New relationship + busy schedule, even bother with Valentine's Day?

[AdentureWithMe]

I've been seeing a guy for a little over a month now that I met or an app. We are both in our late 20s. Have been on about 8 dates and we have a good mix of who pays. He has initiated and has even said a few things he wants to do with me once it's warm out. He also Says I will be meeting his friends at some point.

 

I have a full time job and he is a full time grad student. We saw eachother twice this week so far. I know he's doing the best he can to see me with his intense study schedule and general grad school duties. We don't text a lot but as I've gotten older I've come to care less about the texts and focus more on the in person time.

 

he has a big exam this Friday and Monday. Valentine's Day is the very next day. Neither of us have mentioned the " holiday"

 

To me, Valentine's Day is a nice / fun holiday that breaks up the winter blues. I don't think of it as making or breaking a relationship.. but it certainly acknowledges one exists

 

 

Should I mention anything about VD to him? I'm sure that's prob the last thing on his mind with his back to back exams. It's not a HUGE deal to me, but I'm not sure if this is a " red flag" if we don't do anything for Valentine's Day?

 

I definitely want to keep seeing him and would prefer that Valentine's Day didn't come up so soon in our relationship. Maybe just ignore the holday and suggest something to do after all his exams and VD?

Edited February 8, 2017 by AdentureWithMe

[d0nnivain]

I think you have to take the bull by the horns on this one. Talk to him about it.

 

 

If it were me, I'd say something like

 

 

Hey, this is pretty new & I wish we were farther along before V-day rolled around because it . . . sorta kinda & I don't want it to but . .awkward. . . but it is February,

so

. . . . I have no expectations

so

don't worry. I also know you have an exam the day before

so

no pressure. We can skip the whole thing if you want but I do like you

so

I'd be up for something low key like grabbing a drink. Whaddya say?

 

The you get him a simple card that says Happy Valentine's Day but not much more, a small thing of candy ( < $5) and you pick up the drinks check.

[AdentureWithMe]

I think you have to take the bull by the horns on this one. Talk to him about it.

 

 

If it were me, I'd say something like

 

 

Hey, this is pretty new & I wish we were farther along before V-day rolled around because it . . . sorta kinda & I don't want it to but . .awkward. . . but it is February,

so

. . . . I have no expectations

so

don't worry. I also know you have an exam the day before

so

no pressure. We can skip the whole thing if you want but I do like you

so

I'd be up for something low key like grabbing a drink. Whaddya say?

 

The you get him a simple card that says Happy Valentine's Day but not much more, a small thing of candy ( < $5) and you pick up the drinks check.

 

 

I was thinking of a card and candy. But wouldn't it be awkward if I got him that / he got me nothing? Thinking it was just drinks...

 

I've also read a lot of articles the guy should imitate to show he's " interested". I'm a bit torn on VD as it's presented a superficial holiday to many. But even so I don't really want to take on the " mans role" of inviting him out. Paying for the dates, and getting him a gift. Where he gets to play the " female role" of accept and getting things for free.

 

I'd also like to be wooed since if VD is to happe it seems more of a " girl holiday"

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I was thinking of a card and candy. But wouldn't it be awkward if I got him that / he got me nothing? Thinking it was just drinks...

 

I've also read a lot of articles the guy should imitate to show he's " interested". I'm a bit torn on VD as it's presented a superficial holiday to many. But even so I don't really want to take on the " mans role" of inviting him out. Paying for the dates, and getting him a gift. Where he gets to play the " female role" of accept and getting things for free.

 

I'd also like to be wooed since if VD is to happe it seems more of a " girl holiday"

 

You give someone a gift from the heart not because you're worried about what they expect or what they might do. Do it, show holiness you care!

[alphamale]

Maybe just ignore the holday and suggest something to do after all his exams and VD?

 

^^^^^^this

[d0nnivain]

I was thinking of a card and candy. But wouldn't it be awkward if I got him that / he got me nothing? Thinking it was just drinks...

 

I've also read a lot of articles the guy should imitate to show he's " interested". I'm a bit torn on VD as it's presented a superficial holiday to many. But even so I don't really want to take on the " mans role" of inviting him out. Paying for the dates, and getting him a gift. Where he gets to play the " female role" of accept and getting things for free.

 

I'd also like to be wooed since if VD is to happe it seems more of a " girl holiday"

 

 

I understand what you are saying. If that is your attitude, then sit on your hands. See if he comes to you. Just don't be mad if he skips it.

[Jj66]

I know people who avoid dating someone new right before Valentine's Day for this very reason.

 

It's awfully early and you're both busy. If talking about it is too hard at this point, here is what I would do.

