He is almost always late [UPDATE: I am insecure, "addicted" to him]

[hermitcrab]

So I met this guy about 2 1/2 weeks ago, we seemed to click from the start, he even asked me to be his valentine on the first day we met, and promised me he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me, and that I am the nicest person he's met, which honestly made me feel amazing. He is very cute, funny, and sweet, and I feel this "spark" with him I haven't felt with anyone else. We have been on about 10 dates so far (sometimes a few in a day, coffee in the morning, dinner in the evening). But something that has been bothering me is he is almost always late and sometimes will make plans and cancel them and it seriously gets me down. It really wouldn't bother me if it was like 5 minutes late, but it is at least 30+ minutes late every time. He is apologetic, but I really just wish I would get him to arrive on time instead of getting all these apologies.

 

It was worse the other night because I had planned to introduce him to my friends and we all were waiting for him for about an hour and a half to show. He lives with his family still, and cooks for them, so he said he was doing that. I honestly believe he was doing that, but I just wish he would not make plans to meet up at a certain time and show up late, or cancel at some point.

 

And it really is frustrating looking forward to seeing him but him not showing. I really, really like him so far besides this. Should I confront him, and if things don't change stop dating him? Or am I expecting too much in the beginning stages of dating?

[preraph]

Why would you even consider continuing to see someone who was this disrespectful of you and your time? This is a red flag. People who are late, in my long years of experience, are not rehabable. They don't give a crap about other people, only themselves. The alternative is if they are truly so stupid and disorganized that they CAN'T be on time. You don't need someone that stupid and disorganized either.

 

So the answer is get out while it's easy to do so.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

That's a lot of dates in a short time. Are you having sex?

[Gaeta]

My ex-h was always late not only with me but with his family and friends too. The only place he was not late was his work. He couldn't, they don't keep you in the army if you're late.

 

Anyway we all accepted it was the way he was. If he said he'd be there at 18h we knew he meant 19h. Often we'd ask him if he meant the real 18h or his 18h.

 

Some people can't deal with it, my culture is very laid back so we pretty much accept that is how the person is. I rarely make a fuss if my BF is late. I would not make a fuss for 1 hour late but at 3 hours late I'd be pissed. See we're all different.

 

Cancelling plans at the very last minute is a different ball game though. I would have a much harder time with that. I don't think I'd deal with someone that does that repeatedly.

[Zahara]

So I met this guy about 2 1/2 weeks ago, we seemed to click from the start, he even asked me to be his valentine on the first day we met, and promised me he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me, and that I am the nicest person he's met, which honestly made me feel amazing. He is very cute, funny, and sweet, and I feel this "spark" with him I haven't felt with anyone else. We have been on about 10 dates so far (sometimes a few in a day, coffee in the morning, dinner in the evening). But something that has been bothering me is he is almost always late and sometimes will make plans and cancel them and it seriously gets me down. It really wouldn't bother me if it was like 5 minutes late, but it is at least 30+ minutes late every time. He is apologetic, but I really just wish I would get him to arrive on time instead of getting all these apologies.

 

It was worse the other night because I had planned to introduce him to my friends and we all were waiting for him for about an hour and a half to show. He lives with his family still, and cooks for them, so he said he was doing that. I honestly believe he was doing that, but I just wish he would not make plans to meet up at a certain time and show up late, or cancel at some point.

 

And it really is frustrating looking forward to seeing him but him not showing. I really, really like him so far besides this. Should I confront him, and if things don't change stop dating him? Or am I expecting too much in the beginning stages of dating?

 

10 dates in 2.5 weeks! Along with signs of love bombing and extreme tardiness -- sounds like trouble to me. Personally, I see red flags.

[hermitcrab]

Why would you even consider continuing to see someone who was this disrespectful of you and your time? This is a red flag. People who are late, in my long years of experience, are not rehabable. They don't give a crap about other people, only themselves. The alternative is if they are truly so stupid and disorganized that they CAN'T be on time. You don't need someone that stupid and disorganized either.

 

So the answer is get out while it's easy to do so.

 

I guess because I really feel a connection with him. He smokes a lot of weed, maybe that has something to do with it? Loses track of time?

