New relationship + busy schedule, even bother with Valentine's Day?

[hercules22]

we see each other 1-2x a week. In all my relationships i've seen the guy on average about 2x week (once during week day and once during week end).

 

He has a hectic study schedule and I have some work trips coming up/ specific evening commitments/things that I just like doing which is why it's 1-2x/ week.

 

Since he isn't a big texter, how do I approach the topic without sounding too whiney? and also let him "come to me?"

 

In the meantime, I think I'll just let him come to me. I can't imagine a guy getting so pissed a girl hasn't text that he just never texts her/asks to hang out again...

 

Seems to me if a guy notices a girl he likes is a bit MIA, he will reach out to her and make plans to see her so he doesn't loose that connection.

 

what about phone calls? i like it when a girl calls me if we are seeing each other dont mind a phone call here and there can talk anywhere between 10 to 20 mins

[coolheadal]

To much on text, can always talk on the cell phone too. But I know where you coming from you would like to hear "hows your day going" Good morning etc. Most are not into chit chat when it comes to text. I prefer talking on the cell than to SMS text. That's me. But it's not a red flag. He might be overwhelm with school right now. Just have to give him a bit more space.

[AdentureWithMe]

To much on text, can always talk on the cell phone too. But I know where you coming from you would like to hear "hows your day going" Good morning etc. Most are not into chit chat when it comes to text. I prefer talking on the cell than to SMS text. That's me. But it's not a red flag. He might be overwhelm with school right now. Just have to give him a bit more space.

 

 

 

I called once, left a message and he answered with a text lol.... proceed to ask how my day was, what I'm up to in a few days and asked me to hang out. Again all via text after my call.

 

I don't like endless chit chat via text with a guy ( will only do this with close female friends). I was also a grad student many moons ago so I do understand the crazy busy studying and schedule.

 

However instead of silence between dates I would prefer some brief form of communication like phone calls. How to I bring this up with him? Something like "what do you think of phone calls every now in then? I think it may be a good way to keep in contact on the days we don't see eachother. I think it's easier and more valuable than a bunch of texts back and forth, what do you think?"

[kendahke]

I don't text except for confirming plans or relaying information, not as a means to gauge interest. Too much can be misinterpreted by the lack of tone.

 

I'd rather call them and listen to them or see them in person. If that is ok, then I don't sweat the texting.

 

If you need him to touch base with you, then you have to own your voice and speak up for what you need. He will either rise to the occasion and do it or he will ignore your request and not do it. Right now, he's unaware of what you want and you're creating these "read my mind" tests that he will fail because he doesn't know what you need if you don't tell him.

[Redhead14]

ok, makes sense. As long as in person time is solid to me, I don't really need a lot of texts. This definitely wasn't true about me a few years ago or even a few months ago...

 

Looking back and seeing all the texting I've done in certain relationships, it definitely gave me a ( perhaps false) sense of reassurance made me over look the real in person red flags.

 

 

Keep your eye on the "bigger" picture. If he's making you feel good/comfortable, good/quality conversation, etc. when you're in person, texting will seem not so significant. I don't place much importance on it especially in terms of developing a relationship. Does he call you in between dates at all?

 

There wouldn't be anything wrong with opening a casual conversation when you see him next -- "I'm not much into texting, but I do like it once in a while. How do you feel about texting"?

[smackie9]

IMO this early in the game you shouldn't have to tell them how they should date you.

 

He should WANT to text you, not be asked to.

 

No different if he requested that you only wear short skirts when you go on dates, because that's what he expects in a relationship.

[SevenCity]

IMO this early in the game you shouldn't have to tell them how they should date you.

 

He should WANT to text you, not be asked to.

 

No different if he requested that you only wear short skirts when you go on dates, because that's what he expects in a relationship.

 

 

So wait, he is expected to know her expectations but he has to tell her his????

 

This obsession with texting is nuts. What did you all do before texting was so common? Not date????

 

Also, telling someone that the person they are dating is not compatible despite them having a good time in person is bad advice. Are relationships built on the phone or in person?

 

Moreover, texting / calling early on in a relationship is a good way to ruin it. You might take something he says the wrong way as you cannot see his body language or facial expressions.

 

The last girl I dated was upset because I didn't communicate much between dates - oh well. I would rather build a relationship in person than over the phone. It gives you stuff to talk about when you see the person.

 

I used to talk to my last serious gf all the time and there was nothing to talk about when we got together as we had already shared everything on the phone - won't make that mistake again.

[Gaeta]

I think you teach by example. If you like the occasional text and the random phone call then why not initiate it yourself? You've been dating one month so I hope you don't keep track of who contacts who first, that is silly.

 

My BF was never a texter and he called for a few minutes instead. Last time he text me was July 2016 lol. Anyway I don't miss the texting at all. When we are together it's so fulfilling it's good enough to take me to next time.

[AdentureWithMe]

Thanks for the advice guys, but I think this one is dead in the water.

 

I texted in the afternoon:

 

ME: hey! How'd the exam go?

Him: About to take it! T minus 28 minutes

Me: ooo soon, good luck!

 

^ thought it was odd I didn't even get a "thanks!" -- seems like a normal reply. He hardly ever thanks via text but perhaps I'm over analyzing

 

a few hours later...

 

HIM: Finished the exam, it went well. Now to prepare for the Monday exam. Hurray.

 

Him: How was your day going?

 

Me: went well, got out of a tough but fun ____ class

 

*end scene*

 

^ TO ME, this is a bit of a fluff off saying "don't expect to hear from me this weekend or hang out since I'm studying.... but I felt bad not responding and want to keep the door open.