 

Get a card, nothing too mushy. Maybe even blank and just write "I'm glad we met" on it. A very small box of candy is fine too. Present it to him and don't get upset or read too much into if he didn't reciprocate. There are many valid reasons for not observing that have nothing to do with what his budding feelings for you might be. If you are still together next year then you will each have a better idea about your expectations regarding Valentine's Day and other holidays.

[basil67]

"Hey, do you think we should do anything for Valentines Day?"

[Jj66]

"Hey, do you think we should do anything for Valentines Day?"

 

I'm glad you asked. Personally I think it's just a marketer's paycheck. So I don't make a big deal about it. How about something low key?

[Gaeta]

I don't know if it's cultural but I would never ask my BF if we do something on V day. It's suppose to be a surprise, no?

 

As for your situation OP I would offer him a card and chocolate. Offer it for the joy of giving and don't expect anything in return. If he has some plans for you good, if not than nothing lost you still got joy out of giving him something.

[lana-banana]

I don't know if it's cultural but I would never ask my BF if we do something on V day. It's suppose to be a surprise, no?

 

Men have surprised me with gifts and flowers, but we always at least talk about the event beforehand (since one of us cooks dinner). It's typically "What do you want to do for Valentine's Day?" "Well, I have some ideas for an entree..."

 

OP: send him a dinky box of chocolates and a nice card wishing him well. Don't stress about celebrating, especially not on the actual day. We are having our celebration this weekend because we both work way too much to manage an elegant romantic evening on a Tuesday.

[AdentureWithMe]

I got a card (that's not mushy) and his favorite candy.

 

However I'll need to see him in order for any gift giving to take place... that, I'm leaving up to him. I plan on wishing him well the morning of his exam. However I doubt he will ask to hang out tomorrow night (as it's the evening before his exam- that's understandable). We're also getting a ridiculous blizzard tomorrow so, that may affect quite a few people's valentine's day plans for those celebrating early!

 

He did vaguely mention making some time to see me during the weekend as a "study break." I'm not stressing TOO much as the relationship is so new, plus I'd prefer he initiate a (simple/low key) Valentine's.

 

If I don't hear any plans from him, I think I'll just text Monday asking if he's free later in the week to do xyz/not VD related. Then if we're still dating next year, I'll discuss VD/ it will be easier

[dumbass2]

Yep, keep the card and candy handy and don't mention Valentines day. Guys know it's a holiday that means more to most women than men. Don't expect him to bring it up then you'll be very happy if he does.

[AdentureWithMe]

I recently posted about a new relationship/busy grad student/ Valentine's plans-- thanks guys I think I have that one resolved.

 

What are some good date ideas that I can suggest? He usually suggests the "event" and then I pick the actual place since I'm much more familiar with the area.

 

What are some fun/cheap date ideas?

 

So far we've done: various meals, drinks, ice skating, his place & mine for dinner and a movie, and a sports game. It's ridiculously cold where we live so putting prolonged outdoor things on hold for now.

 

I've thought of going to the movie theater, but I'm still personally in the phase where if i'm spending time with him I'd rather interact than sit in silence.

Edited February 9, 2017 by AdentureWithMe

[d0nnivain]

Cheap dates:

 

 

1. Movies

 

 

2. community theater plays

 

 

3. coffee

 

 

4. ice cream

 

 

5. arcade -- play games -- some place live Dave & Busters

 

 

6. visit a museum

 

 

7. sleigh riding

 

 

8. take a class -- dancing, cooking etc.

 

 

9. walk / hike in the woods (dress appropriately)

 

 

10. shop, or at least window shop / walk around the mall

[courtneykay]

Personally, on Valentine's Day, I almost always prefer a romantic home-cooked meal over going out, just because the crowds are crazy, and waits are long if you don't book a place well in advanced..plus it gets so pricy if you're trying to save money!

 

So maybe dinner at your place, but amp up the romance a little bit? More candles and wine or champagne? I once did a "fondu" night, trying to copy cat The Melting Pot, and that was a lot of fun and yummy!

 

It's hard to make suggestions without knowing what the area you live in is like, what the scene is, art/culture, etc. Where I live there is quite frequently plays/musicals/ballets, art shows, wine tasting events, things like that that are something different but don't put a huge dent in your wallet.

[preraph]

I recently posted about a new relationship/busy grad student/ Valentine's plans-- thanks guys I think I have that one resolved.

 

What are some good date ideas that I can suggest? He usually suggests the "event" and then I pick the actual place since I'm much more familiar with the area.

 

What are some fun/cheap date ideas?

 

So far we've done: various meals, drinks, ice skating, his place & mine for dinner and a movie, and a sports game. It's ridiculously cold where we live so putting prolonged outdoor things on hold for now.

 

I've thought of going to the movie theater, but I'm still personally in the phase where if i'm spending time with him I'd rather interact than sit in silence.

 

Museums (get a cheap student pass - it may be free), art showings and galleries, street fairs, bowling, any other indoor sport.

