power. But that's why I always say on here not to have an unbalanced power relationship. Couples with one knockout and one unattractive guy, guess who has the power there?

If the woman is that into money, then maybe he has some and it balances the power some, but most women are NOT enough into money that they will just have sex with someone they're not attracted to for it when they could just make it for themselves, especially if they're that good looking. So that situation is rare.

February 11, 2017

It is true for a while until the other person stops caring. And if they have any self esteem at all, they will stop caring.

February 11, 2017

I hate how it's like that honestly. It's such a bull**** way to live and do things. :/

Stop following society... read some books and understand your surrounding. That is advice not a demand.

The person with the most power in the relationship is one with true goals and is moving towards self actualization. You can love someone more than the other and can have power in the relationship because you hold some advantage you may be unaware of

BTW a quick define

self-actualization;

the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.

Someone can care the least and be powerless in a relationship.

February 11, 2017

I don't think it has anything to do with power struggle.

You made her realize she had attacked you in public for no reasons. That had her stop and put some thought into what happened in the past and felt she owed you an apology and apologized. End of it.

February 11, 2017

No. Someone with self respect will not allow the situation to become unbalanced.

February 11, 2017

I don't think it has anything to do with power struggle.

You made her realize she had attacked you in public for no reasons. That had her stop and put some thought into what happened in the past and felt she owed you an apology and apologized. End of it.

Yes but had I responded in anger which is most likely what she wanted, that would have been giving her the power and would have continued the cycle of her 'right to be angry at me'. She would have known that she could still manipulate me to her benefit and who doesn't want that?

February 11, 2017

She is an ex from 2009. She should not be living rent-free in your head space! Since you still get riled up by her eight years after a breakup, counseling might be in order to deal with the block and your stalled recovery.

Edited February 11, 2017 by angel.eyes

February 11, 2017

She is an ex from 2009. She should not be living rent-free in your head space! Since you still get riled up by her eight years after a breakup, counseling might be in order to deal with the block and your stalled recovery.

I'm not still upset about it...it was just a scenario I was thinking about and wanted to bring to light. I can talk about things without them still bugging me. We're on good terms now as friends.

Besides, why would I have any reason to be upset if she apologized? Give me a break. xD

Edited February 11, 2017 by ZayKayWill

February 11, 2017

You were "upset"enough to start a thread. Anyway, thanks for clarifying.

In general, I think that people who approach relationships as power struggles tend to have unhealthy relationships. Just focus on finding someone who is just as invested as you are. That solves a lot of problems.

Edited February 11, 2017 by angel.eyes

February 11, 2017

You were "upset"enough to start a thread. Anyway, thanks for clarifying.

In general, I think that people who approach relationships as power struggles tend to have unhealthy relationships. Just focus on finding someone who is just as invested as you are. That solves a lot of problems.

I agree. A lot of people like to play the 'game', though, and well at that point you can either choose to walk away or to play it. Walking away probably would be the most mature choice...but sometimes that's hard when you really care about someone. But then again, just because you really care about someone doesn't necessarily mean you should be with them if they're behaving like this, huh? AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! *head explodes*

February 11, 2017

'Those who care the least are the ones with the most power' is not true. The only way for it to be true would be if the person who cares more doesn't take care of their own needs.

How many times have we seen a person heartbroken after being dumped when they'd been half in and half out of a relationship? Or dumped because they made no effort? They were the person who cared less - but the person who cared more also possessed the self esteem to tell the not caring person to go jump.

February 11, 2017

Yup! If both people are emotionally invested, the relationship grows and has the potential for longevity.

Game playing may sometimes work short-term, but it's really just putting nails in the relationship coffin.

February 12, 2017

Yes but had I responded in anger which is most likely what she wanted, that would have been giving her the power and would have continued the cycle of her 'right to be angry at me'. She would have known that she could still manipulate me to her benefit and who doesn't want that?

I don't.

I continue thinking you put importance on something that meant nothing. Why do you still want it to be a power struggle after so long after a break up? Why do you care at all what she meant by her apology? I think deep down you are hoping she wants to rekindle things with you.

February 13, 2017

but most women are NOT enough into money that they will just have sex with someone they're not attracted to for it when they could just make it for themselves, especially if they're that good looking. So that situation is rare.

I don't know how you think this situation is rare. The term gold digger didn't just pop up out of nowhere. There's songs written about it! I would agree with the "most women arent" part of your statement. But there's a crap ton of gold diggers who will sleep with disgusting looking guys or incredibly old men just for their money. How do you figure that is rare? Or even on a smaller scale, women who will go on a date with no attraction to a guy, knowing she doesn't like him, just to get a free meal and free movie. You can YouTube "gold digger prank" and see how many women are in fact all about the money more so then the man. Rare? Pffffft.

February 13, 2017

I don't.

I continue thinking you put importance on something that meant nothing. Why do you still want it to be a power struggle after so long after a break up? Why do you care at all what she meant by her apology? I think deep down you are hoping she wants to rekindle things with you.

.....It's called self reflection. I'm not saying I want it to be a power struggle. I would prefer if it wasn't in case you didn't notice from my second post. And who wouldn't care about an apology if you felt betrayed by someone? Even if I was long over it down the road anyone would still appreciate a genuine apology.

Just because I'm thinking about the past that means I still want to be with her? Cmon now. You don't even know me so why would you even assume that?