 

That's a lot of dates in a short time. Are you having sex?

 

I was planning on not having sex until about a month or 2 in, but he started making moves and I got caught up in the moment and we did have sex once. I realized that was a mistake, I wasn't ready so all we will do is make out now.

 

My ex-h was always late not only with me but with his family and friends too. The only place he was not late was his work. He couldn't, they don't keep you in the army if you're late.

 

Anyway we all accepted it was the way he was. If he said he'd be there at 18h we knew he meant 19h. Often we'd ask him if he meant the real 18h or his 18h.

 

Some people can't deal with it, my culture is very laid back so we pretty much accept that is how the person is. I rarely make a fuss if my BF is late. I would not make a fuss for 1 hour late but at 3 hours late I'd be pissed. See we're all different.

 

Cancelling plans at the very last minute is a different ball game though. I would have a much harder time with that. I don't think I'd deal with someone that does that repeatedly.

 

I see. I'm wondering if this is something I can accept eventually.

 

10 dates in 2.5 weeks! Along with signs of love bombing and extreme tardiness -- sounds like trouble to me. Personally, I see red flags.

 

Sigh. I really don't want to be negative about this. I hope he doesn't have bad intentions. I've had enough bad luck with men I just want it to end and find someone nice.

[ThisisIt606]

Asking you to be is valentine on the first day you met? 1) weird. 2) what does that even mean 3) it was so far in advance!

 

Someone who says " I'm never going to hurt you " is a red flag. Everyone in our lives has hurt us as least once ( though it may not be intentional). Sounds like he's giving you grandeur and immature promises.

 

Does he let you know in advance he's going to be x minutes late or give you an estimated time of arrival?

 

Punctuality is key for me. I also understand that traffic happens and am ok if someone gives me a heads up if they will be a few minutes late.

 

However being up to an hour late is ridiculous. He seems to be feeding you nice words but his actions are way sub par. Is this something you can accept?

[smackie9]

10 dates in 2.5 weeks! Along with signs of love bombing and extreme tardiness -- sounds like trouble to me. Personally, I see red flags.

I was thinking the same thing.....late because he is juggling other relationship?

 

IMO when they are love bombing you and you are so smitten in less than a week...smells like player to me.

 

The weed thing would be my first dealbreaker.

 

IMO being late is disrespectful....and it's even worse when they don't see a problem with it.

 

Wait til Valentines day....is he going to show up 2 hours late for that too?

[Zahara]

I guess because I really feel a connection with him. He smokes a lot of weed, maybe that has something to do with it? Loses track of time?

 

I was planning on not having sex until about a month or 2 in, but he started making moves and I got caught up in the moment and we did have sex once. I realized that was a mistake, I wasn't ready so all we will do is make out now.

 

I see. I'm wondering if this is something I can accept eventually.

 

Sigh. I really don't want to be negative about this. I hope he doesn't have bad intentions. I've had enough bad luck with men I just want it to end and find someone nice.

 

There's quite a bit screaming at you but you're choosing to ignore. It's not about being negative, it's about being smart, observant, and having healthy boundaries in place and knowing how and when to enforce it.

 

It seems you're getting caught up in the excitement. Those emotions aren't indications that he's right, good or healthy. It's just you being blinded by the initial high.

[Fruitee]

This dude is a player.

[Zahara]

It was worse the other night because I had planned to introduce him to my friends and we all were waiting for him for about an hour and a half to show. He lives with his family still, and cooks for them, so he said he was doing that. I honestly believe he was doing that,

 

You honestly believe he was doing that? Why? Just because he said so?

 

You've known him for 2.5 weeks.

 

You can still see him if you want but walk in with your eyes wide open. Restrain yourself from becoming too attached to his words. You hardly know the man.

[ElizabethIII]

My ex was always late.

 

Always made it om time to work amd to his stupid tennis matches.

 

so it was just me he disrespected. he just didnt leave enough time to make it to see me on time.

 

the advent of texting and cell phones has made it so easy to be late. just send a text. whereas before we had no way to let someone know and risked them not being there.