[AdentureWithMe]

I've been dating a guy for a little over a month. So far our in person time is going well. He's a busy grad student but makes time for me and alludes to future things to do together.

 

However we hardly text. If we do, it's to make plans or keep each other updated regarding plans. Occasionally he will send me a "how's your day?" text and we will chat briefly.

 

Even before we met in person he wasn't a big texter. So there hasn't been a "change in texts" it's always been minimal.

 

That being said I don't like to text for hours with a guy. I've made that mistake in the past, thinking the relationship was "more secure" just because we text for hours, but I've learned that's not the case.

 

In past relationships I put a LOT of value on text and used them for reassurance that the guy is thinking about me/cares.

 

I've never dated a guy who texted so little. Is it a "red flag" we aren't in touch every day?

 

I plan on reaching out tomorrow bc I have something relevant to the day to say.

 

It would be nice to hear from him today, maybe comment on the blizzard, but I'd rather him come to me... Don't know if I'm just being stubborn?

 

I'm also snowed in today without much to do. so apologizes for what may seem like a meaningless post.

[smackie9]

No it's not a red flag really, but it is a compatibility issue. He isn't into texting, nor does he have time. He is more focused on his life. If you need reassurance through texting, then you need to find a different guy.

[AdentureWithMe]

No it's not a red flag really, but it is a compatibility issue. He isn't into texting, nor does he have time. He is more focused on his life. If you need reassurance through texting, then you need to find a different guy.

 

ok, makes sense. As long as in person time is solid to me, I don't really need a lot of texts. This definitely wasn't true about me a few years ago or even a few months ago...

 

Looking back and seeing all the texting I've done in certain relationships, it definitely gave me a ( perhaps false) sense of reassurance made me over look the real in person red flags.

[AdentureWithMe]

As it's still new, I would like to continue to set the tone of letting the guy "court" through text and in person.

 

Last time we texted was the day that we saw each other (2 days ago) to confirm plans. We didn't text today/ nothing to say and I'm not worried.

 

Where I'm having trouble is in these "dead spots" of no text, do I let him be the one to break the silence, hence "courting" or should I if I DO have something I'd like to say?

 

For example I know he has a big exam tomorrow... He told me a lot about it and showed me his materials. Should I wish him good luck before the exam? I think it would be a nice thing to do... but not for every exam obv. bc he has so many haha.

 

Or just continue to sit back and let him come to me?

[Dis]

Hi Adventure!

 

I've been in your shoes before, didnt like it one bit

 

A lot of guys arent big into texting just like a lot arent big into talking on the phone...so no its not a red flag...but if more communication is important to you then you might need to find someone else

 

I really like being in touch with the person I'm dating every day...even if its just a few quick texts....but thats just me

 

Keep in mind, this isnt likely to change so if this is going to worry you or cause you to doubt things..... then you might need to cut your losses

 

Communication styles are pretty important

[hippychick3]

How often do you see him? If it's several times a week including weekends, I could let the lack of texting slide. However, if it's 1-2x a week I would expect more communication in between dates. I'd want the man I'm dating to think about me and care what I'm doing each day as well as share what he is doing. I can't imagine dating someone who couldn't care less how my day was each day.

 

Frequency of texting is definitely an individual preference and a compatibility issue when one wants more communication than the other. There is nothing wrong with wanting more. You two just may not be compatible in this area.

[Dis]

As it's still new, I would like to continue to set the tone of letting the guy "court" through text and in person.

 

Last time we texted was the day that we saw each other (2 days ago) to confirm plans. We didn't text today/ nothing to say and I'm not worried.

 

Where I'm having trouble is in these "dead spots" of no text, do I let him be the one to break the silence, hence "courting" or should I if I DO have something I'd like to say?

 

For example I know he has a big exam tomorrow... He told me a lot about it and showed me his materials. Should I wish him good luck before the exam? I think it would be a nice thing to do... but not for every exam obv. bc he has so many haha.

 

Or just continue to sit back and let him come to me?

 

I like my dates to come to me in the beginning...old fashioned but I wouldnt be reaching out first

 

He should be, like you said, courting you...showing interest, communicating etc

[AdentureWithMe]

we see each other 1-2x a week. In all my relationships i've seen the guy on average about 2x week (once during week day and once during week end).

 

He has a hectic study schedule and I have some work trips coming up/ specific evening commitments/things that I just like doing which is why it's 1-2x/ week.

 

Since he isn't a big texter, how do I approach the topic without sounding too whiney? and also let him "come to me?"

 

In the meantime, I think I'll just let him come to me. I can't imagine a guy getting so pissed a girl hasn't text that he just never texts her/asks to hang out again...

 

Seems to me if a guy notices a girl he likes is a bit MIA, he will reach out to her and make plans to see her so he doesn't loose that connection.

Edited February 10, 2017 by AdentureWithMe