 

I'm definitely not asking him to hang out. Will wait for him to suggest something, but not holding my breath on this one....

[Dis]

Thanks for the advice guys, but I think this one is dead in the water.

 

I texted in the afternoon:

 

ME: hey! How'd the exam go?

Him: About to take it! T minus 28 minutes

Me: ooo soon, good luck!

 

^ thought it was odd I didn't even get a "thanks!" -- seems like a normal reply. He hardly ever thanks via text but perhaps I'm over analyzing

 

a few hours later...

 

HIM: Finished the exam, it went well. Now to prepare for the Monday exam. Hurray.

 

Him: How was your day going?

 

Me: went well, got out of a tough but fun ____ class

 

*end scene*

 

^ TO ME, this is a bit of a fluff off saying "don't expect to hear from me this weekend or hang out since I'm studying.... but I felt bad not responding and want to keep the door open.

 

I'm definitely not asking him to hang out. Will wait for him to suggest something, but not holding my breath on this one....

 

Ya if you're not feeling it this early on...its best to move on

 

I wouldnt be happy with his weak text game either....tbh it doesnt sound like hes too interested. An interested guy would be pursuing you, impressing you etc no matter how busy he was...this guy is lame

 

Next!

[AdentureWithMe]

Is there anything to do to let him know he's lame and needs to learn manners such as "thank you"?

 

or just never text him again?

[Dis]

Is there anything to do to let him know he's lame and needs to learn manners such as "thank you"?

 

or just never text him again?

 

Some people would recommend you give him some feedback but I personally think it would fall on deaf ears...I just dont see the point...he is who he is

 

Just cut the cord

[smackie9]

I think by ditching this all together will give him a pretty good idea as to why. Save the lecture.

[GoldSparkz]

In my experience of dating at the ripe age of 34, I've learned that you should always find someone who is happy to communicate as much or as little as you. If you don't feel comfortable with his level of contact, then perhaps mention it to him in a casual way given that you both a still dating. See how he reacts. But once again, in my experience a guy's actions at the beginning of a relationship usually dictate his behaviour in future, so even after discussing with him, he may temporarily increase contact but eventually he'll revert back to what he is comfortable with. So you will have to decide if that is acceptable for you given his other actions in the relationship.

[AdentureWithMe]

Posted about this guy before...

 

 

Basically met him on a dating app and have been dating a little over a month. He's a busy full time grad student with lots of exams for his advanced degree. Super hard stuff and always studying. He apologizes for "being boring" says he and the other students "have no life" etc. So I get, understand, and believe he's truly busy with school. I completed a grad degree (although not as intense, but sill tough) a few years ago, so I understand the struggle.

 

 

He's usually the one to initiate dates. However I've initated and paid for some as well. What has been lacking for me is the communication between dates (hardly any texts/ no phone calls). This is confusing for me as, I feel there needs to be some "momentum" between dates instead of general silence. This also lead me to believe he isn't THAT serious about a relationship. However he has told me mult times he likes me and warns me far in advance of his exams and how he will be studying the whole weekend etc. So basically he warns me about his "off the grid" status. Being off the grid would be more concerning to me if it was general "ahh work, oh this/that came up" (random things). But I know it's all studying for his program.

 

 

Last night I texted and directly asked "Hey... Haven't heard from you in awhile, are you looking for a relationship or something casual?"

 

 

After I sent it I either figured he would A) not respond and that would be my answer or B) say something along the lines of I'm super busy, I'd prefer something casual for now. I thought this because some variation of option B has been the TYPICAL guy response I've experienced after a month or so of dating.

 

 

His response was slightly different "Hey, sorry for being so mia. Been caught up studying for my exam tomorrow. I know I'm constantly saying that, but it's my life. We should meet this week and talk about what we're looking for. In brief, I don't exactly have a plan. I like you and am willing to have an open discussion about it"

 

 

I was glad that he was mature enough to want to talk about this in person. We set a day for this coming week to talk. I plan on telling him I'm looking for a relationship but also understand he's very busy with school and that's a priority for him. I'm fairly independent in relationships as long as good communication and quality time together are had. I've never been someone that needs to see a bf every day. Ideally 2x a week is good for me. I'll let him know I understand if in person time waxes or wanes, but if it wanes what I really would like is communication on our days we don't see each other. Texting is OK, but I know dragged out text convos can be annoying. Preferably I'd like brief phone calls to catch up on those days. I like him too and when he's not studying he's actually a really fun person. We laugh a lot and seem to get on really well. I'm willing to explore this more if he is.

 

 

I guess my question is.... from his text response does it seem like he's open to a relationship? I feel like he could have very easily said "yeah, im super busy with studying.. best to keep it causal" or something like that. Much easier to say that and "hide" behind text then asking to discuss in person. Has anyone every had a situation like this?

 

 

I know the bottom line is we will just have to meet, talk , and for me to stick to my relationship guns and not settle. At the same time, I'm still talking to guys and keeping my options open/not putting all my eggs in his basket, although he is my favorite.

[preraph]

I really don't see what you find so puzzling here. He said he doesn't have time for texting. Texting in between dates is a waste of time and busy people with jobs and busy school schedules don't need to be wasting their time just so you can feel connected. If you text or call in between dates telling everything you're doing, what on earth do you have to talk about on a date that isn't repetitive and boring?

 

He sounds nice and like he's willing to have a relationship, but that is not going to mean he is going to do it through his smartphone and you're silly for expecting him to. Busy productive people can't chitchat all day.