Did I have an emotionally abusive relationship

[rodders]

Hi, I'm a guy in my mid thirties and have recently split with a girl after a year relationship. I have found the break up hard, but not that I want to get back and miss them but in the fact that I feel angry about how I was treated. When I've spoken to people they said it was emotionally abusive. That is a powerful term to me and I had not considered it before but now have had time to reflect I'm wondering if infact I was. Now I know it is not as extreme as I'm sure people on here have suffered but I wanted to ask the question if people think it is, or if I am over thinking it. But maybe it will give an insight in to why I'm struggling with everyday stuff now.

 

Essentially there were many many incidents where if I didn't do things like text or call, I apparently didn't love her, I was treating her poorly. I would get tearful calls and by the end I would be made to feel I had done something wrong and I was apologising. Which in turn led to me calling and doing things when I didn't want to or have the time just to not cause upset. Also I got to the point of not telling if I had been out with a female friend for a coffee (I have never ever cheated in my life). I would get nervous and edgy if I had an innocent text off a girl. If I was upset by how my gf was treating me, it was always my fault and if I questioned it I would be told to **** off or 'I can't handle the truth' etc.

 

Essentially the blame was always put on me. This left me very low and I have since gone in anti depressants and counselling. I was treading on egg shells to avoid causing upset. If she had come to some wild invalid conclusion it was because of me, it was my fault. Whereas if I was upset (legitimately) she would say it was in my head and make me apologise effectively for thinking that. On nights out I would get up to 15 missed calls and then texts saying 'can't believe you would do this to me' even though I hadn't heard the calls etc.

 

It even got to a point where I got nervous about seeing a film because I joked I had a crush in the actress and it caused a big argument where I had to explain and backtrack. Basically the relationship has left me very low and I'm struggling in a new one and now I'm acting on edge and it has had a massive impact on my life. Was this abusive or am I being over sensitive. And if I am being over sensitive I apologise to people who are in genuinely emotional abusive relationships

 

Cheers

Edited February 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Downtown]

Was this abusive or am I being over sensitive?

Rodders, yes, you are describing verbal and emotional abuse.

 

There were many many incidents where if I didn't do things like text or call, I apparently didn't love her, I was treating her poorly. I would get tearful calls and by the end I would be made to feel I had done something wrong and I was apologizing.

You are describing the type of abusive behavior that arises from a great abandonment fear. If your exGF has a serious fear of abandonment, she likely is so immature that she has a very weak sense of "object constancy." That is, she lacks the ability to trust that a person is essentially unchanged from day to day in his feelings for her.

 

As I discussed with you last October, this lack of trust presents serious problems. For one thing, it means that she likely will administer an unending series of $h!t tests to make sure you still love her TODAY. But passing a test does not mean that she will feel secure in your love. Rather, it only means she will raise the hoop higher the next time she insists that you jump through. Because a BPDer is filled with self loathing, it is impossible to prove to her that your love is lasting. She lives in fear that, once you eventually realize how empty she is on the inside, your love will evaporate and you will walk away.

 

A second problem is that the lack of trust means the R/S cannot be sustained. The reason is that trust is the foundation on which all close LTRs must be built in order for them to last. A third problem is that, if your GF can never trust you for any extended period, you can never truly trust HER -- because she eventually will turn on you.

 

Significantly, "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention this because most of the behaviors you describe -- her abandonment fear, irrational anger, very controlling behavior, sulking, lack of impulse control, inability to trust you, self-loathing, black-white thinking, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

If I was upset by how my gf was treating me, it was always my fault and if I questioned it I would be told to **** off or 'I can't handle the truth' etc. Essentially the blame was always put on me.

If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent traits), this behavior is to be expected. BPDers typically have a false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." They rely on their partners to "validate" that false self identity.

 

During the infatuation stage, you were able to do that validation by playing the role of "The Rescuer," which implied that she was indeed a victim in need of being saved from unhappiness. As soon as the infatuation started evaporating, however, a BPDer would have stopped perceiving you as "The Rescuer" and started seeing you as "The Perpetrator" -- i.e., the source of her every misfortune. By blaming you for every problem, a BPDer is able to keep validating her false self image.

