black swan Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 (edited) I have started going to dates with a girl I was introduced to, around 5 years ago (nothing happened at the time), but after 3 years of no contact with her, we reignited our friendship/interest through the same person again as she said she is interested in me. The first dates took place the summer just gone, for a month. I wasn’t too sure at the time as we are living in different countries and I had concerns about that. But I got closer to her by the end of the summer. But I kept it in a platonic level. When I left, I had made up my mind that I wanted to pursue her and told her so. She gave a rather neutral response then, (giving me many compliments) but someone who is really interested would have been much keener to keep the communication going but she went silent instead. I visited again in October, when we discussed things, and she said her worry is that because our families know each other, she is skeptical about the whole thing, just in case something goes wrong. Which I thought it was a lame/weird excuse. She wanted some time to think about it. Then I left, and after a few days she went silent again. Then I forgot about her, but on xmas day she sent me a message out of the blue saying she really wanted to see me but she had left it too late. Coincidentally it was the day I was flying back home, so we ended up spending a lot of the xmas holidays together and we got even closer. At this point things started becoming more physical, but still in preliminary stages. Then I left and for a week things were going well but then she went silent again. I mean, this is getting ridiculous. She had a serious relationship that was leading to a wedding but it didn’t work out and she broke up 1.5 years ago. One friend told me that when a woman disappears, it is usually because of another man. Not necessarily dating someone else, but in this case could be she is not over that relationship yet. Which is something I have sensed. But I found her behavior very immature to say the least, she is very shy/introvert when it comes to sharing her feelings and although a part of me wants to be patient, I feel that I am allowing a vicious circle perpetuating. The fact that she goes silent on me, forces me to go silent on her. When she wont respond to a couple of messages after every time I leave(and everything seems fine while together), forces me to stop initiating any more contact, for obvious reasons. I guess it is her way of protecting herself, maybe buying herself time until she feels more ready to go further or maybe to finish it, who knows. But at the same time it is a very unhealthy way of dealing with the situation. I guess at this point many will say she is not worth it, and all the dating strategies from years of dating experience will start flowing, but that rather feels to me like a not good enough approach. I see her as a potential future partner, and although I am not in love with her yet(but I can see myself getting there eventually if she starts being more responsive), so I can look at things in a more pragmatic way, I would have liked to make something positive out of all this, instead of letting go. It is easy at this point to let go, but I guess the fascination comes from turning something half broken into brand new again. I mean, who goes out with someone so many times if there is no erotic interest? I am visiting again in a few days (which she might be excepting as we talked about it before she went silent), but I never actually confirmed it to her, as the day I booked my ticket, she went silent. Typical! The question is what is a good plan forward? Although I said I want to make something positive out of the whole thing, we are human beings after all. We all have pride, dignity and sometimes we cant let ourselves being mistreated. So both, positive and less positive ideas /opinions are welcomed. I cant make up my mind how to go about it. And since I read these forums from time to time, and people usually have brilliant ideas, I hope some replies will help me take a decision, one way or another. Edited February 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 The wall of text made your situation / Q somewhat impenetrable. Let me see if I can summarize: 5 years ago a mutual friend introduced you to a woman. Nothing happened & you two had no interaction for 3 years. Then you became reacquainted. This past summer 2016 you were in the same place & dated briefly for about 1 month. You separated to different countries but have remained in touch & have seen each other a few times, most recently over the Christmas holidays. She is shy & often doesn't respond to you at which point you fade back a bit (a strategy I approve). She had expressed reservations about dating you because you are family friends. Now you will be back in town & able to see her in person. You have told her this but she hasn't responded. Did I get that right? All in all I think she's either not as interested as you are or so socially frozen that she can't get past her shyness to talk about what she wants. Do see her when you are there & get her to talk about what she wants, what her vision for the future looks like. If she's not keen on maintaining an LDR & / or if you can't pin point when the distance can or will be closed, stop pursuing this. 1
Author black swan Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 thanks for summarising it. I really appreciate it. no, although we talked about me visiting prior to her disappearance, she doesn't know that I am going back.
Rouik Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 The choice is your but I am not sure if I was in your position I would pursue anything besides a friendship. If she had only broken contact once maybe but it has been multiple times now, not worth hanging on to tight. Good luck in whatever decision you make, I hope you find happiness either way and have a safe trip home.
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