Grey40 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Would love a women's perspective or hear from men who have gone through something similar. Lately when asking women out online, (on dating apps after we've exhanged a fair amount of messages etc.) so I've been asking them out, and been running into the problem of uncertainty from their end. I'll ask "Would you like to grab some drinks? When are you free this week?" And lately been getting responses such as "I think I'm free Friday" "Hmmm maybe Saturday night" So these girls don't give definitive answers and I'm curious as to why. Does this signal low interest and I should just move on to people who seem more excited? Are they just nervous and saying that just to see if I'll insist and try to move it forward by setting up details? I know I should think of a better date idea/have a better "plan" in place for what to do, but I don't see anything wrong with meeting up and casually grabbing some drinks at a bar to get to know each other. It's pretty low investment for both parties on a first date, and I feel like that should be the way to go about it. Thoughts?
Dis Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 First off, I think drinks are always a great way to go for a first date Second, I do think in most cases the vague answers are a sign of low interest. If I really liked a guy I would look at my calender and give him a definite answer. I dont do vague answers, it either a yes this day works for me or its nothing Ugh...I'm sorry Grey. This is annoying for sure 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Some degree of low interest is normal prior to a first date I think. 2
Author Grey40 Posted February 8, 2017 Author Posted February 8, 2017 First off, I think drinks are always a great way to go for a first date Second, I do think in most cases the vague answers are a sign of low interest. If I really liked a guy I would look at my calender and give him a definite answer. I dont do vague answers, it either a yes this day works for me or its nothing Ugh...I'm sorry Grey. This is annoying for sure Definitley frustrating but it doesn't bother me like it used to. I've gotten used to how common it is for people to flake or be very non comittal with online dating. I really dislike investing too much time/effort if they're never going to actually meet me in person. So I've been trying to come up with ways to be able to read the signs better and create some filters so I can move on from uninterested people quicker. It's really tough though, because I have had girls do that kind of thing before but then end up going out and we have a good time. But 9/10 times when I've successfully landed a date with OLD and they didn't flake it was usually VERat clear they were interested and wanted to meet. So I guess I'm wondering what the norm is, I don't want to give up on people so easily but at the same time, they're either interested to meet up or not..i dontvwant to spend a week or two until they change their mind or suddenly become convinced.
OatsAndHall Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Well, there's one of several things going on: a) They're not that interested and just won't say it. I ran into quite a few women over OLD sites that wanted to be internet buddies but didn't want to actually go on a date. b) They're hitting the OLD scene hard, are chatting with multiple men and are juggling dates. They may not want to commit to a date with you on Friday because they're trying to line up other dates for the weekend. c) They don't quite understand that OLD sites are there to break the ice and nothing more. They think that their going to develop some deep, emotional compatibility with a person over the internet. Also, some women enjoy drinks on a first date but I have found many that are put off by it. They're hesitant to drink alcohol on a first date. A female friend of mine has had a few bad first dates when they went out for drinks as the guy either drank too much or was pushy about them drinking more. I always suggest a coffee or dinner date initially. 3
PogoStick Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Could just be bad luck. Try switching it up a little. Lead with a more specific date. "Hey let's meet for a drink on Friday after work. Can you make it by 7?" Then if they say Friday doesn't work you can ask them which day works better. It's a slight difference but it's a little more direct and might get different results.
selinaluv Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I believe you are dating younger women, but with me... because I work full time and am a single mom, I sometimes can't get a definite answer right away. Though I will explain to them why and if I am really interested I will let them know I am exploring options. Usually I am speaking to a couple men, so I am trying to prioritize. Sometimes I am not as interested as I thought I was. Unfortunately it is the nature of not just OLD, but dating in general these days.
Sweetfish Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Never ask... tell them. "Meet me for drinks @ "Perry's 9pm" Btw... drinks is overrated and make sure you have another venue.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Drinks is the best first date to get to know someone. It's cheap, and a little alcohol loosens you both up which can calm the nerves. If you are doing OLD and dating multiple people, I highly recommend sticking with Drinks for a first date every time.