 

If she had come to some wild invalid conclusion it was because of me, it was my fault.

Because a BPDer is filled with insecurities and self loathing, the last thing she wants to find is one more mistake or flaw to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. Her subconscious mind therefore works 24/7 to make sure that her conscious mind never sees her flaws and mistakes.

 

A BPDer's subconscious accomplishes this by projecting these hurtful thoughts and feelings onto you. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will be absolutely convinced that the problems are coming from you. The result is that a BPDer typically will believe the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. And a week later when she is claiming the exact opposite, she likely will believe that nonsense too.

 

I was treading on egg shells to avoid causing upset.

Walking on eggshells is what the abused partners do a lot of when they are dating a BPDer. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners) is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

This left me very low and I have since gone in anti depressants and counseling.

If you really were dating a BPDer for a year, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling low and depressed. Many of the abused partners of BPDers get so utterly confused that they feel like they may be going crazy.

 

Indeed, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

...maybe it will give an insight in to why I'm struggling with everyday stuff now.

I suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you -- and I would encourage you to discuss them with the counselor you're seeing.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid returning to this toxic relationship or, if you do decide to leave her, avoid running right into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care,

[rodders]

Hi Downtown,

 

Wow, thank you for such a lovely reply and breaking it down so well. It is so interesting as some of the things you said have really struck home and are so accurate to which I was feeling, and still am.For the record we did split in early November

 

It is really interesting to hear that you think I have. I find it hard to say I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, not because of any stigma, but because I think other people will have it far far worse and therefore I am being over the top. But perhaps I was. I will explain a few other occasion if you don't mind

 

I will also try and respond point by point and hopefully highlight your quotes correct. Sorry, new to this ;

 

You are describing the type of abusive behavior that arises from a great abandonment fear. If your exGF has a serious fear of abandonment, she likely is so immature that she has a very weak sense of "object constancy." That is, she lacks the ability to trust that a person is essentially unchanged from day to day in his feelings for her.

 

She did mention that her mother said she wasn't loved when she was younger and she also was in a relationship where the guy was a bit of a dick. I always tried to explain that the previous relationship wasn't 'normal' and that ours was, i.e loving, caring, considerate etc. I guess this fits in with the role of 'The rescuer' you mention.

 

BPDer would have stopped perceiving you as "The Rescuer" and started seeing you as "The Perpetrator" -- i.e., the source of her every misfortune. By blaming you for every problem, a BPDer is able to keep validating her false self image.

 

Early in the relationship we got to the 'love' question. I am probably a little too honest and I said I wasn't quite in love yet, but.....(My next words were going to be 'I know I definitely AM falling for you and I'm really happy and excited where this is going)...Instead she burst in to tears and then I was on the defensive and this caused days of upset until eventually I was given the ultimatum of 'YOU either love me or you don't so its either we're together or not'. When I honestly answered I wasn't 'there' just yet she sort of said well if it's not love then it's nothing at all, but she made me have to end it (temporarily) because it was;t 'LOVE' yet, despite me being happy and being really excited about the future. I think back now and perhaps think this validated her insecurities and further down the line in our relationship any other insecurities would be my fault because of this earlier episode. Have I explained that clear? So again, the fault was on me and I had to explain myself, which went unheard.

 

 

These three lines also really shouted out and struck a chord with me

 

If you really were dating a BPDer for a year, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling low and depressed. Many of the abused partners of BPDers get so utterly confused that they feel like they may be going crazy.

 

BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds.

 

if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I genuinely did feel like I was losing my mind, I genuinely couldn't think straight or make simple decisions. I was suffering with delayed bereavement at the time and thought my depression was from that, but now I am thinking (since I am out of this situation) that it was her that caused the depression.

