Quokka Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I've known this girl for four years now. We are pretty much bestfriends with the benefits included. I am also deeply in love with her. We first started being intimate when we first met, tried to date, didn't work out on her part, I went my own way. A year later we meet up again. I have a very good job, my own place, and money to spend. Me and her were talking and dated for about 2 months when she broke it off because she became depressed. A week later she comes back to me apologizing and says she wants to try it again, I go with it and another month later she ends it again due to depression. This girl is not the type to date. She tries things out and gets bored and pushes people away. Change makes her very depressed. However she just won't let me go anywhere. Of course I could walk away and become cold with her and I once tried that but she came and found me at my buddies house and we ended up hooking up and hanging out for 6 straight days. Each time I ask for a relationship she denies me but we continue to play house with each other and do everything couples do. I take care of her, she takes care of me. We even go as far as to tell each other we love each other. A recent event occured, I spent the last 5 days with her. We didn't hook up once but were flirty, friendly, kissing and all of that. Last night I tried to kiss her and she denies me. She tells me she doesn't want a relationship and I replied with "all I wanted was to kiss you" and basically it ended up turning into me telling her how I felt about her which was nerve wracking. It went a little something like this "I'm not trying to force you into anything you don't want. That isn't my intention. Yes I would love for us to be together but I won't beg or push for that. I love you and I can handle your depression (she thinks no one wants to deal with her depression) and I like taking care of you. I told her the only reason I want a relationship so badly is because when I try to date/talk to other women I just can't seem to get that same feeling that I feel for you. She told me she loved me and wanted to spend time with me and said I'm not saying never just not right now. I changed the subject after that and we went to bed together. Now that you're caught up, sorry long story I know. My thoughts on what to do about this situation are torn between two options: 1. Continue being her friend and hooking up occasionally and hoping someday she'll come around. 2. Become distant, go cold, just walk away from the entire situation and although a tough process but ultimately; move on. It seems like that's all I have and both honestly suck. Because option one keeps me in the boat, option two gets me out of the boat but lost at sea. I truly do love this girl and I can't tell if she's just keeping me around because she loves me or just because she doesn't want to lose me. Help
ElizabethIII Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Option 2. It doesnt leave you lost at sea. It will set you free.
Jj66 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 If you can't get what you want from her then get it from somewhere else.
Author Quokka Posted February 8, 2017 Author Posted February 8, 2017 If you can't get what you want from her then get it from somewhere else. Well I mentioned that when I try to see other women, it's hard me to feel anything cause I'm caught up in how she can make me feel.
preraph Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Her depression limits her ability to keep obligations and a real relationship requires some obligation. With depression, you can be overwhelmed at the idea of deciding whether to eat a burger or pizza and you can dread getting out of the house. I just think you have to be sure she really is being treated both in therapy and drug therapy for her depression and isn't one of those who has it, uses it as a big excuse, but will never do anything about it. If you know for sure she's taking meds and seeing a therapist regularly, then maybe hang in there. If she's not and says she doesn't believe in meds, meds make her feel worse, and therapy doesn't help, 99 excuses, I would say do not wait around.
ashy555 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Mate you need to get out before she ends up crushing your soul. She has been quite clear she doesn't want a relationship. You are just hanging around till she meets someone better and that will hurt like hell but it will happen. Its an excuse for her. She liked you but not that much to be with you. Honestly, she sounds very messed up and confused. Leave and show her what she is missing. She will prob want you back but that is something you need to be strong about. You deserve a girl who WANTS to be with you. You need to leave asap, otherwise you will end up very hurt.
Author Quokka Posted February 8, 2017 Author Posted February 8, 2017 Her depression limits her ability to keep obligations and a real relationship requires some obligation. With depression, you can be overwhelmed at the idea of deciding whether to eat a burger or pizza and you can dread getting out of the house. I just think you have to be sure she really is being treated both in therapy and drug therapy for her depression and isn't one of those who has it, uses it as a big excuse, but will never do anything about it. If you know for sure she's taking meds and seeing a therapist regularly, then maybe hang in there. If she's not and says she doesn't believe in meds, meds make her feel worse, and therapy doesn't help, 99 excuses, I would say do not wait around. She doesn't see therapy but she is on an anti-depressant that she started a week ago. She recently moved houses as well and the change has really got her down and out.
elaine567 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Its all very cosy, but it isn't what you really want and so you need to walk away. She likes you, she may even love you but she doesn't see you in her future. The fact after 4 years she doesn't even want to put the "relationship" label on what you have together is telling. A "relationship" doesn't mean "Marry me, have my kids, and we will grow old together, it just means we are seeing each other exclusively and we love each others company. If she cannot even give you that then you need to give up... Move on.
