How do I know whom to continue and whom to stop dating?

February 9, 2017

Hi guys.

I know I've been said to create chaos for being fickle on whom to date. But I'm ready to choose one person so that I don't lose him due to my own curiosity and greed. (I have lost someone I really liked because I wouldn't stop dating another, and I am close to repeating the mistake, but I'm gonna stop myself before it's too late.)

But I want to know what you guys think on HOW to choose whom to continue dating and whom to stop seeing when you like two people. Or perhaps not go with anyone and be single for years until you meet just one person you like? (Doubt I'm this patient.)

The people I'm currently seeing are a colleague I've known for about 8 months and really love as a friend and am actually attracted to, and a friend's friend I've known only for a week and find attractive too. But the period I've dated them both are the same, which is around a week.

Thank you.

February 9, 2017

You shouldn't need strangers to tell you who to date.

if you cant decide I'd say you don't like either one of them enough. You'd really know if you had strong feelings for one of them. But it has only been a week? Not long enough to make a choice.

Keep looking and stop multi dating. Date one person at a time. If you dont like that person, stop dating them and move on.

February 9, 2017

I tried the multi-dating thing. I have no idea why I did it really. I think I took some dating advice I read too much to heart as I'm an emotional person and I thought it would give me more control over things. As Elizabeth said, you may not like either of them enough and it's also really difficult to be 'in the moment' with someone and really explore a connection when you're meeting other people. Then naturally if they really like you, they won't be best pleased when they find out.

February 10, 2017

I tried the multi-dating thing. I have no idea why I did it really. I think I took some dating advice I read too much to heart as I'm an emotional person and I thought it would give me more control over things. As Elizabeth said, you may not like either of them enough and it's also really difficult to be 'in the moment' with someone and really explore a connection when you're meeting other people. Then naturally if they really like you, they won't be best pleased when they find out.

I agree that we did it to get more control over things. Too bad I also agree they won't be pleased if/when they find out. And I'm starting to see your point that it's hard to explore a connection when we're also meeting other people...

February 10, 2017

i think at a week, you don't need to decide yet. Keep the pace on the slower end and probably decide at a month. BTW, the work one may be a challenge since it is at your workplace so use caution with that one.

"How" to decide. You should feel strongly about one or the other or it's not time or strength of relationship is not strong enough. A friend feeling is usually not enough. A feeling like you can't NOT have them in your life in a romantic way is usually a good decider. If you don't feel that way about either guy, it's usually best to keep dating until you find someone who makes you feel that way. And enjoy dating more casually rather than drag someone else through something they think is serious or when that's not really what you feel or where it will go for you. It can be hard to break those off when you are ready to leave bc the person has done nothing wrong-you just don't see a future with them. You will save yourself a lot of guilt and headache and wasted time if you don't do that to someone plus it's not very nice. Good luck

February 10, 2017

Hi guys.

I know I've been said to create chaos for being fickle on whom to date.

Do you seek attention from many people or suffer low self-esteem

February 10, 2017

You can multi-date till one ask you to be exclusive. If it feels right to be asked exclusivity then you agree and drop the other guy. If it feels wrong to be asked exclusivity than you have your answer which one is your favorite.

February 10, 2017

You like them both, but how compatible are they? What do you know about their values, attitudes on important issues that matter to you (which may include women's rights and equality), their short and long-term goals regarding relationships, career, children, etc., and are you of comparable libido, range of sexual activities desired, frequency of same, etc.?

A week of dating isn't enough to establish these things fully - you may know some if you've known them longer, or have had extensive conversations about these things (unlikely if you've been dating so short a time).

I suggest you continue dating both until either you decide one is better for you, or until one asks you to be exclusive and you decide yes/no to that idea. It could be that neither of them is actually compatible, in which case date one or both while it continues to be fun, and then move on.

February 10, 2017

This is why I stopped dating multiple people at once. I feel bad because I was constantly comparing one to another and it turned into a mess for me. And, I was second guessing myself continually.

I'm not currently single but I only date one person at a time. I can generally tell after three dates whether or not I want to continue dating them or vice versa. For me, it isn't necessarily about these weird, shallow "dimensions" of compatibility. I pay close attention to what I view as red flags that pop up. Some of these are minor and some of them are serious.

Here's an example of a minor red flag. A woman was very pleasant throughout two dates and we got along well. However, two things happened that spooked me off. First of all, she was pretty attached to her phone. She pulled it out once or twice during dates and was always on it whenever there was a "break" in the date (example: one of us went to the bathroom). The phone never stayed in her pocket either. It was always on the table and I bet she was looking at it two dozen times over the space of two dates. It was really bad on the second date so I called it off.