 

Back to the confusion, I vividly remember saying how I loved her and wanted her (when we were on the death rattle of the relationship) but couldn't pinpoint my concerns, because I could not think straight at all. I tried to find out what is wrong with me. She wanted to MAYBE move to London and I said I didn't (I had just bought a house and we had never discussed this before) She said that.."if I loved her, I would move there for her, isn't that what love is??" This left me wondering and still do now, 'why don't I want to go there, have I no sense of adventure etc etc, what is wrong with me' Funnily enough when I once realised the absurdity of it and reversed the question saying 'What if I said that if YOU loved ME, then you wouldn't feel the need to go to London' (which was hypothetical) She said 'Oh the truth comes out now, F YOU F YOU, F YOU!!!' Again deflecting the blame on me.

 

Essentially I think I am writing all this in the first place because I still love her, but I think it is the notion of the person I met. But also it has left me feeling angry as I am on tablets now, which are having a side effect on me, I'm really struggling with my happiness and am very down and upset a lot of the time. I feel like I have had everything dumped on me and then she has swanned off and left me to pick up the mess alone, which after the support I gave I think is really unfair.

 

Even after the relationship, she called me before my bday and told me she loved me, then the day after my bday she said not to get in contact again (???), then she blocked me from Facebook, but then unblocked me when an old 'memory' came up (so I would see it). I thought that was unfair so I blocked her and untagged myself in photos to which I got an email accusing me of not valuing the relationship because I untagged myself and 'whatever makes me feel happy'. Again everything was on me and I have found this hard to deal with and move on. It seems quite obvious when I write it down

 

I feel like I am completely ranting, I'm sorry. Just your email really did strike a chord with me. I really appreciate your time answering me. Maybe I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as I have never struggled like this to get over a relationship before, never has it effected me so bad and overspilled in to other things

 

Thank you so much for your time Downtown

[Downtown]

Maybe I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as I have never struggled like this to get over a relationship before.

Rodders, emotional abuse is easy to see when it is a deliberate act to harm you. When it is unintentional, however, this abuse can persist for years without you being aware that you are being abused. I mention this because, if your exGF is a BPDer, nearly all of the abuse likely was unintentional. She was not doing it to deliberately harm you but, rather, in reaction to her two fears of abandonment and engulfment.

 

The human condition is that, whenever we experience intense feelings (e.g., love, distrust, hatred, anger), our perceptions of other peoples' intentions become distorted. This distortion occurs so many hundreds of times in your childhood that, by the time you enter high school, you already know that your judgment flies out the window whenever you experience intense feelings. That's why you try to keep your mouth shut (until you have time to cool off) whenever you are very angry -- and try to wait two years before buying the ring whenever you are very infatuated.

 

Well, BPDers are like this too. Only, with them, this distorted perception of your intentions occurs far more frequently and more intensely. The reason is that a BPDer is so emotionally immature she is unable to regulate her own emotions. She is unable, for example, to do self soothing to calm herself down. Hence, like young children, BPDers will have hissy fits and temper tantrums and sulking -- behaviors that are very abusive to you but which usually are not done with the intention of harming you.

 

She did mention that her mother said she wasn't loved when she was younger and she also was in a relationship where the guy was a bit of a dick. I always tried to explain that the previous relationship wasn't 'normal' and that ours was.

If she is a BPDer, her problem did not start with the guy who was "a bit of a dick." Rather, it likely started before the age of five, causing her emotional development to freeze at that young age. If she had an emotionally unavailable parent or some other trauma in early childhood, for example, it could have stopped her emotional development. I therefore would be far more concerned about her mother's comment that "She wasn't loved when she was younger."

 

When I honestly answered I wasn't 'there' just yet she sort of said well if it's not love then it's nothing at all, but she made me have to end it (temporarily) because it was;t 'LOVE' yet, despite me being happy and being really excited about the future.

This sounds like "black-white thinking," a behavior that BPDers do frequently. Like young children, BPDers are too immature to handle strong conflicting feelings, mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. They therefore "split off" that conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of the conscious mind. This splitting can occur in ten seconds and be triggered by some minor thing you say or do. It occurs because a BPDer is so emotionally immature that -- like a young child -- she is unable to tolerate experiencing strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) simultaneously.

