highroller30 Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 (edited) Hey guys, Last october I met a great girl who matches my personality, physical type and also hobbies, vision etc. Since then we have dated about 8 times and are crazy about each other. She told me on date 1 her father died 3 years ago and about a year ago she lost her grandmother and grandfather. She immigrated from Portugal to the Netherlands when she was 6. Her family in Portugal abandoned her by not showing condolences when her father died. These problems also caused some friends of hers to leave her because she was too much of a 'burden' to deal with. The scars are still visible. Last christmas period she isolated herself for 3 weeks because the pain of the losses returned. I thought she ditched me but after those 3 weeks she contacted me, apologized for her behavior and stated she didn't want to lose me because I have a special place in her heart. She wanted to maintain contact. We went to see each other to talk it out 3 weeks ago. She told me she decided to quit her study temporarily to catch some breath from the heavy burden. We agreed on dating each other but to take it slow and give each other time and space when needed. We had plans to watch a film next week and she also stated she wanted to spend valentines day with me. However, in those previous 3 weeks of silence I tried to contact her mother and little brother (who I had not met before) to check if something was wrong with the girl because I was worried about her. She found that out the weekend after we talked things out and cancelled our date. She stated that for now I crossed the line and needed some space. I've been giving her this space since. Now with valentines day coming up I asked her if she was open to go out for dinner. I also stated that if she needs more space it's fine and we'll catch up another time. Haven't got a reply yet. I care a lot about this girl (who had been abandoned by friends and family) and don't want to give her up. She's a good fit and a special person for me. On the other hand I feel that I should not drag myself into her misery too much so that it will affect my own mental health. I've got great friends, recently started two companies and I am reading books and learning from others to better myself. I also value her personal development and agree that she needs some alone time too to figure things out. At the same time it is really hard because I am pretty impatience and would like to see her more than I have for the last 2 months. She's very valuable to me and don't want to lose her because of my impatience. Has anyone experienced something similar and/or has some advice? Thanks in advance Edited February 9, 2017 by highroller30
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 She's depressed & still grieving. You want to be her BF. Do not be her therapist. You can't "save her" which is what you are describing here. She's really not in a good place. Anyway 8 dates in 3+ months is a very slow pace. It's less than 1 date per week. You did cross a huge line by calling her family. After only 8 dates at barely the 90 day mark, you are barely more than a stranger. For you to be so bold even with good intentions would have sent me packing. What you did was highly invasive. How did you even get contact info for her family? If she has a mother & a brother all this drama about everyone abandoning her may indicate she has a bit of a martyr complex. 3
Author highroller30 Posted February 9, 2017 Author Posted February 9, 2017 I found the info on fb, it's not that hard to find out... Keep in mind that she already met my mother though. She wanted to visit me out of school one day but my mom was home so she met her kind off accidentally.
preraph Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 Going to someone's family when they are not responding to you is actually on the list of what stalkers and dangerously obsessed people do. It's highly disrespectful and would be a dealbreaker for me and anyone with common sense. She asked for space and you refused and tried to get at her through her family. You can't take no for an answer, so you'll run her off if you haven't already. It's a control issue you need to get a grip on. 5
Author highroller30 Posted February 9, 2017 Author Posted February 9, 2017 Oh wow so reaching out to be able to help someone (even though uncomfortable and poorly chosen) instead of leaving them early is a sign to leave someone? The order of events occured like this: 1. Girl was in a bad state for 3 weeks. I didn't know what was going on. I got no response. 2. I tried to contact her mom and little brother. 3. Girl apologized and wanted to talk things out. The result of the talk was that we would give each other space and time when needed. 4. She found out that I had contacted her mom and little brother. 5. I apologie and gave her space until this day
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 Yes, calling her mom & brother was a BAD thing. It was invasive. It wasn't your place. It would cause me to never speak to you again. You explained to us, here on LS, that your heart was in the right place but good intentions don't matter. Let's turn the tables. Pretend you had a bad time at work & confided that to your GF. Now imagine she called your boss & tried to fix your problem. How would you feel? 5
preraph Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 Oh wow so reaching out to be able to help someone (even though uncomfortable and poorly chosen) instead of leaving them early is a sign to leave someone? The order of events occured like this: 1. Girl was in a bad state for 3 weeks. I didn't know what was going on. I got no response. 2. I tried to contact her mom and little brother. 3. Girl apologized and wanted to talk things out. The result of the talk was that we would give each other space and time when needed. 4. She found out that I had contacted her mom and little brother. 5. I apologie and gave her space until this day You were trying to help you not be insecure. Helping her was the excuse. She asked for space. You're acting as if you know what's better for her than she does. 2
WaitingForBardot Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 I'm having a hard time getting my head around some of the responses. I was not there so obviously I'm flying blind, but what I'm hearing is if I knew and/or cared about someone, they were in a bad way, and had suddenly dropped out of contact, I would be a stalker for contacting their family to be sure they were safe? What if I thought they were (even) potentially suicidal? Pestering the family repeatedly after I found out they were okay is one thing, but asking once out of concern? I just don't see that... My opinion only (apparently)...
smackie9 Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 Just because you are infatuated with her doesn't mean you have a right to get up in her family business. The reality is, she is nowhere near ready to have a relationship. You were a type of rebound/escape from her grieving heart...that's why things were so intense. Well that has lost it's flavor now, and she's right back into her painful grieving. I wouldn't invest in this anymore. 1
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