Sweetfish Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Drinks is the best first date to get to know someone. It's cheap, and a little alcohol loosens you both up which can calm the nerves. If you are doing OLD and dating multiple people, I highly recommend sticking with Drinks for a first date every time. I beg to differ... maybe looking from a 1 point perspective. But a female gets 100 guys asking her for going for drinks or netflix cuddle dates... Dime a dozen... Best bet 2 peaking her interest with something DIFFERENT. that is the key to OLD
salparadise Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 "I think I'm free Friday" "Hmmm maybe Saturday night" So these girls don't give definitive answers and I'm curious as to why. Thoughts? Could just be the wording they chose to use. I would follow up with something like, "Great, then let's make it definite for Friday at 8pm at XYZ." They will probably confirm. If not, one follow up (quickly) to make sure it's agreed. If they drag their feet, move on to the next one. What you should not do is allow them to put you on hold with a maybe. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 I beg to differ... maybe looking from a 1 point perspective. But a female gets 100 guys asking her for going for drinks or netflix cuddle dates... Dime a dozen... Best bet 2 peaking her interest with something DIFFERENT. that is the key to OLD Sorry but when it's up to me to plan dates, I don't have the time or money to plan dozens of exquisite first dates with a bunch of people that I most likely will never see again. If a girl has a problem with drinks I'll do Coffee but that's it. If a Woman wants to do something different that badly, then they should be the one planning the date and asking the guy out. There is nothing wrong with going out for drinks, and it is not exclusive to hooking up -- unlike netflix cuddle dates which are pretty clear they want a hookup. Filter those ones out and move along. 1
Newcitygirl Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Do something fairly active for the first date if it is something from someone from OLD. Coffee dates can be a little nerve wracking. For my last OLD first date I chose an arcade style date. We could get drinks if we were nervous but also move around if we were nervous. We got dinner for our second date. Dinner again for our third date coming soon . Sometimes you just have to plan the date that is right for you and the individual to get the best out come! Ask if they are introvert or extrovert and plan from there so both of you are comfortable. Good luck OLD is tough, but not impossible!
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Do something fairly active for the first date if it is something from someone from OLD. Coffee dates can be a little nerve wracking. For my last OLD first date I chose an arcade style date. We could get drinks if we were nervous but also move around if we were nervous. We got dinner for our second date. Dinner again for our third date coming soon . Sometimes you just have to plan the date that is right for you and the individual to get the best out come! Ask if they are introvert or extrovert and plan from there so both of you are comfortable. Good luck OLD is tough, but not impossible! I would recommend the opposite -- save activities & fancy first dates for people you are dating from your personal life (coworkers,friends,etc.), since you already have rapport with them. OLD First dates are a glorified meet & greet for most of us.
Author Grey40 Posted February 8, 2017 Author Posted February 8, 2017 Sorry but when it's up to me to plan dates, I don't have the time or money to plan dozens of exquisite first dates with a bunch of people that I most likely will never see again. If a girl has a problem with drinks I'll do Coffee but that's it. There is nothing wrong with going out for drinks, and it is not exclusive to hooking up -- unlike netflix cuddle dates which are pretty clear they want a hookup. Filter those ones out and move along. Yeah I totally agree that drinks is a fine date, and usually I've never had an issue with that being the first date ever. I don't think that's why they're on the fence. Going out for drinks doesn't mean getting wasted, and it certainly doesn't always mean hooking up. The woman has every right to make sure it doesn't go that far, and if she's not ok with him trying it, then she can cut it off and not go on date #2. But like I said, I've never had an issue, and sometimes when I've suggested dinner or something else, they usually just say "how about drinks". I think a lot women prefer it to be casual too. Dinner for a first time seems too formal for someone you've never even met before. I think the reason it's happening is more likely what some other posters have said. I see 3 main reasons: 1. They either aren't interested, or not interested ENOUGH to actually plan to meet up with you. And the reasons they aren't interested you could write a whole book about, so I won't concern myself with that. 2. yeah they are dangling other guys (especially the good looking women), and wants to make sure their #1 choice doesn't ask them out first, because they don't want to have to cancel on you in case the #1 guy comes through and sets something up. Which, in that case, I'd rather not bother. I think I'd prefer to date a girl that sees me as her #1, not the backup plan. So, if there's any kind of disinterest/on the fence issues then on to the next. 3. They aren't taking OLD seriously, maybe they just got out of relationship and haven't moved on yet, but are still window shopping and keeping the option open "just in case" but in all honesty they really don't want to be involved with someone else at the moment. Which, in my opinion, you shouldn't join these sites/apps until you are ready, but you'll never stop that. These apps are free and addicting and something to do when you're bored, so people are going to use them whether they are using correctly or not. 2
Shining One Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 If a woman marks you as "tentative" on her calendar, you should be doing the same with her. Just as she's giving you lower priority, you will give her lower priority than women who make confirmed plans with you. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 It should be a given that any decent girl has several prospects when you are looking at going on a first date with them. It's something that makes me more nervous the more dates we go on But that's a different story. Here is a sample situation how I would deal with a flakey woman via OLD trying to setup a first date: me: Hey are you free later this week? We should meet up for drinks (I'm suggesting here, not asking) her: I might be free on Friday. me: Cool, how does 7pm at ___ work? Now one of two things can happen- her: Sounds good! Look forward to it. or her: I have to check, I'll get back to you. me: OK let me know At which point you should just forget about her and move onto the next girl. If she does get back to you and you can make something happen -- great. Don't hold your breath though.