 

You will see this same behavior in a very young child who loves Daddy when he brings out the toys but who will instantly flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Because BPDers are like this, they typically will categorize everyone close to them as "all good" (white) or "all bad" (black) so as to avoid dealing with ambiguities, uncertainties, conflicting feelings, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

Moreover, a week or a month later, a BPDer may recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in less than a minute -- based solely on a minor remark or action (real or imagined). Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer, it is not surprising that she perceived your being partially in love (i.e., not fully in love) as "nothing at all." To her, you are either "in love" or "not in love" -- i.e., "with her" or "against her" and "all good" or "all bad."

 

She said that.."if I loved her, I would move there for her, isn't that what love is?"

Like I noted earlier, passing a $h!t test successfully means only that the hoop will be raised higher the next time she insists you jump through.

 

Even after the relationship, she called me before my bday and told me she loved me, then the day after my bday she said not to get in contact again (???), then she blocked me from Facebook, but then unblocked me when an old 'memory' came up (so I would see it).

Like a young child, a BPDer does black-white thinking. This means she will flip back and forth between adoring you and devaluing you. This is why BPDer relationships are notorious for having many complete breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending for good.

 

I will also try and respond point by point and hopefully highlight your quotes correct.

Rodders, please keep in mind that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for a year -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

If you would like to discuss this further, it would be helpful if you would read the two links I provided in my first post and tell us which of the 18 BPD warning signs were very strong.

[Ronni_W]

rodders,

In a different mindset, the dynamics, patterns and ways of interacting that you have described are also very much in keeping with the situations where the people involved still have psychological blocks of their own and need to be healed: low self-esteem, poor image of self, fear of other people's reactions and responses, fear of standing up and speaking out for one's own needs, feelings, opinions, etc., fear of being open, honest and direct about all one's own 'stuff' (preferences, activities, friends, dislikes, etc.), jealousy, insecurity, out-of-control emotional impulses.

 

As you can see, if we are willing to take a look and be perfectly honest, then we will have to admit that we, personally, also suffer and act out from one or more of

those matrices -- we ALL have healing work yet to do before we can truly claim to be 'healed and whole'.

 

After a break-up -- or at any other time of our own choosing -- it is always going to be more constructive to be introspective and to use what we then learn about

our own Self to come up higher in our own psychology.

 

Best of luck in your healing journey,

Ronni

[rodders]

Hey Ronni_W. Thank you for your response. I just wanted to ask if you were referring to my feelings / reactions / emotions. I guess I have been quite introspective and I have taken a lot of responsibility, but also over time I have realised that actually, this wasn't a 'normal' situation. I have realised that a lot of responsibility was put on me, which I shouldn't have taken on, but since I did it has impacted me greatly and hence I am struggling. This is what really upsets and angers me. I know I am not 100% perfect in this and admitted that during the break up, but also the scenarios I detailed were not really reasonable reactions from my exGF but I took the responsibility for them and now I am trying to rid myself of that (by realising the situation I was in) but am finding it VERY difficult and therefore where I am. IM waffling and repeating myself though now

 

Downtown, I have looked at that article and I think about 11-12 of those signs were prominent in the relationship. A very interesting read so thank you for pointing me in this direction. I have also downloaded the walking own egg shells book and have started working through that. Also, I agree in the fact that 99% of the time (When it was actually happening in real time) that I know that my exGF was NOT doing this on purpose. So I agree that only now am I realising that it was happening, hence me asking the question that is the tile of this thread. I have tried to explain how she has put so much stuff on me but she refuses to accept, which reading your article, seems to another reflection of the BPD behaviour. It is SO insightful and I really appreciate the detail you have supplied. Hope you're all having a good weekend

[elaine567]

Also I got to the point of not telling if I had been out with a female friend for a coffee (I have never ever cheated in my life). I would get nervous and edgy if I had an innocent text off a girl.

