He is almost always late [UPDATE: I am insecure, "addicted" to him]

[CaliforniaGirl]

Someone mentioned "love bombing" and I did some research on that since I hadn't heard of it before. It's really sadistic if that's what he was doing. I had some amazing dates with him, it felt almost like a romantic movie or something and I thought he was sincere. What the hell is wrong with someone to do something like that? I really hope this isn't what happened but now I keep thinking it is.

 

I sent him an honest message last night after having a few drinks (I probably shouldn't have). And I was basically pouring out my feelings (just saying i like and care about him and stuff) and I get a "seen" message on facebook messenger then he replies about an hour and a half later saying "so sorry i am dealing with some stuff tonight talk tomorrow for sure be safe and have fun"

 

"some stuff?" but then he is liking things on facebook and making a couple random facebook posts? He's not being honest is he.. :/

 

Well, IME, guys do this to get laid.

 

It's a well-known "psst, let me share this piece of advice with you" bit where the intel is, apparently if the man can get the woman to "trust" him, she'll sleep with him.

 

That's not what this HAS to be or anything but really, this is old as time.

 

I don't think it means a man is a sadist, just that he wants to get laid and is not really thinking about the woman's feelings. That's careless and stupid but it's not necessarily sadistic.

 

Again, though, I don't know this was what this particular guy was doing. He might just be bad at relationships. I don't know.

[CaliforniaGirl]

 

It was worse the other night because I had planned to introduce him to my friends and we all were waiting for him for about an hour and a half to show. He lives with his family still, and cooks for them, so he said he was doing that. I honestly believe he was doing that, but I just wish he would not make plans to meet up at a certain time and show up late, or cancel at some point.

 

 

I cook for my family every single day, multiple times a day. I'm not late for anything.

[Zahara]

Thank you for this. Yeah it's true. I guess I got caught up in everything (and still kind of am?). The thing is, he admitted even stronger feelings less than a week into knowing me. I guess since he was okay with admitting those, I didn't feel as stupid admitting mine last night. But I still feel stupid :/ I don't know if he will even talk to me today. If he does, I'm not sure how I will respond.

 

I remember your previous threads, Hermit. Maybe you should stay away from dating for awhile -- you mentioned a thread back that you want to work on your self-esteem/insecurities.

 

I think this is an example as to why you should step back. I feel like you're stumbling around blindly.

 

Work on a boundary system - figure out what you will tolerate and what you won't. Identifying red flags and finding the courage to walk away when you see them. Knowing your value without having the validation of a man send you into a tizzy only after 2.5 weeks. The maturity of navigating through the dating process with minimum expectations and not centering yourself in it. Etc. Build a relationship with yourself first.

 

He's fed you some words and shown you unreliable behavior. Unfortunately, you've already placed him on too high a pedestal.

[preraph]

Make a list of boundaries, things you should not accept and pull them out whenever you are dating to remind you that you should have boundaries OR you will attract nothing but bad people.

[hermitcrab]

Well, IME, guys do this to get laid.

 

It's a well-known "psst, let me share this piece of advice with you" bit where the intel is, apparently if the man can get the woman to "trust" him, she'll sleep with him.

 

That's not what this HAS to be or anything but really, this is old as time.

 

I don't think it means a man is a sadist, just that he wants to get laid and is not really thinking about the woman's feelings. That's careless and stupid but it's not necessarily sadistic.

 

Again, though, I don't know this was what this particular guy was doing. He might just be bad at relationships. I don't know.

 

Well he had told me that he wanted a real relationship, and he could see us doing things in the future together (celebrating valentines day, traveling, meeting his parents, etc). I think it's messed up to lie and say those things just to get laid, don't you think?

 

I remember your previous threads, Hermit. Maybe you should stay away from dating for awhile -- you mentioned a thread back that you want to work on your self-esteem/insecurities.

 

I think this is an example as to why you should step back. I feel like you're stumbling around blindly.

 

Work on a boundary system - figure out what you will tolerate and what you won't. Identifying red flags and finding the courage to walk away when you see them. Knowing your value without having the validation of a man send you into a tizzy only after 2.5 weeks. The maturity of navigating through the dating process with minimum expectations and not centering yourself in it. Etc. Build a relationship with yourself first.

 

He's fed you some words and shown you unreliable behavior. Unfortunately, you've already placed him on too high a pedestal.

 

I think you're right. I still need to work on all of this. I can't help but crave affection from a guy though (not sex to be clear, just the sweet stuff).

Edited February 10, 2017 by hermitcrab

[Maggie4]

I really think some men can smell vulnerable women like a shark smells blood and move in for a kill.

