campeo Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I met someone I really like from online and have had 5 dates, but she started acting insecure and needing reassurance between dates 4 and 5 and I'm not sure I can get past it. After 4 dates, I was ready to take down my profile and ask to be exclusive because we slept together and if it doesn't work out, I'll meet someone else later. I don't view exclusivity as a commitment. We were supposed to see each other the 5th time before she went on vacation, but I got sick and had to cancel. She said "as long as you aren't canceling to go out with someone else" and "please don't replace me when I'm gone" which was a bit much, because I was honestly sick. She then kept in touch multiple times a day even though out of country, which was sweet but unnecessary. When she landed (at night) she immediately called me and wanted to see me, but I told her I was still coughing and congested. I told her I'd call her before turning in - I did to no answer - but texted her inviting her to dinner two days later. The next day I got a text saying "hey." I was in meetings for 4 hours and by the time I got out she had asked "why aren't you texting me back?" I told her I was in meetings and she then asked "do you still miss / want me?" I told her I was perplexed at her tone and need for reassurance, that I was sick, in meetings all day and should be given the benefit of the doubt. She sent a long email apologizing for the miscommunication, that she was just trying to be cute and let me know she missed me. Then she was coming down with something too, but still wanted to see me. I made myself available to see her Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We had a late lunch Sunday before the Superbowl and I hoped to let it go, that she was simply excited to have met someone and she was just trying to be cute by text as she claimed. I texted her after the game "wow! What a game!" And she responded "glad you enjoyed it. And oh, happy 1 month anniversary." I read this in bed as I was going to sleep. By 9 am the next morning, she texted "you didn't respond to my text last night." I told her I didn't get it until I was in bed. I made some chit chat throughout the day and she said "I miss our usual banter. I'm going to send an email. Maybe it will rekindle the way things used to be ..." In my eyes, nothing had changed. I had made plans to see her this week, probably on the weekend and I already made valentines plan at a small concert. That is interest, though now I'm pulling way back. She sent the email and made some super bowl jokes referring to herself as Tom Brady. I playfully told her that she couldn't be Tom Brady, because I went to the same school as him so if anyone were him it would be me. She responded, "No, I'm the MVP and you are dropping the ball." Building herself up and putting me down - check. Is this a red flag or am I overreacting? We are both late 30s and our last serious relationships were 2 years ago. I don't mind her going fast, but I want that to be done from a place of confidence and independence. I've been in a relationship where someone needs immediate communication and frequent reassurance and it's exhausting. I'm feeling smothered and turned off and no longer want to ask to date exclusive if continue at all.
Larryville Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 She tested you and you failed, which made her even more insecure than she already is.
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 She's clingy, needy & insecure. These behaviors are not likely to improve. While I normally advocate just ending things without lengthy explanations if you are up for it & can resist pleas of I'll change, when you end things tell her some of what you told us. Things were going well, but then she got all clingy. The messages & the self doubt ruined it & as a result you are moving on. Do tell her she's a good person & that she deserves a solid relationship but until she believes that about herself & acts accordingly with self confidence, she's not going to find it because her behavior pushes the good guys like you away. 2
stillafool Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 She tested you and you failed, which made her even more insecure than she already is. What? OP what she is doing would drive me crazy and I'm a woman. She is too needy but if you like her continue as long as you can take it. I notice a lot of women are hypersensitive about constant communication these days. I hope you don't mind because it sounds like a lot of work to me. 2
Hopeful30 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 It's up to you to decide whether or not her insecurity is something you are willing to: a) Tolerate b) Cater to (by being reassuring) c) Accept in your partner I personally don't mind a bit of insecurity, but ONLY when it doesn't directly cause problems in the relationship. If my man asks who I'm texting so late, or if I find another man attractive, I will answer honestly. I get it, I'm a great gal and it's not uncommon for men to be drawn to someone of my personality type and beliefs. I accept this, so I accept that the men I date will have some insecurities about that. You need to ask yourself the following: If she remains the same as she is (insecurities and all), will I be okay with her as a longterm partner? Once you've answered this question, I think things will become clear. I wouldn't recommend starting a relationship on the basis that things could improve, or might change. It's true that this is possible, but that would mean you wouldn't be happy with your partner until these changes happen. That's unfair to both of you. It also depends on how much you like her. If you didn't have much interest, I don't think you would be concerned enough to ask in a forum. Since you are seeking advice, I would suggest continuing seeing this girl, but next time gently bringing up the fact that she doesn't need to worry so much. For example, "I noticed you get a bit insecure if I don't answer you back right away, or you might think my interest might stray to another woman. I understand this completely of course, but I want you to know that I am in this because I want to be. The moment things change, I promise to be honest with you." 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 She tested you and you failed, which made her even more insecure than she already is. ??? OP did nothing wrong. OP this girl is just clingy/needy. Some guys handle that OK, and some guys don't. Based on your reactions it sounds like you're not too thrilled about it. I would probably end things it likely won't improve.