 

he was the same with phone calls. he said he would call in the evening but most times it was after midnight. what i wish i had done is once it got past 10:30pm is switch that phone off. he didnt call at a reasonable hour then he didnt get to talk to me.

 

with his lateness i wish i had one day turned up super duper late to something that he paid for and meant alot to him. he couldnt have criticized me as he was always late and he would for once have known how it felt.

Edited February 8, 2017 by ElizabethIII

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I guess because I really feel a connection with him. He smokes a lot of weed, maybe that has something to do with it? Loses track of time?

 

 

 

I was planning on not having sex until about a month or 2 in, but he started making moves and I got caught up in the moment and we did have sex once. I realized that was a mistake, I wasn't ready so all we will do is make out now.

 

 

 

I see. I'm wondering if this is something I can accept eventually.

 

 

 

Sigh. I really don't want to be negative about this. I hope he doesn't have bad intentions. I've had enough bad luck with men I just want it to end and find someone nice.

 

Is there much thought put into these dates or are they just casual meetups? He could just be looking for easy sex.

 

It sounds like he makes a lot of last minute plans with you.

[GunslingerRoland]

How far are you guys apart from each other? Because half an hour is a long time to be late per date.

 

Although, I'm not sure where you live, but I know where I live traffic has been as bad the last week as I've ever seen it do to the massive snow storms. So if that is the case where you are, it might require some consideration.

[preraph]

Weed is not any good excuse for being late. If he smokes regularly, it is just one more red flag. I was once a hippie and I did what all hippies do, and I was not late and didn't keep people waiting and paid my rent on time. But yes, I hated being around certain people because you'd say "I'm going to 7Eleven" and then they'd say "Wait and I'll go with you" and then it either never happen or happen hours later because they were too lazy to oust themselves. But that was them. They were already enjoying being lakadasical and it only made them like pot more.

 

It's disrespectful and there's no way of getting around that. Keeping people waiting is disrespectful and will lose you most jobs, so it's a BIG red flag.

[Miss Peach]

For me reliability is a must so that would be a dealbreaker for me. If he was 15 minutes late and gave you a heads up that would be OK but I wouldn't wait around like that (90 minutes) for a guy - especially one I recently met.

 

IME you can mention it once or twice but after that you will need to show him with action and be wiling to drop him from your life if this is a boundary/dealbreaker to you.

 

I ran into some similar issues with my current BF about 3.5 months in. I told him my time was valuable to be and that I need reliability in my life and that if he couldn't do that I needed to give other things priority for my time. When he cancelled on me again, I started filling up my calendar with things that didn't involve him. When he asked why I told him I couldn't rely on him so I made plans. Within a week he made sure to get onto my calendar and has been more proactive about booking my time in advance. I still don't know if the other show will drop but for right now he's doing everything I wanted in the first place.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Less than 10 minutes late and I'm OK with that generally speaking. Any more and I'd prefer a heads up.

 

He sounds inconsiderate of your time OP, I would pass on this one.

[RecentChange]

I am one of those always on time people – I have being late, I find it rude (so I end up sitting in my car and waiting as I usually end up being too early!)

 

And I agree with other posters, tardiness can be a sign of disrespect, being inconsiderate, flaky, self-centered and rude.

 

That said – I have also known people that suffer from social anxiety or anxiety disorders in general who struggle with being late all the time. For them – its anxiety that causes them to run in circles, “oh I need to do this first! Or wait that” until next thing you know – they should have left the house an hour ago, but they have been spinning their wheels because they have a mental block against going.

 

Just another perspective to consider.

 

What does he do when he is late? Does he show consideration – text you BEFORE the set time to let you know he is running behind? Do you make it clear its troubling?

 

And yes, smoking lots of weed can lead to forgetfulness, losing tack of time etc – when you are high, you aren’t firing on all cylinders.

 

Sigh. I really don't want to be negative about this. I hope he doesn't have bad intentions. I've had enough bad luck with men I just want it to end and find someone nice.

 

Honestly to me, THIS is the biggest red flag I see (not that there aren’t many others that people have pointed out). In my experience when someone says they have horrible “luck” with dating. That they have found themselves dating jerks, that all of their relationships weren’t a good match….