"I will never do anything to hurt you" means he has a record of hurting other women before.

"I've never met anyone as nice as you" means he thinks you're too nice and that's not what he wants.

The tardiness could be intentional misbehaving. This guy sounds like a man-boy who wants a mother who will give him a good spanking. Instead, you just waited for him to show. He's not going to change and neither will you. Mismatch.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Well he had told me that he wanted a real relationship, and he could see us doing things in the future together (celebrating valentines day, traveling, meeting his parents, etc). I think it's messed up to lie and say those things just to get laid, don't you think?

 

 

Yes.

 

But you said he's sadistic. I don't think its anything with that much of a point (to hurt you out of enjoyment). You're looking for more than what's here. What's here is, he's playing old time games to get laid.

 

Have you slept with him?

[GoldSparkz]

This guy doesn't value your time and expects you to still be waiting for him when he's late. This is a BIG red flag. Does he even contact you to let you know that he's going to be late? What reasons does he give? Once or twice I could stand if there was a good reason.

 

You see the problem with men is that they treat you the way you allow them to. Therefore, if you allow him to keep disrespecting you by not valuing your time, then he will continue to do it. So the next time he is late, go out with your friends instead and when he asks why be honest with him. He will learn his lesson if you teach him.

[angel.eyes]

Some people are chronically late. That's just how they are. It has nothing to do with you. You can be laid back about it or you can take it as a personal affront.

 

Personally, it doesn't bother me. I account for it in planning with the person and that works well.

 

What raised my eyebrows was the 10 dates in 17 or 18 days! But you live very near each other. Still, no matter how excited you both are, that's a lot! What you're feeling is infatuation, not love. He is too. Just recognize that infatuation is fickle. Focus on building a more solid foundation--that involves getting to know each other over a longer time period in a range of scenarios, which you're doing.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are you? Have you seen his place? Here's why I ask. If he's 20 and living at home, that's one thing. If he's 35 or 40 and living at home, and chronically late to dates because he's cooking and doing various things for his family, that's an entirely different story. Alarm bells go off like gang busters in the latter case. It would be useful to have more details from you.

[hermitcrab]

Yes.

 

But you said he's sadistic. I don't think its anything with that much of a point (to hurt you out of enjoyment). You're looking for more than what's here. What's here is, he's playing old time games to get laid.

 

Have you slept with him?

 

Maybe the wrong word to use? I guess I should have just said mean/insensitive, lol.

 

Yes, I slept with him once and haven't since I realized that was a mistake and happened too soon.

 

This guy doesn't value your time and expects you to still be waiting for him when he's late. This is a BIG red flag. Does he even contact you to let you know that he's going to be late? What reasons does he give? Once or twice I could stand if there was a good reason.

 

You see the problem with men is that they treat you the way you allow them to. Therefore, if you allow him to keep disrespecting you by not valuing your time, then he will continue to do it. So the next time he is late, go out with your friends instead and when he asks why be honest with him. He will learn his lesson if you teach him.

 

He sometimes contacts me beforehand to let me know, sometimes just shows up late. It's inconsistent.

 

Yeah, I will do that. I actually turned down his offer to hang out yesterday since I just didn't want to deal with him being late or cancelling plus I had plans with friends. It's weird how clingy he got after that. He hit up my phone all day/night and was acting insecure. Hmmm.

 

Some people are chronically late. That's just how they are. It has nothing to do with you. You can be laid back about it or you can take it as a personal affront.

 

Personally, it doesn't bother me. I account for it in planning with the person and that works well.

 

What raised my eyebrows was the 10 dates in 17 or 18 days! But you live very near each other. Still, no matter how excited you both are, that's a lot! What you're feeling is infatuation, not love. He is too. Just recognize that infatuation is fickle. Focus on building a more solid foundation--that involves getting to know each other over a longer time period in a range of scenarios, which you're doing.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are you? Have you seen his place? Here's why I ask. If he's 20 and living at home, that's one thing. If he's 35 or 40 and living at home, and chronically late to dates because he's cooking and doing various things for his family, that's an entirely different story. Alarm bells go off like gang busters in the latter case. It would be useful to have more details from you.

 

Thank you for reminding me what this is, and yeah, I definitely want to focus more on getting to know him and building a foundation, as long as that's what he truly wants too.

 

I have been to his place, he does obviously live with his family (although none were home when I went there). He's 23 and I'm 25.

[angel.eyes]

What makes you think that he doesn't want a relationship?