 

I am sure there were more incidents than this, but many many women will not put up with bfs having "coffee" with female "friends" or getting "innocent" texts from other women and they will go off the deep end too over such "events".

Maybe you need to reassess your boundaries before you get involved with any other woman.

I can just hear the chorus of abuse levelled at any woman in a LTR here who dared meet other men for "coffee" and then hid it from their bf...

 

Jealousy is a very powerful emotion, it can turn even the sanest individual into a crazed harpy...

 

Best not to go down the "my ex was mad" route, it does you very little good analysing every little detail, was she schizophrenic?, BPD?, HPD?, was she a narcissist?, did she have bipolar?... etc, etc you can go through any book of psychiatric illnesses and no doubt pick one and tick off the symptoms as being something SHE exhibited... when the person you really need to be analysing is YOU.

Why did you put up with it for so long? What is wrong with you that you didn't tell her to take a hike as soon as she made you feel bad?

YOU may never ever have to see or interact with her again, so what does it matter what "illness" she has, if any?

But you have to live with YOU, and YOU need to make sure you know why you put up with such a toxic relationship for so long, and make sure you stay well clear of such people again.

[Hopeful714]

Great post Elaine.

 

I for one would not be comfortable with a boyfriend who did lunches and received texts from other women and then tried to hide it. In fact something very similar was done to myself with the excuse of "I know how women are and knew you'd think the worst" when in fact, I was never even given the chance to trust.

 

I should also add when my emotionally abusive relationship ended (and yes, it was abusive) I wasted entirely too much time analyzing and ruminating about the RS, and on what "his" problem was. I most likely would have healed quicker had I focused on my own issues of what made me accept the abuse and stay so long.

 

My last item to add is that I felt VERY crazy (and probably was) when my RS ended and it affected my life in every possible way. A period of deep depression followed that I too, needed a med to help get back to normal. To some degree that feeling I experienced is still very, very disturbing to me 4 years after the fact. OP please let the focus at this critical time be on yourself and getting well as opposed to spending too much time trying to figure someone else out. It's good and interesting stuff to know, just don't get lost in studying someone else's psyche.

[rodders]

Hi Elaine and Hopeful

 

Thanks for your responses. Firstly can I explain that this thread was a question and I'm not labelling the exGF with anything. It was a question I was asking because so many people were labelling the scenario as 'abusive' that I wanted to pose the question to others, simply because I felt that was a bold statement.

 

I agree with people who sneak behind others backs and hide things and wOuld question it myself as to why. But I also strongly think that you can have a coffee with a friend of the opposite sex, we had a relationship where we both did that and I thought it was very healthy. The occasion was to highlight how I felt the relationship got to a point to where I couldn't meet up with someone (she knew of any other time, male or female, so this wasn't a series of events) and so on this last time I didn't mention it through fear of causing an argument. Through Her reactions on other things that had developed around this time (e.g arguing and defending myself about a girl (who I didn't know), but who had liked an Instagram post) made me nervous and that I couldn't tell her about meeting s mate and so didn't to avoid confrontation. But then my point about this relationship is that after that occasion I stopped seeing any female company. And the texts were when I was with my GF but then having to explain why someone was texting me. So I understand about looking at myself in this, I totally agree, which I have done throughout entirely and do this heavily with my counsellor. But I am realising that maybe there is some accountability that I shouldnt take, and hence the question that is this thread.

 

Hopeful, thank you and yes I am trying to focus on the reasons why I put up with it for so long. I think why I am asking this questions is because my psychologiSt has actually posed the question to me about being kinder to myself and seeing if some of the responsibility can be shared or I don't put it all on myself. I understand it's a journey and will get better but it was just a realisation that it might not all be me that I'm asking these questions. But yes I should readjust and focus on me again, and I'm not labelling my ex, Just posing questions.