 

Well then there is a common denominator there- and it’s the person making these statements, not the “men”. We choose who we allow into our lives. We choose how we allow people to treat us. We choose who we date. No one is forcing any of this. So, if time and again you are choosing the wrong people – well therein lies the problem. Perhaps you need to be a better judge of character. Perhaps you need to learn how to demand better treatment and spot a jerk from a mile away, not after you start dating them.

 

Ignoring red flags, ignoring your gut, allowing yourself to be treated in any way that isn’t respectful will only serve to continue this pattern of “bad luck”

[hermitcrab]

Is there much thought put into these dates or are they just casual meetups? He could just be looking for easy sex.

 

It sounds like he makes a lot of last minute plans with you.

 

Well the first week when the weather was better we had these super long dates (like 3-5 hours?) where we would grab food then walk to the beach and just talk about everything, or walk around town just talking getting to know each other. He shared personal things about himself/his life with me. This is why I don't see him as someone looking only to hook up. He also helped me carry groceries home, lent me his jacket when it was too cold.. just gentlemanly things.

 

How far are you guys apart from each other? Because half an hour is a long time to be late per date.

 

Although, I'm not sure where you live, but I know where I live traffic has been as bad the last week as I've ever seen it do to the massive snow storms. So if that is the case where you are, it might require some consideration.

 

It's funny, he just lives down the street from me. A less than 5 minute walk. All other guys I have dated have lived out of town, and never have been late as often as him.

 

I am one of those always on time people – I have being late, I find it rude (so I end up sitting in my car and waiting as I usually end up being too early!)

 

And I agree with other posters, tardiness can be a sign of disrespect, being inconsiderate, flaky, self-centered and rude.

 

That said – I have also known people that suffer from social anxiety or anxiety disorders in general who struggle with being late all the time. For them – its anxiety that causes them to run in circles, “oh I need to do this first! Or wait that” until next thing you know – they should have left the house an hour ago, but they have been spinning their wheels because they have a mental block against going.

 

Just another perspective to consider.

 

What does he do when he is late? Does he show consideration – text you BEFORE the set time to let you know he is running behind? Do you make it clear its troubling?

 

And yes, smoking lots of weed can lead to forgetfulness, losing tack of time etc – when you are high, you aren’t firing on all cylinders.

 

 

 

Honestly to me, THIS is the biggest red flag I see (not that there aren’t many others that people have pointed out). In my experience when someone says they have horrible “luck” with dating. That they have found themselves dating jerks, that all of their relationships weren’t a good match….

 

Well then there is a common denominator there- and it’s the person making these statements, not the “men”. We choose who we allow into our lives. We choose how we allow people to treat us. We choose who we date. No one is forcing any of this. So, if time and again you are choosing the wrong people – well therein lies the problem. Perhaps you need to be a better judge of character. Perhaps you need to learn how to demand better treatment and spot a jerk from a mile away, not after you start dating them.

 

Ignoring red flags, ignoring your gut, allowing yourself to be treated in any way that isn’t respectful will only serve to continue this pattern of “bad luck”

 

He will text sometimes beforehand saying he will be there at a later time, but sometimes i will get a text hours later and he will say something like "sorry, i had to cook/clean for my family". that will either lead to him saying he's too tired to hang out, or that he will be here at a later time.

 

And yeah, I guess I have my own problems that make me put up with certain things with guys. I have trouble dating in general because of my anxiety disorder, so when I meet some guy that shows interest I want to stick with him and try to accept his flaws.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1. He jumped in with the "I will never hurt you" stuff WAY too soon. He can promise you that after 2.5 weeks??? Red flag. NOBODY can promise that after half a month. Realistically, nobody can ever promise that but even getting to the point where it makes sense, based on shared experience, to say it takes way longer. He's rushing things in an odd way...meanwhile disrespecting you with the lateness. It feels like he's marking his turf with you but without really following through.