coolheadal Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 What a dear heart you have your hands full of clinging woman. She won't let you go now! Either you accept or tolerate this just let her go but if you let her go she might show-up at your door-step. Some men like this sort of woman shows you she really wants you. Instead of the opposite way where they're gone, no more text, phone calls from them. I work either way me I am independent don't need much from a woman and I live carefree and calm. No one going to drive me up the wall! LOL
Redhead14 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I met someone I really like from online and have had 5 dates, but she started acting insecure and needing reassurance between dates 4 and 5 and I'm not sure I can get past it. After 4 dates, I was ready to take down my profile and ask to be exclusive because we slept together and if it doesn't work out, I'll meet someone else later. I don't view exclusivity as a commitment. We were supposed to see each other the 5th time before she went on vacation, but I got sick and had to cancel. She said "as long as you aren't canceling to go out with someone else" and "please don't replace me when I'm gone" which was a bit much, because I was honestly sick. She then kept in touch multiple times a day even though out of country, which was sweet but unnecessary. When she landed (at night) she immediately called me and wanted to see me, but I told her I was still coughing and congested. I told her I'd call her before turning in - I did to no answer - but texted her inviting her to dinner two days later. The next day I got a text saying "hey." I was in meetings for 4 hours and by the time I got out she had asked "why aren't you texting me back?" I told her I was in meetings and she then asked "do you still miss / want me?" I told her I was perplexed at her tone and need for reassurance, that I was sick, in meetings all day and should be given the benefit of the doubt. She sent a long email apologizing for the miscommunication, that she was just trying to be cute and let me know she missed me. Then she was coming down with something too, but still wanted to see me. I made myself available to see her Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We had a late lunch Sunday before the Superbowl and I hoped to let it go, that she was simply excited to have met someone and she was just trying to be cute by text as she claimed. I texted her after the game "wow! What a game!" And she responded "glad you enjoyed it. And oh, happy 1 month anniversary." I read this in bed as I was going to sleep. By 9 am the next morning, she texted "you didn't respond to my text last night." I told her I didn't get it until I was in bed. I made some chit chat throughout the day and she said "I miss our usual banter. I'm going to send an email. Maybe it will rekindle the way things used to be ..." In my eyes, nothing had changed. I had made plans to see her this week, probably on the weekend and I already made valentines plan at a small concert. That is interest, though now I'm pulling way back. She sent the email and made some super bowl jokes referring to herself as Tom Brady. I playfully told her that she couldn't be Tom Brady, because I went to the same school as him so if anyone were him it would be me. She responded, "No, I'm the MVP and you are dropping the ball." Building herself up and putting me down - check. Is this a red flag or am I overreacting? We are both late 30s and our last serious relationships were 2 years ago. I don't mind her going fast, but I want that to be done from a place of confidence and independence. I've been in a relationship where someone needs immediate communication and frequent reassurance and it's exhausting. I'm feeling smothered and turned off and no longer want to ask to date exclusive if continue at all. If a woman has a death grip on a dating partner after 5 dates, he should end it. 4
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 We are both late 30s and Holy cow! This woman has serious emotional dysfunctions. Today it's clignyness and tomorrow it will be control and manipulation. There is nothing good waiting for you there. End it. 3
Hopeful30 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Holy cow! This woman has serious emotional dysfunctions. Today it's clignyness and tomorrow it will be control and manipulation. There is nothing good waiting for you there. End it. I think we are being a bit harsh. There is no reason to believe they can't have a normal relationship if he approached this issue honestly (from the heart) and gave her a chance. Maybe all she needs to hear is that he's not being a dick, and that would suffice. I believe in chances. There is no harm in this OP. If it doesn't work, then you can still move on the very next day. This isn't life or death we're talking about. Besides, wouldn't you rather find out? I like to be sure before I make these kinds of decisions.