February 13, 2017

I don't know how you think this situation is rare. The term gold digger didn't just pop up out of nowhere. There's songs written about it! I would agree with the "most women arent" part of your statement. But there's a crap ton of gold diggers who will sleep with disgusting looking guys or incredibly old men just for their money. How do you figure that is rare? Or even on a smaller scale, women who will go on a date with no attraction to a guy, knowing she doesn't like him, just to get a free meal and free movie. You can YouTube "gold digger prank" and see how many women are in fact all about the money more so then the man. Rare? Pffffft.

So true. I hate it.

February 13, 2017

I believe so. Or at least the more you care, the less power you have.

February 14, 2017

.....It's called self reflection. I'm not saying I want it to be a power struggle. I would prefer if it wasn't in case you didn't notice from my second post. And who wouldn't care about an apology if you felt betrayed by someone? Even if I was long over it down the road anyone would still appreciate a genuine apology.

Just because I'm thinking about the past that means I still want to be with her? Cmon now. You don't even know me so why would you even assume that?

Not assuming anything. To me you are giving this event a twist that doesn't exist. The one who cares less has the most power. I don't see where that applies here. It's usually a principal applied to people that are together in a relationship. Not your case.

It's not because she apologized that she is weak by the way. It's like you interpret it as she apologized therefore you are the one with the most power.

February 14, 2017

Not assuming anything. To me you are giving this event a twist that doesn't exist. The one who cares less has the most power. I don't see where that applies here. It's usually a principal applied to people that are together in a relationship. Not your case.

It's not because she apologized that she is weak by the way. It's like you interpret it as she apologized therefore you are the one with the most power.

I'm not saying it makes her weak just saying that from my point of view it seems like because I didn't get triggered from her insult she realized she didn't have power over me. That's all. She said herself, "I can't keep holding grudges anymore." Just a little weird is all. Again it's just an observation I'm making. Not saying I want it to be that way it just seems that way just from the way she behaved.

Edited February 14, 2017 by ZayKayWill

March 21, 2017

'Those who care the least are the ones with the most power' is not true. The only way for it to be true would be if the person who cares more doesn't take care of their own needs.

How many times have we seen a person heartbroken after being dumped when they'd been half in and half out of a relationship? Or dumped because they made no effort? They were the person who cared less - but the person who cared more also possessed the self esteem to tell the not caring person to go jump.

Yup. And at that point, they became the person that cared the least and in the end with the power to make their own decisions to leave the person in the dust wondering wtf they did wrong to make that person leave.

March 21, 2017

Yes, if you care less you have more power but if you legitimately care less, then you're not getting that awesome rush of "I want him" so what good is it?

I mean more power for what? To make the person come begging? Who wants a person they don't want, to come begging?

I have never really understood this outlook. I mean OP, do you legitimately feel less? If so why do you even care about this situation? I would think if you didn't care, you would have rolled your eyes at her FB post and let her look like the psycho there, all alone. Or if she contacted you, you'd be glad in a detached way for the apology, would have thanked her politely in a way that didn't invite any future communication and immediately moved on.

Now, how does it work to *pretend* you feel less? Almost never very well. You'll break at some point, admit your feelings, and she'll run off happily knowing she is still the wanted, desired Big Cheese. I've seen it about a billion times.

So yeah, I can't see how, any way you look at it, it could matter/be useful/be positive to "have more power" in this way. It gets old and boring leading someone you don't want around by the nose and OTOH if you do care and you're just playing the I don't care game to "get more power," you will ultimately be outed and crushed all over again.

Just skip this sort of stuff and look for something a bit more equal. That one was never actually equal because she was never that into you. If she was, there would have been none of the "not quite official" stuff you describe above and she wouldn't have run off with some other guy "just because" he asked her out. I mean come on now.

Forget this person and accept that she apologized and move on.

March 21, 2017

Yes, if you care less you have more power but if you legitimately care less, then you're not getting that awesome rush of "I want him" so what good is it?

I mean more power for what? To make the person come begging? Who wants a person they don't want, to come begging?

I have never really understood this outlook. I mean OP, do you legitimately feel less? If so why do you even care about this situation? I would think if you didn't care, you would have rolled your eyes at her FB post and let her look like the psycho there, all alone. Or if she contacted you, you'd be glad in a detached way for the apology, would have thanked her politely in a way that didn't invite any future communication and immediately moved on.

Now, how does it work to *pretend* you feel less? Almost never very well. You'll break at some point, admit your feelings, and she'll run off happily knowing she is still the wanted, desired Big Cheese. I've seen it about a billion times.

So yeah, I can't see how, any way you look at it, it could matter/be useful/be positive to "have more power" in this way. It gets old and boring leading someone you don't want around by the nose and OTOH if you do care and you're just playing the I don't care game to "get more power," you will ultimately be outed and crushed all over again.

Just skip this sort of stuff and look for something a bit more equal. That one was never actually equal because she was never that into you. If she was, there would have been none of the "not quite official" stuff you describe above and she wouldn't have run off with some other guy "just because" he asked her out. I mean come on now.

Forget this person and accept that she apologized and move on.

*sigh* I'm not making it a big deal. It was just an observation I was making that's all. Thanks for your input.

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Is it true that those who care the least are the ones with the most power?

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