An example of a major red flag. I went on three dates with a woman and things were clicking along well. However, it came out that she had picked up several DUIs in the past two years. I don't drink because it triggers migraines but I noticed that she wasn't drinking either. I had explained this to her on our first date and she said that she liked the "occasional drink". I noticed that she wasn't ordering drinks with her meals and I stated that I hoped she wasn't avoiding alcohol on my part. That's when I found out that she had been in trouble with drinking. Nice lady but, buh-bye.

February 11, 2017

Do you seek attention from many people or suffer low self-esteem

Are you asking or mocking? Yes for both of the above. But are you saying that to help or to bully?

February 11, 2017

Are you asking or mocking?

Or perhaps enlighten....

OK, I'm old so I don't understand multi dating. What's wrong with dating one guy at a time and seeing if he's The One? If he's not The One, move on when you realise he's not the guy for you.

February 11, 2017

Okay, a lot of different perspectives.. following which person I feel more strongly for.. waiting when somebody asks for exclusivity.. seeing who I'm most compatible with.. looking out for red flags..

Personally I like the "which one I have stronger feelings for" idea.. but thank you, all..

(I'm even thanking the people who say I have low self-esteem because I do and am spending time alone to regain self-love, and that I seek attention because I do or I wouldn't have posted my problem on a forum for advice.)

February 11, 2017

Or perhaps enlighten....

OK, I'm old so I don't understand multi dating. What's wrong with dating one guy at a time and seeing if he's The One? If he's not The One, move on when you realise he's not the guy for you.

I still think calling people out for attention-seeking and having low self-esteem does not come from a good heart. I noticed you liked her post. I did not sign up for this forum to get this. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

February 11, 2017

I always just chose one. When my feelings seemed the same towards two, I figured I would never really have enough information to know who was the best long term match; just too many variables. So I would just chose and try to make it work. Sometimes it didn't, but enough times it did.

Also never a multi-dater so take this with a grain of salt...

February 11, 2017

Okay, a lot of different perspectives.. following which person I feel more strongly for.. waiting when somebody asks for exclusivity.. seeing who I'm most compatible with.. looking out for red flags..

Personally I like the "which one I have stronger feelings for" idea.. but thank you, all..

But the one that you have the most feelings for may not be your best match, or he may not share your feelings, or he may not be treating you the way you deserve. I have learn in my dating years to be careful about those early feelings. Actually each time I went for the man that ignited the most feelings in me I ended up the big loser. There has to be more than feelings to the man you pick.

February 11, 2017

But the one that you have the most feelings for may not be your best match, or he may not share your feelings, or he may not be treating you the way you deserve. I have learn in my dating years to be careful about those early feelings. Actually each time I went for the man that ignited the most feelings in me I ended up the big loser. There has to be more than feelings to the man you pick.

Man.. just when I thought I was getting somewhere.. haha.. thanks a lot for the warning, though. *thumbs up*

February 11, 2017

But the one that you have the most feelings for may not be your best match, or he may not share your feelings, or he may not be treating you the way you deserve. I have learn in my dating years to be careful about those early feelings. Actually each time I went for the man that ignited the most feelings in me I ended up the big loser. There has to be more than feelings to the man you pick.

Actually I know what you're talking about. In my original post, I mentioned I've lost someone 'cause I chose the wrong person. Now I remember, I DID choose the one I had the most feelings for. Sigh. Always bound to make the same mistakes; that's me.

February 11, 2017

Actually I know what you're talking about. In my original post, I mentioned I've lost someone 'cause I chose the wrong person. Now I remember, I DID choose the one I had the most feelings for. Sigh. Always bound to make the same mistakes; that's me.

So now that you have identified something you should change you will just ignore it and continue with your same old plan ?

February 11, 2017

The prinary reason I decided never to revisit the multi-dating (did it once) world is b/c it is not fair to the other two or more you are involved with. Also, when you have feelings for both, you are essentially tossing up a coin to decide which one is worth following through with. Once you decide, the other one may never be an option again as you two have history and a break-up as part of your mutual experience.

But that is not what you want to hear. For you, I believe you need to be very careful. At what point do you believe either of these guys will ask for exclusivity? AFTER you've had sex? Then what?

I would sit down and seriously think about what either of these guys have to offer. One is a complete stranger and your attraction is probably purely physical w/o substance. But this guy from work, you may know better and you are attracted to him as well. Who asked you out first? And when you started dating the first guy, why did you feel the need to date another?