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I think we are being a bit harsh. There is no reason to believe they can't have a normal relationship if he approached this issue honestly (from the heart) and gave her a chance. Maybe all she needs to hear is that he's not being a dick, and that would suffice. I believe in chances. There is no harm in this OP. If it doesn't work, then you can still move on the very next day. This isn't life or death we're talking about. Besides, wouldn't you rather find out? I like to be sure before I make these kinds of decisions. I have been in OP situation a couple of times. I have shown patience, I have had conversations with them explaining it's normal I don't reply right away sometimes, I have told them they are too involved too fast to slow down, etc. They tried to change their behavior but it never lasted more than 48 hours and they were back to being an emotional tampon sucking the life out of me. It's not normal at late 30s to behave the way she does. When you're about to reach 40 you're suppose to have done some introspection and suppose to have reached some level of emotional maturity.
Larryville Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 She's clingy, needy & insecure. These behaviors are not likely to improve. What? OP what she is doing would drive me crazy and I'm a woman. She is too needy Holy cow! This woman has serious emotional dysfunctions. Today it's clignyness and tomorrow it will be control and manipulation. ??? OP did nothing wrong. BC I’m not saying she did anything “wrong” She said "as long as you aren't canceling to go out with someone else" and "please don't replace me when I'm gone" which was a bit much, because I was honestly sick. I posted the following article on another thread yesterday. Women Who Have Been Hurt Too Many Times Unknowingly Do These 12 Things ? Mystical Raven Intro quote: Heartbreak changes us and affects us. We grow a different perspective of love and become extra cautious. We behave differently, we act differently and we react differently and all these changes are evident from our actions. We start doing the things we do unknowingly but the reason behind the changes is nothing but the pain men we dated put us through. Heartbreak or cheating or manipulation of past dudes cause some women to react this way. “secure” confident women don’t do this, they get stronger. We all are a creation or evolution of our past experiences. I’m just saying (since I have been seeing more and more post like this, but from the women recently) We don’t know how her head got to be where it is now. When I see post like this I always ask myself how did the person get there?
Hopeful30 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I have been in OP situation a couple of times. I have shown patience, I have had conversations with them explaining it's normal I don't reply right away sometimes, I have told them they are too involved too fast to slow down, etc. They tried to change their behavior but it never lasted more than 48 hours and they were back to being an emotional tampon sucking the life out of me. It's not normal at late 30s to behave the way she does. When you're about to reach 40 you're suppose to have done some introspection and suppose to have reached some level of emotional maturity. I suppose our experiences are different. I've given chances and seen improvement. Maybe we have different approaches? In any case, the choice is yours OP. Worse comes to worst, you will have gained wisdom and experiences. Cute Cocker Spaniel by the way! I could just eat him up! 1
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I think we are being a bit harsh. There is no reason to believe they can't have a normal relationship if he approached this issue honestly (from the heart) and gave her a chance. Maybe all she needs to hear is that he's not being a dick, and that would suffice. I believe in chances. There is no harm in this OP. If it doesn't work, then you can still move on the very next day. This isn't life or death we're talking about. Besides, wouldn't you rather find out? I like to be sure before I make these kinds of decisions. Hopeful30 I admire your optimism. I suppose it goes with your screen name, hopeful. That said, any adult woman who sends a text saying "hey" to a man during the work day then follows up with a whiney -- why aren't you texting me back text -- probably isn't going to get the wake up call. She doesn't understand that the guy has a job. For a 30 year old to say Happy One Month anniversary to a guy she's been on 5 dates with also seems juvenile to me. While I would never fault anyone -- not you or the OP -- for trying, based solely on what has been posted about this woman, I'm not sure a reality check will keep her insecurity in check. If the OP tells her all this, she may be good & reign in her emotions for a short time but she won't be able to keep a lid on her neediness. 2
coolheadal Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I wouldn't mine such a woman but then again if we men acted like that around women they we would be in serious let down. Most will not accept that sort of behavior. Depends what you what from her or allow of her? Tough one to call here though.