 

2. Someone who was always late would drive me BUGGY. I could not live with that. If it's constant (though again...after only 2.5 weeks, how can you know what "constant" or "all the time" is?), it's going to be this way forever, unless you can manage to cry, beg, "calmly talk" and basically bother him in every possible way into changing, probably years from now following lots of pushing back passive-aggressively on his part. Listen to the words of experience. DON'T go there. Bleh. It will be every event...all the time. It gets old.

[hermitcrab]

Someone mentioned "love bombing" and I did some research on that since I hadn't heard of it before. It's really sadistic if that's what he was doing. I had some amazing dates with him, it felt almost like a romantic movie or something and I thought he was sincere. What the hell is wrong with someone to do something like that? I really hope this isn't what happened but now I keep thinking it is.

 

I sent him an honest message last night after having a few drinks (I probably shouldn't have). And I was basically pouring out my feelings (just saying i like and care about him and stuff) and I get a "seen" message on facebook messenger then he replies about an hour and a half later saying "so sorry i am dealing with some stuff tonight talk tomorrow for sure be safe and have fun"

 

"some stuff?" but then he is liking things on facebook and making a couple random facebook posts? He's not being honest is he.. :/

[central]

I would ask him to call if he's going to be 10 minutes or more late, and call as far ahead of the agreed time as possible. If he doesn't call and hasn't shown up by 10 minutes after the agreed time, leave and go elsewhere. He'll either correct this bad habit quickly, or you can move on. Just have an alternate place you want to go after those 10 minutes - having an alternate plan is always a good idea in the early stages of dating, I've found.

 

 

I've also dumped dates after being significantly late a couple of times, or if they've been a no show, if they haven't called to let me know.

[Zahara]

What the hell is wrong with someone to do something like that? I really hope this isn't what happened but now I keep thinking it is.

 

I've learned that rather than question how one behaves, it's best to focus on how you should respond. You can't change people nor can you identify with someone that does not align with who you are. Don't hope. Observe. Instill boundaries and as you go along, pay attention to your instincts. Don't just jump in head first because you're caught up in romance. It seems like you're already doing that.

 

I sent him an honest message last night after having a few drinks (I probably shouldn't have). And I was basically pouring out my feelings (just saying i like and care about him and stuff) and I get a "seen" message on facebook messenger then he replies about an hour and a half later saying "so sorry i am dealing with some stuff tonight talk tomorrow for sure be safe and have fun"

 

Too much emotion and vulnerability too soon. There are those that will take advantage of your "weaknesses". You've known him 2.5 weeks and you're pouring your heart out? Stop. Step back. Take control of your emotions. Curb the expectations. You're getting ahead of yourself. Again, just because he's thrown words at you, don't get attached to it. It's just words. Focus on action. He's already showing you he is unreliable.

[hermitcrab]

I've learned that rather than question how one behaves, it's best to focus on how you should respond. You can't change people nor can you identify with someone that does not align with who you are. Don't hope. Observe. Instill boundaries and as you go along, pay attention to your instincts. Don't just jump in head first because you're caught up in romance. It seems like you're already doing that.

 

 

 

Too much emotion and vulnerability too soon. There are those that will take advantage of your "weaknesses". You've known him 2.5 weeks and you're pouring your heart out? Stop. Step back. Take control of your emotions. Curb the expectations. You're getting ahead of yourself. Again, just because he's thrown words at you, don't get attached to it. It's just words. Focus on action. He's already showing you he is unreliable.

 

Thank you for this. Yeah it's true. I guess I got caught up in everything (and still kind of am?). The thing is, he admitted even stronger feelings less than a week into knowing me. I guess since he was okay with admitting those, I didn't feel as stupid admitting mine last night. But I still feel stupid :/ I don't know if he will even talk to me today. If he does, I'm not sure how I will respond.

[enddeck]

The only thing every person in the world has a limited supply of is time.You can be a billionaire or a beggar but your time on this earth is limited.

Do not let anyone waste yours.

Next time he is more than ten minutes late,leave and go somewhere without him.When he calls you tell him you could tell he wasn't interested in your date so you made other plans.And stop being so available to him,if he knows you are going to wait on him all night then why should he worry.To be honest he sounds like a player and you should give him the elbow.