February 12, 2017

The prinary reason I decided never to revisit the multi-dating (did it once) world is b/c it is not fair to the other two or more you are involved with. Also, when you have feelings for both, you are essentially tossing up a coin to decide which one is worth following through with. Once you decide, the other one may never be NOT an option again as you two have history and a break-up as part of your mutual experience.

But that is not what you want to hear. For you, I believe you need to be very careful. At what point do you believe either of these guys will ask for exclusivity? AFTER you've had sex? Then what?

I would sit down and seriously think about what either of these guys have to offer. One is a complete stranger and your attraction is probably purely physical w/o substance. But this guy from work, you may know better and you are attracted to him as well. Who asked you out first? And when you started dating the first guy, why did you feel the need to date another?

Sorry, missed the NOT in the first paragraph.

So, there is a strong likelihood that you end of losing two for the price of one.

February 12, 2017

I still think calling people out for attention-seeking and having low self-esteem does not come from a good heart. I noticed you liked her post. I did not sign up for this forum to get this. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

I doubt that Sweetfish was calling you out. I think he was asking a question to gain context .... Or perhaps make you think. While elaborating on his question may have been helpful, I don't see that asking the question is inherently wrong.

You'd be surprised at the number of people who aren't aware that their issues stem from having low self esteem. When I was young, I did not connect the dots between my self worth and attention seeking with boys. It would have been helpful to have someone to explore this idea with.

If you know you have low self esteem and can connect it with what's going on in your mind, then you are already ahead of many others in your same situation.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

February 12, 2017

Sorry, missed the NOT in the first paragraph.

So, there is a strong likelihood that you end of losing two for the price of one.

I think it was correct the first time - the other one might never be an option again - and I understand what you mean.

I dated the colleague/friend first. But he just got out of a long-term LDR a couple of months ago, so I was afraid I was only a rebound. And worse, I'm paranoid she'd come back and they'd get back together.

Then as for the second guy, I was "trapped" into dating him at first because my friend set us up (She didn't know I had started dating the colleague, who is also her friend actually).

The problem was worsened by me because I went along with it and kept dating both of them; I'll take responsibility for that.

Now I'm taking myself away from the situation by going on a solo vacay, but I'm aware I have to deal with the situation when I get back, i.e. I might have to choose.

February 12, 2017

I think it was correct the first time - the other one might never be an option again - and I understand what you mean.

I dated the colleague/friend first. But he just got out of a long-term LDR a couple of months ago, so I was afraid I was only a rebound. And worse, I'm paranoid she'd come back and they'd get back together.

Then as for the second guy, I was "trapped" into dating him at first because my friend set us up (She didn't know I had started dating the colleague, who is also her friend actually).

The problem was worsened by me because I went along with it and kept dating both of them; I'll take responsibility for that.

Now I'm taking myself away from the situation by going on a solo vacay, but I'm aware I have to deal with the situation when I get back, i.e. I might have to choose.

You've only dated both for a week. You are probably going to align easier with the colleague because you've known him for awhile. The new guy is nice and refreshing and new. The colleague is ready to attach to anything out there as he's fresh out of a LTR.

Way too early to pick and choose. I would continue to date and maybe see if someone else is out there.

Personally, I'd drop the coworker. Try the new guy out and continue to find others

February 16, 2017

Thanks for all the posts. I didn't see this coming but apparently my problem settled on its own.

When I got back from my solo vacay, I found out the second guy has moved on; he is dating his postgraduate classmate. I think he saw that I had some baggage. Besides, both times we went out, we didn't kiss. I can assume he thinks I'm not interested. We didn't even set a third date.

Maybe I had been distant because subconsciously I was saving myself for the first guy, my co-worker. So I'm still seeing him, but we're taking it slow. I think both of us need to focus on ourselves. I don't know where this is going but we're still hanging out as colleagues.

February 16, 2017

Thanks for all the posts. I didn't see this coming but apparently my problem settled on its own.

When I got back from my solo vacay, I found out the second guy has moved on; he is dating his postgraduate classmate. I think he saw that I had some baggage. Besides, both times we went out, we didn't kiss. I can assume he thinks I'm not interested. We didn't even set a third date.

Maybe I had been distant because subconsciously I was saving myself for the first guy, my co-worker. So I'm still seeing him, but we're taking it slow. I think both of us need to focus on ourselves. I don't know where this is going but we're still hanging out as colleagues.

In no way im picking on you. I perfer to ask questions to see your problem instead of giving you generic advice or just saying something sweet just to make you feel better.

You also noted you have baggage?

Also, do you and both your parents get along?

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How do I know whom to continue and whom to stop dating?

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