OnlyHonesty Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I feel suffocated and I don't even know her.... 7
Miss Peach Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I can see her point of view because the time after sex, a lot of women feel very vulnerable and then you cancelled the date. So I could see her point of needing that reassurance you're not going to be one of those guys who disappear after sex. But looking at the OP's side, I once met a women that sounded a lot like the OP's woman. She was gorgeous too. I even knew if I went out with her again we would be having sex. I still couldn't bring myself to go out with her again as the suffocation was too much of a turn off to me. It just felt like trouble to have sex with her if I couldn't get past that. At 5 dates I would likely let it fizzle as IME insecurity tends to come up again and again. If you really want to give it a chance then assert the boundary but it's likely to be a lost cause statistically speaking.
Ieris Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 "as long as you aren't canceling to go out with someone else" "please don't replace me when I'm gone" "why aren't you texting me back?" "do you still miss / want me?" "glad you enjoyed it. And oh, happy 1 month anniversary." "you didn't respond to my text last night." "I miss our usual banter. I'm going to send an email. Maybe it will rekindle the way things used to be ..." I think some people behave that way because they are unsure where they stand with you but they often do calm down once that is cleared up. In your case, I reckon you're just dealing with Neediness : Low, wait until Medium, High and Extreme kicks in... 1
Redhead14 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 This woman is stressing over one or two unanswered texts or not getting the response "type" she dreamed up For/From him, when the other and more significant aspects of the developing relationship are showing her that this man is at least focusing on her and evaluating the possibility of more. She is demonstrating an inability to evaluate objectively . . . and that she has created a vision in her head about how the man of her dreams would be/act, etc. She's running a script in her head that he doesn't have a copy of.
niji Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I can see her point of view because the time after sex, a lot of women feel very vulnerable and then you cancelled the date. So I could see her point of needing that reassurance you're not going to be one of those guys who disappear after sex. Yes, I think that has a lot to do with it. Still, someone who's confident enough about themselves wouldn't be able to bring themselve to say "Don't replace me". I thought she was, maybe 18. I remember during my first relationship, I would get mad if my ex didn't call me back within a few hours and exhibited some pretty neurotic behaviors looking back As I get older, I realize if people are interested, they will be sure to show it. Not texting back immediately just means they have a job and aren't slacking off at work. Needing constant reassurance is very tiring OP. If you can't have fun and enjoy yourself/the companionship, it's not worth it. I'm in the camp that it only gets worse - if it's only been 5 dates and she behaves like this, imagine what it's like when you guys are firmly "together" - reporting in x number of times a day, or you must be straying. If you really like her and want to give it a chance, you can have a discussion with her. I suspect that will just turn into the, "I don't know why you're losing your feelings for me, I need to rekindle things" type of discussion, though.
preraph Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 She's too immature for you. She wants a constant back and forth which working people can't and don't want to do. It's not going to work in the long run.
GoreSP Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 It's hard to say without knowing the whole story. It's possible she has an anxious attachment style and who knows where that comes from. Did you talk to her about it? Did you try to find out where this insecurity comes from?
Author campeo Posted February 8, 2017 Author Posted February 8, 2017 Thanks for all the feedback. I intend to talk to her about it but don't see it getting better. In some ways, I moved things fast with words, compliments and affection but her moving things fast is not my complaint. It's the smothering and need for acknowledgment. If it is like his now, how will it be when I'm on an international business trip and can't talk to her for 3 days? (It's not always possible with time zone differences and workload). How will it be if I go on a canoe trip with my dad and am out of cell phone range for a week? What happens when I actually act insensitive? 1
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Thanks for all the feedback. I intend to talk to her about it but don't see it getting better. In some ways, I moved things fast with words, compliments and affection but her moving things fast is not my complaint. It's the smothering and need for acknowledgment. If it is like his now, how will it be when I'm on an international business trip and can't talk to her for 3 days? (It's not always possible with time zone differences and workload). How will it be if I go on a canoe trip with my dad and am out of cell phone range for a week? What happens when I actually act insensitive? Her problem may just be that you had sex and no exclusivity talk yet. So, offer exclusivity, reassure her and see how it develop for the next couple of weeks. If there is no change at all than terminate the relationship.
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