[Whodatdog]

He's late all the time because you let him be. He's been an hour and a half late, and you just wait for him?

 

He will keep being late, because he can be. Until you put your foot down, give him 15 minutes (unless he calls you and tells you where he is and when he'll be there), and then leave.

 

People treat you the way you let them. You arent important enough to him for him to be on time.

[angel.eyes]

OMG. Some people are just chronically late. These people will be late to their own funeral! Seriously. "Putting your foot" down and issuing ultimatums won't change their behavior, just get you more riled up, angry, and resentful when they're still late...as is their habit. It's almost like asking a redhead to stop growing red hair because you prefer blondes. That's who they are. Accept it or if it doesn't work for you, whodatdog, just move on.

[CaliforniaGirl]

OMG. Some people are just chronically late. These people will be late to their own funeral! Seriously. "Putting your foot" down and issuing ultimatums won't change their behavior, just get you more riled up, angry, and resentful when they're still late...as is their habit. It's almost like asking a redhead to stop growing red hair because you prefer blondes. That's who they are. Accept it or if it doesn't work for you, whodatdog, just move on.

 

Actually, nobody is "just" consistently anything...consistency requires some sort of effort, consciously or subconsciously. If it were just flightiness or something then the person would also be sometimes early and sometimes on time. That's randomness v. consistency.

 

As for that last sentence, yep! And if it were me, I'd be gone. The OP can make her own decision on this, of course, but it's pretty obvious it bothers her, or she wouldn't have gone out of her way to ask hundreds of people on a forum about it.

[hermitcrab]

So it's only been a little over a month that I've been dating this guy and we've been on idk like 15 or more dates? Just hanging out a lot and usually have a great time. The connection I feel like I have with him beats any guy I've been with. We spent valentines day and his birthday together already, things are just moving super duper fast but I don't mind it that much.. I just hate how addicted to him I am becoming and how crazy my behavior seems sometimes.

 

He sometimes will go a few days without contacting me and say he's busy with work and stuff but I find myself obsessing about if he's lying and really just doesn't want to talk to me or if he actually likes me at all (even though he says he does). It's just really messing up my mental state. He has time to post random stuff on facebook but won't message me for days, and will ignore my messages a lot? It seems weird. I just keep checking facebook most of the day to see if he's on ignoring my messages or not and if he is I feel like crap.

 

I know what I'm doing isn't normal but it's hard to stop. I've tried just not checking facebook for a while but then I think "what if he messages me and needs something or wants to hang out??" so I just keep checking. It doesn't help that the notifications of messages is messed up on my phone so I don't know if I'm being messaged or not unless I go directly to my messages on fb and check. So I keep constantly checking and most of the time being let down that he's not messaging. Then if I get one message from him it's like my whole world lights up and I get this huge high..

 

Ugh, how do I stop. I hate feeling crazy :/ It's like he's a drug and I'm being drawn to him constantly now.

I know I should "get a life". Easier said than done when you really like someone I guess.

[Redhead14]

So it's only been a little over a month that I've been dating this guy and we've been on idk like 15 or more dates? Just hanging out a lot and usually have a great time. The connection I feel like I have with him beats any guy I've been with. We spent valentines day and his birthday together already, things are just moving super duper fast but I don't mind it that much.. I just hate how addicted to him I am becoming and how crazy my behavior seems sometimes.

 

He sometimes will go a few days without contacting me and say he's busy with work and stuff but I find myself obsessing about if he's lying and really just doesn't want to talk to me or if he actually likes me at all (even though he says he does). It's just really messing up my mental state. He has time to post random stuff on facebook but won't message me for days, and will ignore my messages a lot? It seems weird. I just keep checking facebook most of the day to see if he's on ignoring my messages or not and if he is I feel like crap.

 

I know what I'm doing isn't normal but it's hard to stop. I've tried just not checking facebook for a while but then I think "what if he messages me and needs something or wants to hang out??" so I just keep checking. It doesn't help that the notifications of messages is messed up on my phone so I don't know if I'm being messaged or not unless I go directly to my messages on fb and check. So I keep constantly checking and most of the time being let down that he's not messaging. Then if I get one message from him it's like my whole world lights up and I get this huge high..

 

Ugh, how do I stop. I hate feeling crazy :/ It's like he's a drug and I'm being drawn to him constantly now.

I know I should "get a life". Easier said than done when you really like someone I guess.

 

Get a grip, Girl. 15 dates in a month and you're worrying over a couple of days of no contact here and there! People/relationships need to breathe. And, this is moving way too fast. And, with the obsessing you're doing, trust me, you will kill it just as fast.