Author Grey40 Posted February 8, 2017 Author Posted February 8, 2017 (edited) If a woman marks you as "tentative" on her calendar, you should be doing the same with her. Just as she's giving you lower priority, you will give her lower priority than women who make confirmed plans with you. Yes, definitely. Since I've been doing the whole OLD thing, I've come up with my own criteria--I ask a girl out 3 times MAX. And only if I'm very attracted or think they are worth it. If it's a girl that I wasn't 100% sold on in the first place, they get only 2 chances. Some guys will delete a girls number on the first flake, and I think that's too soon. I think people get the benefit of the doubt that something could up, or plans could change--but they need to either offer an alternative or accept the next date invitation when it's sent. Otherwise, it's next. I mentioned that snapchat girl in another thread...we went on one date..planned a second date, said she got really sick and couldn't go and had to call out of work etc. Gave her the benefit of the doubt. Tried to schedule second date again, she says I'm "busy all weekend", and it was super bowl weekend. The average girl I would be moved on already, but since I see her value a little bit higher looks wise and personality wise I'm giving her one more chance. Asked her out today, she said "I think I'm free friday" I said, " ok cool I can meet you at XXX at 930 for drinks" no repsonse yet. She has until tomorrow afternoon or she gets deleted. it seems cold and ruthless, but it's the only way to not waste your time. Edited February 8, 2017 by Grey40
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Yes, definitely. Since I've been doing the whole OLD thing, I've come up with my own criteria--I ask a girl out 3 times MAX. And only if I'm very attracted or think they are worth it. If it's a girl that I wasn't 100% sold on in the first place, they get only 2 chances. Some guys will delete a girls number on the first flake, and I think that's too soon. I think people get the benefit of the doubt that something could up, or plans could change--but they need to either offer an alternative or accept the next date invitation when it's sent. Otherwise, it's next. I mentioned that snapchat girl in another thread...we went on one date..planned a second date, said she got really sick and couldn't go and had to call out of work etc. Gave her the benefit of the doubt. Tried to schedule second date again, she says I'm "busy all weekend", and it was super bowl weekend. The average girl I would be moved on already, but since I see her value a little bit higher looks wise and personality wise I'm giving her one more chance. Asked her out today, she said "I think I'm free friday" I said, " ok cool I can meet you at XXX at 930 for drinks" no repsonse yet. She has until tomorrow afternoon or she gets deleted. I think you approached it perfectly. I try give the benefit of the doubt as well sometimes, but I always manage my expectations. If I find them really intriguing/attractive, I'll flirt/tease a bit in between and try make things happen. However, if they flake on my plans that I suggest or don't promptly commit to the plans, I will offer that time slot to another willing woman. If the flakey one comes back and says OK lets do it, I will just say something like "Hey sorry my buddy wants to do ___ that night and I wasn't sure if you were on board. Do any other nights work for you?" .. That is her punishment for being flakey, and you are showing her that she can't treat you like a door mat. You need to demand respect if you want to be respected.
salparadise Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 we went on one date..planned a second date, said she got really sick and couldn't go and had to call out of work etc. Gave her the benefit of the doubt. Tried to schedule second date again, she says I'm "busy all weekend", and it was super bowl weekend. The average girl I would be moved on already, but since I see her value a little bit higher looks wise and personality wise I'm giving her one more chance. Asked her out today, she said "I think I'm free friday" I said, " ok cool I can meet you at XXX at 930 for drinks" no repsonse yet. She has until tomorrow afternoon or she gets deleted. it seems cold and ruthless, but it's the only way to not waste your time. Grey, you shouldn't let them leave you hanging. This one has blown you off twice already after the first date. If she were interested she would not be doing this mind-phuk on you. You're about #5 on her list.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Also don't do drinks for a second date either -- step it up a bit. She might have been expecting something a bit more interesting. Try ice skating or some other activity perhaps? I find Ice Skating great for breaking the touch barrier with Women.