 

I guess, from your description of how you felt immediately after, that you have come out the other end. Would be interesting to hear that journey and how you turned things around

[Ronni_W]

Hey Ronni_W. Thank you for your response. I just wanted to ask if you were referring to my feelings / reactions / emotions. I guess I have been quite introspective and I have taken a lot of responsibility, but also over time I have realised that actually, this wasn't a 'normal' situation.

rodders, no; I was referring to the feelings, reactions, emotions of both of you - hers, and yours, also. The point is that, if we go ahead and label hers as 'emotionally abusive', then we have to do the same, for yours. Now; I am NOT saying that yours are indicative of a truly 'emotionally abusive' person -- only that the responsibility for all of the dynamics in the relationship lies 50/50 (or 100/100, if you prefer) with each person, individually.

 

So, I would not be taking on a greater share of the burden of responsibility for the dynamics in the relationship or for the demise of the relationship; but, neither would I be trying to relieve myself of my proper share of burden of responsibility by trying to label my partner's/ex-partner's feelings, reactions, emotions.

 

In Love and Light.

[Hopeful714]

Ha! Yea I came out the other end all right..all chewed up and in chunks! Lol.

 

No, seriously it was real rough. In a nutshell, I was cheated on, and gaslighted to the point where my self esteem was gone. I couldn't understand how this could happen since in the beginning he was so perfect and charming.

 

Problem was, I was naive. There were red flags that I ignored and I didn't realize that some people had big psychological issues and are toxic. I didn't trust my gut which was screaming RUN from early on. For some reason I thought it was me with the problem and took everything he did and said personally when in reality he did the things he did because it's just the type of guy he was. He had done these things in the past. He had issues. Even told me so. He was repeating history and it had nothing to do with me. But I thought it did.

 

Finding myself alone and hurting when he joyfully moved on without a tear or apology and not missing a beat was the knife through my heart. As I said I had no esteem, couldn't figure it out, and fell into a depression of the likes I had never experienced before. I went to counseling but it didn't help much. I needed a med to kick start my head into seeing things clearly again. Slowly but surely it worked and I got out of the fog so to speak.

 

I read many books on psychology and I analyzed him and myself. Shout out here to Downtown as I found his posts so helpful and learned from him that no, I'm not crazy but I possess traits of personality issues myself (as we all do)...on a spectrum as he described. I am now able to recognize those traits and work on them so that they don't cause me issues with other relationships in my life.

 

The big healer however is time. You will get over this but you will never forget it. The important thing though is to take your time to heal and get mentally well so that you can engage with others in a positive, healthy fashion bringing your best. Keep learning so that in the future you will be able to spot cautionary behavior a mile away and know better how to respond to get the best outcome. If anything let this be a learning experience.

[rodders]

Hey hopeful

 

Thanks again for the reply. Paras 2-4 sum up where I'm at in a nutshell. I'm glad you got a better understanding on the situation and it helped you in the long run. And yes definitely hats off to downtown on here who gives a great insight in to people and I do too have things that I can do better. Absolutely understand that and that's what I need to focus on now. Otherwise just thinking about someone else's actions and thoughts, which you can't change, just is a waste of time and energy. Thanks for your feedback and time to reply

[Rouik]

It does not sound like it was a healthy relationship, don't feel bad for seeking some help and reassurance you were definitely being treated unfairly. I hope you can find some close people to talk with, I am praying for your new relationship it can be difficult but try not to drag faults from your last relationship with you. Best of luck and stay positive in the new relationship.

[mea_M]

Yup. And emotional abuse is sometimes harder to heal from then physical abuse. It leaves life long scars that no one can see. My advice, get out. Know it's not your fault and don't accept this behavior. Been there.

 

Mea

[truthtripper]

She is a terribly insecure person, who projected her insecurities onto you. From your description she sounds narcissistic and you were her enabler, feeding her dysfunctional behaviour.

 

Be aware that completely focusing on her, detracts you from taking a good hard look at yourself. Why were you attracted to her? Why did you miss the red flags?

It takes more than one person to have a dysfunctional relationship.

 

You mention feeling insecure in your new relationship. You will not attract or be attracted to abuse, if you value yourself, if you feel worthy of being treated respectfully.