 

Have you had any conversations about what you are each looking for out of your dating journeys? Are you on the same page in terms of dating goals?

 

He has time to post random stuff on facebook but won't message me for days, and will ignore my messages a lot? -- Stop messaging him and sit back and observe. Since this has moved so quickly, I'd continue to sit back and let him do the initiating still. There's no need for you to initiate much if he's doing so much of it already.

 

Your obsession/addiction is oozing from this page and trust me, if you don't reign that in, he's going to sense it as well. Things like this come across in ways you don't realize.

 

Have you been intimate with him yet?

[hermitcrab]

Get a grip, Girl. 15 dates in a month and you're worrying over a couple of days of no contact here and there! People/relationships need to breathe. And, this is moving way too fast. And, with the obsessing you're doing, trust me, you will kill it just as fast.

 

Have you had any conversations about what you are each looking for out of your dating journeys? Are you on the same page in terms of dating goals?

 

He has time to post random stuff on facebook but won't message me for days, and will ignore my messages a lot? -- Stop messaging him and sit back and observe. Since this has moved so quickly, I'd continue to sit back and let him do the initiating still. There's no need for you to initiate much if he's doing so much of it already.

 

Your obsession/addiction is oozing from this page and trust me, if you don't reign that in, he's going to sense it as well. Things like this come across in ways you don't realize.

 

Have you been intimate with him yet?

 

Yeah, I definitely need to calm down. My insecurities keep coming up. I probably shouldn't even be dating, like someone here pointed out to me before. I'm becoming clingy from desperation.

 

Yes we have been intimate.

We haven't really had a "serious" talk about us, but I do know he's not completely over his ex right now.

He said he "loved me" while drunk the other day, which I am not really thinking are true feelings, but still kind of confused me.

Edited March 2, 2017 by hermitcrab

[Redhead14]

Yeah, I definitely need to calm down. My insecurities keep coming up. I probably shouldn't even be dating, like someone here pointed out to me before. I'm becoming clingy from desperation.

 

Yes we have been intimate.

We haven't really had a "serious" talk about us, but I do know he's not completely over his ex right now.

He said he "loved me" while drunk the other day, which I am not really thinking are true feelings, but still kind of confused me.

 

By the fast pace of things and him not being over the ex, I'd say he doesn't love YOU, he loves the distraction from his EX and the sex . . .

 

Sit back and let things slow down. Don't let yourself be so available to him and I don't mean play games. I mean, get busy with your life so that you aren't actually as available. If he's not over his ex and he's admitted that, you are likely going to end up being a rebound for him.

[ashy555]

Hi Hermitcrab,

 

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It looks as if it is moving at a really fast pace and possibly scaring him a little. It is really hard to control the anxiety. Facebook makes it so much worse when you can see they were last active.(honestly... I hate fb chat and try keep dating potentials off of it)

 

Just understand one thing. If you can feel him pulling away at all. I think you need to pull away as well and let him come to you. If he pulls away and you are pushing him, it will only push him further and further.

 

15 dates in a month is a lot. Sometimes when these things come on so thick and fast, they can fizzle out just as quick. It is why I am weary of men who come onto me so strong. It usually indicates some kind of insecurity on their behalf. I've had plenty of experience with it. Because they moved at such a quick pace, eventually reality sets in and they realise you may not be a suitable match. I am in no way saying this is what has happened in your situation. Just be weary about it.

 

As hard as it is.. you have to remember if things go downhill.. It is not because of you. Clearly he was attracted to you and loved spending time with you. I also saw someone said men can sniff out a woman's vulnerability and I 100% agree with that. As crazy as it sounds haha

 

So try to distract yourself. Go to the gym or a run. Spend time with friends. He will come to you if he wants to.

[act00]

I'm really in the camp of everyone else. YOU are not important enough to him to show up on time or be a priority. Why is he late? It's because whatever he's doing has a higher priority. To leave you waiting in excess of 10 minutes on a regular basis is not good, and and even as little as 5-10 minutes for every date just not a good sign. To leave you in the lurch for an hour or more or cancel is really not a good place to start.

 

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, the guy needs to learn better time management and learn to say no when he is over-extended. He may really want to spend time with you, but can't say no to to you because he has other obligations, and likewise, he may have difficulty saying no to friends/family/colleagues/other people even though he had plans with you. This is something he needs to work on, and maybe you can help with that, but you also risk being the nag.

 

You can simply just leave after 5-10 minutes when he's not on time. This could cause him to run for the hills, but I think you're dodging a bullet if he doesn't take you seriously and is uninterested in improving upon himself.