Sweetfish Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Sorry but when it's up to me to plan dates, I don't have the time or money to plan dozens of exquisite first dates with a bunch of people that I most likely will never see again. If a girl has a problem with drinks I'll do Coffee but that's it. If a Woman wants to do something different that badly, then they should be the one planning the date and asking the guy out. There is nothing wrong with going out for drinks, and it is not exclusive to hooking up -- unlike netflix cuddle dates which are pretty clear they want a hookup. Filter those ones out and move along. No where did I say anything about planning exquisite dates . ..not to sure how you got that from what I said... but drinks can be an expensive date.. unless your drinking beers or cheap stuff. Me and a friend do pretty well with OLD and use the same method and its works and the dates are usually things we normally do anyway... renting a citi bike and heading for ice cream and a small walk is super cheap and effective date and can be done in the day or night without dressing up and so on. You have a fun date and you go about your way... if she likes you she likes you.. if she doesnt sucks for her. Or you can be the 100 other guys trying to buy her drinks... What ever works for you... works for you. Cheers
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 (edited) No where did I say anything about planning exquisite dates . ..not to sure how you got that from what I said... but drinks can be an expensive date.. unless your drinking beers or cheap stuff. Me and a friend do pretty well with OLD and use the same method and its works and the dates are usually things we normally do anyway... renting a citi bike and heading for ice cream and a small walk is super cheap and effective date and can be done in the day or night without dressing up and so on. You have a fun date and you go about your way... if she likes you she likes you.. if she doesnt sucks for her. Or you can be the 100 other guys trying to buy her drinks... What ever works for you... works for you. Cheers There's 100 other girls out there, and 99 of them will do drinks. If you don't want to, then you can be the lone woman out Drinks is cheap, because even if you're going to a fancy bar and she ordered a $10 cocktail, if you each do a round it's only 20 bucks (versus 35-50 for Dinner). If I'm not vibing i'll bail after the first round. Usually most bars run $5-8 per drink. None of those things that you listed are things that I'd want to get stuck doing with someone that I don't know. If she ends up being weird, or we don't click, it doesn't make for a fun time. Save that for Date #2 and onwards. The funny thing is, I'm more likely to pique a girls interest by doing something super casual for a first date (drinks,coffee), because: 1. It's low pressure 2. If we don't like each other it's easy to call it quits early Most Women don't want to get stuck biking around the city with some guy they can't stand. Same with all but the most desperate guys. Like another poster said, I've actually had girls suggest something casual. Remember, via OLD you are both STRANGERS. Most sane Online Daters want to do a casual meet & greet before doing anything involved. Edited February 8, 2017 by barcode88
Sweetfish Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 There's 100 other girls out there, and 99 of them will do drinks. If you don't want to, then you can be the lone woman out Drinks is cheap, because even if you're going to a fancy bar and she ordered a $10 cocktail, if you each do a round it's only 20 bucks (versus 35-50 for Dinner). If I'm not vibing i'll bail after the first round. Usually most bars run $5-8 per drink. None of those things that you listed are things that I'd want to get stuck doing with someone that I don't know. If she ends up being weird, or we don't click, it doesn't make for a fun time. Save that for Date #2 and onwards. The funny thing is, I'm more likely to pique a girls interest by doing something super casual for a first date (drinks,coffee), because: 1. It's low pressure 2. If we don't like each other it's easy to call it quits early Most Women don't want to get stuck biking around the city with some guy they can't stand. Same with all but the most desperate guys. Like another poster said, I've actually had girls suggest something casual. Remember, via OLD you are both STRANGERS. Most sane Online Daters want to do a casual meet & greet before doing anything involved. Like i said good friend. What ever works for you I have no problems. If she cant stand being around me biking by the "beach" thats not my problem... im out to have a good time and she can always ride her self back if she is not happy. Girls have drinks all the time.. i bring different things to the table and it works... asking to go on a date sets you up in the nice guy zone straight off the bat. Hey im going to X come join me is a quick and easy way to figure out if your getting the carrot on the stick. Many people jump in ubers and taxis all day long. I have a career that requires finger printing and background check so thats my extra form of comfort if safety is a problem... which any where any time can be unsafe.. What ever works for you... i have actually had my OLD get many responses without me having to make the first move... My friend gets dates every week so easily he tells me he is bored or to tired to date... The problem is the guys say the saaaaaaame things. To the point women date based on who is the hottest. Once you say certain things and have certain pictures... OLD is pretty easy. Women are not dumb... bar pretty much equals you want sex. You go they get drinks and you talk... thats pretty much it. When you go some where simple and fun.. its a different mind set. But everyone has their own mind set and ideas of dates and bars and movies are on the bottom of my list.
Miss Spider Posted February 8, 2017 Posted February 8, 2017 (edited) "Hmmm I might be free" means she's not that interested but she's leaving the door open or your attention on her. Please do not feed. A girl who is interested, even one who is playing hard to get, will agree to a date with you. She might not want to look too eager, but she will secure that date in advance and look forward to it. She will want to see you and want to be physical with you, even if she doesn't act on it(if she is not "asexual"). You guys are feeding it is why this happens. Edited February 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough
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