Author Quokka Posted February 8, 2017 Author Posted February 8, 2017 Mate you need to get out before she ends up crushing your soul. She has been quite clear she doesn't want a relationship. You are just hanging around till she meets someone better and that will hurt like hell but it will happen. Its an excuse for her. She liked you but not that much to be with you. Honestly, she sounds very messed up and confused. Leave and show her what she is missing. She will prob want you back but that is something you need to be strong about. You deserve a girl who WANTS to be with you. You need to leave asap, otherwise you will end up very hurt. You are right when you say all of these things. I do deserve someone who wants to be with me no doubt about it. But I want to believe her too. She says she doesn't want to be with anybody. But idk anymore
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Once feelings come into the equation, FWB has to be off the table. It's not fair & hurts too much. Put a lot of distance in this relationship.
LostOnes05 Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 YOU.ARE.WASTING.YOUR.TIME.WITH.HER. I guarantee that if you distance yourself and date someone else, she'll come back making all sorts of promises. That's not what you want either. She only wants to keep you on a string depression or not. You've wasted at least 2 years on this woman, and I mean wasted. Wait until she finds a guy she wants to pursue, you'll be the forgotten BFF. You can't be her white knight, take her hot/cold behavior, and hope for a healthy relationship.
preraph Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 She doesn't see therapy but she is on an anti-depressant that she started a week ago. She recently moved houses as well and the change has really got her down and out. If she got on pills without benefit of a proper diagnosis by a psychologist or psychiatrist, you should talk her into seeing a proper doctor like that who is qualified to fully diagnose her. Maybe you'll get lucky and her antidepressant will work, but often there's more than one thing going on plus it takes a psychiatrist to understand how to change up and mix pill combos to get one to work right.
Author Quokka Posted February 9, 2017 Author Posted February 9, 2017 YOU.ARE.WASTING.YOUR.TIME.WITH.HER. I guarantee that if you distance yourself and date someone else, she'll come back making all sorts of promises. That's not what you want either. She only wants to keep you on a string depression or not. You've wasted at least 2 years on this woman, and I mean wasted. Wait until she finds a guy she wants to pursue, you'll be the forgotten BFF. You can't be her white knight, take her hot/cold behavior, and hope for a healthy relationship. My subconscious screams this at me. Although, having her wanting me would be a pretty good feeling. I might get a girlfriend just to see what happens
coolheadal Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 Well I mentioned that when I try to see other women, it's hard me to feel anything cause I'm caught up in how she can make me feel. Yes I know your pain it's how when you love someone else and they don't love you back in return. It can really hurt you all the way into the gut. You feel with the gut so much pain. I agree option 2.
Author Quokka Posted February 10, 2017 Author Posted February 10, 2017 Yes I know your pain it's how when you love someone else and they don't love you back in return. It can really hurt you all the way into the gut. You feel with the gut so much pain. I agree option 2. I'm sitting here at her house right now... I told myself distance was best but she called me and insisted I come over
LostOnes05 Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I'm sitting here at her house right now... I told myself distance was best but she called me and insisted I come over C'mon man, this is basically you right now... Sees warning sign of cliff ahead...still drives over cliff. And my point wasn't to make her jealous. It was that when you move on she'll be there to thwart any attempt of you to do so. But good luck!
moebius Posted February 10, 2017 Posted February 10, 2017 I'm sitting here at her house right now... I told myself distance was best but she called me and insisted I come over No matter how many times she comes back with promises, she's gonna break them again and again. She should get counseling about the reasons she can't cope with a relationship. Because it looks like she wants a relationship but something inside her is messing that up. Your only hope is that she actually fixes her problem with having a relationship.
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