 

My stepfather was perpetually late to the point that if we wanted him to be at X place at Y time, we had to tell him the time was 30 minutes earlier than we really wanted. His tardiness drove my mother mad, and there were many times SD would be on time, leaving a full 30 minutes to kill, as no one else was there yet. If this man turns out to be "the one," this is something you will likely have to just accept as a personal flaw and work with it for the rest of your life.

 

For now, I wouldn't wait anymore. We can wait because traffic was bad or something last minute came up and he couldn't leave when expected or he just didn't time the drive-time well, but when it happens EVERY time? No more waiting. I think you've topped off on tolerance.

[hermitcrab]

By the fast pace of things and him not being over the ex, I'd say he doesn't love YOU, he loves the distraction from his EX and the sex . . .

 

Sit back and let things slow down. Don't let yourself be so available to him and I don't mean play games. I mean, get busy with your life so that you aren't actually as available. If he's not over his ex and he's admitted that, you are likely going to end up being a rebound for him.

 

Yeah I had a talk with my therapist and a friend and they said this has rebound written all over it too. So, I have accepted that and am detaching.

 

Hardly any word from him for 4 days, he attempted to make a plan to see me one day but then flaked out again without any excuse. So, I sent him a message saying

 

"I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out anymore, I have certain reasons but not sure if you're interested in hearing them. Take care"

 

his response was "ok well thanks"

 

I actually chuckled, what a reply. Not sure if he's mad or just doesn't give a ****.

Time to work on moving on from this. I might have to see him again because he borrowed something from me I'd like back, so that will be awkward.

 

Sigh.

[Redhead14]

Yeah I had a talk with my therapist and a friend and they said this has rebound written all over it too. So, I have accepted that and am detaching.

 

Hardly any word from him for 4 days, he attempted to make a plan to see me one day but then flaked out again without any excuse. So, I sent him a message saying

 

"I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out anymore, I have certain reasons but not sure if you're interested in hearing them. Take care"

 

his response was "ok well thanks"

 

I actually chuckled, what a reply. Not sure if he's mad or just doesn't give a ****.

Time to work on moving on from this. I might have to see him again because he borrowed something from me I'd like back, so that will be awkward.

 

Sigh.

 

I might have to see him again because he borrowed something from me I'd like back -- Unless the item is worth a ton of money, forget about it. Usually when there is this kind of thinking going on, it's just an excuse to see him again and, even subconsciously holding on to hope. Keep moving. Whatever he borrowed, you can live without just the way you can live without him.

[hermitcrab]

I might have to see him again because he borrowed something from me I'd like back -- Unless the item is worth a ton of money, forget about it. Usually when there is this kind of thinking going on, it's just an excuse to see him again and, even subconsciously holding on to hope. Keep moving. Whatever he borrowed, you can live without just the way you can live without him.

 

I was thinking about that, but it also had some sentimental value (it was stupid of me to let him borrow it.. I admit). It was a portable hard drive (one i hardly used, but it was from my dad and had about 100 GB of music he put on there for me that I stupidly didn't back up). If that wasn't on there I'd let it go, but my dad hardly ever gives me anything, so it's meaningful.

 

I am trying not to hold onto hope. Maybe I can just send him a message sometime and tell him he can leave it in my mailbox because I'll be busy?

[Redhead14]

I was thinking about that, but it also had some sentimental value (it was stupid of me to let him borrow it.. I admit). It was a portable hard drive (one i hardly used, but it was from my dad and had about 100 GB of music he put on there for me that I stupidly didn't back up). If that wasn't on there I'd let it go, but my dad hardly ever gives me anything, so it's meaningful.

 

I am trying not to hold onto hope. Maybe I can just send him a message sometime and tell him he can leave it in my mailbox because I'll be busy?

 

Just let it go . . . If the guy doesn't respond or won't give it back or says something insensitive, etc., you'll just be more upset. Just ask your Dad synch the music again to a new hard drive.

 

but my dad hardly ever gives me anything so it's meaningful -- OP, it's just music that can be downloaded or synched again, not a family heirloom.

[elaine567]

I was thinking about that, but it also had some sentimental value (it was stupid of me to let him borrow it.. I admit).

 

Yes it was stupid. Do not just give away things you care about to guys you hardly know.

All very well being "generous", but you need to think more about yourself and less about them.

Now this guy has something of yours he will probably just take what he wants and then bin, and you are left feeing horrible.

 

...and don't spend any time waiting for someone to get over their ex. YOU want to be his number one not be his nursemaid whilst he heals from a prior relationship.